After all these years, what happened to our flame?

[Del]

I've been married for 16 years to a wonderful woman and a great mother of our two boys (6&9).

 

She came from a family that was very cold emotionally (never hugged or talked about their feelings, etc). One reason we hit it off so well is that I am a much more open to sharing my feelings and emotions, and also listening to others. I have always been sensitive to peoples feeling and love a big hugs from the ones I love.

 

Over the years (especially) when our kids were infants, our relationship took the back seat, no time together, little talking about our feelings, less sex (once every 2 weeks) and few hugs and kisses. We used to talk about it and would try to get more time together, but would fall into the background almost right away. I would hug her and give here kisses when I come home or go out, and she doesn't seem to care or respond much. She would often tell me she loved me, but had little energy for intimacy. I totally understood, as our lives were crazy with two infants.

 

4-5 years later, we both have more time, but have even less time together, she would rather read (reads 2 books a week) or go out with GFs to play cards. Now, if we were going to have sex, I would almost always have to start it, and maybe one time out of 10, she is into it. We are intimate every 3 weeks or so (roll over sex most of the time, do it asap and get back to what she would rather be doing). She really doesn't have the need any more and mine has never changed. I have become really depressed over the past few years as I feel more like a leech (sp?) and that makes me feel sad. Sex is really not the main issue, it's the fact that all I seem to mean to her is my pay cheque and taking care of my duties around the house (just a hug or a back massage would be good). I feel I've talked about it until I'm blue in the face. She says she loves me very much, but all I seem to do is work, work, work and sleep.

 

Where has our spark gone?

[pedens001]

Do you have any vacation days built up with your job?..what about your wife? or does she not work..Can you find someone who can watch your kids for a few days or send them to a summer camp..Cuz what I think is you need to go on a small trip somewhere quiet and out of the way where its just you and her and see if you cannot re connect..I would suggest goin to the beach or some type of resort or whatnot just something where its you and her and nothing else and talk to her and see if this won't help some for you....

 

Hope this helps some...

[chaos70]

Two words...date night.

Get a baby sitter, and you two paint the town red. If she is still in the same pattern, then you two need to discuss it out. But try the date night first.

[wanting to heal]

I identify with your problem, and you must fix it or you will be miserable. Counseling is not just saving our marriage, it is making it grow. Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". Read it and discuss it with her. If she will not do this, then she is denying the problem.

 

Also get the book "The 5 Love Languages". Again, you should both read it and discuss it.

 

Mostly, get a good counselor.

 

I have a great need for touch and my wife is just learning that. We learned that from the counselor. My wife needs me to give her time alone and for me to be more direct. Get an advisor that starts at your childhoods and be prepared to learn more about yourselves than you ever expected.

 

If one person says they are happy (your wife) but one is not (you), then the marriage is just a shell game. There is more to be had, for both of you.

 

There is hope, but it has to be a mutual effort.