I dumped him two days ago and I regret it, ?

[SparklyKittens]

So I'm making this thread because I'd like a little advice on my situation. Sorry if this is a bit of a long read, but I'd really appreciate honest replies on what I should do to either get over him or get back with him. I am a female who was in a heterosexual relationship.

 

I was with this guy from the beginning of last year for around 11 months. From the start there were jealousy issues as he lied about being in contact with his ex. Throughout this 11 month period I was paranoid, getting jealous over him for various things including him following bikini models on Instagram and liking selfies of his female friends on Facebook. I never had any reason to believe he was cheating on me or accused him of it, but I was insecure and believed he would keep doing these things and hurt me. The other huge problem about our relationship that has been recurring is that our personalities clash because of his anger and my depression. He'd get angry over things and it would make me feel depressed, the anger and depression kind of fueled each other.

 

And then there were all the good things about our relationship. When the other issues weren't there, our personalities worked really well together. Admittedly, we have little in common but we cared about each other, stayed loyal and enjoyed each other's company throughout the relationship. He is my first sexual partner and I enjoyed sex, I felt comfortable naked around him..however, I could never orgasm.

 

We had a really bad argument when he broke it off in December, I ended up physically hurting him, Which obviously isn't justified. I'd become incredibly paranoid by this point, found out he was becoming close to a girl he had never mentioned to me and he was liking a bunch of her pictures. He continued to do this after we broke up and it hurt. He told me he was no longer in love with me but just loved me as a friend.

 

For the first few days, I begged him to come back and he became fustrated and cold towards me. I still wanted him in my life but began to accept it. I met up with him as friends and he kept trying to touch me (not sexually, but it was innapropriate considering we weren't together) like putting his arm round me and stuff. We continued seeing each other regularly and things eventually developed and we got back into a relationship, six weeks after the break up.

 

During the time we'd broken up I'd tried to move on, or at least talked to other people because I felt alone. I met another guy online who helped me through it, I just saw him as a friend at this point but about 6 weeks after getting back with my ex, I began to feel disconnected from him and felt like I had a stronger connection with the other guy. This is because my ex had been away working most weeks, was unable to spend time messaging me every night and I was talking more with the other guy. I met up with the other guy as a friend and after that he still talked to me but just not as often. I felt so hurt by it, and I felt rejected, which is when I started to think I had feelings for him. This lead to me feeling guilty, we had a silly argument and I decided to end it over the phone. He came over the next day to pick his stuff up and we made up.

Fast forward a couple weeks and I break up with him again. I felt like I didn't feel the same way about him anymore because of the time apart, I feel silly for not putting the effort to make it work and discussing things instead of just breaking it off. I had a lot of free time and didn't really see any friends which made it more difficult when we weren't talking. Lots of stuff bothered me like our lack of common interests and I guess a part of me thought the grass would be greener on the other side.

 

Well, it's not. I felt okay at first, like I'd done the right thing. And then I stopped and thought about my past experiences with men where I'd continuously been lead on and hurt. I thought about all the good things about our relationship, that there had been few arguments before I started to get upset over the other guy. I'm pretty sure the other guy is just trying to coax me into sleeping with him now and it sucks because I wanted to get to know him better, so it's like I'm dealing with two losses at once, with few people I can really talk to or confide in. I'm off college this next week because of Easter break and the only plan I have is to see my sister on Wednesday. I feel really lonely and Im beginning to realise that I lost a good man. I'd forgiven the problems in the past and was beginning to trust him since we got back together. I didnt tell him about the other guy. I don't think he needs to know because I didn't cheat on him, and I don't want to put my ex through further grief.

 

My ex still wants to see me as friends but with how it went last time I'm not sure what's going to happen. I don't know if it's a bad idea to try to get together again, but the recent problems seem very silly and like they could've been sorted out if I tried to talk about things. hes made it clear he does not want to be with me, although he said this last time we split which makes me think there's hope. I just don't know if I'd find someone better, as I said I've had so many guys lead me on and hurt me, including this other guy I'm talking about and it terrifies me to think I may not find someone, there is no guarantee for it. Overall, since the last break up our relationship really wasn't going bad. Please let me know your thoughts and suggestions. I know it's only been 2 days but I feel like I've made a terrible decision.

[kendahke]

I think you need to sit with this and let this break up play out a little bit longer.

