4givrnt4gtr Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 Sigh... who knew this could get so complicated. So Ive been married for two years now and I adore my husband. He is incredibly supportive and I know for a fact I could not have gotten where I am at career wise if it wasnt for him. He has put his own career on hold so I can finish my degree. Now, granted at one point he did say he wanted to stay at home to raise the kids and make a career as a writer. Because of this I decided to join the military since it would help us financially and it would be a boost for my career. Anyway fast forward to three month into my new semi permanent base and my husband is going bonkers. We have no kids yet so he was just at home trying to figure out what to do. We are stationed far from home and definitely far from any opportunities for his career. After a while he gave up and found a part time job. He has been doing that ever since but he is dying to go back to where we are from to pick up his career. So now, its time for us to pick our next base. The choices are both amazing and terrifying. We have some overseas choices and two located close to where we come from. Now, Ive done some research and turns out the base my husband has set his heart to is terrible for me career wise. All my current supervisors are begging me not to go there and I know personally I will be miserable and the likelyhood of them hating me is pretty high given that we want to have a baby soon. We discussed this with my husband and though he is supportive as always I can tell he would be incredibly dissapointed if we dont go to that base. So here are my issues. If we go to that base we would still be about 4 hrs away from our hometown. In order to cut time we would have to live at least an hour away from base and that still puts him about three hours away on a good day. Given this he probably couldnt get a job anyway at least not a full time job. If we are an hour away I would have a two hour commute every day for sure. With a newborn this sounds like a nightmare. The base is currently undermanned. I would be one of two doing about three jobs. If i go and get pregnant and take maternity leave my future boss will hate me forever and I dont doubt would make my life miserable on my return. These are just a few of my concerns. Yet I feel incredibly selfish for not wanting to go. My husband has supported me thru thick and thin and all he is asking now is to choose a place where he has a fightig chance to find work in his field. I dont know what to do. On top of that other available bases seem wonderful from the type of work I would be doing to the support We would receive if we did have a baby. There is one that although not the location my husband prefers also offers possibilities for him to work in his field. Arghhh!!! What should I do?!! I dont want him to resent me and I dont want him to be unhappy!! yet Thinking about going to that base gives me so much anxiety My stomach hurts. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 There is one that although not the location my husband prefers also offers possibilities for him to work in his field. I would focus on this one, unless you can make it without your income. It seems silly to choose a base where only one of you has good opportunity, when there is a choice where you both will. It's temporary - he can deal with this until the next move. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 These are just a few of my concerns. Yet I feel incredibly selfish for not wanting to go. My husband has supported me thru thick and thin and all he is asking now is to choose a place where he has a fightig chance to find work in his field. I dont know what to do. My SIL/BIL made it through his 20+ year enlistment on a "he picks, then she picks" basis. And since you picked (or your choices dictated) your current station, would seem that it was his turn. When someone's been "incredibly supportive" "thru thick and thin", you have to make allowances for their needs also. The base is currently undermanned. I would be one of two doing about three jobs. If i go and get pregnant and take maternity leave my future boss will hate me forever and I dont doubt would make my life miserable on my return. Sorry but you don't get to make everyone happy. And choosing between between a spouse and future boss would be an easy choice for me... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 pte. I agree. That one base is really a compromise for both of us ( If I could have it my way we would go overseas). I just dont think he would be ok with the compromise having his heart set on the other base. Another thing is that I am separating after this upcoming tour so we are going to go back to our hometown for sure in a few years so yes, after this we go back. A big concern is that if we go to the base he wants I wont be able to get a specific license I need for when I separate so I can continue working in my career. Other bases would support me getting the license but this one wont (due to manning issues). I would have to seek help out of the base and pay extra to get what I need and even then its not sure I could get the license. I guess I could make it work but basically Im seeing a huge uphill battle for me when its not sure , and actually not even likely, that he will get a job there at all. I am forseeing that he will end up going to school instead (something he could do anywhere) and Ill be stuck in a really crappy situation for the forseeable future for no reason. Am i being unreasonable and selfish?? Should I just suck it up and support him despite what it might mean for me and my career? Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 He supported you in moving to your current location where he has no opportunities. He's probably expecting you to return the favor this time. At least give him a chance to advance his career. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 Am i being unreasonable and selfish?? Should I just suck it up and support him despite what it might mean for me and my career? Is the military your career or is it just what you are doing to pay for school? There's a difference. If it's just a way to avoid debt, it doesn't really matter what base you are on, does it? Avail yourself of the various counseling available to military personnel to help you make the choice. But the military will always be there. Your husband might not be. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted April 4, 2016 Share Posted April 4, 2016 I don't know that it would be acceptable to him, but the rational, practical thing as I see are... go where you can get your licensure, he goest to school while you're there and then you go back to your hometown with both of you having additional qualifications. That way no one is just sitting idle and both of you enhance earning potential. I'm sure there are many factors but I'd be thinking in terms of what sets you up best as a family when you return to your hometown in a few years. What is most advantageous for the family as a whole for the longer term? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 You guys are right. He sacrificed for me and put my needs first. The least I can do is support him the way he supported me. Thanks guys. I can always count on loveshack to smack some sense into me. Now pray for me I dont unravel in the madness of the new base 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 I don't know that it would be acceptable to him, but the rational, practical thing as I see are... go where you can get your licensure, he goest to school while you're there and then you go back to your hometown with both of you having additional qualifications. That way no one is just sitting idle and both of you enhance earning potential. I'm sure there are many factors but I'd be thinking in terms of what sets you up best as a family when you return to your hometown in a few years. What is most advantageous for the family as a whole for the longer term? Yes that is the plan if the powers that be dont give us the hometown base. Thats another thing... all this fuss and at the end of the day the military gets to decide where I go anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 Your husband wants to be a writer? How many hours a day does he write? What time in the morning does he start writing? At what times does he take his breaks? My friend is writing. She sets herself a target, number of words per day. Her sister has over 20 published novels. If he REALLY wants to do it...he has to do it! Yes, he's supported your career but the money you bring in gives him time to work on his dream career. Link to post Share on other sites
DreamP Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 Can you wait a few weeks before making a decision? Why don't you have your husband go to the area he wants to move to now and look for a job. If he finds one he likes, then you move there. If he can't find anything, then it's an indication he probably won't and maybe it will sour him of the idea of moving there. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 Why does he need to be in a specific location to fulfill his dream of being a writer? Sorry, I know this isn't much help but I'm a bit confused. Can't he write from wherever you are? Granted it might not be as lucrative, but is money an issue? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 To update and answer questions. He wanted to be a writer and has written a few movie and tv show scripts. This was his goal which fit perfectly for military life because he can write anywhere. However his actual career is in movie production. After this year he realized he didnt want to lose his original career which unfortunately is only really active in LA and NY. I cant/ couldnt take weeks to make this decision. I am in the military and had less than a week to put in my choices. To update. My superiors pretty much made up our minds for us. They told me and everyone in my job description to rate the hometown base low and that they would be trying to remove it from the list as it is not an appropriate assignement for our level of training and experience. I felt validated that It wasnt just me being lazy and that what they were asking of us was waaaay over our heads. Also the night i posted the message my husband came home saying he didnt want me to put it as first choice because he saw how distressed I was. Instead he requested another base with same distance to hometown as the bad base. so yes... luckily that was solved and now we sit and wait to see if anyone of it was worth the stress Link to post Share on other sites
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