1# dating red flag, fell for it again

[kztar]

its strange cos as a guy iv done just that, come on strong, compliments , constant texting and its been reciprocated but then i found out all along she was just talking to me as a friend. Maybe i need to come across stronger...

 

Why would you do that ?. How old are you ?. This is not what you want to do to a real woman.

[truth_seeker]

Hi truth_seeker, what I mean by dating other guys is just getting to know them, going out on dates and spending time with them and actually getting to know them, NO SEX.

 

Good to know that not everyone is sleeping with everyone...

[Lovelorn00]

Good to know that not everyone is sleeping with everyone...

 

Same here. I don't sleep with anyone (have sex) until I'm in a committed relationship with them, and it's understood that we're not sleeping with anyone else. The downside of having this rule is that I'm always single. The dating pool where I live is rife with guys who really only want sex and can get it at the swipe of a finger (OLD dating apps). So, I continue to "multi-date" until I find one who is willing to take things slow and also wants to be in a LTR. It's a lot like finding a needle in a haystack.

 

Anyway, lots of good advice here as it relates to men who come on too strong in the beginning. I'm glad this was started, as I'm learning my own lessons on the subject.

[unbe]

Let me give you perspective from a guy who tends to come on strong.

 

When I meet someone I like and see a long term future with initially I do enjoy spending as much time with them as possible. I have NO intentions on sleeping with this person at this time either. This is strictly a get to know you phase HOWEVER, its a get to know you phase that I want to accelerate.

 

Also, if I like the person, I want to spend time with them because its ENJOYABLE. No other reason.....

 

I am not a narcissist, or have any sickness so its not ALWAYS that, just saying...

[Lovelorn00]

I agree that it’s not ALWAYS that, but I do think that men who come on too strong way too fast are either 1) dealing with some serious personal issues or 2) just looking for quick sex. I understand that every relationship has its “honeymoon” phase where partners can’t get enough of each other, but the kind of “coming on too strong” I’m referring to is the kind that involves deliberately creating a false sense of intimacy with another person and “future faking” (making plans or saying things relating to a future event with no intention of ever following through).

 

A while back, I was thisclose to becoming involved with someone who had a severe personality disorder, and he fit that definition of coming on too strong perfectly. I was showered with compliments and put on a pedestal, but I later realized that his need to do this came from some deep-seated issues from his childhood. After a while, he’d initiate plans with me and flake every single time until I just stopped responding. I think there’s some sort of validation they’re seeking or something they’re lacking inside that causes them to do this. Of course, I have my own issues for having fallen for it a few times, but at least I’m aware and working on them.

[katiegrl]

its strange cos as a guy iv done just that, come on strong, compliments , constant texting and its been reciprocated but then i found out all along she was just talking to me as a friend. Maybe i need to come across stronger...

 

No I suspect she was probably very into you at first, but because you were coming on so strong, she felt suffocated and pressured and turned OFF.

 

Or she didn't trust it.

 

After that she only told you she was talking to you as a friend so as to not hurt your feelings.

[Damaged217]

I think it's okay to identify red flags and trust your gut, but I think people need to be careful here or you'll potentially rule out what could have been a great lover and partner because he was, you know, actually interested and not playing push/pull games.

 

I think it's best to look at the person as a whole and be objective. Don't rule someone out because they are coming on strong, but rule someone out if they are coming on strong AND.... You need to look at the whole picture of things. Is this person coming on strong because they are on rebound, trying to get laid, or excitable/passionate? These are the questions you need to seek the answers too, not just rule someone else out because, shocker, they are in to you.

 

In the end, which story would you rather tell your grand kids?

 

A) Oh, grandpa, he wasn't all that into me. He texted me like once a week and I just wondered if he was at all interested in me. We went out one night and got drunk and ended up making out, so I finally learned the answer.

 

B) Grandpa! He was a fanatic! He asked me out and in the first month was writing me poetry. He tried so hard to win me over, and he was just so romantically cute that it worked...

 

 

THIS. I thought I was a negative Nancy. I've been jilted as much as the next person, but you can't generalize all guys like this. I agree that if a guy is making future (like far in the future) plans or saying the L word early on, it's a red flag. But I like when a guy shows interest. I hate waiting around 3 days for communication from a guy after a date. The guy I'm seeing now texted me the next day and has texted me every day since our date and we have a date lined up for Friday. He compliments me daily, but mostly we are just getting to know each other. I don't see this as a red flag. I tend to be a good judge of character and I don't see him being this type you are describing. I think you need to go by a case by case basis. It's not fair to just lump all guys into one category just because they present some similar traits.

[Damaged217]

 

 

Also, you generally should hold off from falling in love until the 6 month mark.

