Burning up inside

[Dragonwing]

I apologize, in advance, for the length of my pathetic rant!

Even though, if being honest with myself, I'm really looking for a specific answer, I will be as objective as I can. I have worked with this girl, I'll call her TT, for many years. I have always liked her, but in a very innocent way, and I was married (now widowed). I always respected her and thought she was extremely cute. I guess you could say I had a minor crush on her for years, even though we went days and weeks without talking, since we worked in different parts of our company. Truthfully, I got the impression she didn't like me very much. I started working with her sister, at one point, and grew to really care about her. I think I always looked out for sis because of how I felt about TT, and because sis just seemed so fragile and vulnerable to me, although very capable and very cute as well. Anyway, all was fine. I can remember feeling like a nervous school boy around TT but never thought much of it. Then, about a year and a half ago, my world changed. Adjustments were made and I found myself working with TT side by side, every day. For a while, everything moved along fine. We have undergone some dramatic changes, and handled them well. The fact is, we work very well together and have gotten much closer. We seem to have a lot in common, and I feel there's a lot of mutual respect. We depend on each other and I don’t let personal feelings affect my job. Professionally, I need her. I am better at what I do with her by my side. Personally, something's happened inside of me that I can't seem to fight, especially over the last 6 months. It's getting worse by the day. She didn't do anything to lead me on . I’ve just gotten to know her, really know her. I can't get her out of my head. She's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. It probably doesn't help that I fall asleep to her picture every night. I think about her on my drive to work and on the way home. She gets me through my workouts at the gym. Much of what I do, I feel I'm doing for her. She is so beautiful to me and my feelings have become so strong that it hurts. It’s eating away at me. I have always been a very strong person who's taken on some serious challenges and always in control. Right now, I don't feel in control. She has brought me to my knees. If she comes and talks to me or texts me out of the blue, it's the highlight of my day. I'm just so happy when I'm around her. She's got the most incredible green eyes and a smile that lights up everything and everyone around her. She's really smart and, as beautiful as she is on the outside, she's just as beautiful on the inside, and extremely kind-hearted. She's not A girl I'd want to bring home to mom, she's THE girl I want to bring home to mom. There's a bit of an age difference, but nothing unusual and I don't think either of us really notices it when we are together at work. I have tried to fight these feelings every way I can think of. I tried to focus on negative things like the rumors that she makes out with guys at parties even though she's married (spread by her so-called friends), or the fact that she didn't text me on a holiday. It hurt my feelings (even though that's silly) and I even tried to stay quiet after that and only talk to her when I had to. But that made me grumpy and she noticed. Everyone noticed. She went out of her way to make sure I was ok and I was so glad she did because I want to believe that she cares about me and thinks about me outside of work. I just keep telling myself she has absolutely no interest in me. But there's this nagging voice that swears it notices that there is something there, whether she'd admit it or not. She will say or do little things that are hard not to read into. In my eyes, she can do no wrong. I don't judge her. We all make mistakes and do things we regret. I just want SO BADLY for her to love me. I know I'd make her happy. I know we'd make each other happy. Every boy dreams about his perfect princess and she's mine. I have a feeling inside of me I've never had before and it's really confusing because we never spend time outside of work. Then, I thought, maybe if we do spend some time outside of work, it would help me get over this. Maybe I'd get to know her in a way that would allow us to just be friends and I wouldn't feel so torn up inside. . Maybe a friend date would help, even with a group. Maybe I'd get some sleep!! Then I think, "you’re full of ****! You're in love with her and looking for excuses to spend time with her because you're so happy when you're looking into her eyes, and talking with her, and listening to her talk, and breathing the same air she breathes.” She gets within 5 feet of me and I can feel my heart skip a beat and start racing. I am hiding in plain sight and, so far, doing an ok job. But I know she suspects. I find excuses to text her. We share lunch. I will do pretty much anything for her. I even make excuses to tell her I love her, but in a way that can be taken as a person just telling another "thank God for you. Have I told you I love you lately?! I do love her. But I don't want to. I just can't stop and it's killing me.

 

She's married but, every indication from people that know her, and little things I've noticed, is she's not real happy. I know what it's like to be in a marriage and, after a few years, you realize that you love them, you care about them, but something is just not right. My guess is she's going through something similar. I suspected that even before I had these feelings, and that's not helping!

