How do you think about being friends?

[anyonecandoit]

Actually, I have a question here. How do you guys think of being friends after an unsuccessful affair, either it has happened for a short amount of time or it has happened after a long time or it doesn't happen successfully, whether it has been discovered?

 

In my situation, during a long time, his good buddy in the office(who is a senior manager), was trying hard to help make me change my attitude that we can just be like friends and normal people, like talking, joking and etc. But I have been very tough always, and showed my stone cold face.

 

What I honestly think of is that, I think being friends sounds like I'm an idiot. You keep track of my future life -- I'm going out alone, I'm doing what what over the weekend. And I'm seeing that you fly to Europe with your fiance, or go to NYC with your fiance or have a fancy dinner with your fiance. I feel like it is just humiliating that if I can remain such a friendly person afterwards, because basically I'm the one that gets hurt most.

 

How do you guys think of the request of being friends?

[OneLov]

Token offer. How many ex boyfriends do you kick it with?

[anyonecandoit]

Token offer. How many ex boyfriends do you kick it with?

 

For me, I don't hang out often with my ex. I think that's strange. Maybe once over three years I got news from someone that he just got married or changed a job.

[OneLov]

So why would an ex affair partner be different?

[anyonecandoit]

So why would an ex affair partner be different?

 

That's what I don't understand why they have such kind of request. I don't want to, and I think I have legit reason, especially in the office. But for them, it seems that since we didn't even have sex, why not just like before, be friends? I feel even this kind of request shows the stupidity of those MM!!!

[OneLov]

It's like when you were in high school. The person who is ending the relationship says something to the effect of, "I don't really like you like that, but we will always be friends. So, um....yeah....you can go ahead,....and...um....call me sometime."

[anyonecandoit]

It's like when you were in high school. The person who is ending the relationship says something to the effect of, "I don't really like you like that, but we will always be friends. So, um....yeah....you can go ahead,....and...um....call me sometime."

 

Glad I didn't fall for that. When I'm gone, it's like I'm gone forever! :p:p

[solonely9]

It is impossible. It will always be awkward. Always.

 

And I don't know why they request it. Probably not to hurt your feelings. However, they never follow up on it. XMM here and I tried it after DD, but he barely communicated anymore and this was a painful change. I too wanted us to stay friends. My reason was that I didn't want to lose him completely. I expected more attention from him though and when he went from twenty messages a day to one a week, it was just terrible.

 

So no. No way.

[anyonecandoit]

It is impossible. It will always be awkward. Always.

 

And I don't know why they request it. Probably not to hurt your feelings. However, they never follow up on it. XMM here and I tried it after DD, but he barely communicated anymore and this was a painful change. I too wanted us to stay friends. My reason was that I didn't want to lose him completely. I expected more attention from him though and when he went from twenty messages a day to one a week, it was just terrible.

 

So no. No way.

 

Actually, I hope he is gone from my life completely. I don't want to have anything in my life related to him. That's it! But these days, because of all the social life online, this is difficult!

[Grey Cloud]

It is impossible. It will always be awkward. Always.

 

And I don't know why they request it. Probably not to hurt your feelings. However, they never follow up on it. XMM here and I tried it after DD, but he barely communicated anymore and this was a painful change. I too wanted us to stay friends. My reason was that I didn't want to lose him completely. I expected more attention from him though and when he went from twenty messages a day to one a week, it was just terrible.

 

So no. No way.

 

I agree with Soloney. They want it but don't do anything about it to maintain the friendship. My xMM wanted to be friends but I knew I would never hear from him again (unless I got in contact with him first). It will always be one-sided.

[Jersey born raised]

Or even worse they are turning you into plan B or C or you never know when I might need a quickie. An Ex is an Ex for a reason, especially if one of you is married.

 

So no you need to go 180 on them. Also as the the person being left behind being around them to often leads to a sense of false hope. If you are leaving being a friend means not allowing the possibility of them having false hope.

 

So just move on. Hard to do though

Edited April 4, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[solonely9]

You're so right about the B or C plan. XMM here was saying that he needs to hold on to me. And the false hope... totally true.

[cocorico]

Usually, it's because they're still stuck in the same sucky R as before, with the same limitations and unmet needs, and they're not willing to give up the colour, light, hope, passion, whatever, that you brought to their lives. They know that without it, they're just back to where they were when they were desperate enough to want the A. Which leaves them either having to settle, or to act (fix the R, or leave it). Which they're probably not willing to do since they were earlier (when the resorted to the A).

 

For the OW, sometimes it's "this is better than nothing" (of him)... But, as others have pointed out, it has huge risks and costs and seldom really works out (I can recall a couple of cases, but very, very few).

[sandylee1]

Being friends with him is pointless. He'll just try and drag you back in the affair at some point. I think you should maintain your current stance.... but if you can drop the stoneface so he doesn't think you give a damn about him.

 

Cheaters like that love to have more than one person pining for them. It's an ego boost. ... which is wonderful for those who don't have the gumption to up and leave a relationship that they're apparently not happy in.

[privategal]

No. Keeps you holding on, eases xap guilt...is awkward, not real, extremely damaging.

 

A good analogy is continuing to go to a job and work with a smile after you were fired.

Its braver to accept its done and move on. A real friend would not have put us through these experiences and would have stood by us and not had us as a secret. You have to take the painful route and let them go.

[anyonecandoit]

Usually, it's because they're still stuck in the same sucky R as before, with the same limitations and unmet needs, and they're not willing to give up the colour, light, hope, passion, whatever, that you brought to their lives. They know that without it, they're just back to where they were when they were desperate enough to want the A. Which leaves them either having to settle, or to act (fix the R, or leave it). Which they're probably not willing to do since they were earlier (when the resorted to the A).

