How to Start The Marriage Discussion

[Miss Peach]

BF told me the other day he's ready to talk about marriage and 'building a life together' when I'm ready. He's mentioned it twice now (but not necessarily in the best time to have the discussions). Based on BF's dating history of several LT relationships that didn't turn into marriage, part of me was a bit surprised he brought it up so soon based on his dating history. But our relationship has been so smooth part of me isn't surprised by it.

 

I have no issues talking about it as I can see him as a potential husband but it's such a large subject in my mind that I'm struggling with what to bring up first. How have others here on LS approached this topic?

[d0nnivain]

Ask him Qs about his parent's marriage and other marriages he's seen up close & personal. What did he see that worked? what would he prefer to avoid & why?

[Miss Peach]

We've talked about our marriages and our parents marriages. My marriage wasn't very healthy so I'm definitely not looking into that as a model.

 

Since it's such a broad topic I'm struggling with that to start with. I've thought about starting with the 3 things that I feel I need to feel confident about - compatibility, finances, and willingness to work on things. Maybe future plans? He know some of mine (and I would have to modify them but they would still be doable). I don't have much on his.

 

Would this be a good place to start?

[BlueIris]

I'd say be open-ended, talk about how you each feel about marriage in general, what kind of things you expect or hope for in a marriage. I'd view it as a conversation to learn more about each other.

[jen1447]

How long have you been together Peaches?

[Miss Peach]

How long have you been together Peaches?

 

It will be a year in a few weeks.

[jen1447]

It will be a year in a few weeks.

 

Ok, comfy.

 

I've never really approached it other than to say "no," but I'm sure you'll get some good input from others.

[AlexDream]

BF told me the other day he's ready to talk about marriage and 'building a life together' when I'm ready. He's mentioned it twice now (but not necessarily in the best time to have the discussions). Based on BF's dating history of several LT relationships that didn't turn into marriage, part of me was a bit surprised he brought it up so soon based on his dating history. But our relationship has been so smooth part of me isn't surprised by it.

 

I have no issues talking about it as I can see him as a potential husband but it's such a large subject in my mind that I'm struggling with what to bring up first. How have others here on LS approached this topic?

 

First of all, how old are you and your partner?

 

From my point of view, you're not ready for marriage whilst you have any doubts.

 

I believe you're pretty young so it's not the right time to think of marriage. Keep going out with your partner and see what's gonna happen. A wedding ring doesn't change anything so you can wait a bit.

[Miss Peach]

First of all, how old are you and your partner?

 

From my point of view, you're not ready for marriage whilst you have any doubts.

 

I believe you're pretty young so it's not the right time to think of marriage. Keep going out with your partner and see what's gonna happen. A wedding ring doesn't change anything so you can wait a bit.

 

I'm early 30s and he's early 40s. Not either of our first marriages so I know it doesn't fix anything. My first marriage was pretty toxic so I don't want to use that as the right thing to do.

 

Not saying we are getting married tomorrow but it does feel like it's the right time to begin putting it on the table more seriously and discuss different areas to make sure it's a match.

 

Since it's such a broad topic I'm struggling with the first things to bring up for discussion. Does that make sense?

[AlexDream]

I'm early 30s and he's early 40s. Not either of our first marriages so I know it doesn't fix anything. My first marriage was pretty toxic so I don't want to use that as the right thing to do.

 

Not saying we are getting married tomorrow but it does feel like it's the right time to begin putting it on the table more seriously and discuss different areas to make sure it's a match.

 

Since it's such a broad topic I'm struggling with the first things to bring up for discussion. Does that make sense?

 

Well, considering your age, you don't need to hurry up. 1 year is too short term to think of marriage seriously. It's ok if you're a young boy with enormous level of testosterone in your body but as for a man in his 40s... Think twice (thrice is better ).

 

If I were you I'd enjoy this feeling inside me and wouldn't rush things.

[Mr. Lucky]

If I were you I'd enjoy this feeling inside me and wouldn't rush things.

 

Have to agree. Unless you're on the clock (thinking about kids?), lots of value in giving it a few years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Peach]

I guess I must be giving off the wrong impression. We're not talking about running off to Vegas soon. There is no engagement. Even if we married it wouldn't be for some time.