 

I haven't always had it easy. But I haven't complained. I've done what I have had to do to take care of my family. Don't I deserve to be happy? Yes, I do, but not at the expense of someone else's happiness. I could never do anything to hurt her. If she truly wants to be where she is, that's where she should be. If she doesn't, it's not fair to him to stay, let alone her. It will eventually be an issue and, the longer you stay in a marriage you shouldn't be in, the harder it is to adjust. Even if I could influence that part of her life, and I don't think I can, I wouldn't. I care too much about her to do something that could hurt her. I'd rather leave my job (which might be inevitable anyway) and never see her again, rather than see her get hurt. I don't know if I believe in fate and destiny. What if they do exist? What if there's a reason I feel like I do? What if we are meant to be?

 

How do I find out how she feels about me without risking problems at work or interfering with her relationship? If she is unhappy and leaves, I need her to get to know me better outside of work. Even if she wasn't married, we'd have to keep any relationship between us a secret, at least for a while, so that people don’t feel uncomfortable, thinking it’s affecting work. Or it could end up that a superior makes an excuse to make a change and we really work well together. If this makes her in any way uncomfortable, I would make it clear that it is my issue and she need not worry. Things can go on and I will treat her just the same.

 

Everyday I pray that she would take a chance, open up to me and tell me she knows I have feelings for her, and that she has feelings for me too. This is my dream. How do I make it come true?

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by Dragonwing
Forgot something during my pathetic rant

[road]

It is normal to crush on a woman that is attractive to you.

 

 

Problem is she is married. There is no justification to get involved in her life. A marriage is for two. They do not need you as a third wheel.

 

 

Now you mentioned her sister. You liked her sister. If the sister is single then go for the sister.

 

 

Got to use paragraphs to make copy legible.

[preraph]

First of all, if you're 10 years older than her or if she's in her early 20s, she isn't going to be into you. Your comment she cares about you "whether she know it or not" is SO wrong. You think you love this girl but you don't even respect her enough to acknowledge that she has her own mine and opinion and is smart enough to make her own decisions. That's delusional and very sexist!

 

People at work are obligated to be friendly with coworkers. Even if she feels comfortable with you as a work friend and texts doesn't mean she is attracted to you. Women are perfectly content having male friends. It's the men who aren't content.

 

If she knows you are after her, then to her, you are the guy in the office who goes after married women.

 

 

She's married, and you don't even respect her marriage or her decision to remain married.

 

Over the years (I'm 63) I have seen countless older men going after girls at work and getting carried away. Usually the woman ends up leaving because she finds she can no longer be polite without them taking it the wrong way.

 

If she harbors any secret feelings for you and they amount to anything, then she will divorce her husband and free herself up to date other men. If she cheats on him instead of divorcing him, then what you are telling me is your perfect woman is a cheater who would do the same thing to you.

 

You need to get a grip on yourself. Having her photo and building your life around her sounds like something off CSI.

Edited April 4, 2016 by preraph

[Dragonwing]

Road, point well taken. I agree and don't plan to interfere. It's not something I would do. As far as sis, I've never thought that way about her. I do care a lot about her but it's more like a brotherly love. I can't explain it. She is very attractive and a sweetheart but, it's just always been different. Besides that, the sis has been married longer than TT!

[ShatteredLady]

Does she have children? It's something I always wonder.

 

This woman is MARRIED. Please have some respect. No matter how romantically you word it you're still an older man leaching after a young MARRIED work colleague.

 

I know what it's like to be in her position & it kills a little of your innocence inside when a colleague you think is a friend, a REAL friend turns out to just be trying to get into your knickers!

 

 

Let's say she does like you. You're then dangerously close to an affair. Read some of the infidelity & OW/OM forums to see the absolute devastation that causes people. Having an affair will kill something inside of her forever.

 

If she's unhappy she will divorce. She has a job, independence. Not a lot keeping in her marriage if she doesn't want to be there. She will need time to get over her divorce. If the 2 of you are that great together THEN you can pursue it.

 

Please think about what I'm saying!!

 

Office obsessions are common. People spend so much time together.

