Forgiving abuse

[KittyKat67]

I AM HERE TO GET OPINIONS ON NOT BEING ABLE TO FORGIVE MY PARENTS...I suppose like most of us our parents were old school and alot of us were beat. I have had trouble even into my late 30's accepting the in justice of this despite all the therapy I have been in. At first I felt bad because I couldn't move on and when I read online about how many of us were beaten as kids, I felt it was my duty to let it go. But I haven't and its killing me. I think that part of the reason is this:

 

1. My mom believes family is everything through hell or high water. Her response is we are a family.

 

2. Before I can make any life decisions at my age, I am still required to sit and talk to my parents about it. The most disturbing and humiliating thing is I am a very free spirited gypsy type and they are people who you stay at eh same house, job and never move. Ever. So I never moved and am serverly depressed.

 

3. They keep telling me they never hit me and even if they did, it happened 20 years go. Well I am still being bullied not physically, but they both intimidate me and if I don't do what they say, I get yelled at still, things thrown, cupboards slammed, bullying yelling....so I give in and go stand in the corner...so to speak.

 

4. I can't heal. They don't uderstand as long as I am in contact with them I get re injured all over again. I am from another country and my dad still calls me "stupid" in our language as a joke, but says it over and over and over. My brother is 41, lives at home sleeps till 2, doesn't work, plays video games, hoards,...but they have contol over him so they enable.

 

5. I l ive in a house that me and my parents bought together, well they boght it and I pay them monthly. But they put them at 51% and it pisses me off to this day that they did that. Just one more thing to contol.

 

6. They have seen me depressed, suicidal, couldn't work for 2 years due to the depression and suicidal idations. They just called and said hope you have a great day, we paid the cable, and water. Send us the bill next month. This went on for 5 years. I couldn't believe they didn't respond when I told them I was suicidal, they got super super super pissed and said I'm weak.

 

7. The abuse was getting hit, slapped, kicked, punched, thrown against the wall, never sexual abuse though, constantly telling me I was worthless, my dad used to beat me for not holding my fork right. My mom never stopped him ever. HE beat her a few times too along with our dog and my brother. When I was 21, my dad attacked me for not visiting him enough in the hospital when he had open heart surgery. My mom joined in and I was in a fetal position while they were both hitting me. They took me out to dinner the next day. My dad charged me with a rake last year because I finally got some female balls and stood up to him and told him to change his tone and don't speak to me like he was....he charge me with a rake!!

 

8. So with this all being said, I was married and off on my own and was fine for decade. then I got divorced and now under their thumb again and I feel like this is going to kill me. Is it sooo wrong that I can't forgive them yet for the abuse? I wasn't a perfect kid, but I never got arrested, pregnant unwed, most I gto was a bad report card. smoked pot in high school, but basiclly never talked back and remembered their b day, aniversary etc. But for some reason now at my age, I can't take this control, sometimes I would rather be dead.

 

9. Financially they give me everything. They tell me they love me but are not able to show me, thats what they said. They buy me nice cards, supportive if I need help, I'm so confused because I love them and let them help me because thats how they how thier love and if I move and sell the house, I am taking away their love they say.

 

They keep telling me that i have a house and no matter what I should be happy period. I freaking know what being happy is because I was happy at one point married. I love them very much and just want them to show me they love me. I wait forever I guess. If I move, they threaten to just sell the house, then they said "where will you live then huh?"

 

 

Is the bigger issue is that I can't walk away? I'm so confused almost 40 years old. This is pathetic life.

I know I shoud heal but what is depressing me is my heart has told me for 20 years I need to move away from them to heal.

Edited April 5, 2016 by KittyKat67

[amaysngrace]

Some parents hobble their kids so the kids never leave. They did it to your brother and they're trying to do it with you but they can't cripple your spirit.

 

That's what they don't get.

 

Can you place an ad to find a roommate and just leave? Find someone across the country maybe?

 

Can you find a job and just go?

[BettyDraper]

If you can't forgive your parents for their abuse, you shouldn't be accepting their financial largesse either because that will tie you to them.

