Am I too needy?

[RocketQueen]

Was hoping for peoples opinions here. I am usually really level headed but this situation has left me feeling like I'm a little bit crazy.

 

Back story as condensed as it can be. My ex left me in December 2014, we had been friends for 5 years (him crushing on me) and got together and had 5 years together in a relationship, kind of long distance, he was in the army so we saw each other weekends.

 

After 3 years he moved in with me when he left the army. He found 'real life' hard- was shocked by bills he didn't need to deal with in the army and I think missed the routine and structure. He took time off as he had had a pay out and was very lazy. He then got a job which he hated with very long hours and our relationship suffered, he was tired and moody, I was tired from working and doing everything at home and our sex life suffered (me not being in the mood).

 

So December 2014 he just told me he was leaving, not considering, was going. I was shocked. His parents live 300 miles away and that was where he was going. The next few days were a blur. When he left we both hugged and cried and he told me he still loved me.

 

When he was back home I went through the emotional phase, we spoke daily and before new year he suggested trying again and taking it easy, I agreed and he changed his mind a few days later. I was upset. We played around with no contact but it never happened.

 

Early 2015 he came to get the rest of his belongings, he was affectionate and I was silly and we slept together. We wasted time a few times up until March 2015 him getting closer, us meeting up him pulling away. I had had enough and deleted him on social media and went very low contact- he would contact my sister etc

 

Late 2015 the contact picked up again, but I was in a much better place. We would talk occasionally and it would be nice catching up.

 

He bought himself a house and for me it was a sad moment, knowing he had finally settled down. He contacted me and showed me his house, was concerned before I saw it that I wouldn't like it which I found strange. He mentioned it was near a school and I had a pang of jealousy thinking he had thought about the future and possible kids. His house was way bigger than he needed.

 

He mentioned I would love it, the views from the windows and that having schools nearby would mean I could maybe get a job (I'm a teacher). I didn't say anything I just thought he was trying to be funny.

 

Christmas day he video called to speak to me and my family, he had sent a very generous gift for each of my children and he spoke to everyone who was there, it was nice.

 

He then messaged me that night and said he was still in love with him and would I consider giving us another try- for the time it would obviously be long distance. I was scared but wanted to. We agreed and he came a few days later for a visit.

 

Things were nice and we got on well. We met up a further few times, me visiting him twice and him coming here every time he had a long weekend from work.

 

We would talk daily on video call but come Fridays I wouldn't hear from him usually until Sunday unless he left a drunk voicemail when he got in from being out with his mates.

 

I said I would appreciate some contact on a weekend, even if every now and then he would just text to say he was out that night and would speak later, some kind of contact. I am not a jealous person and at no point really worried what he was up to. He apologised and agreed to be a little more thoughtful, but it never really changed that much.

 

When he was here he would be affectionate in front of family members and my sister asked me one day what was happening/where this was going. When I spoke to him he said 'it is what it is' and he didn't see the need for a label. I said I wasn't looking for a label but just for me, I'd like to know how he saw it. He said he felt pressured. I backed off.

 

Last weekend he asked if he could come and see me and had to cancel 12 hours later because he said he couldn't afford to come, he had had an unexpected bill, I understood his reasons but he saw me being disappointed as 'guilt tripping' him.

 

The way he reacted made me think things through, I spoke to him and said I was feeling a bit insecure, I didn't know where I stood and that he wanted to act like a couple when we were together and like a 'pal' when we weren't. He asked what I wanted from him and I said just some verbal reassurance (if I don't talk to him he thinks hes done something wrong etc) he said I was emotional and tired and we'd speak later.

 

It all came to a head last night when we spoke and he said he was watching what he said because he didn't want an emotional conversation.

 

The understanding was that if this worked out I would eventually move to be with him (his suggestion) and I said if I were to even consider it I would need what I saw as equal commitment and feeling from him- not for anyone else, for my own peace of mind.

 

He said I was aware that we might be only able to see each other once a month and I told him it was his attitude towards me the times we weren't together that was becoming an issue.

 

His in ability to say anything other than 'I think we both know we're more than friends' to me, said he wasn't totally feeling it.

 

Friends and family who know us both have said he is having his cake and eating it and that most of the meet ups are on his terms (they are) and if he can't talk to me about us then its a problem.

 

I ended up deleting him from Facebook last night and told him I care but that I feel more like a FWB right now.