[Dragonwing]

Preraph,

I appreciate you taking the time to reply and, I agree with a few things that you said. But much of what you said doesn't apply or simply isn't true. For starters, she is 11 years older than me (42, 31). That was very assumptive of you. And I really don't see an issue with the age difference. Also, you said I was SO wrong and sexist for saying she cares about me whether she "knows" it or not. I didn't say that. I said whether she'd admit it or not. There is a very big difference between the two. I have more respect for this girl than you could ever know. She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met and quite capable of making her own decisions, especially when it comes to her marriage. As I did say, even if I could influence that, I would choose not to. That situation has nothing to do with me not respecting her marriage. Her doubts about her marriage were there long before our relationship developed and long before I developed these feelings for her. The bottom line is, I came on here seeking what I consider safe feedback and advise, not judgement. Although, that seems to be your thing. We work for a rather large advertising firm and I've been there for many years. Like most people, opportunities have surfaced for me over the years, both before and since I was unexpectedly widowed. I have walked away from all of them. I didn't cheat on my wife, nor am I the type to hook up with married girls. And I'm not crazy about the idea of office romances. They can lead to too many distractions I'd rather not deal with. Some of the girls I've politely declined invites from I found very attractive. I'm just afraid to start something I won't want to finish. I really don't feel I've done anything wrong here and I don't plan to. If she stays with her husband, she will never know how I feel. If she leaves him, it won't be because of me. I just wish there was a safe way to find out how she really feels. I guess part of me thinks if I knew, it would help me deal with this better. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't set out to develop these feelings. I just did. I don't intend on thinking about her as often as I do. It just seems to go that way. And the picture I'm referring to is a selfie she took of the two of us during a celebration party thrown in our honor for closing a deal. She is just so beautiful to me and I love this picture. You said I need to get a grip. That part I agree with. I just don't know how. I'm really struggling with this. I just want to be with her. It's like I love her so much it hurts. I'm not used to that. I don't know how to handle it. But there's a line I will never cross.

[Dragonwing]

Shattered Lady,

Again, thanks for taking the time but I'm really not sure why you're assuming certain things like that I am older than TT. She's a bit older than me and that part really isn't an issue, as far as I'm concerned. You're welcome to read my reply to Preraph. I don't feel like typing all of that again

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so very sorry!!! Ugh! I read the info in the post above & assumed they knew. That does actually change things a little for me but the HUGE, UNAVOIDABLE, BIG FAT ELEPHANT is that she is MARRIED.

 

You know this don't you? It's why you're posting here & haven't hit on her in past years. She's married. Read some of the forums I mentioned, infidelity & OW/OM if you haven't. Please don't start an affair if she means anything to you you won't!

 

Wait for her to divorce if she's unhappy.

 

I think there are certain things that happen in life & we think we 'get-it' because we're empathic but truth is...until it's happened to you you have no idea how it devastates, infests, destroys so many parts of a person. Infidelity is one of those. Suicide of family member, death of a child, it's one of the really BIG psychological, emotional, carnage spreading nightmares.

 

You don't want to be guilty of inflicting that kind of agony on other human beings. It's horrific.

[ShatteredLady]

If you truly love her you could find a new job & write her a letter stating how you feel about her, in detail, no pride. Tell her that if she ever divorces you believe that the 2 of you will be incredibly happy together but as a gentleman you needed to leave & can't see her again until she is single, out of respect to her marriage & her happiness.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm normally incredibly defensive of marriage vows (as you can tell) I'm also a hapless romantic. If you're this crazy about her finding a new job is for the best anyway. You'll loose your mind working so incredibly close to her all the time & I do believe there's a strong possibility of affair....it's how SO very many start!

 

It will kill something inside of her. It will steal her innocence. Please read the poor OW/OM it's brutal.

 

I'm sorry this got off to a bad start. Does she have children? That will make a big difference.

[Dragonwing]

She doesn't have any kids. She is unable to. I get the feeling she doesn't like to talk about it but she did once tell me that. It's a shame, too. She would be an amazing mother. I really appreciate the emphasis you're putting on the damage it would do if we had an affair. No matter how much I agree with that, it doesn't hurt to hear it, especially from someone who's had some troubling experiences. In a way, I think my feelings on the matter are an example of how tormented I am over this. Generally, I'm really not one to engage in this type of behavior. But with her, my feelings are so strong, I would do anything to keep her from getting hurt and I know that allowing that to happen could hurt her very badly. Frankly, I wouldn't want to see her husband get hurt. I don't know him. When she goes out, with friends or to company related parties, she is always solo. I've never met him. But inflicting that kind of pain can damage someone too. I can understand why someone as kind hearted and caring as TT is would be as damaged as you describe. I could never do that to her. I feel like if an armed gunman came into the room my first instinct would be to seek her out and guard her with every inch of my life. I wish finding another job was that simple.