Infatuated with my boyfriend's best friend

[hartshapedbox]

I've been with my boyfriend Tom for a couple of years - we are both in our early twenties, and were kinda of "set up" by his best friend Luke, who I had known for a few years before as an online friend. While I've always been fond of Luke, I was too shy to meet him in real life (something I regret now) even though he expressed romantic interest in me. Fastforward a couple of years and I had been through a bad breakup and confided Luke (who was now in a long-term relationship), who said he knew a really nice guy (Tom) and he thought we'd get along, so I agreed to meet Tom, who is now my boyfriend.

 

The thing is, I've always had a connection with Luke and that hasn't gone away, and lately feelings are getting stronger. We still talk online sometimes (when we are in person with Tom and the rest of our friends, we don't really talk much though), and he has told me he finds me very attractive and that he wishes we had met up in person back then, and that we could have dated. He is in a long-term relationship, but he tells me how unhappy he is. It's a very hard spot to be in, for both of us, and it's not fair to our partners (who obviously don't know any of this).

 

Obviously I would never (and couldn't) pursue my feelings for the Luke because he is in a relationship and so am I, but I need to get him out of my head. The thing is, I see him nearly every week because he is my boyfriend's best friend. How can I avoid him without making my boyfriend upset that I'm avoiding his friends? How am I supposed to get over someone if I see them all the time? I am really at a loss as to how to handle these feelings. They are hard to ignore.

[preraph]

It's just a bad situation. You really need to stop with the private talking. For you two to be together, you'd both have to be willing to break up with your partners, and he would have to be willing to completely betray his best friend. If he's a good man, he wouldn't do that. I think you need to have a last private talk about it and tell him you feel you and he are too close and in a volatile situation and that it would be better not to keep having private conversations because it's a betrayal to your respective partners. It would be a lot of bad karma to act on this. And what if it didn't even work out? It would all be for nothing.

[hartshapedbox]

Thanks for your advice. I definitely don't intend on pursuing anything with him, and I doubt he would either. It would just be way too messy and we both love our partners. I agree about avoiding having those online conversations. I won't start any, and if he does, I'll politely cut it short. In terms of when we go out as a group on the weekends though, should I exclude myself completely? I don't want to distance myself from my friends, and I know this would really upset my boyfriend because he likes me to be apart of the group with him, but it is difficult seeing Luke so often.

[almond]

What would you want your boyfriend to do if he were in this position?

 

You say you don't even speak much when you see each other face to face, so just cut out the online flirting and control yourself. You've already crossed some serious lines here, and disrespected your boyfriend.

 

Either get yourself together, block all online contact with this other guy, and commit to your boyfriend...or end it and let him find someone who truly loves him.

 

If you keep going, you're going to end up in an EA, and then possibly a PA. Don't be that person. Your boyfriend doesn't deserve that. Be strong and have some self-respect. Do the right thing.

[almond]

I don't think politely cutting conversations short is enough - I think you need to tell Luke straight out that your online conversations have crossed some lines and that you no longer feel comfortable chatting online. Tell him that you respect and love your boyfriend, and that you apologise for engaging in that sort of behaviour with him and it will not happen again.

 

If it's at the point where you need to exclude yourself from social situations where he is involved, then do it. This will probably cause issues between you and your boyfriend though. It might be time to have an honest conversation with him, but it will hurt him.

 

If I were you, I'd quit the online chatting entirely, avoid social situations with him involved for a little while, get my head together and emotions in check, and then hopefully realise that I was being silly and that I love and am committed to my boyfriend.

 

If you still have feelings for your boyfriend's best friend and they do not go away despite your best efforts, your relationship is in big trouble. The best friend was willing to cross lines also...you both betrayed your boyfriend. If you can't totally rid yourself of these feelings for the other guy, I think it's best that you let your boyfriend go. You're in your early 20s...sometimes these things just don't work.

 

Try your best. Be smart, and be kind to yourself and others. Do what you would want someone to do for you in return. Don't be selfish.

 

Good luck.

[bubbaganoosh]

You know that sooner or later, your boyfriend is going to take notice and believe me, it happens and when it does then your going to have a ton of trouble.

 

Comes down to this. If your not happy with your boyfriend then end it but that doesn't mean to go straight to the other guy since he and your boyfriend are best friends. Either way your making a messy situation even more messy by not stopping.

