There are responsibilities for a BS in reconciliation.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like every couple sets their own parameters for reconciliation- for us, we are open and honest about our feelings- if I want to talk about it out of the clear blue, I will- I will not have a set of rules that define my healing-

 

It works for us-

[cocorico]

I have been thinking, that while one can never forget what was done, and should not, the affair, the cheating, and the lying, that once you have made the decision to reconcile, you then must, take divorce, and other negative positions off the table if reconciliation is to really work. The BS has work to do as well as the WS. Not only must the cheating be addressed, but any other problems in the marriage must be worked on as well.

 

We all know what the WS must and has to do for a "good" reconciliation, but, and this maybe harder, there are things a BS must do as well. Remember, as a BS, you have decided that life is better, even living with the betrayal, with your spouse.

 

What must a BS do to make the reconciliation work? My thoughts.

 

1) Forgive, and not hold over the WS their action, unless by their present actions, their past must be readdressed. IE, I do not bring up my wife past ONS, and over spending, unless it is germane to the conversation or situation.

 

2) Really decide if you are going to reconcile and give it 100%. Once your "gift" is given you should be prepared for all the hard work that it implies.

 

3) Accept when and if the WS is working and changing, and while verifying, give them benefit of the doubt when warranted.

 

4) Approach the marriage as equals on issues and problems that are not from the affair. In other words, at some point, future problems must be dealt with and the high ground will need to be abandoned.

 

 

This is assuming, and this can be a big assumption, that the WS is a former WS, and is doing everything that is asked for and accepted to reconcile. In other words, a false reconciliation is not happening. Example: Mrs. JA, and there are others, VBM wife, Anne was doing everything she could to walk the straight and narrow.

 

For those that advise divorce, and only divorce, I would ask that you widen your position, and give some thought to what you may think is necessary for a BS to have a good reconciliation.

 

My two cents, and lets hope for a good conversation...........

 

While on an intellectual level this makes sense to me, I think it's definitely horses for courses.

 

A friend (BW) who reconciled after an A sprang to mind. Her WH had always been very dominant in the R, and for some reason she had put up with it through their whole 25 years of M - despite being a very competent professional woman with a wide network of friends. Then the A. At first, she was devastated - he moved in with the OW, she fell apart... She begged, the kids begged, he finally agreed to return - with a whole long list of conditions, including that she lose weight (she was slim!) etc. She agreed, and they stayed together, with her constantly looking over her shoulder all the time,mince he might leave at any moment if she didn't "measure up"...

 

But over time, the constant possibility of D sparked a shift in her - she began to see it as something that could work for her. If she was no longer happy, if he left, she got to start afresh, to enjoy her life without him rather than tiptoeing around him to keep him happy. After all, all her friends had been telling her since DDay (and before) how much better she was than him, and how she'd be just fine without him. The threat of the D helped her acclimatise to the possibility of being alone, and helped her to see that as a positive possibility. So, when he lost his job in a downsizing and wanted to start up a business privately, she put her foot down. They were M in Community of Property so he needed her signature to take a loan against their home, and she refused. She insisted that they amend the terms of their M to out of CoP, separate all the finances, and that the company be established in his name only, once they'd sold the home (the kids had moved out, so downsizing was easy) and she tucked away her share in investments only she had signing power over... He was gobsmacked but over a barrel, and had to agree. With their finances separate, and her nest egg tucked away, she was ready to walk at the drop of a hat if she wanted or needed to, and that allowed her to continue in the M. With the power dynamic more equal, he had to step up his game, and finally began to act like a decent human being. Today - more than 10 years after the A - they're very happy, enjoying life with grandkids, both retired... But he knows that she's with him because she chooses to be, not because she needs to be, and so he works to make sure the M is worth both of their staying (as does she).

 

Without the constant possibility of D, things would likely have ended very differently for them.

[merrmeade]

While on an intellectual level this makes sense to me, I think it's definitely horses for courses.

 

A friend (BW) who reconciled after an A sprang to mind. Her WH had always been very dominant in the R, and for some reason she had put up with it through their whole 25 years of M - despite being a very competent professional woman with a wide network of friends. Then the A. At first, she was devastated - he moved in with the OW, she fell apart... She begged, the kids begged, he finally agreed to return - with a whole long list of conditions, including that she lose weight (she was slim!) etc. She agreed, and they stayed together, with her constantly looking over her shoulder all the time,mince he might leave at any moment if she didn't "measure up"...

