Is forgiving possible for anyone?

[Erratic]

I am now faced with the problem of forgiving her. The affair started about 6 months ago, I new of the friendship and had my suspicions but she denied any sexual activity. Even though I asked to go to marriage counseling and asked her to break contact she refused. So after about 5 months I decided to give up, I wasn't getting any where and it was simply ripping my heart out everyday she continued to talk to him.

 

Shortly after this decision, she decided she wanted to work things out. She did not stop talking to him but wanted to fix our marriage, I don't understand either. On top of this I found a letter she wrote to the OM. In this letter she explained how she regrets having sex with him. Instead of immediately confronting her, angry, upset and errationale I chose to wait a few days. I wanted to think about what to say and give her a few more days to come forward about it. During the few days I dropped hints that I knew, but she still denied anything happened. When I finally confronted her, she denied it until I said I read the letter. At this point she had no choice but to talk.

 

I know forgiveness is hard and actually moving past something like this is even harder. I just can't see any way that I will ever move passed this with her. She did not come to me in regret and explain things to me, even when asked pointblank she denied it, and the only reason I was told was because I had actual proof. She continued to talk to the OM for at least another day after I confronted her. I can only believe what she says at this point but they were also talking while she was at work and I have no way of checking those phone records.

 

When I see or talk to her now I want little to do with her and I can't even think about intimacy with her. She is paniced right now because I have said I want a divorce and she is trying to force me into making a decision quickly. She does not treat me with any type of respect, consantly blaming me for what she's done and threatening me if I file for divorce. Most of this is out of anger and panic, but still how much should I tolerate, I really have no desire to work this out except for the fact that we're married and I feel that should mean something. Granted the vows I think of included something about not committing adultry but I think she missed that part, but she sure as hell remembers the part about forgiveness.

 

 

Anyway, forgiveness is not something I have ever really been good at and on occasion I still bring up past relationships that she has had. This is usually because she runs into somebody or a name is mentioned but still after 10 years it still bothers me. I didn't even know her more then 10 years ago and she has only been with me for the past 10, well except for f nut she screwed a few months ago. Like I said before how could I possibly get passed this if I still get bothered by an ex-boyfriend.

 

Is forgiveness something everybody can actually do and at what point is forgiveness just not an option?

[Merin]

Damn.. Sorry for you situation..

 

Honestly I don't see ANY forgiveness at this point UNLESS or UNTIL your Wife is capable of taking responsibility for her affair (meaning stops blaming you for it) Expresses sincere remorse (Doesn't seem that she has) AND busts her ass in doing all she can to reassure you and rebuild trust.. being that she continued to talk to and be in contact with the OM even after the affair was exposed and she knew how you were feeling.. it doesn't say very good things for her IMO that she continued to be in contact with this other Guy...

 

Sorry...

[Moose]

Personally, I believe everyone has the capability to forgive. It sounds to me that you two need to find the root of the problem, (why she cheated in the first place), and determine if that can be repaired at all.....if so, great, if not.....time to move on.

[Owl]

Have you tried counseling? Both marriage and individual for the both of you is what I would suggest.

[me2]

Its look like that she doesn't care of how hurt you feeling is. You deserve happiness and only time can proof that.

 

Forgiveness only happen if its happened and the person regret it. But in your situation she still keep doing it even after confrontation. I'm not really know what to say, because I don't know you or her. Only you can evaluate this.

 

For me, my husband cheated on me once. He admitted it, regret it and I gave him a chance. Its hard to forget but I forgive him and I rarely think about it and just go on with my life.

[jmargel]

Erratic,

 

First off you have to consider if this is 'out' of her personality for what she did. There are usually reasons for why someone did something. This is what you need to find out. The reason why she didn't tell you can vary, but I would think one of the reasons was beause she didn't want to hurt you. Not that she thought she could keep it a secret forever, but that she has come to face what she could lose. Even though it was wrong not telling you this was her way of protecting what she has.

 

Right now you have to come face to face with YOURSELF and what YOU have been doing wrong in this marriage. I'm not saying you are the bad guy but you two are not communicating with each other. When a spouse gets caught cheating it's usually remorse or defensiveness since for some people it's hard for them to accept responsibility for what they have done right away. However her remorse will come sooner or later.

 

A marriage is not what 'one can do for you' but 'what can we do for each other'. Sounds to me like you two have been having problems before all of this, whether it was expressed verbally or not. Marriage counseling is the way to go here. Right now you might not feel like giving her a second chance, but a month from now you might. I hope you keep your mind open to that. You'll have days where you'll cherish her and days where you despise her for what she did. This is normal and it will be a roller coaster for awhile. However over time this will level out.

 

There is no just 'one' talk, any information you want from her she should give. Becareful about asking for too much initimate detail, as it may only torture you more. Realize that she probably was not in the right frame of mind or thinking clearly. You love not to receive love back, you love for love sakes. You love with the notion that you may not get as much love back as you give, for that is true love. You love to be non-selfish even though your partner may be doing selfish acts.

 

No one is asking you to forgive or forget what she's done. However I believe each of you owe it to yourself to really dig deep into the issues here. The issues isn't mainly the cheating, it is what is underneath it.

[fleafly]

Hey Erratic, sorry about your situation. I would suggest to you moving your thread to the Infidelity section, there are alot of us going through what you are, as well as alot of people in here willing to give you some good advice. Second, I agree with Owl, you need to get into counseling to help you deal with this. Ill save you some trouble and recommend to you to take your time in finding a counselor that will work for you, you will want to find someone who has dealt with this before, my first counselor had no idea how to handle this kind of situation, it made matters worse for me, set me back almost three months. If and when you first go, be very specific on this.

 

We are both the same type of person, I have have a terrible time letting go of my anger(ask anyone in here lol), I have a hard time letting go of things in the past between my wife and I, you will be surprised(if you find the right person to help you explore these things) where this comes from. I will guarantee you these feelings manifested themselves long before you met your wife. Anyways, hang in there man, your not alone, there are alot of people in here willing and able to try and help you through this.