1# dating red flag, fell for it again

[mac25]

I tend to fall for the guys who come on strong in the beginning. In real life this takes the form of a lot of, if not constant texting, plan initiating, compliments...ect.

 

Granted, it's difficult to objectively quantify the threshold where "coming on strong" becomes problematic. However, your gut is the best berometer. In the initial phases of dating its a great thing if an individual gives you their time and attention. This is necessary. But too much, too strong, too soon, is maladaptive. And in extension signals personality/character issues in the other person.

 

That said, I used to make the naive assumption that the attention was a manifestation of the guy's attractions/feelings for me.

 

Over years of dating in my 20s, ive come to realize something very counter intuitive. When a man comes on strong this is actually HUGE red flag.

 

In short, the men that came on strong in the start turned out as selfish, manipulative and narcissitic individuals. All ended up burning me bad in the end.

 

Its as if all the attention that they give you is not really for your benefit, it's for them. They are emotional vampires that feed off of your reactions to their attention. This is near impossible to detect when you have infatuation goggles on.

 

I just ended a casual 10month relationship with one, so i am on a rant, thought i would share my insight as its the 2nd time ive fallen for this.

 

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

 

Anyone else care to share their story? Any practical way to detect the difference between authentic healthy attention and this form of toxic attention?

 

[Grey40]

This is a big problem, and it's one of the main reasons it seems girls ignore guys who text often right away or act "needy" probably because of similar experiences you mentioned. There's def a way to show interest without the need for constant banter and attention. I feel the same abut other women..if they are a little too eager and over the top for attention seeking and validation, it gets kind of scary.

[xpaperxcutx]

Love, I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I know for a fact we women are emotional creatures, and when we have our emotional goggles on, it's hard to make sense what would usually come across as logical.

 

 

To comment on your situation, if you are someone who is looking for something serious, you would not wait 10 months to stay in a "casual relationship'. 2-3 months are tops for a guy to decide if they want to pursue something serious. And in this day and age, you don't just focus on one guy. Be a multi-dater especially if there's no exclusivity. Only when a guy offers exclusivity do you stop dating other men.

 

 

And when I mean date, just date. No sex. If you have to have sex just understand that consensual sex outside of a commitment is just sex.

 

 

Additionally most player types are usually attracted to women who put up a wall. To them, it's always about the challenge. But if you make them wait long for sex, they usually bail first.

 

 

As you've said, men who come on strong are only after one thing. You have to look for consistency and look at character traits. Is he reliable and does he keep his words?

 

 

Also, you generally should hold off from falling in love until the 6 month mark.

[xpaperxcutx]

This is a big problem, and it's one of the main reasons it seems girls ignore guys who text often right away or act "needy" probably because of similar experiences you mentioned. There's def a way to show interest without the need for constant banter and attention. I feel the same abut other women..if they are a little too eager and over the top for attention seeking and validation, it gets kind of scary.

 

So how much is too much?

 

I have to say I love to text as the next person, but I cannot text every goddamn minute of everyday. And usually it's always the same conversation over and over again- "Good morning, how are you?" blah blah blah

 

 

I also hate men who use the excuse they prefer texting over the phone. If you are dating me, you better like my voice.

 

 

Just look for consistency, not neediness.

 

 

If you're texting me but also making plans to see me (ie. Dinner this Saturday at (insert restaurant's name) then, I'll give you a pass on the constant texting. But if all a guy does is text and wasting my precious time, he does not deserve any attention from me.

[mac25]

Love, I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I know for a fact we women are emotional creatures, and when we have our emotional goggles on, it's hard to make sense what would usually come across as logical.

 

 

To comment on your situation, if you are someone who is looking for something serious, you would not wait 10 months to stay in a "casual relationship'. 2-3 months are tops for a guy to decide if they want to pursue something serious. And in this day and age, you don't just focus on one guy. Be a multi-dater especially if there's no exclusivity. Only when a guy offers exclusivity do you stop dating other men.

.

 

To clarify, the casual part was consensual, and not an issue. I'm a 28yo girl living in a big city.

 

The main purpose of my post is to share my dating red flags to other readers, especially the ones that are difficult to be objective about when your very attracted to someone. Hoping that my insight will help others.