 

But over time, the constant possibility of D sparked a shift in her - she began to see it as something that could work for her. If she was no longer happy, if he left, she got to start afresh, to enjoy her life without him rather than tiptoeing around him to keep him happy. After all, all her friends had been telling her since DDay (and before) how much better she was than him, and how she'd be just fine without him. The threat of the D helped her acclimatise to the possibility of being alone, and helped her to see that as a positive possibility. So, when he lost his job in a downsizing and wanted to start up a business privately, she put her foot down. They were M in Community of Property so he needed her signature to take a loan against their home, and she refused. She insisted that they amend the terms of their M to out of CoP, separate all the finances, and that the company be established in his name only, once they'd sold the home (the kids had moved out, so downsizing was easy) and she tucked away her share in investments only she had signing power over... He was gobsmacked but over a barrel, and had to agree. With their finances separate, and her nest egg tucked away, she was ready to walk at the drop of a hat if she wanted or needed to, and that allowed her to continue in the M. With the power dynamic more equal, he had to step up his game, and finally began to act like a decent human being. Today - more than 10 years after the A - they're very happy, enjoying life with grandkids, both retired... But he knows that she's with him because she chooses to be, not because she needs to be, and so he works to make sure the M is worth both of their staying (as does she).

 

Without the constant possibility of D, things would likely have ended very differently for them.

God, I love it. YOu need a screenwriter.

[merrmeade]

I agree with this and it is true for me since I am on the edge of limbo/R. I still have yet to see bigger strides from my WH. Currently the kids & finances & our history keeps me firmly planted. I'm not saying I don't love my WH, but it is definitely not the love that a married couple shares, something is still missing and I've never gotten it from him. I make my decision on a daily basis whether to stay or leave.

Does he realize the bolded or any of this?

[understand50]

While on an intellectual level this makes sense to me, I think it's definitely horses for courses.

 

A friend (BW) who reconciled after an A sprang to mind. Her WH had always been very dominant in the R, and for some reason she had put up with it through their whole 25 years of M - despite being a very competent professional woman with a wide network of friends. Then the A. At first, she was devastated - he moved in with the OW, she fell apart... She begged, the kids begged, he finally agreed to return - with a whole long list of conditions, including that she lose weight (she was slim!) etc. She agreed, and they stayed together, with her constantly looking over her shoulder all the time,mince he might leave at any moment if she didn't "measure up"...

 

But over time, the constant possibility of D sparked a shift in her - she began to see it as something that could work for her. If she was no longer happy, if he left, she got to start afresh, to enjoy her life without him rather than tiptoeing around him to keep him happy. After all, all her friends had been telling her since DDay (and before) how much better she was than him, and how she'd be just fine without him. The threat of the D helped her acclimatise to the possibility of being alone, and helped her to see that as a positive possibility. So, when he lost his job in a downsizing and wanted to start up a business privately, she put her foot down. They were M in Community of Property so he needed her signature to take a loan against their home, and she refused. She insisted that they amend the terms of their M to out of CoP, separate all the finances, and that the company be established in his name only, once they'd sold the home (the kids had moved out, so downsizing was easy) and she tucked away her share in investments only she had signing power over... He was gobsmacked but over a barrel, and had to agree. With their finances separate, and her nest egg tucked away, she was ready to walk at the drop of a hat if she wanted or needed to, and that allowed her to continue in the M. With the power dynamic more equal, he had to step up his game, and finally began to act like a decent human being. Today - more than 10 years after the A - they're very happy, enjoying life with grandkids, both retired... But he knows that she's with him because she chooses to be, not because she needs to be, and so he works to make sure the M is worth both of their staying (as does she).

 

Without the constant possibility of D, things would likely have ended very differently for them.

 

My opinion, is that she never really had a good Reconciliation, seem he used the A to get what he wanted, and she went along. I would ask her, why she was not able to use the treat of divorce in the beginning, and reset the marriage. Glad she woke up and re-balanced the relationship. I would also point out that she was generally unhappy, and if she divorced, later, the A would just be one of many issues that lead to it.

 

That is my point, she took divorce off the table after the affair, but looked at it later for a whole host of reasons.

 

My two cents.

[understand50]

considering the spot I'm in, it concerns me actually.

 

Katielee,

 

I would not worry about it too much. The same statistic could be applied to you. Are you going to "re-cheat"? If there was a "Cosmic Casino", for placing bets on people, I would not put a bet on you for that. I think the odds would too much of a long shot.

