How do you think about being friends?

[anyonecandoit]

Let's say this guy wants you (not)...why would you want someone who has been with a woman for 10 years and now that he's engaged is looking around at other women?

 

Ever consider that he might have issues with commitment and now that wedding bells are being forced down his throat, his "escape" is getting entralled with you?

 

Lots of people in these so-called "long-term commited" relationships divorce soon after marriage, cuz they always had one foot outside the door and see marriage as that door closing on them.

 

The strange part in his current relationship is that they two have been together since forever. He showed that he has always loved his fiance so much and they are so committed to each other. From their facebook, it seems that they have never had enough time to love each other. He has never done something like this in his past. Their families know each other and they have the same friends circle. They just seem like one person. Then I don't understand what does it mean by what has happened on me???

[MidnightBlue1980]

Actually, I have a question here. How do you guys think of being friends after an unsuccessful affair, either it has happened for a short amount of time or it has happened after a long time or it doesn't happen successfully, whether it has been discovered?

 

In my situation, during a long time, his good buddy in the office(who is a senior manager), was trying hard to help make me change my attitude that we can just be like friends and normal people, like talking, joking and etc. But I have been very tough always, and showed my stone cold face.

 

What I honestly think of is that, I think being friends sounds like I'm an idiot. You keep track of my future life -- I'm going out alone, I'm doing what what over the weekend. And I'm seeing that you fly to Europe with your fiance, or go to NYC with your fiance or have a fancy dinner with your fiance. I feel like it is just humiliating that if I can remain such a friendly person afterwards, because basically I'm the one that gets hurt most.

 

How do you guys think of the request of being friends?

 

Think of it this way - do you have any guy friends? I do and I don't sit around posting on the internet if we should be friends. You can't be friends with xMM.

[Lady2163]

Well, it depends on what you expect from your friends and what you think a friend is.

 

I was in the military. I have people I haven't seen in 20 years, but we still talk a few times a year and comment on each other's Favebook status. They are my friends. I would drop everything for them. We've been through hell and back.

 

Then I have friends I do stuff with and have common interests and will help me move.

 

The XMM and I are friends...I think. We had a slight hiccup a couple weeks ago and haven't been in contact. I ended things two years ago and we've only seen each other once since then, because the temptation is too much. We talk and text regularly, not daily, not always weekly but often. We have common interests, we have knowledge and expertise to share. We have a genuine "like" for each other. We don't fight. I want him to be happy and I think he wants the same for me.

 

It is possible, but you have to ask yourself why you want to be friends and what does that look like? If you aren't on the same page with that, then no, it won't work.

 

I also have a good rapport with several exes.

[anyonecandoit]

Well, it depends on what you expect from your friends and what you think a friend is.

 

I was in the military. I have people I haven't seen in 20 years, but we still talk a few times a year and comment on each other's Favebook status. They are my friends. I would drop everything for them. We've been through hell and back.

 

Then I have friends I do stuff with and have common interests and will help me move.

 

The XMM and I are friends...I think. We had a slight hiccup a couple weeks ago and haven't been in contact. I ended things two years ago and we've only seen each other once since then, because the temptation is too much. We talk and text regularly, not daily, not always weekly but often. We have common interests, we have knowledge and expertise to share. We have a genuine "like" for each other. We don't fight. I want him to be happy and I think he wants the same for me.

 

It is possible, but you have to ask yourself why you want to be friends and what does that look like? If you aren't on the same page with that, then no, it won't work.

 

I also have a good rapport with several exes.

 

I think in your case, it applies because your xMM and you both have bottom line about what you both want. But in my case and in most cases, it doesn't apply because one party is too greedy and is ready to take advantage of this relationship. Actually, I could stay in friends with him if and only if he keeps his bottom line. But unfortunately he won't if I lower my bottom line. He wants too much from just a friend. When two are friends, whether two male or two female or one female one male, whether they have affair, they need to be equal. But when one party wants to take advantage, then it is not equal and not fair.

[anyonecandoit]

In my situation, what I mean he wants more of a friend is that he seems to seek support from me that he should get from his fiance instead of me. And I think in some other people, it means that they seek the things that they don't get from their wife. And in the end, OW give them what they cannot get from their own SOs, and then they just become useless. And then those men go back to their relationships to become good H again. That is funny!

[whichwayisup]

The strange part in his current relationship is that they two have been together since forever. He showed that he has always loved his fiance so much and they are so committed to each other. From their facebook, it seems that they have never had enough time to love each other. He has never done something like this in his past. Their families know each other and they have the same friends circle. They just seem like one person. Then I don't understand what does it mean by what has happened on me???

 

That you know of. Don't assume he's completely honest.

[whatatangledweb]

Actually, I have a question here. How do you guys think of being friends after an unsuccessful affair, either it has happened for a short amount of time or it has happened after a long time or it doesn't happen successfully, whether it has been discovered?

 

In my situation, during a long time, his good buddy in the office(who is a senior manager), was trying hard to help make me change my attitude that we can just be like friends and normal people, like talking, joking and etc. But I have been very tough always, and showed my stone cold face.

 

 

I have worked in two different jobs where I was the only female. You say there are mainly men where you work and you are from a different country. Why do you believe the soon to be MM asked a senior manager to ask you to be friends instead that the manager did it because he may see an issue in the office and believes there may be a misunderstand with this and wants it cleared up?