[road]

Thanks for your advice. I definitely don't intend on pursuing anything with him, and I doubt he would either. It would just be way too messy and we both love our partners. I agree about avoiding having those online conversations. I won't start any, and if he does, I'll politely cut it short. In terms of when we go out as a group on the weekends though, should I exclude myself completely? I don't want to distance myself from my friends, and I know this would really upset my boyfriend because he likes me to be apart of the group with him, but it is difficult seeing Luke so often.

 

 

There is to be no short polite response back. No short, no polite, no response, no nothing. You must go NC with this man.

 

 

You are cheating on your BF with his best friend. You are having what is known as a Emotional Affair. EA. To end an affair there must be NC between the affair partners.

 

 

Your BF needs to be told the reason why you want NC. Even though there has been no betrayal on the physical level you are on the slippery slope to getting there.

 

 

You must block the OM number and whatever social apps you use.

[preraph]

Thanks for your advice. I definitely don't intend on pursuing anything with him, and I doubt he would either. It would just be way too messy and we both love our partners. I agree about avoiding having those online conversations. I won't start any, and if he does, I'll politely cut it short. In terms of when we go out as a group on the weekends though, should I exclude myself completely? I don't want to distance myself from my friends, and I know this would really upset my boyfriend because he likes me to be apart of the group with him, but it is difficult seeing Luke so often.

 

No. Going out is where you're going to have to put your big girl pants on and control yourself. This is why you need to let him know you've got to stop having interaction with him, so he won't expect it in person or otherwise. Then you do just like you'd do if this were a person at work you don't like but must be polite to, and you avoid communication but are always polite and that's it.

[hartshapedbox]

I've deleted my Facebook now, which is where we used to chat. I will now refuse to go out with the group of friends anymore, which will probably destroy my relationship. So thanks everyone, for your wonderful advice. I already feel bad enough, but now I'm being accused of having an affair (which is bull****) and made to feel like a piece of ****. This is a great place to come for judgement and criticism.

[Survivor12]

You have received honest and well-intended advice. How you feel about it and how you choose to react is about who YOU are--not everyone would take it the same way.

 

Making such a rash decisions while blaming your actions on the opinions of people you don't even know shows that you know what they say is true but are unwilling to admit it.

 

If you didn't feel guilty about the communications that you are having with your bf's friend--if you didn't know that your bf would find it unacceptable--you wouldn't need to hide it from him. Having clandestine communications with another man is cheating--particularly when you have feelings for each other. That is the definition of an "emotional affair".

 

Ask yourself this question & be very honest--are you taking such drastic measures to protect your relationship with your bf or to destroy it? Do you really want to break up with him but dont want to take the responsibility for it?

 

Look, no one can force you to accept the advice or opinions that you are given here. You can ignore it all, sign off and never come back. What you can't do, however, is avoid the results of your own actions. You can dodge your problems, pretend that they don't exist and lie to other people about your feelings and motivations, but in the end, you have to live with yourself.

 

You are free to reject the advice but please check your anger. There's a reason you feel so strongly about the opinions that have been given. The best thing you can do for yourself is to figure out why.

 

Good luck to you.

[hartshapedbox]

Of course I feel guilty - I never said I wasn't. I love my bf and I hate that I have feelings for another man. Does that make me a monster? I was, however, looking for some practical advice. To me, cutting off all contact is not practical because it would mean excluding myself from mine and my bf's social group, and therefore potentially straining our relationship, not to mention my other friends, who would wonder why I've stopped showing up to group events.

 

Secondly, I take offence to being TOLD I am having an affair, which is ridiculous because a) I would know if I was having an affair, and b) none of you know me or are personally involved/observing the situation, so it is quite far-fetched to insist I am "having an affair". As I have admitted, there is a mutual emotional connection and physical attraction, but no confessions of feelings, no physical touching, no seeing each other behind our partner's backs. And I do not want to, nor do I intend to, let it get to that stage. Hence why I am seeking advice.

 

I am angry, yes. Not only am I angry at myself, but I am angry that I have come here for advice and yes, while I have received that, I feel that I have also been harshly and unfairly judged and condemned.

[road]

I've deleted my Facebook now, which is where we used to chat. I will now refuse to go out with the group of friends anymore, which will probably destroy my relationship. So thanks everyone, for your wonderful advice. I already feel bad enough, but now I'm being accused of having an affair (which is bull****) and made to feel like a piece of ****. This is a great place to come for judgement and criticism.

 

 

 

Education Time:

 

 

There are two types of affairs. I am not making this up. They are the emotional and physical affairs.