 

Right now we acknowledge it as a possibility and something we both could see in our future. I want to start some more serious discussions to make sure it's right for us and what it might look like.

 

Most of the online articles I see suggest asking things we covered pretty well early in dating. I want to start having some more detailed talks. With it being such a broad topic I'm wondering where people started with this? Future dreams? Finances?

[BettyDraper]

I'm early 30s and he's early 40s. Not either of our first marriages so I know it doesn't fix anything. My first marriage was pretty toxic so I don't want to use that as the right thing to do.

 

Not saying we are getting married tomorrow but it does feel like it's the right time to begin putting it on the table more seriously and discuss different areas to make sure it's a match.

 

Since it's such a broad topic I'm struggling with the first things to bring up for discussion. Does that make sense?

 

Start with what went wrong in your first marriages and how you plan on avoiding those mistakes again. Talk about what you are expecting from marriage and your goals. Make sure that your goals and viewpoints on serious issues such as children and money are in harmony with each other.

 

If he proposes to you, I would recommend premarital counseling. Best of luck! Let us know how the discussions pan out.

[devilish innocent]

It sounds like you have been talking about marriage. You just haven't been registering it because those conversations hadn't been planned. I think most of these pre-marriage conversations just arise naturally once both people have marriage on their mind. I probably went through one or more of those articles you mentioned when he was around and brought up anything we'd missed, but that's as close as we came to a "formal" discussion. Nearly all of the important stuff just popped up as a result of thinking about our future and being open with each other.

[MissBee]

We've talked about our marriages and our parents marriages. My marriage wasn't very healthy so I'm definitely not looking into that as a model.

 

Since it's such a broad topic I'm struggling with that to start with. I've thought about starting with the 3 things that I feel I need to feel confident about - compatibility, finances, and willingness to work on things. Maybe future plans? He know some of mine (and I would have to modify them but they would still be doable). I don't have much on his.

 

Would this be a good place to start?

 

Do you want to be married to him/married at all?

 

That's the main issue to me anyway.

 

How long have you been together?

 

For me, because I want to get married, I approach every boyfriend as a potential husband and basically everything is sort of viewed in that light from date 1 on. So it's not a "big topic" in the sense that it's this random thing we just talk about one day out of the blue...but because for me it's a likely end goal, from day one I sort of assess it, and won't be serious about a guy if I don't see the potential. During the relationship I'm paying attention to everything and whether or not I can deal with this longterm or not etc. So in discussing marriage it would first be, yes I'd want to marry him based on ABCDEFG.... reasons I've witnessed during our time together and now we can discuss some logistics about our worldviews, finances, lifestyles, etc. There are also books that couples can work through together in preparation for marriage which are like some workbooks with like 100 Questions to Ask before you tie the knot and things like that.

[AlexDream]

If you wanna break your relationship - start to discuss it.

 

You should be more romantic, I guess, just bide your time an let things rip. IMO, it's too soon for discussion such a thing. You're only in your 30's, your ship hasn't sailed yet!

 

If I were him, I'd lose courage because of such a topic.

[Miss Peach]

Do you want to be married to him/married at all?

 

That's the main issue to me anyway.

 

How long have you been together?

 

For me, because I want to get married, I approach every boyfriend as a potential husband and basically everything is sort of viewed in that light from date 1 on.

 

Been together 1 year. I think the same way. If I can't see him as a potential husband then there's not much reason to continue the relationship as I would rather be single. I enjoy being single. So things have to be pretty good for me to stay in a relationship this long. I would also want to know any disconnects or deal breakers sooner rather than later. I could picture marrying him and I would be ready to put it on the table and seriously discuss what it might look like for us but I wouldn't be ready to actually make that commitment until we've gone through detailed discussions and spent more time together. Not in any rush but I do feel we should know if he would want to within 2 years even if we don't actually do so until a year or two after that. I wouldn't be able to be with or live with someone for years and years.

 

Maybe it would help to add some more details...

 

BF keeps bringing up asking me if I can see us planning a life together and says he's ready to discuss it when I'm ready. He wants me to initiate the talk saying he doesn't want to pressure me. He tends to bring these things up at times we couldn't talk about them so it's not at a time when it would make sense to let it flow into a conversation.