 

You really have to be a professional here.You believe the MM is sending his people in to find out things about you, while it could be those people just want to get to know you. You are then blocking them from your team. Other people have to be noticing how you are acting around him and other co workers. You could be considered the person causing unrest in there and replaced. You don't have any evidence that he is doing anything, no emails, texts so that won't protect you if it comes down to that.

 

I'm telling you this because I worked with men and we were all friendly. When more women were hired down the line and started what our manager considered drama, they were fired. To protect your job, you are better off just acting the same with everyone and move past it. I'm not saying it will be easy but it is best for you and your career. I'm really worried about you.

[anyonecandoit]

I have worked in two different jobs where I was the only female. You say there are mainly men where you work and you are from a different country. Why do you believe the soon to be MM asked a senior manager to ask you to be friends instead that the manager did it because he may see an issue in the office and believes there may be a misunderstand with this and wants it cleared up?

 

You really have to be a professional here.You believe the MM is sending his people in to find out things about you, while it could be those people just want to get to know you. You are then blocking them from your team. Other people have to be noticing how you are acting around him and other co workers. You could be considered the person causing unrest in there and replaced. You don't have any evidence that he is doing anything, no emails, texts so that won't protect you if it comes down to that.

 

I'm telling you this because I worked with men and we were all friendly. When more women were hired down the line and started what our manager considered drama, they were fired. To protect your job, you are better off just acting the same with everyone and move past it. I'm not saying it will be easy but it is best for you and your career. I'm really worried about you.

 

It's really hard to explain it if you're not me, or you're not in this. Yes, he could be interested in just in knowing me, but his action means much more than that to the extent that will be beyond just interested in knowing me. I swear I am not lying or imagining it. I acted normal with my teammates and we get along friendly. And I'm professional in my job as well, hardworking and responsible.

 

I think the most important reason that he didn't initiate any action is probably he didn't want to cause any trouble on him in any way. Because I think on one side he wants to get what he cannot get, on the other side he doesn't want to lose anything. Honestly speaking, if he ever had any written proof, I could really get him fired(I'm serious). That's his smart way of doing it. He could always say that he doesn't do anything, cuz there's no proof. OK, can HR fire someone only if he stares at a girl at lunch? No, because he will say this doesn't mean anything.

 

We're all human beings and we have emotions. It's hard not to notice that someone sees you in a different way. I have male friends as well and I have American male friends. And I can tell who acts differently. I don't say that everyone in the office is interested in me. Then why I only mentioned him.

[anyonecandoit]

In other way, if I'm just interested in knowing someone just to be friends(like music or sports), I will just walk to his place or go to have lunch with him/her at their table. And I think it's quite legit to do that in the office as well. Who refuses to have one more friend? But what does it mean if someone always stares at you at lunch and doesn't even dare to talk to you or write to you?

[anyonecandoit]

Or to say it in a more direct and shameless way of myself, if I start to talk to him and say that I want to have sex with him without letting anyone know it, he will probably do it. And in this way, I will definitely get fired. And if I say it to another male coworker in my team, they will definitely refuse it.

[anyonecandoit]

Besides, I don't really understand that an engaged man always stares at another girl at lunch? Is this cultural difference? I stopped going to cafe to have lunch completely.

 

Yes, my culture is different. We don't normally have engagement in marriage. Usually, two people decide to get married and they will just get married and have the marriage certificate and then have celebration. Also, in my culture, when two people just started dating and they move together, it is not very common. In my culture, moving together almost means settling down in most of the case.

[anyonecandoit]

The reason I started distance from his team members is they are gossiping around the office. Nobody in my team knows about it and gossips about it. Only people in his team do that. I admitted that I'm not a very skilled person in social and sometimes might be awkward, but I can tell people's intention. I started keeping a distance to prevent all the people gossip about this in the office.

[Adoraxx]

Let him stare all he wants...!! He can't have you, he is with someone else: his choice!

 

So let him stare and know that you deserve sooooo much better than a staring man haha. If a man is really interested (and available of course!!) , he will do more than just stare and stare and stare.

 

Ignore his lame stares and perhaps you can find a seat where all he can see is your back .

 

xx

Adoraxx

[anyonecandoit]

Let him stare all he wants...!! He can't have you, he is with someone else: his choice!

 

So let him stare and know that you deserve sooooo much better than a staring man haha. If a man is really interested (and available of course!!) , he will do more than just stare and stare and stare.

 

Ignore his lame stares and perhaps you can find a seat where all he can see is your back .

 

xx

Adoraxx

 

From the way he behaves, eventually I understand that he won't take any action on it. He just wants the cake and eat it as well. He even doesn't have the guts to admit it and then I should never have any fantasy. His fiance will look much better on his profile. It's been hard to hold myself but finally I see it's worth it.

[whatatangledweb]

Besides, I don't really understand that an engaged man always stares at another girl at lunch? Is this cultural difference? I stopped going to cafe to have lunch completely.

 

Yes, my culture is different. We don't normally have engagement in marriage. Usually, two people decide to get married and they will just get married and have the marriage certificate and then have celebration. Also, in my culture, when two people just started dating and they move together, it is not very common. In my culture, moving together almost means settling down in most of the case.

 

In America it is pretty common for couples to live together. Some end up getting married. While others don't feel the need to get married.

 

Some men do stare whether they are single , engaged, or married. I have it happen. I ignore it. There are many reasons they do it. Personally I find it childish and sometimes creepy for an adult to keep staring.