Is it better to be friends first or no?

[Lillyba26]

Some people say it's a good thing but other people say it's not because after some time it could be strange or awkward or you get friend zoned. What do you think?

[d0nnivain]

When I was in high school I needed to be friends 1st to have a foundation of trust. Once I got into my 20s I realized the purpose of going on dates is to get to know the other person.

 

For me being platonic friends first confuses the issue. If I am attracted to you, some physical contact -- hand holding, kissing etc. is required to advance the romance.

 

I do think it's a good idea to have a sense of the person before sex & exclusivity.

 

But to grab a coffee, go to a movie, go on a hike, have dinner etc.m friendship is not required in advance. Those activities help you to bond & decide if you want a relationship.

[AlexDream]

Some people say it's a good thing but other people say it's not because after some time it could be strange or awkward or you get friend zoned. What do you think?

 

How can you force yourself being just friends with the person who you are attracted with? This question lies around chemistry and you cannot avoid it.

 

As for me, I don't believe in friendship between men and women. I am strongly satisfied that one of these 'friends' feels something more to the other.

[carhill]

Is it better to be friends first or no?

Some people say it's a good thing but other people say it's not because after some time it could be strange or awkward or you get friend zoned. What do you think?

 

IME, in my dating and married life, no, 'friends-first' never worked, though it was a more natural style for myself. In order to have successful relationships I had to force myself to be more sexual and overt than I would normally be, and far earlier, like immediately. That's what worked in my demographic. If a guy wants to spread his genes and enjoy a shot at immortality, either he adapts or dies.

[privategal]

My husband and I were coworkers and friends. There was literally ZERO spark and chemistry...In fact, for awhile I didnt even LIKE him even much as a person.

Over time he would talk to me about issues between him and his friends, family, girlfriends.

It bonded us as friends.

After he left the company I thought...I reslly miss my friend.

I hadnt seen him for several years or spoke to him when randomly I saw him in the city.

Even then, sparks werent flying but he asked for my contact info to stay in touch. I knew then at least I wanted him in my life.

We met here and there for drinks over time...one day I realized omg...I REALLY like this guy.

It hit me like a train, it just slowly built through real true platonic friendship. For him too. We werent trying to make magic happen..it literally grew on us...it evolved so naturally and due to that...and all these years later, were still best friends and lovers!! Its awesome to marry your best friend!

[salparadise]

one day I realized omg...I REALLY like this guy.

It hit me like a train, it just slowly built through real true platonic friendship. For him too. We werent trying to make magic happen..it literally grew on us...it evolved so naturally and due to that...and all these years later, were still best friends and lovers!! Its awesome to marry your best friend!

 

 

Uh huh, that's what happens. It's the way we're wired.

 

This is why I just roll my eyes when I read threads where women have a male best friend (or five) and want to spend lots of alone time with them, and then seem so genuinely perplexed that her boyfriend is jealous, upset, trying to convince her that it's not ok... being a controlling jerk.

 

Men and women are predisposed to... ^what you said. Even if there really isn't much attraction there to begin with.

[salparadise]

To expound a bit... if romance evolves through friendship, work or random acquaintance I think that's just fine. But people who think that throwing out the word platonic nullifies three million years of cause>effect>result>success>repeat are merely deluding themselves. And the delusion is absolutely integral to said cause>effect>result>success>repeat mechanism.

 

Aren't our delusions wonderful things? Through them we can meet expectations, get what we want, rationalize, blame shift... they make us highly adaptive, and adaptive is good, right?

 

When my gf and I started dating after meeting on okc we'd use those question/responses as conversation starters. One of the questions is, "did you join okc just to find people to have sex with?" I had answered no with an explanation... which really amounted to a subtle yes, but conditionally. In that explanation, which we discussed in a bar over margaritas after dinner and wine, I fleshed out this friendship stuff, used the words "feigning demure" and "delusions." Her, being the behavioral scientist that she is, and more than a bit tipsy, realized that we might as well go for it without a lot of pretense.

 

Seven months now and still going strong! Yay!

[Piddle]

My husband and I were coworkers and friends. There was literally ZERO spark and chemistry...In fact, for awhile I didnt even LIKE him even much as a person.

Over time he would talk to me about issues between him and his friends, family, girlfriends.

It bonded us as friends.

After he left the company I thought...I reslly miss my friend.

I hadnt seen him for several years or spoke to him when randomly I saw him in the city.

Even then, sparks werent flying but he asked for my contact info to stay in touch. I knew then at least I wanted him in my life.

We met here and there for drinks over time...one day I realized omg...I REALLY like this guy.

It hit me like a train, it just slowly built through real true platonic friendship. For him too. We werent trying to make magic happen..it literally grew on us...it evolved so naturally and due to that...and all these years later, were still best friends and lovers!! Its awesome to marry your best friend!

 

Privategal, can I ask, who made the first move? It's tough to make that transition form best buds to more. I mean you're mind is just spinning, does he / she even like me like that? How can I risk the friendship. I'm just curious how it actually happened.

[RecentChange]

The friends first thing never worked for me, like another poster said, I am attracted to them or I am not.

 

I DO have male friends - always have. My best friend when I was 5 years old was "David" from down the street.

 

But I have never dated, or even hooked up with any of my friends (okay, there was one young, super drunken night - and somehow forever more we pretended like it didn't happen) - any way.

 

I have friends - and I have boyfriends, never the same.

 

But I am also one of those who goes for a "spark" and chemistry, rather than a slow build. My relationships always start out on FIRE - and unlike many stories here, don't crash and burn right away.

 

And I agree with the be with your "best friend" part - but that doesn't mean your relationship has to START as a friendship. My guy is my best friend by far - but he wasn't my friend before our first date.