[Gaeta]

I just ended a casual 10month relationship with one, so i am on a rant, thought i would share my insight as its the 2nd time ive fallen for this.

 

Casual 10 months? I don't understand your story. Were you exclusive?

 

Relationships that start strong usually do not last 10 months, more like 1-2-3 months at top.

 

If it started strong and it lasted 10 months I would not call that a hit-and-burn. It's something else.

[preraph]

Certainly what you said is true if the guy really blitzes you and keeps that up once he's met you. Now, my experience has been I love the aggressive approach, but contrary to your experience, I have found some of them pretty aloof once they're in. Like secure, not jealous and suspicious, because their approach is working for them and they can get other girls and they know it. So we're probably talking about different types.

 

But yes, some big red flags are when someone begins being jealous or suspicious or smothering right away. I mean, that is obviously their illness. I do know lots of girls naively find it flattering and even their mothers may tell them it's flattering, but it's BAD advice and it's the profilers who taught us the truth about the matter in the last couple of decades. So there's lots of misinformation out there and it's dangerous. Like as a woman, you may know the guy isn't safe and oust him from your life, but then he may seek out family or friends who feel sorry for him because he's conning them and decide he's lovesick and try to help him. That's when it can become very dangerous.

 

So bravo for no longer being naive on the subject. A guy who thinks they love you or starts talking marriage right away is a mess (and women too). A guy who is jealous and possessive and suspicious is a horrible match for anyone and will keep you imprisoned and run off all your friends. People mistake it for passion, but it's just sickness. Just always remember that if someone loves you, they don't want to cut you off from friends, family, or pets or anything else you love like your job. They don't want to interfere with your job by keeping tabs on you all day. If someone loves you, they don't bombard you and make you uncomfortable but put your comfort first. Those monitoring things are all done to give them a temporary aspirin for their deep insecurity which only therapy can fix.

 

And it's also important to remember that cheaters assume that, like them, if they had an easy opportunity to cheat, they would, when that's not true of the rest of us. So someone who always accuses you of cheating when nothing going on, guess what, that's them confessing they'd do it if they were in your shoes.

[mac25]

Casual 10 months? I don't understand your story. Were you exclusive?

 

Relationships that start strong usually do not last 10 months, more like 1-2-3 months at top.

 

If it started strong and it lasted 10 months I would not call that a hit-and-burn. It's something else.

 

Well it was 10 months from very start to finish.

 

Month 1-3 was friendship/courting. Then we started sleeping together. About after 1 month of that we had the "talk" and established that we both did not want a sexually exclusive relationship, but enjoyed each others company. So it continued that way for the remaining approx 6 months.

 

The red flag behavior was most obvious during the 1-3 of courting.

[LostOnes05]

I'm a guy around your age. I think the glaring problem is a 10 month casual dating scenario. Why not make it official? No way I'd stick around for 10 months and just say I'm dating one person, but they aren't my girlfriend. Makes even less sense written out.

 

But all women are different. Some want constant communication but then lose interest. Others get upset if you go a day without calling or texting. That's where effective communication comes in. Letting the other person know what you're looking for early on lets both parties decide what's best for them. Did you have a conversation about things? 10 months is far too long to just be casual (in my opinion), but if it was consensual then there's nothing really to blame except a lack of advancing the relationship on both sides.

[truth_seeker]

Over years of dating in my 20s, ive come to realize something very counter intuitive. When a man comes on strong this is actually HUGE red flag.

 

In short, the men that came on strong in the start turned out as selfish, manipulative and narcissitic individuals. All ended up burning me bad in the end.

 

Its as if all the attention that they give you is not really for your benefit, it's for them. They are emotional vampires that feed off of your reactions to their attention. This is near impossible to detect when you have infatuation goggles on.

 

I'm a guy and I've noticed women who are aggressive with me, fast to pounce, are usually very fast to fade out. Most won't just fade, they'll make it a point to be nasty before they disappear.

 

I think you're right on all fronts. I know guys like the ones you describe. I'm not friends with them anymore because not only would they treat women this way, buy also their guy friends, too.

 

The next guy who gives you compliments, lots of attention, just remember, he's a salesman, a con man. It's all about him getting what he wants and doing whatever it takes to get what he wants.