 

I totally agree with what you say here. I think in my situation, he has been with his fiance for more than ten years, and their relationship has come to a stage that there is not such strong passion between them. Also, before, they haven't started working so they don't know about money. Right now when he started working, suddenly he found that his fiance was not as good as he thought(he used to think his fiance is a genius and she will become famous one day. I'm not kidding, I'm serious here). And here I came into the picture that meets his standard of an independent, hardworking girl, which is probably a reflection of himself.

[Gloria25]

Being friends with him is pointless. He'll just try and drag you back in the affair at some point. I think you should maintain your current stance.... but if you can drop the stoneface so he doesn't think you give a damn about him.

 

Cheaters like that love to have more than one person pining for them. It's an ego boost. ... which is wonderful for those who don't have the gumption to up and leave a relationship that they're apparently not happy in.

 

Perfect ^^

 

Take it from me and my experience...These guys aren't leaving their SOs and want to have attention from other women. And they're perfectly happy with their SO - believe it or not. Like you said, he's been with his fiance for 10 years. How many more years does he need to know if he wants to leave her or not?

 

And yes, we all women suffer from the "I must be better than her" syndrome where we think we've got "something" that she doesn't - hence, him noticing us. Look, even "if" that's true, he wants to be with her. Some people may be in RLs that we'd never dream of being in, but it's a match for them.

 

Please, leave this guy alone. Since you have to work with him, be professional. Avoiding and/or ignoring him is gonna let him know that you're upset. Just be polite. If he tries to chat you up, just politely excuse yourself and get back to your work. If he insists, file sexual harassment charges against him.

[Grapesofwrath]

I do not advocate for friendship, especially in your case. His offer of "friendship" is another selfish attempt to have things his way. In addition to the reasons previously site, consider these:

 

* it also allows him to feel like he is a "good guy." "See how great I am? I can stay friends with my xAP!"

 

* He can keep you mollified to lessen the risk that you will tell others about the A. Keeps you in a safe place, so you can't cause trouble.

 

* Conflict-avoidance! He doesn't like it that you give him the stone face. It challenges his self-concept that he is a "good guy." Cheaters tend to avoid conflict.

 

I agree that you don't have to maintain the aggressive coldness. Act indifferent. Better yet, BE indifferent. The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

[lemondrop21]

If he is fully committed to the A being over then he doesn't really intend to be "friends" in ay real sense, he just doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

If he still has any ambivalence or would consider having sex with you in the future (whether or not he admits this to himself) then your "friendship" will be a way to lure you back into the A when he feels like doing so.

 

You lose either way. Frankly, even if you wish for the A to continue, walking away is a faster route to making that happen if it's a possibility... we all want what we can't have.

[ladydesigner]

Nope it never works. Best thing for you is to go NC.

[13Hearts]

Actually, I have a question here. How do you guys think of being friends after an unsuccessful affair, either it has happened for a short amount of time or it has happened after a long time or it doesn't happen successfully, whether it has been discovered?

 

In my situation, during a long time, his good buddy in the office(who is a senior manager), was trying hard to help make me change my attitude that we can just be like friends and normal people, like talking, joking and etc. But I have been very tough always, and showed my stone cold face.

 

What I honestly think of is that, I think being friends sounds like I'm an idiot. You keep track of my future life -- I'm going out alone, I'm doing what what over the weekend. And I'm seeing that you fly to Europe with your fiance, or go to NYC with your fiance or have a fancy dinner with your fiance. I feel like it is just humiliating that if I can remain such a friendly person afterwards, because basically I'm the one that gets hurt most.

 

How do you guys think of the request of being friends?

 

I think you are right in what you said about what it would be like.

 

A married man telling you he wants to be "friends" is sick. He is just trying to maintain his own self-image and remain in your life. There's something wrong with him.

[Gloria25]

I think you are right in what you said about what it would be like.

 

A married man telling you he wants to be "friends" is sick. He is just trying to maintain his own self-image and remain in your life. There's something wrong with him.

 

Yep, it boils down to what's best for him...period

[anyonecandoit]

I think you are right in what you said about what it would be like.

 

A married man telling you he wants to be "friends" is sick. He is just trying to maintain his own self-image and remain in your life. There's something wrong with him.

 

Right now I'm in a difficult situation. I used to think it's all gone, but it comes back in some sense. This is never as simple as it seems to be.

[Gloria25]

Right now I'm in a difficult situation. I used to think it's all gone, but it comes back in some sense. This is never as simple as it seems to be.

 

Let's say this guy wants you (not)...why would you want someone who has been with a woman for 10 years and now that he's engaged is looking around at other women?

 

Ever consider that he might have issues with commitment and now that wedding bells are being forced down his throat, his "escape" is getting entralled with you?

 

Lots of people in these so-called "long-term commited" relationships divorce soon after marriage, cuz they always had one foot outside the door and see marriage as that door closing on them.

[anyonecandoit]

Perfect ^^

 

Take it from me and my experience...These guys aren't leaving their SOs and want to have attention from other women. And they're perfectly happy with their SO - believe it or not. Like you said, he's been with his fiance for 10 years. How many more years does he need to know if he wants to leave her or not?

 

I love everything you said here!!! Strongly agree! You know, for me, it seems that what he could show that he loves me so much in the office. And then when he comes back home, he could still show how much he loves his fiance! It seems that he is never unhappy with his fiance. They are just soulmate to each other.

 

And yes, we all women suffer from the "I must be better than her" syndrome where we think we've got "something" that she doesn't - hence, him noticing us. Look, even "if" that's true, he wants to be with her. Some people may be in RLs that we'd never dream of being in, but it's a match for them.

 

You said the same thing one of my older male friends said to me. He told me not to compare. There's nothing you can compare. Can you compare with all women in the world? No you can't!