She cheated on her ex. Should I be worried?

April 4, 2016

Hi everyone, I need your help.

I have been dating this girl for 3 months now. She is the most amazing girl I have ever met, so beautiful and I see a bright future for us. I love her and she loves me, but something happened the other night which I can't seem to get over.

Basically, we went out Saturday night with a few friends. We had a great evening, quite a bit to drink and a good laugh. However, towards the end of the night, she mentions that she cheated on her ex. To give you a bit of background, she dated her ex for 2 years, but she admits that she never really loved him and tried to break it off way before that. She is completely over him, because she has told me so.

After she told me that she cheated on him, I was quite taken aback because I had no idea. I saw her yesterday and she ended up crying because she feels like she has f***ed everything up because of her past. Now, I know all about her past and I've told her that I don't care about her past, which I don't, because I know all she wants is to be with me. But for some reason, I can't get this out of my head.

I've spoken to her best friend about it and she has told me that she is a completely different person now and cares about me and loves me so much and has never seen her happier.

I know this and all I want to do is forget about it. But for some reason now I feel I can't trust her as much, even though I know she would never cheat on me because she has told me she has never felt the way she feels about me before.

Please help, all I want to do is forget about it and move on.

Thanks in advance!

April 4, 2016

I think it's cool that she feels bad about it and is honest about it with you. She trusts you enough to discuss it with you. When I see this kind of thing, I need to know that the cheater hasn't blocked it out of their mind. I need to know that they have reflected on it, learned and moved on. Clearly your girl has reflected on it. Usually people are good, but situations mess us up. Her situation in the past sounds exceptional to the person she wants to be.

Your problem is that you think cheating is bad. But you need to rethink, that cheating might be the most natural decision in the worst situation.

April 4, 2016

You can't live in the past or focus on it. She's your present and possibly your future. Whatever her life was about before you came along, was nothing to do with you. Everyone has a past, we've all done things we love and things we regret, we've all been with others and we've all lost and loved before. If you spend your time thinking about what came before, you'll ruin what will happen next. She's been open to you about this and has shown emotion in regards to it (rather than just tossing it aside as if it meant nothing). See the positive in this, in that she feels the need to be honest with you and also truly cares how you feel towards her. Remember too that as much as you're concerned about it, she is too, right now. As much as you're asking a bunch of strangers to tell you it's okay, she's hoping that the man she loves is going to tell her the same.

April 4, 2016

You can't live in the past or focus on it. She's your present and possibly your future. Whatever her life was about before you came along, was nothing to do with you. Everyone has a past, we've all done things we love and things we regret, we've all been with others and we've all lost and loved before. If you spend your time thinking about what came before, you'll ruin what will happen next. She's been open to you about this and has shown emotion in regards to it (rather than just tossing it aside as if it meant nothing). See the positive in this, in that she feels the need to be honest with you and also truly cares how you feel towards her. Remember too that as much as you're concerned about it, she is too, right now. As much as you're asking a bunch of strangers to tell you it's okay, she's hoping that the man she loves is going to tell her the same.

Thank you for this response, it is exactly what I needed to hear. You're spot on, the past is the past and her telling me shows that she truly does care about my feelings towards her and she doesn't want anything to ruin what we have. Thank you!

April 4, 2016

Watch out.

April 4, 2016

People make mistakes.

I really REALLY wanted to cheat on my ex. It nearly happened too.

To be honest I would not and do not feel guilty about it.

When we are miserable and lonely we make mistakes.

My advice?

Make sure the communication is there so you can both act together if those times arise.

April 4, 2016

I assume you're a big boy here and you can handle unpleasant possibilities, so I'm gonna give it to you straight as I see it. (And of course I could be totally wrong - I don't know either of you but this is what immediately formed up as I read your OP. Seen it before.)

You - you feel insecure bc in truth you don't know she won't cheat on you too. How could you? She just admitted she's a cheater.

Her - she feels bad bc she's not sure she won't cheat on you too. Why? Bc the way you talk you're a 'nice' guy - you accept her past and all that, great, but I think what she probably wanted from you is some measure of condemnation for her earlier cheating. Women don't really want to be worshipped as flawless and faultless, and when guys do that no matter what it was, they look weak. Women don't respect weak men and start to wander. That might even be what happened to the last guy.

So ....I doubt she wants to hear "don't worry baby, you could murder an old lady and I'd still love you." She wants you to hold her accountable - both bc she deserves to be held accountable and bc that way she can respect you and have some sense of reassurance that she won't start to get 'meh' feelings about you and want to wander again.