[Patrice]

I've been dating a man for about 5 months .. he travels a LOT, so I think we've been out on 8 dates in that time period. He was in Italy for two weeks, and I didn't see him for a month. He came to my house last weekend, wanting to take it to the next level. He slept with me. but I just didn't feel comfortable having sex with him. On Sunday, the I love you talk started, then the marriage talk started, the "we're a couple" talk started .. and it was all one-sided. I didn't know what to say. Now, he's pushing to see me next weekend (He lives an hour away), wants to meet my Dad and kids.... just too much. I'm getting the creepy crawly panicky feeling, and I'm not sure why ...

[LoveRefreshed]

I think it's okay to identify red flags and trust your gut, but I think people need to be careful here or you'll potentially rule out what could have been a great lover and partner because he was, you know, actually interested and not playing push/pull games.

 

I think it's best to look at the person as a whole and be objective. Don't rule someone out because they are coming on strong, but rule someone out if they are coming on strong AND.... You need to look at the whole picture of things. Is this person coming on strong because they are on rebound, trying to get laid, or excitable/passionate? These are the questions you need to seek the answers too, not just rule someone else out because, shocker, they are in to you.

 

In the end, which story would you rather tell your grand kids?

 

A) Oh, grandpa, he wasn't all that into me. He texted me like once a week and I just wondered if he was at all interested in me. We went out one night and got drunk and ended up making out, so I finally learned the answer.

 

B) Grandpa! He was a fanatic! He asked me out and in the first month was writing me poetry. He tried so hard to win me over, and he was just so romantically cute that it worked...

[BlueIris]

The worst relationship I ever had was with a guy who came on very strong. Yep. Since then, if a man thinks I am so amazing and he’s talking about our future and using lots of superlatives, I back off and take off the infatuation goggles.

 

Looking back at where I was emotionally at that time, I can also see exactly why I gobbled that up. I was scared and feeling weepy because my exH was remarrying so I felt like a loser, so it felt great to have someone tell me how fabulous I was. And I was thinking kind of magic-y and fairy tale-ish, too. None of that is good for decision making.

 

Since then, when the extreme guys got extreme, I’d slow it down and they pretty much left o their own.

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP

 

Thanks for starting this thread. Not sure if you want guys' perspective on this type of behavior or not? If you only want a woman's view - please tell us!

 

 

Anyway you hit the nail on the head - "TOXIC". There's a level of attention, "i-love you's", and other related things that screams "they're bat **** crazy" - run away! Seriously. Unfortunately sometimes it doesn't happen till later in a relationship - i.e. when you're ___ months in and get to the "I love you stage" for example. However, most stories I've heard it was apparent very early. The thing is from the offendee's perspective - it's nice to feel wanted, to receive compliments, etc., so it's hard to separate the behavior. Plus, we don't really teach people how to trust their gut and change their behavior according to it very well in Western Cultures.

 

Suffice to say communication, expressions of affection/love, all those things in a relationship need to be mutual. That doesn't mean a 50/50 split. It's about spirit/intent. The last poster I saw - the one with the guy traveling a lot and now all of a sudden it's I Love you, let's get married, let's meet each other's families, etc all at once - that's just weird, awkward, and a huge red flag. Run away screaming darlin! Seriously - don't even open the door - just jump out through the windows!

 

I've had this experience - ended up in a year long relationship with a grown child. Seriously - her parents should have beaten her ass instead of spoiling it. My fault for letting it drag on and on and on (yes ladies, the sex was great the first 3-4 months) but 2 weeks in there were plenty of red flags - the neediness, the "why can't I be happy speech" when I was going to end it, the changing stories about her life. Ugh. Anyway - yes OP - TOXIC is the word!

[Lovelorn00]

Great post, and timely for me. My last post was a rant about this very thing. I wasn’t stuck with him for 10 months, but it was only a couple of dates. This guy came on stronger than anyone I’ve ever met, and then disappeared when he realized I wasn’t going to sleep with him. I also thought that after years of dating experience, I wouldn’t fall for this kind of thing, but this guy’s game was strong. Guess I’ve got a lot more learning to do.

[smackie9]

Well it was 10 months from very start to finish.

 

Month 1-3 was friendship/courting. Then we started sleeping together. About after 1 month of that we had the "talk" and established that we both did not want a sexually exclusive relationship, but enjoyed each others company. So it continued that way for the remaining approx 6 months.