 

BF also says he has a bunch of things he's thinking but doesn't think I'm ready to hear. He doesn't ever say much more than that but it usually comes up when he's in the 'can you picture building a life with me' type questions.

 

We've already had a number of discussions around children, our previous marriages, family, financials, religion, etc. At least at a high level everything has been compatible so far in terms of what we would want for our relationship even if we see things exactly the same way. We continue to have these conversations that flow naturally weekly.

Edited April 12, 2016 by Miss Peach

[AlexDream]

Ok then. My advice here is just remember him what he has already told you.

 

- Hon?

- Huh?

- Do you remember saying to me about our marriage?

- Yes (no, doesn't matter)

- Could you describe it in detailes how you imagine it, please?

 

After that just let him tell you what he can see and what's in his mind. If you need some detailes just deal with that asking 'What if' questions.

 

The main detail here is not to disturb him. Listen and try to remember what makes sense for you.

[MissBee]

Been together 1 year. I think the same way. If I can't see him as a potential husband then there's not much reason to continue the relationship as I would rather be single. I enjoy being single. So things have to be pretty good for me to stay in a relationship this long. I would also want to know any disconnects or deal breakers sooner rather than later. I could picture marrying him and I would be ready to put it on the table and seriously discuss what it might look like for us but I wouldn't be ready to actually make that commitment until we've gone through detailed discussions and spent more time together. Not in any rush but I do feel we should know if he would want to within 2 years even if we don't actually do so until a year or two after that. I wouldn't be able to be with or live with someone for years and years.

 

Maybe it would help to add some more details...

 

BF keeps bringing up asking me if I can see us planning a life together and says he's ready to discuss it when I'm ready. He wants me to initiate the talk saying he doesn't want to pressure me. He tends to bring these things up at times we couldn't talk about them so it's not at a time when it would make sense to let it flow into a conversation.

 

BF also says he has a bunch of things he's thinking but doesn't think I'm ready to hear. He doesn't ever say much more than that but it usually comes up when he's in the 'can you picture building a life with me' type questions.

 

We've already had a number of discussions around children, our previous marriages, family, financials, religion, etc. At least at a high level everything has been compatible so far in terms of what we would want for our relationship even if we see things exactly the same way. We continue to have these conversations that flow naturally weekly.

 

That sounds reasonable.

 

It sounds like everything is sorted no? If you have these conversations naturally each week?

[Miss Peach]

Reading between the lines, I suspect he wants a different type of discussion but isn't ready to take the risk himself but isn't giving me enough hints exactly what he's wanting me to bring up other than it's around marriage. I have some suspicions but I have no idea really what is going on so I've just been open and patient.

 

We've had some discussions in the past and he seems to view pushing the relationship to the next level as being my job and I view it as his. I feel it's a man's role to take risks. I sense part of this is to get me to do that but am not sure to what. I don't know about all his relationships but I know in his marriage she proposed.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Rxwoman]

I might be wrong, but you don't sound excited.

People know fairly quickly if someone is Mr. or Mrs. Right.

I'm not saying the first date. But it doesn't take years to feel it.

 

You don't sound like you are feeling it.

 

Am I wrong?

[Miss Peach]

I might be wrong, but you don't sound excited.

People know fairly quickly if someone is Mr. or Mrs. Right.

I'm not saying the first date. But it doesn't take years to feel it.

 

You don't sound like you are feeling it.

 

Am I wrong?

 

I've actually told him that this is the best relationship I've ever had. He asked me later if I was serious about that and I told him I was. I think we are very compatible and have what it would take to be/stay married.

 

I'm just very logical so I am able to separate my emotions and logic. I tend to post from logic a lot here on LS. Some people read that as me not caring or feeling it.

 

Just to update, last time he brought it up I have told him that's not a scary thought to me, that's not going to make me run away, and I'm ready to discuss it but I haven't said anything more. I also told him I can sense he's holding something back and that I can't imagine him saying anything that would be too much for me. I figure he'll bring it up at a time when it can actually be discussed if he's serious about it. I do plan to move locally soon and will sign a new lease so I will discuss it when that comes up because I feel I should get his opinion on my new living situation before I do it. But that's as much about the future I'll do right now unless he initiates it.

Edited May 6, 2016 by Miss Peach