 

Remember what Mark Twain said, the are lies, damn lies, and statistics. I know you are having issues with your husband right now, but you two will work them out.

 

Luck.

[understand50]

Now, I just finished writing a post on my own thread, defending a WS who gave advice to a BS in reconciliation.

 

But saying you should take responsibility for your own happiness is different from making a list of "shoulds." It only feels okay to me if the personal has asked for. Otherwise, it's like lecturing people born into tragic circumstances that have held them back from succeeding what they "should" be doing to get ahead in life. It's somehow not motivating when it comes unsolicited. But you see people in such circumstances pull themselves up and THEN ask for advice and help.

 

I agree, but this was a general question, "what can a BS do to help along reconciliation" Lord knows, all situations are different, but we tell WS there is a set of "standard" behaviors they need to do, to even have the chance of the gift of a second chance. I am sure, and there are many "riffs" off of the standard for each circumstance and for every couple, but there are things that a WS will find they have to do, or will be doing no matter how they get it done in the end. Also, even if they do everything "right", past the original affair, reconciliation may still not work, but the chance is better if they follow the standard script.

 

So, looking at the other side, what things should a BS tend to do to help along a reconciliation, assuming they really want one, as does the BS?

 

It strikes me as that maybe the missing ingredient. Both must want to stay together.

 

My two cents........

[katielee]

Katielee,

 

I would not worry about it too much. The same statistic could be applied to you. Are you going to "re-cheat"? If there was a "Cosmic Casino", for placing bets on people, I would not put a bet on you for that. I think the odds would too much of a long shot.

 

Remember what Mark Twain said, the are lies, damn lies, and statistics. I know you are having issues with your husband right now, but you two will work them out.

 

Luck.

 

I'm worried that the 90% of MM has already happened and I don't know about it.

[cocorico]

My opinion, is that she never really had a good Reconciliation, seem he used the A to get what he wanted, and she went along. I would ask her, why she was not able to use the treat of divorce in the beginning, and reset the marriage. Glad she woke up and re-balanced the relationship. I would also point out that she was generally unhappy, and if she divorced, later, the A would just be one of many issues that lead to it.

 

That is my point, she took divorce off the table after the affair, but looked at it later for a whole host of reasons.

 

My two cents.

 

You misunderstand - *she* wasn't unhappy (God knows why - he treated her badly but she didn't see it that way. She worshipped him.)

 

She didn't take D off the table - it was on the table the whole time (he made sure of that). She saw herself as powerless to influence it - he would decide whether or not to stay, based on her "performance". She didn't *want* D -'hence her begging him to return - but she knew it was a constant possibility. And over time made peace with that, and came to see it as a positive possibility rather than the worst thing that could happen to her. (I suppose, in part, it also had to do with the kids leaving home, and her doing well professionally so that she'd be able to support herself comfortably on her own salary and if she needed...)

 

She wasn't able to use the "threat of D" in the beginning - he was, because he had checked out, but she was still very invested. It would not have worked as a "threat" if she wielded it - he would simply have stayed with OW, and she'd have been left with a D she didn't want,many was terrified of (she'd have been fine - I think better off, certainly in the short-term, though they are very happy now. He's like a different person... )

 

Nor do I think he "used the A to get what he wanted" - he wanted the OW (at that stage). He was tired of being "the provider" (as he saw it - she was very successful professionally but had cut back her hours during the kids' childhood to do all the driving to rugby practice etc because he certainly wasn't going to do that! ) and wanted a "fresh start" with a younger woman, with no kids, etc. The whole thing about making her (the BW) lose weight, dress differently, etc was I think a total red herring. The BW was slim - much slimmer than him - but the OW (I don't know her, but did see a picture of him with her) was very thin - eating disorder thin - but worked as a rep for weightloss products so perhaps it was required? I think it was just a way to place the fault at her door - she "let herself go", etc, he could get this much younger, much thinner woman who dressed like a teenager (crop tops, low cut jeans, pierced navel, etc) and so she BW needed to step up and do the same (though she couldn't dress like that professionally- and he admitted as much).

[cocorico]

I'm worried that the 90% of MM has already happened and I don't know about it.

 

My H has had ample opportunity. He hasn't, because he doesn't want to. He is happy, having addressed the issues that led him to engage in infidelity in the first place. I'm sure the 90% is true of those who don't address the issues - not of those who do.