 

The red flag behavior was most obvious during the 1-3 of courting.

It seems it was just a one level to another, then an agreement by both to have a particular arrangement and that's it. I'm still not seeing the issue here.

[HillValley]

I tend to fall for the guys who come on strong in the beginning. In real life this takes the form of a lot of, if not constant texting, plan initiating, compliments...ect.

 

Granted, it's difficult to objectively quantify the threshold where "coming on strong" becomes problematic. However, your gut is the best berometer. In the initial phases of dating its a great thing if an individual gives you their time and attention. This is necessary. But too much, too strong, too soon, is maladaptive. And in extension signals personality/character issues in the other person.

 

That said, I used to make the naive assumption that the attention was a manifestation of the guy's attractions/feelings for me.

 

Over years of dating in my 20s, ive come to realize something very counter intuitive. When a man comes on strong this is actually HUGE red flag.

 

In short, the men that came on strong in the start turned out as selfish, manipulative and narcissitic individuals. All ended up burning me bad in the end.

 

Its as if all the attention that they give you is not really for your benefit, it's for them. They are emotional vampires that feed off of your reactions to their attention. This is near impossible to detect when you have infatuation goggles on.

 

I just ended a casual 10month relationship with one, so i am on a rant, thought i would share my insight as its the 2nd time ive fallen for this.

 

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

 

Anyone else care to share their story? Any practical way to detect the difference between authentic healthy attention and this form of toxic attention?

 

 

I'm not sure I follow your thought process.

 

He gave you a lot of attention even without a physical relationship, once he got into a physical relationship, he kept giving you lots of attention? Then the relationship fizzled at the end?

 

You say they feed off your reactions, so basically, once the relationship starts to breakdown, they don't take the rejection of their attention well?

[Gaeta]

Well it was 10 months from very start to finish.

 

Month 1-3 was friendship/courting. Then we started sleeping together. About after 1 month of that we had the "talk" and established that we both did not want a sexually exclusive relationship, but enjoyed each others company. So it continued that way for the remaining approx 6 months.

 

The red flag behavior was most obvious during the 1-3 of courting.

 

I still fail to see why this is a 'coming on too strong' case.

 

This is all on you. I don't see where he mislead you. You both did not want an exclusive relationship, both said no to an exclusive sexual relationship, not sure why you're complaining here ?

[HillValley]

I still fail to see why this is a 'coming on too strong' case.

 

This is all on you. I don't see where he mislead you. You both did not want an exclusive relationship, both said no to an exclusive sexual relationship, not sure why you're complaining here ?

 

Yeah, I'm not understanding either.

 

It seems like a 28 year old woman in a big city who likes casual relationships. You like the initial barrage of attention and you know deep down that it's easier to get into this kind of casual relationship with this type of guy and it will have a finite life span cause all you have to do is rebuff the attention and the guy quits.

[Dis]

I tend to fall for the guys who come on strong in the beginning. In real life this takes the form of a lot of, if not constant texting, plan initiating, compliments...ect.

 

Granted, it's difficult to objectively quantify the threshold where "coming on strong" becomes problematic. However, your gut is the best berometer. In the initial phases of dating its a great thing if an individual gives you their time and attention. This is necessary. But too much, too strong, too soon, is maladaptive. And in extension signals personality/character issues in the other person.

 

That said, I used to make the naive assumption that the attention was a manifestation of the guy's attractions/feelings for me.

 

Over years of dating in my 20s, ive come to realize something very counter intuitive. When a man comes on strong this is actually HUGE red flag.

 

In short, the men that came on strong in the start turned out as selfish, manipulative and narcissitic individuals. All ended up burning me bad in the end.

 

Its as if all the attention that they give you is not really for your benefit, it's for them. They are emotional vampires that feed off of your reactions to their attention. This is near impossible to detect when you have infatuation goggles on.

 

I just ended a casual 10month relationship with one, so i am on a rant, thought i would share my insight as its the 2nd time ive fallen for this.

 

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me.

 

Anyone else care to share their story? Any practical way to detect the difference between authentic healthy attention and this form of toxic attention?

