H expects me to do his family celebrations but...

[OneLife2Live]

he hardly ever goes to anything my extended family has.

 

This weekend is his cousin's 25th wedding anniversary celebration and says we need to go. We were invited via FB..

 

I don't mind going, it's not that, but I just notice every time my extended family has a celebration we are invited to, he never goes and always makes up an excuse not to go. So, I end up going without him. I honestly can't remember when the last time he went with me to my extended family celebration. I think it was my cousin's wedding and that was like 10 years ago. I'm sure there has been one or two here and there but nothing compared to what I have gone to his.

 

I'm so use to it by now but damn, this is getting old. He would have a bitch fit if I said I wasn't going to any of his family celebrations and his mom would even get upset with me and she lives thousands of miles away and can't always attend. But, if I don't go, sh@t will hit the fan! And I can't use any excuse, unless I am sick, that is probably about it.

 

Believe me, I have voiced my frustrations out to him about it but he always has an excuse why he can't go. He has this to do,he has to do that.

 

I'm tired of always having to go by myself to these things without my H but he expects me to go to every little thing his family has.

 

If your spouse always refused to go to your family celebrations but always expects you to go to his, WWYD or say?

[Mr. Lucky]

Why not exercise the same option he does and only attend the functions you're "available" for?

 

Mr. Lucky

[anna121]

 

If your spouse always refused to go to your family celebrations but always expects you to go to his, WWYD or say?

 

I wouldn't bug him to go to my family stuff. With respect to his, I'd go to the ones I feel like going to and avoid the rest.

 

He's my husband, not my father. If he doesn't like it he can go take a flying leap.

 

Stand up for yourself. Please.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

This is one thing I don't deal with. I married my wife, not her family. I personally don't care for her mom one bit. If she comes over, I leave the house until she is gone. She can either live with the fact that I loath her mom, or she can't as far as I'm concerned. I really don't give a flip if it bothers her either and told my wife as such. I know she doesn't like some of my family members either, I personally don't care what she thinks of them. They are my family, I'll deal with them. You deal with yours. End of story imo.

 

If it bugs you so much just stop going to their events. I make it clear, I'm not trying to say it's either them or me. I'm saying it's you guys over there and it's us over here. Why is there any need to all be one happy family together? That's just nonsense. If it works for some couples, great. Doesn't work for me and I see no reason at all why it should be forced on your spouse. That's just stupid. Not like her family has MY best interests in mind always. Why would they? I'm not their son. Just like I don't give a damn about their best interests. It's them over there and it's us over here. We are our own family now, everyone else just became extended family or inlaws. My family comes above every other family as far as I'm concerned, including my own mom, dad, brothers, sisters. They took a back seat to my wife. If my wife wants nothing to do with them, so be it. She comes before them anyway.

 

I wouldn't marry anyone who puts their family before me. Again I make it clear and don't put her in a situation where my wife is forced to choose one or the other, that would be wrong of me. Instead make it clear that our family is ours. Your family is yours. My family is mine. There is no need for one big happy family. That would be unrealistic to me. You do your family, I'll do my family, we'll both do each other's when need be, but only when need be. The end!

 

Just don't go anymore, who cares? Not like they are just dying to see their DiL. Bet they wouldn't even miss you if you weren't there!

[OneLife2Live]

This is one thing I don't deal with. I married my wife, not her family. I personally don't care for her mom one bit. If she comes over, I leave the house until she is gone. She can either live with the fact that I loath her mom, or she can't as far as I'm concerned. I really don't give a flip if it bothers her either and told my wife as such. I know she doesn't like some of my family members either, I personally don't care what she thinks of them. They are my family, I'll deal with them. You deal with yours. End of story imo.

 

If it bugs you so much just stop going to their events. I make it clear, I'm not trying to say it's either them or me. I'm saying it's you guys over there and it's us over here. Why is there any need to all be one happy family together? That's just nonsense. If it works for some couples, great. Doesn't work for me and I see no reason at all why it should be forced on your spouse. That's just stupid. Not like her family has MY best interests in mind always. Why would they? I'm not their son. Just like I don't give a damn about their best interests. It's them over there and it's us over here. We are our own family now, everyone else just became extended family or inlaws. My family comes above every other family as far as I'm concerned, including my own mom, dad, brothers, sisters. They took a back seat to my wife. If my wife wants nothing to do with them, so be it. She comes before them anyway.

 

I wouldn't marry anyone who puts their family before me. Again I make it clear and don't put her in a situation where my wife is forced to choose one or the other, that would be wrong of me. Instead make it clear that our family is ours. Your family is yours. My family is mine. There is no need for one big happy family. That would be unrealistic to me. You do your family, I'll do my family, we'll both do each other's when need be, but only when need be. The end!

 

Just don't go anymore, who cares? Not like they are just dying to see their DiL. Bet they wouldn't even miss you if you weren't there!

Well said! I agree, when you marry, you put your spouse before other family. I guess I am stuck in the way I was raised, somewhat. My dad would always go to my mom's family events, and my mom would always go to his family events together. If one couldn't/didn't want to go, they simply didn't go. But, that was rare. If I want to go to a family event and my H doesn't want to, I don't force him. So, why should I be forced to go to everyone of his damn family events? Because if I don't, he will get pissed, and so will his mom. My mil will either snub me and/or act all pissed I didn't go, and then I have a H is being a big baby about it. So, to avoid that, I go. Oh and believe me, they will ask where I am at. Why? Because I go to every damn celebrations my H wants to go to.

