Trying to read the tea leaves!

[unexpected]

I've been in an LDR for 6 months. We see each other once a month for a 4-5 day stretch. I'm 44 and she is 42 so we're not a couple of young lovers. I dated her for 5 years about 20 years ago. After a 17 year marriage and a divorce (for both of us) we kind of got back together (I know, it sounds like a movie). Anyway, I don't think she is cheating on me. She is usually really available most of the time when I text her. She is just really busy! She holds down two consulting positions and writes romance novels on the side! She is also working on getting her son through college. Her son does not know about me and my 10 year old daughter doesn't know about her. So, I understand why some of our relationship seems cloak and dagger from time to time. Also, I don't know why she'd waste her time and money flying to see me if she had somebody local. I mean, I think I'm a catch and all, but really? Why would anybody waste time and money if they had something they liked locally?

 

So, my area of concern is her romance novel writing. She let me know about it about a month ago but when I asked for her pen name, she went all weird on me. Said she was not comfortable sharing that part of her, yet. I couldn't get her to tell me why. She just said, "Not now". So, I'm thinking, why even tell me about it at all then? So, last night she texts me that in her latest novel she used an experience that she and I had for a scene in the book. I asked if it was steamy. She said, "yes. I just wanted to let you know how awesome you are". I told her I know she isn't comfortable sharing her pen name, or her novel names with me, but I hope someday she will be comfortable enough to share all things with me. Then she says, "Its complicated". Jesus, the "its complicated" response!! Really??

 

So, my question is, would you find this reason for concern? She has always been kind of private, and logically it makes no sense for her to waste time and money on seeing me if she has something else going on. So, what are other peoples thoughts on this? Should I just leave it be? I mean, right now I have no local interests and the time I do spend with her is awesome! Friendship, intimacy, you name it - it's out of this World every time we are together. I kind of feel like why look a gift horse in the mouth? I should just go with it. If there really is something else going on it isn't affecting me as we haven't really set any long term plans (other than just dreams).

 

Okay - done now. Interested to see what others have to say.

 

Thanks!

[jen1447]

Just respect her and leave it be.

 

Ppl's creative efforts can make them seemingly weird ....it's likely just some measure of insecurity - she might be afraid you'd hate it, you'd think it was a weird side of her, you'd think she was pretentious ....she might not think it's good enough herself to share w/close ppl as opposed to strangers, etc. Could be anything. Sometimes it can be a real challenge to expose yourself in a way that creative work implies. It can really expose the 'real' you, and ppl often aren't comfy with that.

 

(Also she may indeed not understand or conceptualize all that herself, so "it's complicated" could be pretty accurate in her mind.)

[TMichaels]

I'd leave it be, but...

 

a) I wouldn't be surprised that the kind of "romance novels" she supposedly writes aren't of the G-Rated Penguin Paperback variety which is why she's reluctant to reveal her pen name.

 

b) I'd be a little leery if she makes a habit of using your encounters as fodder for her writing. Being someone's "muse" can be an nice ego boost, but at some point you may start wondering whether she's just hooking up with you in order to do "research" which is tax-deductible, by the way.

 

c) It sounds like she is always the one flying to see you. Have you flown to see her in her locale? If it were me, I'd suggest that and see if she "goes all weird on you" again. If so, my "suspicion meter" would click up a few notches and I'd probably back off. Too many "secrets" and "protected" behavior in my book.

 

But as I say, for the time being I'd let the pen name issue slide, but wouldn't erase it from my memory bank. It may be an isolated incident, but then again, it could be one of several red flags of pattern of which won't be apparent until over time.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[unexpected]

I'd leave it be, but...

 

a) I wouldn't be surprised that the kind of "romance novels" she supposedly writes aren't of the G-Rated Penguin Paperback variety which is why she's reluctant to reveal her pen name.

 

b) I'd be a little leery if she makes a habit of using your encounters as fodder for her writing. Being someone's "muse" can be an nice ego boost, but at some point you may start wondering whether she's just hooking up with you in order to do "research" which is tax-deductible, by the way.

 

c) It sounds like she is always the one flying to see you. Have you flown to see her in her locale? If it were me, I'd suggest that and see if she "goes all weird on you" again. If so, my "suspicion meter" would click up a few notches and I'd probably back off. Too many "secrets" and "protected" behavior in my book.

 

But as I say, for the time being I'd let the pen name issue slide, but wouldn't erase it from my memory bank. It may be an isolated incident, but then again, it could be one of several red flags of pattern of which won't be apparent until over time.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

You are correct. They are NOT of the "G" rated variety. But, that's not a surprise to me. She likes sex. It's not a secret! She says the target is middle aged sexually frustrated women.

 

I have flown to see her but never at her place. As I said in my original post, her son and my daughter do not know about "us". My daughter is only with me half of the time so that makes it possible for her to come to my place without my daughter being there. Her son lives with her, except for Summer - so, until he knows about me it wouldn't be right to go to her place. But, I know where it is and could drive by without notice anytime I wanted to. I'm not "officially" divorced for another month or so, which is why we have kept it quiet. I've been separated for 10 months though and my wife is the one who left. So, my LDR is not the reason for my divorce. I think she is afraid of being accused of being the reason.

 

Anyway, I can let the pen name thing slide. It just made me curious to see what others though.

[preraph]

Writing that type stuff is really personal -- and some of it isn't personal at all and is just made up, two good reasons not to let a lover dissect it at length. A LOT of guys would not handle it well! They'd be paranoid: "Well, I know that wasn't me, so who was it?????" And it's always going to be a blend of truth and fiction just like songwriting usually is. I've had guys tell me a song is about me "sort of" or part of it is about me and part is another woman. And part is just what it takes to make it rhyme. To read this would be to see inside her fantasies. It's embarrassing.

 

You know, I have a journal I want to publish, but still knowing a couple of exes keeps me from it. I've talked to one of them about it years ago and a certain episode, and his version of reality was totally different than mine. That's another reason why it's hard to let someone read it. We even talked about writing our story together just to show how totally different each version would be.

 

Don't worry about it. If you ever marry her, she might let you read some. But you've got to understand about writing fiction and poetic license first or it will just make you crazy.

[unexpected]

Writing that type stuff is really personal -- and some of it isn't personal at all and is just made up, two good reasons not to let a lover dissect it at length. A LOT of guys would not handle it well! They'd be paranoid: "Well, I know that wasn't me, so who was it?????" And it's always going to be a blend of truth and fiction just like songwriting usually is. I've had guys tell me a song is about me "sort of" or part of it is about me and part is another woman. And part is just what it takes to make it rhyme. To read this would be to see inside her fantasies. It's embarrassing.

 

You know, I have a journal I want to publish, but still knowing a couple of exes keeps me from it. I've talked to one of them about it years ago and a certain episode, and his version of reality was totally different than mine. That's another reason why it's hard to let someone read it. We even talked about writing our story together just to show how totally different each version would be.

 

Don't worry about it. If you ever marry her, she might let you read some. But you've got to understand about writing fiction and poetic license first or it will just make you crazy.

 

Thank you. That was a very sensible and easy to digest answer! I've had a week or so to think about it and I've even talked a bit to her about her reasons for not sharing. I'm comfortable with all of the information I've received. I'll drop it.

 

Besides, I'm a very eligible 'bachelor'. I need to stop getting all hung up on what the future holds with ONE woman. I love her very much but if things don't work out (LDR's are hard!) I'm sure someone else will want me.