 

You and your H are dealing with things, right? You haven't just pretended none of it happened....

[cocorico]

I agree, but this was a general question, "what can a BS do to help along reconciliation" Lord knows, all situations are different, but we tell WS there is a set of "standard" behaviors they need to do, to even have the chance of the gift of a second chance. I am sure, and there are many "riffs" off of the standard for each circumstance and for every couple, but there are things that a WS will find they have to do, or will be doing no matter how they get it done in the end. Also, even if they do everything "right", past the original affair, reconciliation may still not work, but the chance is better if they follow the standard script.

 

So, looking at the other side, what things should a BS tend to do to help along a reconciliation, assuming they really want one, as does the BS?

 

It strikes me as that maybe the missing ingredient. Both must want to stay together.

 

My two cents........

 

I think that (bolded) is key.

[OldRover]

Understand,

 

Interesting post, and worthy of discussion.

 

Also, the BS often is part of the A, and they will have to change their attitude and actions perhaps as much as the WS will in order to make things work.

[OldRover]

with that in mind, I think divorce may always be "on the table" for the BS. I know it is for both hubby and I. I mean, considering what has happened, I might not have one foot out the door but have all the paperwork in order and a divorce attorney in mind. It's an option (and always will be) if things go south.

 

Katielee,

 

With the paperwork and attorney in order, I'd be surprised if your mindset isn't "when", not "if." You might as well get divorced and get on with your life. It appears that there's no trust there, nor a chance of rebuilding. You're not 100%, and that's fine if it's what you want.

 

I'd not stay in such a relationship.

[katielee]

the BS often is part of the A,

 

how do you figure?

[OldRover]

how do you figure?

 

Happens often. The marriage is falling apart, they drift apart, and one tried to spice things up a bit, fails and says screw it and has an affair. The WS could have possibly prevented it, had he paid attention.

 

In affairs, it's rare when there isn't blame on all sides.

[katielee]

says screw it and has an affair. T

 

.

 

still failing to see how this is the fault of the BS. Many more options than affair.

 

I think you meant: In MARRIAGE, it's rare when there isn't blame on all sides.

[ladydesigner]

While on an intellectual level this makes sense to me, I think it's definitely horses for courses.

 

A friend (BW) who reconciled after an A sprang to mind. Her WH had always been very dominant in the R, and for some reason she had put up with it through their whole 25 years of M - despite being a very competent professional woman with a wide network of friends. Then the A. At first, she was devastated - he moved in with the OW, she fell apart... She begged, the kids begged, he finally agreed to return - with a whole long list of conditions, including that she lose weight (she was slim!) etc. She agreed, and they stayed together, with her constantly looking over her shoulder all the time,mince he might leave at any moment if she didn't "measure up"...

 

But over time, the constant possibility of D sparked a shift in her - she began to see it as something that could work for her. If she was no longer happy, if he left, she got to start afresh, to enjoy her life without him rather than tiptoeing around him to keep him happy. After all, all her friends had been telling her since DDay (and before) how much better she was than him, and how she'd be just fine without him. The threat of the D helped her acclimatise to the possibility of being alone, and helped her to see that as a positive possibility. So, when he lost his job in a downsizing and wanted to start up a business privately, she put her foot down. They were M in Community of Property so he needed her signature to take a loan against their home, and she refused. She insisted that they amend the terms of their M to out of CoP, separate all the finances, and that the company be established in his name only, once they'd sold the home (the kids had moved out, so downsizing was easy) and she tucked away her share in investments only she had signing power over... He was gobsmacked but over a barrel, and had to agree. With their finances separate, and her nest egg tucked away, she was ready to walk at the drop of a hat if she wanted or needed to, and that allowed her to continue in the M. With the power dynamic more equal, he had to step up his game, and finally began to act like a decent human being. Today - more than 10 years after the A - they're very happy, enjoying life with grandkids, both retired... But he knows that she's with him because she chooses to be, not because she needs to be, and so he works to make sure the M is worth both of their staying (as does she).

 

Without the constant possibility of D, things would likely have ended very differently for them.

 

Really good post Coco thank you!