So I'd suggest you man up w/her and show some degree of consequences. You don't have to be a dick but you can tell her this gave you a lot to think about and you might want some time alone to process and tell her in no uncertain terms that if you ever got a hint of that w/her you'd walk in a second. She's be pouty and feel sorry for herself in response most likely but that's what she'd actually want, and she'd also feel better pretty quick bc she'd be reassured she can respect you.

April 4, 2016

I got to agree with Jen here, despite what I said earlier. As much as someone's past is their past and theirs alone, as it bothers you, you should talk it through and be firm about it too. Like Jen says, she may want and admire that you won't take that from her. If she expects commitment from you, then you expect the same from her. That's how relationships work, it's all about mutual trust and respect, with plenty of love and messy moments in-between. That said, I also still think that we all make mistakes and we either learn from them, or repeat them.

April 4, 2016

I assume you're a big boy here and you can handle unpleasant possibilities, so I'm gonna give it to you straight as I see it. (And of course I could be totally wrong - I don't know either of you but this is what immediately formed up as I read your OP. Seen it before.)

You - you feel insecure bc in truth you don't know she won't cheat on you too. How could you? She just admitted she's a cheater.

Her - she feels bad bc she's not sure she won't cheat on you too. Why? Bc the way you talk you're a 'nice' guy - you accept her past and all that, great, but I think what she probably wanted from you is some measure of condemnation for her earlier cheating. Women don't really want to be worshipped as flawless and faultless, and when guys do that no matter what it was, they look weak. Women don't respect weak men and start to wander. That might even be what happened to the last guy.

So ....I doubt she wants to hear "don't worry baby, you could murder an old lady and I'd still love you." She wants you to hold her accountable - both bc she deserves to be held accountable and bc that way she can respect you and have some sense of reassurance that she won't start to get 'meh' feelings about you and want to wander again.

So I'd suggest you man up w/her and show some degree of consequences. You don't have to be a dick but you can tell her this gave you a lot to think about and you might want some time alone to process and tell her in no uncertain terms that if you ever got a hint of that w/her you'd walk in a second. She's be pouty and feel sorry for herself in response most likely but that's what she'd actually want, and she'd also feel better pretty quick bc she'd be reassured she can respect you.

Thank you Jen, actually quite helpful. Although this has kind of already happened. I spoke to her about it yesterday and mentioned that she didn't strike me as the sought of person who would cheat. She then did cry a bit because this has been playing on her mind for a while because she didn't want it to affect our relationship. I said to her that I've thought about it a lot and I'm over it. Obviously I'll remember it but it won't affect our relationship because I know she's a different person now. Plus, she didn't really love the guy she cheated on, but she has told me she loves me more than anyone before. So really I don't think I have anything to worry about and things are great now.

Thanks for your advice.

April 4, 2016

Watch out.

Yes. Totally!

I would be very wary of a cheater. I would let her know you don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Why would she put it out there for you to know anyways? Was it a slip up? Was it intentional?

April 4, 2016

People make mistakes.

I really REALLY wanted to cheat on my ex. It nearly happened too.

To be honest I would not and do not feel guilty about it.

When we are miserable and lonely we make mistakes.

People make choices. Mistake is something you unknowingly do, an error... cheating is a choice. You cheat because you want to.

April 4, 2016

Yes. Totally!

I would be very wary of a cheater. I would let her know you don't tolerate that kind of behavior. Why would she put it out there for you to know anyways? Was it a slip up? Was it intentional?

I won't go into detail, but she knows the way I felt about it and that I was disappointed to learn that she has cheated in the past. She wanted to be honest with me and just get it off of her mind and wanted to make sure it didn't effect our relationship, so was definitely intentional to tell me.

April 4, 2016

I would have the same concerns as you, primarily because I think a person with a wandering eye doesn't tend to lose that wandering eye.

A leopard never changes its spots sort of thing. If she did it to someone else, what's to say she won't do it again? After all, it reveals her true character.

I mean, it's very well possible it was a 'fluke' situation, but how can it really be fluke when she made the decision, she followed through on it? The fact that she's trying to excuse her behavior in a way by stating she 'didn't love him' and 'tried to break it off before' is a huge red flag. It demonstrates she cannot be trusted. After all, why wouldn't she just break it off like a decent person and not betray him and hurt him? There's no excuse for cheating. She chose to be with him and to cheat instead of break up with him. Stating she wasn't in love and tried to break it off before = flimsy excuses. Wouldn't you rather she owned she cheated and messed up and ended it there rather than making excuses? Not that that changes the situation at all, as the bottom line remains the same: she's a cheater.