 

He said near the end of the conversation that he loves me and always will but finds it hard when I'm like this, he can't seem to deal with any kind of emotion unless he's feeling down and wants reassurance.

 

He was supposed to come on the 12th of this month to go to a football match with my son, and asked if he could still come...

 

He ended the conversation with 'next time we talk, be happy and normal'

 

I'm pulling my hair out here, I do love him but he seems to fail to see my side.

 

Am I mental and needy? I wasn't the one who suggested trying again and I feel like he's just messing with my feelings.

 

Sorry its so long.

 

Thank you!

[Emilia]

You aren't mental but perhaps the fact that you didn't cut him out of your life back in early 2015 points to a little neediness.

 

I think women who are prepared to put the army, etc before their own needs to settle for an LDR with an army guy are needy. Speaking as one formerly.

 

Hopefully you have learned how important boundaries are and if a person isn't capable of maintaining a stable relationship, that's not likely to change.

 

Hopefully you have learned the value of no contact - or NC as we refer to it here. That took me a while.

 

Edit: he was definitely trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that you would stop 'bugging' him and stop expressing your needs. Not your fault at all! Carrying on talking to him was your fault though.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Emilia

[RocketQueen]

Thanks for your reply, you're right, I should have gone no contact right in the beginning but I was willing to discuss what my mistakes and his might have been etc as back then there seemed like there might be the opportunity to iron things out.

 

The long distance thing I didn't see as needy, I was independent enough to not need the 24/7 thing, we trusted each other 100% and communication was good but that is all in the past.

 

I am learning the importance of boundaries, I think I have been a little naive in thinking people don't say what they truly mean. I think everything through and rarely act on instinct and need to remember not everyone is the same.

 

Thanks again.

[d0nnivain]

Expecting your partner to be all in if you are is not "needy". Needy is demanding 24/7 access & unreasonable amounts of togetherness.

 

You wanted an adult relationship where both your needs & his needs were fulfilled. He wanted what he wanted, without regard to you.

 

Let him go. This man child has not finished growing up. You already have 1 kid. Do you really need another?

[kztar]

Expecting your partner to be all in if you are is not "needy". Needy is demanding 24/7 access & unreasonable amounts of togetherness.

 

You wanted an adult relationship where both your needs & his needs were fulfilled. He wanted what he wanted, without regard to you.

 

Let him go. This man child has not finished growing up. You already have 1 kid. Do you really need another?

 

Agree. Just went through this myself and no you were not too "needy".

Everything stated above = TRUE. Let him go

[Ellie35]

The very fact that you are on here asking if you are being needy says it all. He has you convinced that you are being needy, demanding and emotional. You are not. He is having the life he wants, on his terms, when he wants it. Popping in and out when it suits him etc.

 

You don't need to explain anything to him. Cut him off completely and tell him that you need to time to figure out what you want. Block him everywhere. Completely no contact. And use this time to join a gym, get healthy, make new friends , get educated , read more, laugh more etc. during this process of finding yourself , figure out why you are settling for bread crumbs, why you have to ask a man for time , reassurance and support. If you have to ask for these things in a relationship, there is something wrong. Then get confident, self assured and put yourself first from now on.

 

He will either man up and realise your worth but only if you put some value on yourself which you have not being doing.

 

Or

 

He will run away because he will realise that in order to be with you he has to actually make some effort and that's too much for him.

 

Words mean nothing. Look at his actions. If something doesn't feel right, it's usually because it isn't.

[Standard-Fare]

His behavior has been unfair. He never should have told you he was still in love with you and wanted a second chance if he wasn't prepared to back that up with real actions. Yet as you've seen, he hasn't lived up to that at all.

 

I think enough is enough. You've been riding this rollercoaster with him for years at this point and you can't keep doing this to yourself.

 

If he can't get real about offering you a genuine, stable commitment that's headed somewhere significant (i.e. moving into together, even marriage), you have to cut him off. And you need to do so in a way that's firm and final so you don't just repeat this cycle for the next three or four years of your life, getting left with nothing.

[RocketQueen]

Thank you for the replies. I genuinely thought the responses would be more negative towards my reaction and I'm feeling quite emotional seeing what I've thought about in black and white from you all.

 

I know I have placed too high a value on him and what he has offered and have to now make some positive changes in myself to make sure I truly learn from this.

 

Thanks again. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.