 

 

Can you really control when you fall in love??

[kztar]

Can you really control when you fall in love??

 

YES . You can prevent this feeling 100% unless you're naive and young. We can all control our emotions, believe it or not. We can make them grow, fade and all. You can meet someone and like them a lot, but you will choose to REACT to that liking feeling, which will be you will choose to fall in love (with time when you know the person, usually after the 6 month mark or even LONGER) or cut the person out. Falling in love is NOT like in the movies that you meet someone and you "fall in love'. That's unrealistic and stupid.

 

You can date someone and NEVER EVER fall in love, been there, done that. It's a matter of opening up for that person. The last guy I dated, I thought it would be a good idea to fully open my heart to him. But I made a choice to open up.

 

I was dating this other guy for two years and I NEVER fell in love with him, nor did I have those intentions so I prevented it and I did.

 

So YES you can control WHO you fall in and OUT of love with.

[Blanco]

YES . You can prevent this feeling 100% unless you're naive and young. We can all control our emotions, believe it or not. We can make them grow, fade and all. You can meet someone and like them a lot, but you will choose to REACT to that liking feeling, which will be you will choose to fall in love (with time when you know the person, usually after the 6 month mark or even LONGER) or cut the person out. Falling in love is NOT like in the movies that you meet someone and you "fall in love'. That's unrealistic and stupid.

 

You can date someone and NEVER EVER fall in love, been there, done that. It's a matter of opening up for that person. The last guy I dated, I thought it would be a good idea to fully open my heart to him. But I made a choice to open up.

 

I was dating this other guy for two years and I NEVER fell in love with him, nor did I have those intentions so I prevented it and I did.

 

So YES you can control WHO you fall in and OUT of love with.

 

I agree with this.

 

Believing that who you fall in love with isn't a choice might make the emotion feel that much more powerful. The older I get, though, the more I see that mindset as a way to absolve yourself of any responsibility for the people you choose to pursue or pair up with romantically. After all, if you can't choose who you love, then how can you be at fault for staying in a substandard relationship or being linked to someone who isn't really good for you?

 

Real love is very much a choice, and so many people operating under the idea that it's not is part of what can put a strain on relationships once that new car smell has faded. Because when you really love someone, you are choosing to accept them as they are, flaws and quirks and all.*

 

*Within reason, of course. Love shouldn't be a reason to permit unacceptable behavior or patterns from your partner.

[AMJ]

Can you really control when you fall in love??

 

I say nope! You can't control when or who you fall in love with. You can only control what you do next.

 

YES . You can prevent this feeling 100% unless you're naive and young. We can all control our emotions, believe it or not. We can make them grow, fade and all. You can meet someone and like them a lot, but you will choose to REACT to that liking feeling, which will be you will choose to fall in love (with time when you know the person, usually after the 6 month mark or even LONGER) or cut the person out. Falling in love is NOT like in the movies that you meet someone and you "fall in love'. That's unrealistic and stupid.

 

You can date someone and NEVER EVER fall in love, been there, done that. It's a matter of opening up for that person. The last guy I dated, I thought it would be a good idea to fully open my heart to him. But I made a choice to open up.

 

I was dating this other guy for two years and I NEVER fell in love with him, nor did I have those intentions so I prevented it and I did.

 

So YES you can control WHO you fall in and OUT of love with.

 

How do you prevent falling in love with someone?

 

Falling in love doesn't have a time table.

 

Now I want to stress there is nothing wrong with not being in love after three months. Like you, I could never fall in love that fast.

 

Just because it's never happened to you in three months before, does not mean it's impossible...

[mac25]

I agree that it’s not ALWAYS that, but I do think that men who come on too strong way too fast are either 1) dealing with some serious personal issues or 2) just looking for quick sex. I understand that every relationship has its “honeymoon” phase where partners can’t get enough of each other, but the kind of “coming on too strong” I’m referring to is the kind that involves deliberately creating a false sense of intimacy with another person and “future faking” (making plans or saying things relating to a future event with no intention of ever following through).

 

A while back, I was thisclose to becoming involved with someone who had a severe personality disorder, and he fit that definition of coming on too strong perfectly. I was showered with compliments and put on a pedestal, but I later realized that his need to do this came from some deep-seated issues from his childhood. After a while, he’d initiate plans with me and flake every single time until I just stopped responding. I think there’s some sort of validation they’re seeking or something they’re lacking inside that causes them to do this. Of course, I have my own issues for having fallen for it a few times, but at least I’m aware and working on them.

 

 

This is exactly the behavior i am referring to. "putting you on a pedestal" and "creating a false sense of intimacy.

