How did my life become just a huge damn disappointment?

[Ems4life]

I never predicted my life to end up this way.

 

Growing up, I was very innocent and cautious. I never did drugs, I never partied, and I never had sex. In high school, I remained focused on my future career and involved myself in explorer programs and scouting.

 

Approximately right before I graduated high school, I began to realize how sheltered I was. I began to really compare my life to others, and ironically I started to change my mindset and wished I took risks and had mischievous stories to look back and laugh on.

 

Then at age 20, I smoked weed for the first time. And then I was on a mission to lose my virginity to another virgin. Which I spent many painful years looking for an attractive virgin to have sex with. I finally found one and lost my virginity.

 

Then I realized I wasted all these years trying to find a virgin when I realized that being a girls first love is more important. Then I started to worry more and took stupid risks trying to chase after this girl who had never had a boyfriend and she finally got me arrested.

 

Then, I was hospitalized numerous times for mental health issues. And then, I started acting out at my university and got suspended.

 

I went from being sharp and well rounded to being an absolute failure at life.

 

I realized I looked at the world in rose colored glasses and faced harsh reality when I realized I was sheltered and when I realized everything wasn't as they seemed and that I missed out on a lot of things in life because I occupied my time in stupid ****.

 

I am now 21, almost 22 in 5 months. I never had a girlfriend. I got kicked out of college so now I live at home with my mom. I work part time in a not-so-respected healthcare job making $8.87 an hour without getting that much overtime lately. I am sitting here trying to figure out how I can pick up again without becoming yet another disappointment.

 

I have racked so much debt in hospital bills and paying for lawyers I don't know how to get myself out of it.

 

Oh, and I am one of the last two people in my group of friends who have never had a significant other/bf/gf at my age. The other one is eccentric as hell.

 

One of my good buddies used to be like me and had poor luck with women. Now, he is in his second serious relationship and is about to get engaged this year. He is 20.

[bathtub-row]

It does sound like you've dug quite a hole for yourself but it's time to dust yourself off and get back on your feet again. Yes you screwed up but it's not completely unfixable, and you've got years of life ahead of you to fix it all and thrive. As far as the lawyer and hospital bills are concerned, if you can't pay them, then you can't pay them. Do what you can in that sense, and try to get yourself back into a college or trade school.

 

And, btw, one of the worst things you can do is compare yourself to others. What may appear like a good time from your perspective, probably isn't all it's cracked up to be. Appearances are often deceiving so don't even bother with comparisons. Follow your instincts and make the life you want for yourself. Someday you'll have stories to tell your kids and you'll understand how bad choices can land you in a world of trouble. Don't let yourself get sucked into what the world calls normal or what it thinks you should be doing.

 

What kind of degree were you getting when you were in college?

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well first of all your life hasn't 'ended up' anywhere; since you are so young, this can be just a very bad patch in an overall big picture. That's up to you though.

 

I know you've been on here before and you seem to get into obsessions. I'm not sure if you are mentally unable to see that you're actively feeding them, or if you are pretty stubborn and just REFUSE to change your ways.

 

You have some patterns that WILL ruin your life if you keep doing them.

 

Like the other poster said, you should not even be concerned about what other people are doing, especially when it comes to relationships. Regardless of how old you are, you are not emotionally prepared to be in any type of a relationship with a woman right now.

 

Are there any steps you can take to amend your standing with your university? I think that would be a good starting place. If you can't, you probably can start in a community college near you and get your GE done there, and then transfer to a different uni later.

 

You need to be focussing on how to be able to live your life successfully. Since you have some psychological issues, being in some kind of ongoing therapy would be crucial for you.

 

Good luck. I hope you will take this opportunity to learn from your mistakes and bad choices and to become accountable for all your actions and behavior.