 

 

Anything physical contact. If your wife/husband/BF/GF were to see you do something with another person and get upset by it is cheating. Bill Clinton defense is just another way to lie and avoid admitting the truth.

 

 

The same basically is how a EA works. Anything that you would say to your AP that would upset your wife/husband/BF/GF if they heard it is cheating.

 

 

From what you have posted there is not a BF that would not get upset if he was to learn of all of the discussions you had with your AP.

 

 

Blocking the your AP is the first good step. However your BF needs to know why you are going NC with your OM. Your BF needs to know how his best friend was trying to cheat on him with you.

 

 

You see you BF needs to go NC with this so called "friend".

 

 

Because if you and your BF do not last. Your BF does not need this "friend" to back stab him again in the future. Believe me this [man] will not hesitate to do this again to your BF.

Edited April 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~6

[hartshapedbox]

I firmly believe that this man was NOT trying to cheat with me. He acknowledged his attraction to me and that IN THE PAST, he wishes he had taken the opportunity to date me. He never gave any indication that he wanted an affair. The only thing he admitted to was regret over us not having a chance together. In fact, my BF is aware that before he met me, his friend used to try and get me to go on dates - it doesn't really phase him. He is also aware that I talk to his friend online and that we have our own friendship - again, this doesn't phase him. What would hurt him is knowing I currently have feelings for his friend. I don't even know if his friend has feelings for me - only that he likes the "idea" of me and finds me attractive.

 

So, really, if there must be a scumbag in this situation, it is me - not his friend. The friend would probably be surprised to learn I have feelings for him, in fact, because I would never tell him this. I see it this way: what otherwise would just have been a simple attraction, has turned complicated because *I* went and caught feelings. I am now trying to manage and hopefully overcome those feelings.

Edited April 5, 2016 by hartshapedbox

[road]

I firmly believe that this man was NOT trying to cheat with me. He acknowledged his attraction to me and that IN THE PAST, he wishes he had taken the opportunity to date me. He never gave any indication that he wanted an affair. The only thing he admitted to was regret over us not having a chance together. In fact, my BF is aware that before he met me, his friend used to try and get me to go on dates - it doesn't really phase him. He is also aware that I talk to his friend online and that we have our own friendship - again, this doesn't phase him. What would hurt him is knowing I currently have feelings for his friend. I don't even know if his friend has feelings for me - only that he likes the "idea" of me and finds me attractive.

 

So, really, if there must be a scumbag in this situation, it is me - not his friend. The friend would probably be surprised to learn I have feelings for him, in fact, because I would never tell him this. I see it this way: what otherwise would just have been a simple attraction, has turned complicated because *I* went and caught feelings. I am now trying to manage and hopefully overcome those feelings.

 

 

There is no reason for name calling. How ever do not make excuses for the OM for was engaged in the same inappropriate behavior. If he was a true friend to your BF he would of shut down all and any inappropriate conversations with his best friends woman. Instead he did his part to keep such inappropriate behavior going on.

 

 

There is no man that wants his GF/wife talking to another man with regret about how they did not date in the past. These types of discussions are how affairs eventually start.

[kgcolonel]

Of course I feel guilty - I never said I wasn't. I love my bf and I hate that I have feelings for another man. Does that make me a monster? I was, however, looking for some practical advice. To me, cutting off all contact is not practical because it would mean excluding myself from mine and my bf's social group, and therefore potentially straining our relationship, not to mention my other friends, who would wonder why I've stopped showing up to group events.

 

Secondly, I take offence to being TOLD I am having an affair, which is ridiculous because a) I would know if I was having an affair, and b) none of you know me or are personally involved/observing the situation, so it is quite far-fetched to insist I am "having an affair". As I have admitted, there is a mutual emotional connection and physical attraction, but no confessions of feelings, no physical touching, no seeing each other behind our partner's backs. And I do not want to, nor do I intend to, let it get to that stage. Hence why I am seeking advice.

 

I am angry, yes. Not only am I angry at myself, but I am angry that I have come here for advice and yes, while I have received that, I feel that I have also been harshly and unfairly judged and condemned.

 

Hart...maybe this will be helpful and hopefully you will not feel judgement.

 

My personal policy is:

 

When Texting a friend of the opposite sex, always copy my wife and their SO.

 

Never say anything to them that I would not say in the presence of my wife or their SO.

 

Never even allow the appearance of indescretion....always be above board and open in all communications.