 

Thanks for posting

[ly399]

I just ended a casual 10month relationship with one, so i am on a rant, thought i would share my insight as its the 2nd time ive fallen for this.

 

 

 

Agree a lot of things you said, especially about these guys are just selfish. Could you please share a little more on the your 10 months casual experience?

 

 

Im in casual now. I guess it must be good in many aspect for you to stick around for that long.

[mac25]

Agree a lot of things you said, especially about these guys are just selfish. Could you please share a little more on the your 10 months casual experience?

 

This is off-topic from my original post but since you asked so nicely.

 

The answer is quite straight forward. For me, the defining factor of a "casual" arrangement is the frequency of time spent with the person.

 

When I want to keep a emotional distance from someone, I try to limit actual time spent with them to 1-2 a month. And minimize sleepovers. In my experience, this prevents me from developing an attachment or bond to the person. I guess those happy brain chemicals don't have enough time to really have an effect when their release is spaced out. Also, like most people in this modern world, I am crazy busy. So making time for someone only on occasion makes me feel less invested in them, physically and emotionally.

 

I generally keep this pace when i'm initially dating anyone new. If the feelings of liking are mutual then I will progressively make more time for the person. Otherwise, it just stays casual! So easy.

[alwayshopeful1]

I just wanted to chime in and say how much I'm enjoying following along on this thread. Currently getting over someone who riped through my life like a hurricane and disappeared off of the face of the planet. Quick to talk about marriage, children, I love you, moving in within 3 months. Too good to be true. To naive and enamorado to see through the fog of the false future. It's been three weeks since we haven't spoken and I'm so grateful for love shack and the multitude of similar stories/experiences I've read along with the advice/support offered. It's helped me resist the urge to reach out and realize That maybe I wasn't the problem. Reading through this thread pointed out SO MANY red flags I was quick to notice but dismissed because I considered this person to be honest and loyal. What a joke.

 

Lesson learned...

 

So thank you to this thread and to LOVE SHACK:)

[tayriley]

this thread is so interesting because a few days back i posted about a first date where the guy acted COMPLETELY platonic with me and i was so annoyed about it because i thought his attraction to me should equal some flirting/touching/kissing or acting more like a date.

 

in my case, he didnt come on strong at all, quite the opposite, yet many responders said he wasn't interested or was purposely withholding affection so i want him more or was being super lame/immature because he didnt do the classic 'dating' things. it just seems like damned if they do, damned if they don't situation.

 

i have a friend that has mentioned to me that he has a problem of coming on really strong/interested in the beginning. from his perspective, he just really loves the thrill of meeting a new girl that he is attracted to. but because he doesnt want anything serious, these 1-2 month relationships always fizzle out. of course this leaves the girl wondering 'what happened, i thought he was so into me?' nothing happened- she wasnt dating someone who wanted a relationship. some guys are more up front about this than others. some guys involve sex right away, but problem is, sex causes the girls brain chemicals to bond with them.

 

i think where you went wrong was at the 3 month mark, where you agreed to have a non-exclusive relationship with this guy. you clearly are not happy with that arrangement, yet you agreed to it. now in the aftermath, you are blaming him for hurting you. but here's the thing- you had a huge hand in that. if at the 3 month mark, you told him- 'you are acting like you love only me, but you want sleep with other girls? **** off.' then you would've gotten exactly what you wanted- a guy that showered you with attention, and when he stopped that, you stopped seeing him.

 

people see sex in different terms which is why it becomes difficult when it comes to deciding whether to have sex with a guy right away or wait months to see if he is serious. i truly believe though, that if a guy is not serious, he will bail anyway, and the sex thing will not really matter. but that's just me. i like sex, and i'm not withholding it for some possibility that a guy might lose respect for me or whatever. reality is, i dont want to date that kind of guy that thinks that way anyway. it's probably the same type that wants me to have had only 3 sex partners and will scrutinize every single one of them. no thank you.

Edited April 27, 2016 by tayriley

[gkly]

Hi, I would like to share mine. I got answers and my lesson, thanks to everyone who participated in my thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/578625-does-he-think-i-m-easy-now-going-guy-s-house

 

And yes, now I read yours my guy was self-absorbed. Never seen a guy who adores aroma candle and diffuser (not that they are girly or smth man can't have, but all of my guy friends didn't understand me for getting a diffuser). He loves yoga. That's all he talks about. He even showed me headstand... He asked questions about me, so wasn't complete narcissist. What I went through was a red flag (partly my fault for not being consistent with my value).

Edited April 27, 2016 by gkly

[ForeverAlone2016]

I had never really thought of it like this, but you are 100% on the money.

 

As a girl, it makes you feel so special and you fall for the act. You basically fall for the facade that 'attention' equals 'love'. Been there, done that.