 

 

Oh god I can really relate to this! The last guy I dated completly love bombed me. The help of people on this site helped me come to that realization. He asked me to be his gf on the second date. Gave me the keys to his house after 2 weeks. Called alllll the time! Txted allll the time!!! Wanted me at his house allll the time!!! I was so drunk off of his constant affirmations and compliments I couldnt see who I was really dealing with...a truly sick narracistic a******. He dumped me randomly out of the blue, over the phone. I recovered quickly as I am not one to whallow over a douche bag.

I too was veryyyy attracted to guys who came on really strong. (Which is giving me some problems with my current dating because I get confused if I'm really into a guy if hes not coming on really strong. I'm learning that meeting and falling in love with someone isnt like a fairytale, and it shouldnt be). However after that relationship I have a brand new perspective on things. Like you said, guys that come on strong burn out just as fast.

I'm dating again now and am taking things slow. By taking things slowly and also being choosey I am able to pick up red flags as I am not under somones spell. If I feel any doubt about a guy I'm dating I will take time and space to myself to reaccess. Slow and steady wins the race.

[katiegrl]

Oh god I can really relate to this! The last guy I dated completly love bombed me. The help of people on this site helped me come to that realization. He asked me to be his gf on the second date. Gave me the keys to his house after 2 weeks. Called alllll the time! Txted allll the time!!! Wanted me at his house allll the time!!! I was so drunk off of his constant affirmations and compliments I couldnt see who I was really dealing with...a truly sick narracistic a******. He dumped me randomly out of the blue, over the phone. I recovered quickly as I am not one to whallow over a douche bag.

I too was veryyyy attracted to guys who came on really strong. (Which is giving me some problems with my current dating because I get confused if I'm really into a guy if hes not coming on really strong. I'm learning that meeting and falling in love with someone isnt like a fairytale, and it shouldnt be). However after that relationship I have a brand new perspective on things. Like you said, guys that come on strong burn out just as fast.

I'm dating again now and am taking things slow. By taking things slowly and also being choosey I am able to pick up red flags as I am not under somones spell. If I feel any doubt about a guy I'm dating I will take time and space to myself to reaccess. Slow and steady wins the race.

 

Hey Dis, I remember your past threads about that bozo ...and just wanted to say after reading the above....proud of you girl!! :bunny:

[Dis]

Hey Dis, I remember your past threads about that bozo ...and just wanted to say after reading the above....proud of you girl!! :bunny:

 

Thank you katiegrl!!! I just posted a new thread about my dating experiences and this new guy I'm going on a second date with. Not happy about being back to online dating but its much different this time around. I can pick up on the love bombers pretty quickly lol

[Leigh 87]

So are you saying that couples for have a very high level of instant attraction and fall hard for each other, are lesser relationships then the couples who experience a slower burn, where they are not that into each other at first?

 

 

Or are you saying that it is great if you are super into someone right at the start and it actually works - but to keep things under wraps and act normal rather than love "bombing" and other unhealthy behaviour?

[madyg88]

i agree with you.

a true compliment or nice attention is very good but may also be bad if it is too much too soon.

like you can not trust easily a man who looks in love with you after your first date.

it's much better when the person is mature enough to let the interest grow.big initial enthusiasms usually turn out to be superficial and childish.

[Lovelorn00]

Oh god I can really relate to this! The last guy I dated completly love bombed me. The help of people on this site helped me come to that realization. He asked me to be his gf on the second date. Gave me the keys to his house after 2 weeks. Called alllll the time! Txted allll the time!!! Wanted me at his house allll the time!!! I was so drunk off of his constant affirmations and compliments I couldnt see who I was really dealing with...a truly sick narracistic a******. He dumped me randomly out of the blue, over the phone. I recovered quickly as I am not one to whallow over a douche bag.

I too was veryyyy attracted to guys who came on really strong. (Which is giving me some problems with my current dating because I get confused if I'm really into a guy if hes not coming on really strong. I'm learning that meeting and falling in love with someone isnt like a fairytale, and it shouldnt be). However after that relationship I have a brand new perspective on things. Like you said, guys that come on strong burn out just as fast.

I'm dating again now and am taking things slow. By taking things slowly and also being choosey I am able to pick up red flags as I am not under somones spell. If I feel any doubt about a guy I'm dating I will take time and space to myself to reaccess. Slow and steady wins the race.

 

Yay!! I love stories like these!