 

Fact of the matter is: he doesn't want to fully get back together with you. That really is the bottom line. Doing this "let's be friends and hang out" stuff only prolongs the getting over him, getting him out of your system and moving on which needs to happen. You two, from what you've written, are very incompatible; and quite frankly, he's probably not going to ever let someone who physically assaulted him get near enough to him to do it again.

 

What if he gives in and comes back around, but he's still liking girls' pictures on instagram, etc? I mean, what's the point if he's dragging his same behavior back in? Nothing is resolved, so why do it all over again? He's got to be singing a completely different tune with a willingness to let go of things which he knows hurts you. If he's not going to do that of his own volition, then he needs to stay gone. You need a man who doesn't do that and doesn't need you telling him not to do that, you know?

 

Right now, you don't need a new guy. You need to clear out a lot of dead energy in your life and get rid of thought processes that aren't helping you to get to where you want to be. There's a ton of work you need to be doing on yourself so that you're not fragmented. There's not a man in the world who can do that heavy lifting for you. That needs to be done by you.

 

It doesn't suck to be alone. It sucks to keep avoiding being by yourself by using relationships which are destined to fail because the work that needs to be done is still going to wait on you to stop distracting yourself. It doesn't disappear because there's someone new in your life.

[SparklyKittens]

Thank you for your reply.

There are parts of your message I agree with and other things I want to reiterate because we started on a clean slate the second time we got together. The liking photos thing was no longer an issue, I learned to let go of the jealousy and was fairly happy in that sense. He got back with me after the physical assault which was when we originally broke up, I've apologised for it, have not done it again.

I don't think I am strong enough to cut all ties with him and not see him again. He means a lot to me, he has been there and helped me through a lot, he's an important part of my life. I don't know how to completely let that go, until I eventually form some new friendships. Its part of the human experience to want acceptance and love.

I agree that I need to work on myself though but this will take a lot of time. I have been struggling with self esteem since I was 13, and I've never been able to stay happy for a prolonged period of time.

Still, I can't help but think the issues presenting themselves in the relationship since the first split cannot be overcome, and that is the difficult thing, but I already made the decision

[kendahke]

Well, if you're insisting upon not letting go of what isn't working fully for you, that means the length of time it's going to take for you to "defrag" yourself is going to be longer than it needs to be if you summoned up the strength you do have but don't want to use and went forward. The fact is, and you said it yourself, so you know this--it's not me telling you this:

hes made it clear he does not want to be with me,

Does he have to go 'beast mode' for you to do what's in your best interests? He's chatting up chicks you don't know about--that's a pretty clear indication that this limbo position he's got you in is pretty much all he's got to give to you.

 

As you can see, no guy can bring you the happiness that you don't already have inside yourself--and yes, it's going to take time to root that out. However, if you don't feel you're worth making that kind of an effort, how do you expect anyone else to value you any higher than how you value yourself? People take their cues from our behavior towards ourselves.

[SparklyKittens]

Okay, he made it clear with me he didn't want to be with me the first time we split and we got back together. I'm just saying, it's possible his mind will change.

I never said he was chatting her up, he was just talking to her and I believe that now. I need to reiterate that there were different problems in the second relationship compared to the first, I believe that he learned from the mistakes.

 

Many people who have insecurity issues and depression are able to be in happy long term relationships. I have family members who value me greatly. I have had friends in the past who valued me greatly but we've just grown apart. My ex values me greatly, although he does not want a relationship with me. I don't think people who struggle with insecurities cannot fall in love and be loved in return. However, it does of course hit a lot harder when it's over.

[Emilia]

You can't cling on someone because you think you can't find better.

 

You need to work out your pattern, why you attract certain guys. Whether in fact your insecurities ruin your relationships. The fact that you reacted so strongly to his action shows you likely have abandonment issues.

 

You need to take some time off.

[SparklyKittens]

I don't know, That's true I guess. I was never fully happy, but I still care about him a lot. If he needed me, I'd be there for him in a heartbeat. i can't imagine not caring about him because deep down I always have, even before I wanted to be with him.

 

I don't feel like I attract a certain type of guy. i don't come across as needy or insecure. I'm shy, yes, but I make sure I'm in a positive mood before a date.

 

The insecurities weren't a big problem lately. The big problem was that we couldn't talk to each other as regularly as we used to. Yeah, the insecurities are a big problem but I think I just need a guy who understands and can stay inside the boundaries. I let him go out with friends including females a fair number of times. I don't believe I was being controlling, I just think it's reasonable to not lie or do things that may make your partner feel upset. It's when he'd lie about who he was talking to or seeing that I had the issues.