[heartwhole]

The way I view it, just because my husband had an affair does not change what kind of person and spouse I am. Of course, the infidelity must be dealt with and healing must take place, and the issues of the marriage (which are related to but not responsible for the affair) must be worked on, as they should whether or not there's infidelity. But I'm still the same me. I still act in good faith and honesty and hope. I still try to be a good partner. Of course, if I am in a false R or have a partner who does not want reconciliation, this will not work. And if I decide that even if he does want to reconcile and is remorseful that I cannot glue the pieces of our marriage back together, that's OK too. But since this topic assumes that both spouses are wanting and putting a good faith effort into R, then I do agree that there is equal responsibility for the marriage going forward.

 

My genuine pain, the way triggers can set off post-traumatic reactions, the fears and questions . . . these are the harsh realities that the WS must deal with. If I cannot also make a good faith effort to connect, to remember the good in him, to appreciate what he's done since the A, etc., then surely our R will fail under the weight of all the negativity. It's hard enough when you're both trying your best to cling to each other.

 

Of course, good luck to the WS who wants to tell a BS stuck in negativity that s/he must move on. Vicious cycle. My only advice for either partner who feels they're stuck in a vicious cycle is to begin the virtuous cycle yourself. Maybe it will catch on and your partner will reciprocate.

[ladydesigner]

Does he realize the bolded or any of this?

 

Yes he does. I know I come across as cold, but I need to protect myself too. My WH has never done the work I have needed to heal except verbally tell me the A is over. Ideally I wish I had a remorseful husband. That is what I really wanted. I don't even care that the A happened anymore or that is was 3 years. Heck I have no hard feelings towards the MOW because he did her wrong too.

What I have discovered and continue to discover is how personality disordered my WH is. This has been the dealbreaker for me and I am having troubles navigating. I know I should get a D, but easier said than done. The only thing I really can do that would make me feel a little bit more in control of my life is what cocorico said in her post in regards to getting my nest egg ready.

[heartwhole]

Yes he does. I know I come across as cold, but I need to protect myself too. My WH has never done the work I have needed to heal except verbally tell me the A is over. Ideally I wish I had a remorseful husband. That is what I really wanted. I don't even care that the A happened anymore or that is was 3 years. Heck I have no hard feelings towards the MOW because he did her wrong too.

What I have discovered and continue to discover is how personality disordered my WH is. This has been the dealbreaker for me and I am having troubles navigating. I know I should get a D, but easier said than done. The only thing I really can do that would make me feel a little bit more in control of my life is what cocorico said in her post in regards to getting my nest egg ready.

 

Getting the nest egg ready sounds like a good first step. Are you in IC?

 

I discovered the same thing about my husband's low empathy and high self-absorption after the A. I really didn't see it before. I'm an independent, low-maintenance person, so I guess that's why we matched up to begin with. Our MC said he was self-absorbed and we were both shocked, but he is working on it in IC. I don't expect him to ever burst at the seams with empathy and selflessness, but I do see enough effort and change to be satisfied. Do you think your husband is capable of any change? I guess the sad reality is that you may never know if he's willing to change unless you decide to leave. He probably will not be motivated until he thinks he's going to lose you, and he's not going to worry about losing you until you're halfway out the door.

[Mr. Lucky]

I make my decision on a daily basis whether to stay or leave.

 

Don't think I could live like that but understand how practical matters might put one in that position. Perhaps I'm less able to deal with a fluid dynamic than you are.

 

At some point, I think the BS owes their spouse the same "all in" commitment they're asking the WS to give in R. Maybe that's where the oft-quoted "2-5 year" number comes from - 2 years is too soon, 5 years means probably never going to happen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

Getting the nest egg ready sounds like a good first step. Are you in IC?

 

I discovered the same thing about my husband's low empathy and high self-absorption after the A. I really didn't see it before. I'm an independent, low-maintenance person, so I guess that's why we matched up to begin with. Our MC said he was self-absorbed and we were both shocked, but he is working on it in IC. I don't expect him to ever burst at the seams with empathy and selflessness, but I do see enough effort and change to be satisfied. Do you think your husband is capable of any change? I guess the sad reality is that you may never know if he's willing to change unless you decide to leave. He probably will not be motivated until he thinks he's going to lose you, and he's not going to worry about losing you until you're halfway out the door.

 

That is great heartwhole that HE realizes HE needs help for this. My WH does not feel he has any issues so therefore cannot be helped. After Dday1 I asked my WH to go to an IC which he did (because I asked him to not because he wanted to). I found out later that him and MOW made fun of me for asking him to go to therapy and made fun of me for being in therapy There was also one time that I asked to go to therapy with my WH and see his IC, well his IC pulled me aside and asked what I wanted to see from my WH and that she felt he could not be helped that he has strong NPD tendencies. I should have listened I didn't want to believe what she was telling me at the time.

