Dating when you're on the other side of 40

[TooLegitToQuit]

Wrong thread sorry OP!

Edited April 7, 2016 by TooLegitToQuit

[TooLegitToQuit]

I assume you're not looking to get remarried tomorrow. If there is mutual chemistry between you and this girl then you are doing nothing wrong by exploring it. She's a consenting adult too, redbarron.

Edited April 7, 2016 by TooLegitToQuit

[Curiousroxy86]

This is also a good suggestion. The only limitation is that at present, I have my six-year-old only on alternate weekends since he lives an hour away with his mother. When he is with me, I take him to SF to expose him to different experiences like street festivals, parades. He is a bit introverted and would rather play with his Legos or iPad so I gently try to get him out of his shell and get him outdoors. I will check out local indoor arcades but the weather here was 80 degrees today, so people are generally out more already. :-)

 

I think for the 30-40 demographic, the women are, like us men, busy with their jobs. The single moms, in addition to their jobs, have kids to take care of, so probably have even less time than I do. So maybe they mingle within their social circles.

 

Your so lucky you get to get out and socialize. As a divorced single mom myself I don't have that luxury.

[Weathersf1]

Your so lucky you get to get out and socialize. As a divorced single mom myself I don't have that luxury.

 

Me neither. I'm a full-time single dad and I can barely ever go anywhere. Lucky you.

[redbaron007]

Your so lucky you get to get out and socialize. As a divorced single mom myself I don't have that luxury.

 

Yes, that is what I mentioned in my post. I would assume you would rely on your friends to introduce you to prospective partners or rely on OLD. And I bet you stick to your race when for OLD...why wouldn't you? If I were a woman, I guess I would do the same, which is why I never hear back from single women 35+, not one. With all the risks inherent in OLD, a different race is an unnecessary additional complication that most women would avoid..

 

Also, like yourself, many readers here may get the wrong impression that I'm "lucky" to go out and socialize. The truth is anything but...the pain of being away from my six-year old son is unbearable at times. Skype and alternate weekends are not a substitute for a dad who comes home every night. I had to file for divorce because my ex-wife crossed multiple red lines (broke vows so to speak), something not relevant to this thread or topic (I'll post it elsewhere sometime). It took me months of reading (and re-reading) books like The New Mood Therapy and Man's Search for Meaning to achieve emotional happiness again. Coming back to an empty apartment after 12 years of marriage including 5 years of watching my son being born to being in kindergarten was initially very, very painful for me. I crammed my schedule with German language courses, gym classes, dance classes, writing a short-story, designing an iPad game, and watching some excellent Netflix shows. Now I'm at peace with myself, but definitely don't consider myself "lucky", though I end up often in comic situations in my quest for a girlfriend (see next post), so atleast I can laugh at myself.

[redbaron007]

Just posting an update to continue chronicling my search...

 

23-year old German music student: I had invited her for ice-cream at Ghirardelli's last weekend and she texted me that she was not doing well since she twisted her ankle badly, had an upcoming exam, and she had an appointment that would take all of Saturday. I assumed she was not interested in going out again. Then yesterday, she texted me that her professor would perform at a concert this Saturday and she had chosen a good seat if I would like to attend, BUT she would be selling CDs at the time so won't attend, AND would not be free after the concert. I texted her saying: Pick a concert where I can sit next to you and hangout with you after, and I'll come (with a smiley). She responded saying it was too bad I could not attend, followed by:"It's just an invite of course!" which probably means she was a bit offended by my response. So today I texted her saying I did not mean to be rude, but simply that I would enjoy the concert infinitely more if she would accompany me and we could talk about it afterwards...I think it's fair to say the Indo-German love story is over before it begun.

 

Tall lovely girl at Bachata who mesmerized me last time: She seemed absolutely exhausted and when my turn came to dance with her and I asked her how she was doing, she said:I'm really tired today. I just work and dance! So I decided not to add to her misery and ask her out..

 

The 28-30 year old single girl at Bachata: again, a no-show. She told me she likes West Coast Swing on Friday nights better, so I may pop in there and ask her out if I see her.

 

And then, a funny thing happened at one of the Starbucks today that I will write a separate post on...

[redbaron007]

Before I relate what happened today, a bit of background context: I work remotely thrice a week, so hang out at a couple of Starbucks stores on those days. Because I frequent these stores so much, and my next-door neighbor is a store manager at one of the stores (same "district"), my relationship with the baristas (male and female) is a bit more friendly and a bit more personal. One particular Starbucks that I go to has a barista that is extraordinarily beautiful...she is tall, great figure, long-legged, waist-length hair, flawless complexion...you get it (the guys do!) ...I'll just call her ModelBarista.

 

Now Starbucks is a profitable company, which means all their stores are busy and the staff has no time to socialize, let alone have a romantic conversation with any customer, least of all an average-Joe like me with two laptops.