Should I really give a sh@t if my mil is pissed? Nope! Let her be pissed. She will get over it. But, then what about my H? I don't live with my mil and have to deal with her being pissed I didn't go, it's him I have to deal with having a stupid bitch fit about it.

I swear, my H can't do anything without me going along. Is it because he doesn't want to go alone, or is it because he enjoys my company? Hell, I don't know, but I am leaning towards he doesn't want to go to these things by himself. Or it could be he doesn't want to hear from him mom "Why didn't M go? She should have went with you."

 

Why not exercise the same option he does and only attend the functions you're "available" for?

 

Mr. Lucky

Thanks, I am going to try it with this one. I am just going to flat out tell him that I just have too much to do around the house and I can't go but tell them hi and Happy Anniversary. Let's see how that flies? HA! I will let you know. I can tell you now, he will get pissed. If he doesn't, I will be shocked.

 

I wouldn't bug him to go to my family stuff. With respect to his, I'd go to the ones I feel like going to and avoid the rest.

 

He's my husband, not my father. If he doesn't like it he can go take a flying leap.

 

Stand up for yourself. Please.

Thanks! Oh, I don't bug him at all. I pretty much tell him I will be gone such and such a day as I am going to a family celebration and ask him if he wants to go. It's usually no, so I drop it and just go. But, when the tables are turned and it's his family celebration it's not "So and so is having this or that, would you like to go with me?" It is more like "So and so is having this or that, and we are going to go." He doesn't even ask if I want to go or not.

I'm sure his cousin will be upset I didn't go, but she will get over it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am just going to flat out tell him that I just have too much to do around the house and I can't go but tell them hi and Happy Anniversary. Let's see how that flies? HA! I will let you know. I can tell you now, he will get pissed. If he doesn't, I will be shocked.

 

Sometimes the price of standing up for yourself can indeed be your partner's displeasure. So be it.

 

It's a lot better in the long run than the resentment that builds when you allow yourself to be manipulated...

 

Mr. Lucky

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Sometimes the price of standing up for yourself can indeed be your partner's displeasure. So be it.

 

It's a lot better in the long run than the resentment that builds when you allow yourself to be manipulated...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes! Reread this if you get cold feet. You really think you can spend a lifetime with someone and not upset them? Indeed, that can be the price paid for standing up for yourself. Resentment is far worse on a marriage then an argument.

[OneLife2Live]

Sometimes the price of standing up for yourself can indeed be your partner's displeasure. So be it.

 

It's a lot better in the long run than the resentment that builds when you allow yourself to be manipulated...

 

Mr. Lucky

That is true. And, I did tell him that I'm not going as I really need to get housework caught up. He said "What? But it's their 25th Anniversary, we should go. If it was a birthday party I wouldn't even go." I asked him how many times and I went to my families anniversaries and he didn't go. He said he had to work. Ummmmm, yea whatever. I highly doubt he had to work as he was working at a different job back then and he didn't work Saturdays and Sundays but I didn't tell him that. I didn't want to start a stupid fight. If he wants to go so bad, he can go. I have things to do. Maybe if he would help me gets things done I would have time to go, but that's a different topic.

Yes! Reread this if you get cold feet. You really think you can spend a lifetime with someone and not upset them? Indeed, that can be the price paid for standing up for yourself. Resentment is far worse on a marriage then an argument.

Oh believe me, I have upset him plenty because I stick up for myself on different things. Let him get pissed. Now, just how to deal with his mom when she text or calls asking why I didn't go when she finds out. I certaintly won't tell her I didn't go, but I am sure he will.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Now, just how to deal with his mom when she text or calls asking why I didn't go when she finds out. I certaintly won't tell her I didn't go, but I am sure he will.

 

Well that one is even easier. "I was busy with other things, couldn't make it" done. If she keeps on about it, politely point out that you don't have to explain yourself to her. She is not YOUR mother. Why are you scared of this woman, even in the slightest?

[sandylee1]

I can imagine it causing WW3 in my house if I outright refused to go to a significant extended family event of his..... but if my H never came to any of mine. ... then I'm likely to feign illness.

 

As it happens he's very happy to go to things my family does, as he always has a great time.

 

I remember when my BIL was getting engaged, but my cousin was getting married on the same day. .. he wanted us to go to the engagement .... I said he can go to his brother's engagement party, but I was going to the wedding - we both have our own cars so no problem.

 

I personally feel extended family is very important and think one should make an effort with the inlaws, but that's my upbringing and cultural values. If my H didn't get on with my family or they didn't like him (and vice versa), then we wouldn't have got married.

[heartwhole]

We had a similar dynamic where I would go out of my way to accommodate traveling long distances to see his family or hosting his mom for weeks at a time, but he would always say he was too busy with work if I wanted to plan a trip with my family. So I just got in the habit of always proposing the shortest number of days possible for my stuff and always feeling rushed and resentful.

 

Then he had an affair and now we're working on our stuff and changing our old dynamic. Now I realize that I was part of the problem -- I accepted that it was OK for him not to do stuff with my family while flaying myself to do stuff with his. The first issue is getting past the negativity and resentment that is part of the vicious cycle. Then, you can work on evening out how you approach this stuff -- ideally he would try a little harder to do some stuff with your family, and he'd back you up in doing a little less with his. Meet in the middle.