 

If one were to be saying things or communicating with another in a way that they would feel would either hurt their SO or the other's SO, that is likely the beginning or worse an Emotional Affair. Many times this type of communication gradually winds up as a full blown EA or worse a PA. That is the message i see being stress here.

[kgcolonel]

He acknowledged his attraction to me and that IN THE PAST, he wishes he had taken the opportunity to date me. He never gave any indication that he wanted an affair. The only thing he admitted to was regret over us not having a chance together.

How would your BF feel about this type of conversation if he were present when the "friend" told you this?

 

Would the "friend" have even said this in the presence of your BF?

 

How did you respond when he told you this?

 

This is what makes this conversation out-of-bounds.

Edited April 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[kgcolonel]

Does that make me a monster? I was, however, looking for some practical advice. To me, cutting off all contact is not practical because it would mean excluding myself from mine and my bf's social group, and therefore potentially straining our relationship, not to mention my other friends, who would wonder why I've stopped showing up to group events.

No it doesn't make you a monster....it does however suggest that you need some boundaries though.

 

I also would not stop going out with the "group" but do not allow yourself to be alone or paired in anyway with the "friend". Make it obvious that you do not want to be alone with him and always have a third there. I will bet you that once he sees this distance, he too will (if he is REALLY a friend) will be supportive of this new direction. I do highly suggest you ask yourself that if you were to switch places with your BF, how would you want him to react. This will give you the direction i believe you are seeking.

Edited April 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[lana-banana]

You're dating, not married. The entire point of dating is to find someone you want to be with in the long-term. If both you and this other guy truly want to be together, you can make it happen. Hell, I'm living proof that it can work. But the situation requires a tremendous amount of sensitivity and respect. It also requires ample emotional honesty. Do you really want to do this, or are you just bored with the status quo?

 

Take some time for yourself. Meditate. Write out all the pros and cons. When you're finished, either embrace your boyfriend and start setting down clear boundaries, or do the hard work of ending it. I knew I had to do it because I realized if I didn't ask out this one guy I would regret it the rest of my life. I got my fairytale happily ever after but damned if it wasn't hard in the beginning. I'd be happy to offer more advice along those lines if that's what you're looking for, but first you need to decide where your heart lies.

[hartshapedbox]

When I am out with the group of friends, I'm never alone with this guy. In fact, we don't even interact that much (mostly because I'm shy and don't talk much when there's more than one person around). So, perhaps it's OK to still go out with my friends. The only thing I'm worried about is that obviously being around him, I will be thinking about him and I don't want my feelings to intensify. The past day or so I'm thinking about him less, because I have cut out the online contact by deleting my Facebook. This also stops me from looking at Facebook obsessively to see if he is online. So this has been a big help.

 

Lana - thanks for your advice. I do wonder what it would be like to be with him, but I know that due to my infatuation, I'm seeing things through rose-tinted glasses and that in reality, we possibly might not even make a good couple. It's not worth the hurt that everyone would go through, and the mess and betrayal it would cause. Especially because I wouldn't even go as far as assuming that he *wants* to be with me...I certainly don't think he'd be willing to give up his relationship plus his friendship to be with me. I would never expect that from anyone. It's life-changing stuff. So for now, I think I just need to focus on fighting these feelings, and maintaining as little contact as possible.

[Gloria25]

Ok, there was a Sex and the City where they were talking about the only way you can get rid of a ghost it to acknowledge it...

 

My fav podcaster was recently talking about a "crush" she had (yes, I was rolling my eyes to hear that a woman I looked up to would have a "crush", cuz I'm so tired of that awful word - "crush")....anywho, one day, she walked up to her crush, told him she had a crush on him, he acknowledge being flattered, and she let it go.

 

You see, we sometimes build infatuation, limerence - idealized and often unrealistic notions about a person because instead of engaging them, we sit around and wonder what if's and create this fantasy in our head about how great they are and how we must be with them...when fact is, probably after the honeymoon period of knowing that person, we'd be back to square one.

 

I say speak to Luke, have him acknowledge your feelings, and let it go...I think you have built this up to more than what realistically is really there/available.

[hartshapedbox]

Thanks for your perspective. I don't think telling him my feelings would be a good idea though, because it would put him in an awkward spot and it would just make everything terribly awkward.

 

I disagree that I have "built it up" - at least, certainly not intentionally. I acknowledge my feelings, but I also am aware that he likely does not reciprocate those feelings - at least, not past a surface sort of curiosity/attraction. So, on the contrary, I'm trying to "knock it down" so to speak.