 

About three weeks ago: When I arrived, the store was closed due to a roof leak, and I ended up chatting with ModelBarista and another male barista on the patio. I mentioned I was a nerd (being a software engineer), and she said: "Nerds are my kind of guys." I complimented her on her sense of fashion. She then told us (me and the guy-barista) that she is currently studying fashion design at the local community college, hoping to transfer to some prestigious SF school soon. I made more small-talk with her and the friendly guy-barista, then left.

 

Last week: While she was on her break, I asked her who her favorite fashion designer was. She said she did not have any, but admired her mom, who she said was a "classic beauty". I made some more small-talk but I felt that she was not very comfortable in the conversation. I thought this could be because of any different reasons: maybe she just does not "feel it", she is stressed out due to her shift, her manager is around, people are around, maybe she thinks I'm being a little too forward, etc.etc. so I ended our small-talk, said a cheery "Good seeing you.." and left.

 

Today: ModelBarista was at the till. When I asked how her day is going, she replied: "Depressing." When I asked why, she said, "Only two people have even said thank-you to us for their drink." I paid and said: "Thank you very much <ModelBarista>! And by the way, I would have said thanks anyway!". She responded saying "Yes I know you always do!". Then I went to the pick-up side, and chatted with the other girl about her recent vacation, took my drink and went to my table and started working. Now this other girl is a new employee (let's call her NewGirl), and when she first started a few weeks ago, she obviously did not know my name and asked me for "the name for the drink". I had quipped: The name's Bond, James Bond" and the baristas had laughed..just some light humor, that's all! So today, after a while, I took a restroom break and was returning to my seat when this NewGirl said to me: Hey <redbaron>, did you see the name on your cup?" I saw "James Bond" scrawled on my cup. I smiled and asked: "Who wrote this?" NewGirl said: "I did." I laughed and said: "I like you", and did a "fist-bump" with her....

 

Next, something strange happened. ModelBarista blurted out: "Hey, I like you..." (note emphasis on I)...I did not know what to say. Note, customers are milling around, the Spotify track is playing, middle of the day busy store situation...So I made my way between the other patrons to ModelBarista and gave her a "fist-bump" as well, and came back to my seat...

 

So let's talk about the signals that I interpreted:

 

About three weeks ago:

ModelBarista: "Nerds are my kind of guys".

What I interpret: ModelBarista like nerds, and since I am a nerd, ModelBarista kind of fancies me. This is unreal!!

 

Last week:

ModelBarista: not making strong eye-contact, keeping her answers minimal, not asking questions back.

What I interpret: ModelBarista is being polite to me out of basic courtesy and as a loyal Starbucks employee. So the previous talk about her liking nerds should not be misconstrued in anyway... ModelBarista definitely does NOT fancy me so I need to stop day-dreaming and let it go

 

Today:

ModelBarista: "I like you!"

What I interpret: "Shucks! ModelBarista totally fancies me and I should totally ask her out next time!"

 

Hmm...it's about time I rejoined yoga class and get back into Pranayama again.

Edited April 15, 2016 by redbaron007

[redbaron007]

Update on the 23 yo German music student: Surprisingly, she texted me back suggesting 3 dates when she herself would be performing and that she would be able to hangout with me after her performance. And that ice-cream at Ghirardelli's would be great....so after all the story did not end there!

[Weathersf1]

You got game bro.

[redbaron007]

23 yo German student: A funny thing happened. I texted her Saturday asking if she was free to have ice-cream at Ghirardellis. She texted saying she had to study for exams. I understood she was not interested, so cheerily texted her "Good luck with those exams!" Then I went to the Earth Day fest in SF and happened to spot her there with a different dude. I did not feel negative, or hurt, or let down, or even a bit depressed. I actually saw her when I was dancing bachata on the street with a pretty Armenian student who happened to be standing next to me watching a Latin band play. If I had not been dancing, I would have cheekily gone and said hello! So here officially ends the German love-story before it began.

 

ModelBarista: So yesterday ModelBarista was on duty at Starbucks. I made some small-talk, then said:"I'll catch you on your break, I want to ask you something!" She said:"Ok". I then sat and started working on my laptop. In five minutes, ModelBarista is standing in front of me, saying:"So what did you want to ask me?" I said:"You want to hangout sometime?" Her mouth fell open and eyes widened, and she laughed in disbelief. The question seemed to have knocked the breath out of her. "Sure, once I get to know you better": she said finally with a shy smile. Then she rushed off inside to have her lunch. Afterwards, when she was mopping, we talked a bit about our common interest in photography. I asked her what else she was into and she said running, writing, music, etc..etc..I noticed she was way more talkative towards everyone, unusually so. As I mentioned before, this busy Starbucks offers no opportunity to privately flirt with a barista, so I'm not investing much thought into this interaction. Though I now think I recognized her earlier signals correctly (as mentioned in my prior post), I'm not sure about her "once I get to know you better" comment. How will she get to know me better unless she spends time in private with me? I'll have to follow her as she mops around, or hang around the counter as she churns out skinny lattes and mocha-fraps. I would have much rather preferred a :"Thanks, but I'm not interested!" or "Sure <no caveats>" response...oh well, what the heck, I'm gonna pursue her...the fun's in the chase after all!