I would tread carefully as your fate could be the same.

It's understandable you'd want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but my honest opinion is that most cheaters stay cheaters because it's a core issue, a character issue that is not easily changed.

Your gut is your best friend. Pay attention to it.

April 5, 2016

I would have the same concerns as you, primarily because I think a person with a wandering eye doesn't tend to lose that wandering eye.

A leopard never changes its spots sort of thing. If she did it to someone else, what's to say she won't do it again? After all, it reveals her true character.

I mean, it's very well possible it was a 'fluke' situation, but how can it really be fluke when she made the decision, she followed through on it? The fact that she's trying to excuse her behavior in a way by stating she 'didn't love him' and 'tried to break it off before' is a huge red flag. It demonstrates she cannot be trusted. After all, why wouldn't she just break it off like a decent person and not betray him and hurt him? There's no excuse for cheating. She chose to be with him and to cheat instead of break up with him. Stating she wasn't in love and tried to break it off before = flimsy excuses. Wouldn't you rather she owned she cheated and messed up and ended it there rather than making excuses? Not that that changes the situation at all, as the bottom line remains the same: she's a cheater.

I would tread carefully as your fate could be the same.

It's understandable you'd want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but my honest opinion is that most cheaters stay cheaters because it's a core issue, a character issue that is not easily changed.

Your gut is your best friend. Pay attention to it.

Great post. 100% truth.

April 5, 2016

First off, stop lying to yourself:

Now, I know all about her past and I've told her that I don't care about her past, which I don't,

Yes you do--otherwise this thread wouldn't have been started and you wouldn't have said the following:

After she told me that she cheated on him, I was quite taken aback because I had no idea. I saw her yesterday and she ended up crying because she feels like she has f***ed everything up because of her past.because I know all she wants is to be with me. But for some reason, I can't get this out of my head. I know this and all I want to do is forget about it. But for some reason now I feel I can't trust her as much, even though I know she would never cheat on me because she has told me she has never felt the way she feels about me before.

The thing is: you don't know if she would cheat on you. I'm sure that before she cheated on her ex, she'd have said she wouldn't cheat on him, either. I don't know why she told you--perhaps someone else would have and she was trying to come clean before someone else outted her? Who knows, but you can't unring that bell now. And the problem is: you have a problem with what she did and that problem now colors how you view her. She's no longer "pure" in your eyes and you need to figure out if you can or can't get past her not being "pure" --and if you can't, you need to just cut her loose and find a "pure" girl. This one has faults--all of us do to one extent or another--but cheating speaks to character issues. It was just as easy for her to have broken up with a guy she no longer loved than to cheat on him.

April 5, 2016

It does not sound like she is over the situation, and possibly not over him. This is clearly indicated by drinking and talking about it (it is still weighing on her mind).

There is also something to be said for someone pushing a new partner away (consciously or not) to see how they will react. If you stay, it boosts her level of security, but that will only be a temporary high. I am not saying this is the case, but if it is, it is not the sign of an emotionally healthy person. Not to mention the cheating... you don't "try" to break something off, you break it off, before being intimate with someone new.

Good luck.

April 5, 2016

Ever wondered why the phrase ''the past is the past'' is only used when referring exclusively to something from the past that is negative....

April 5, 2016

I've spoken to her best friend about it and she has told me that she is a completely different person now and cares about me and loves me so much and has never seen her happier.

Up to you what you do - I have to say for me these days if I was thinking of a serious relationship with a girl it would be a deal breaker. Honestly enough to cut someone loose. I put as much importance on examining a girls character as I do examining how well we work together and how I feel about her. Why ? Well it relates to whats written above.

Its all good now because she is really happy so she wouldn't cheat right ? But see long term relationships go through ups and downs. I've been in two decent length relationships of over 5 years and things are not always rainbows and lolleypops. Sometimes you fight, sometimes you're stressed, sometimes you really just don't get along. You have tough periods you have to get through.

Her previous actions are a very good indicator of how she will act when life pressures are applied to the relationship in maybe 2-3 years time and another opportunity arises. The best predictor of future behavior as they say - is past behavior. When you go through a 3 month bad spell and is not feeling happy or loved does that mean suddenly cheating is ok ?

Edited April 5, 2016 by Justanaverageguy

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