 

Edited to add: I am currently not in IC but need to be. I did see an IC for 3 years pre and post A.

[Liam1]

I agree with your post.

 

IMO, it is crucial for the BS to acknowledge any faults of their own that may have caused the dysfunction in the marriage, IF there were any involved.

 

And unless the straying spouse is a psychopath or has a diagnosed personality disorder such as being a narcissist, there are almost always problems that BOTH SPOUSES contribute to the marriage.

 

IMO, it takes a high sense of self esteem to acknowledge a problem that may have been simmering that was caused by and continually denied by the BS prior to the other spouse having an affair.

 

Divorce, IMO, is the easy option, for BOTH parties. It certainly would have been easier for me to divorce and move on. Working on the marriage took a lot of effort.

 

Had my wife not faced up to her own failings, I would have actually preferred divorce.

 

She did acknowledge her faults, and now our marriage is different but far better for both of us than it was prior.

 

My wife has a high sense of self esteem and is self supporting and to her the infidelity was really not that traumatic. Divorce, according to her own words to our counselor, would have been far more traumatic.

 

I have been thinking, that while one can never forget what was done, and should not, the affair, the cheating, and the lying, that once you have made the decision to reconcile, you then must, take divorce, and other negative positions off the table if reconciliation is to really work. The BS has work to do as well as the WS. Not only must the cheating be addressed, but any other problems in the marriage must be worked on as well.

 

We all know what the WS must and has to do for a "good" reconciliation, but, and this maybe harder, there are things a BS must do as well. Remember, as a BS, you have decided that life is better, even living with the betrayal, with your spouse.

 

What must a BS do to make the reconciliation work? My thoughts.

 

1) Forgive, and not hold over the WS their action, unless by their present actions, their past must be readdressed. IE, I do not bring up my wife past ONS, and over spending, unless it is germane to the conversation or situation.

 

2) Really decide if you are going to reconcile and give it 100%. Once your "gift" is given you should be prepared for all the hard work that it implies.

 

3) Accept when and if the WS is working and changing, and while verifying, give them benefit of the doubt when warranted.

 

4) Approach the marriage as equals on issues and problems that are not from the affair. In other words, at some point, future problems must be dealt with and the high ground will need to be abandoned.

 

 

This is assuming, and this can be a big assumption, that the WS is a former WS, and is doing everything that is asked for and accepted to reconcile. In other words, a false reconciliation is not happening. Example: Mrs. JA, and there are others, VBM wife, Anne was doing everything she could to walk the straight and narrow.

 

For those that advise divorce, and only divorce, I would ask that you widen your position, and give some thought to what you may think is necessary for a BS to have a good reconciliation.

 

My two cents, and lets hope for a good conversation...........

[ladydesigner]

Don't think I could live like that but understand how practical matters might put one in that position. Perhaps I'm less able to deal with a fluid dynamic than you are.

 

At some point, I think the BS owes their spouse the same "all in" commitment they're asking the WS to give in R. Maybe that's where the oft-quoted "2-5 year" number comes from - 2 years is too soon, 5 years means probably never going to happen...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I totally agree Mr. Lucky I hope by the 5 year mark I will know. Right now it still feels shaky (shady) to me and it has been 1.5 years since my False R discovery (which put my original healing back to day 1:sick:)

[Liam1]

Good post and I agree with all of it except the bolded. For me, divorce was on the table for 3 years. Yes, at sometime when the couple is further down the road divorce should be removed as possible action. A viable marriage can't grow if one foot is constantly out the door. Maybe that is what you meant. The WS needs a fear of loss. On the flip side, the BS needs the freedom to walk away if conditions are not satisfactory.

 

Forgiveness requires to wipe the slate clean. It's hard! The A still comes up time to time but I can't constantly use it as leverage. In short, both parties need to fight fair.

 

With all of that said if something inappropriate comes to light, then there will be no third chance. I have my deal-breakers moving forward. By being on the cusp of divorce so long it no longer scares me. I know that I can divorce and I'll be just fine. I'm still with my WS because I want her, not because I need her. Big difference.

 

I agree, and perhaps so does Understand 50.

 

Yes. there needs to be a period of adjustment before divorce is taken off the table.

 

IMO, anyone who has an affair should be fully prepared to accept that it might cause a divorce.