 

Yeah, I agree but Im not sure what to do in this time off, because I'm majorly lacking fulfilment in life and friendships.

[Emilia]

What do you mean 'let him'?

[SparklyKittens]

Well, I was cool with him doing it. No issue whatsoever.

[Emilia]

I suppose I disagree that your insecurities don't shine through when you use the term 'let him' or you say your life is majorly lacking. You also said a lot of guys led you on and hurt you.

 

In my experience, those that rely on others for fulfilment, tend to attract those that like to exploit people. Independent people tend to prefer independent ones and those that want you to depend on them usually don't have your best interest at heart.

 

I also think others can tell when you don't have much of a life, friendships, etc and they don't tend to appreciate the pressure.

[SparklyKittens]

I said let him because I didn't know what other term to use to express that he is able to do these things. I genuinely did not have a problem with it. I know he had exes who had problems with him spending time with other women, so I wanted to show that I did not have those same problems. My insecurities don't shine through when I'm only just getting to know someone, but in order to get the best advice I need to make these issues clear on here.

 

Yeah, I'll agree with that, but I don't think the person who gets lead on or lied to can be to blame, unless there were obvious signs which were ignored. I know for a fact that my ex was not exploiting me, we resolved the issues and things got better between us. I don't believe I was overly clingy or dependant, I just found it difficult to talk to him less often than we used to, and with where I am currently in my life this is tough to deal with.

 

I am trying to build a life up for myself by attending college and looking for part time employment. I have difficulty making friendships because of anxieties. I will work on myself but I don't believe I have to be insecure free to be in a relationship that makes me feel secure.

[kendahke]

t I don't believe I have to be insecure free to be in a relationship that makes me feel secure.

 

But the fact is insecurity wears down the other person because it's not their heavy lifting to do. It's patently unfair and, frankly, manipulative, to do that. The best chances of a relationship working out is for both parties to come to it whole, not one party being a void and the other expected to constantly fill that void.

[SparklyKittens]

Yeah, everybody has insecurities. Tell me about how you have no insecurities. I don't expect or rely on my partner to change the ones I have, I'm aware I need to do that.. It only becomes an issue when the other partner passes certain boundaries that cause me to become jealous. I'm not putting all the blame on the partner because other people wouldn't have the same issues I do, but it's true. It snowballs, one major thing happens and smaller things begin the paranoia. he chose to be with me and can agree that the boundaries I set are fair, even if he didn't follow them in the past. I'm not manipulating him. I can hardly control my depression, anyone who has suffered with a mental illness understands that. It's partially to do with the other partner as well, this isn't all on me.

[Emilia]

Yeah, everybody has insecurities. Tell me about how you have no insecurities. I don't expect or rely on my partner to change the ones I have, I'm aware I need to do that.. It only becomes an issue when the other partner passes certain boundaries that cause me to become jealous. I'm not putting all the blame on the partner because other people wouldn't have the same issues I do, but it's true. It snowballs, one major thing happens and smaller things begin the paranoia. he chose to be with me and can agree that the boundaries I set are fair, even if he didn't follow them in the past. I'm not manipulating him. I can hardly control my depression, anyone who has suffered with a mental illness understands that. It's partially to do with the other partner as well, this isn't all on me.

I think you need to decide whether you think you can hold down relationships if you don't take responsibility for your own issues.

 

Other people don't cause you to get jealous, you cause you to get jealous. Of course everyone has boundaries, if someone repeatedly crosses your hard ones, you have the right to wave good-bye. They have the right not to obey your rules however. They take responsibility for their behaviour, you take for yours.

 

Responsibility for your mental illness is completely yours though, you can't expect a person to walk around on eggshells trying to please you all the time and do the right thing. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

[SparklyKittens]

I just admitted that I take responsibility for my actions and issues. I do not expect anyone else to fix or complete me. Stop telling me I expect things from people when I have not explicitly stated it. You don't know me personally, so I don't think you can make that conclusion.

Yes, of course they can cross boundaries and ignore me when I ask them to do something within reason but I feel it's innapropriate when in a relationship, and does create trust and jealousy issues, particularly if the relationship is still in early stages, which mine was.

I'm aware it is my responsibility, I have suffered for several years. I don't blame other people for my depression. I take medication daily, because it is my responsibility, like you just said. I am merely saying it can be difficult to control and unpredictable. However, to be with someone I just need them to have an understanding. They don't need to walk on eggshells all the time.