 

It's also unfair to choose not to forgive someone yet take their money when they offer it. You can't have it both ways.

 

My mother was horribly abusive. I have minimal contact with her and there is no way I would take $0.35 from her because I know that she would never let me forget it. It also doesn't make sense to take gifts or money from someone that I don't like.

 

You are an adult. Find a job and leave.

[Poppyolive]

What's stopping you from cutting ties? Getting that wonderful gypsy spirit out of there. Travel, find work, find a roommate? Yes, they are your parents, but they're not doing you any good. Don't you think they've done enough? Go grab life. Make it what you want. Too many are on deaths door....it's never too late to start afresh. The forgiveness will come when you're ready, and happy. They sound like terrible parents.

 

My mom was a bit controlling, as soon as I was 18 I went travelling, studied abroad, and found great friends, good jobs and a sweet life.

[KittyKat67]

If you can't forgive your parents for their abuse, you shouldn't be accepting their financial largesse either because that will tie you to them.

 

It's also unfair to choose not to forgive someone yet take their money when they offer it. You can't have it both ways.

 

My mother was horribly abusive. I have minimal contact with her and there is no way I would take $0.35 from her because I know that she would never let me forget it. It also doesn't make sense to take gifts or money from someone that I don't like.

 

You are an adult. Find a job and leave.

 

You are right, I shouldn't take any help. I didn't take any help ever for the first 3 decades of life. I only started after I moved to the house we bought together and then felt trapped. I hear what your saying. I don't know I suppose I am a bit co dependent and am scared. My anger towards the whole situation made me unable to hold a job down for the last 5 years. I couldn't even work for 2 years and get out of bed I was so depressed and angry. What you are saying is right though, do you have any more valuable insight please? I'm scared at my age. My mom always made me think what if I get cancer or get sick and nobody is there to help you? If I move away and start over, I won't have anybody. I'm not scared to be alone, but the whole health thing has me petrified.

[KittyKat67]

What's stopping you from cutting ties? Getting that wonderful gypsy spirit out of there. Travel, find work, find a roommate? Yes, they are your parents, but they're not doing you any good. Don't you think they've done enough? Go grab life. Make it what you want. Too many are on deaths door....it's never too late to start afresh. The forgiveness will come when you're ready, and happy. They sound like terrible parents.

 

My mom was a bit controlling, as soon as I was 18 I went travelling, studied abroad, and found great friends, good jobs and a sweet life.

 

 

What is stopping me, I don't know.

Well part of it i have two dogs, one is elderly and on the decline. I guess I have been waiting to only have one small dog before I move honestly. I'm scared.

[KittyKat67]

If you can't forgive your parents for their abuse, you shouldn't be accepting their financial largesse either because that will tie you to them.

 

It's also unfair to choose not to forgive someone yet take their money when they offer it. You can't have it both ways.

 

My mother was horribly abusive. I have minimal contact with her and there is no way I would take $0.35 from her because I know that she would never let me forget it. It also doesn't make sense to take gifts or money from someone that I don't like.

 

You are an adult. Find a job and leave.

also, yes it is unfair to forgive and then take their money, but at one point I was so despondent I couldn't work. I literally thought people were trying to kill me and was getting delusional from all the introspection day in and day out and not working for 2 years not even hardly leaving the house. When the saw I was depressed, they were disgusted with me. LIterally disgusted.

I'm also pushing 40 and am afraid,...my mom always made me feel lie what if something happens to you, you get sick, or something and your alone, you won't be able to make it,,,has stuck in my head.

[amaysngrace]

What is stopping me, I don't know.

Well part of it i have two dogs, one is elderly and on the decline. I guess I have been waiting to only have one small dog before I move honestly. I'm scared.

 

When I was scared to leave my abusive exH I thought about it and figured what I know I have sucks and maybe the unknown won't suck and it will be better.

 

And even if it sucks I already have a sucky situation so it's worth a shot to see.

 

Don't be frozen in fear. Don't let them take your ability to fly. You've been afraid long enough.

[KittyKat67]

When I was scared to leave my abusive exH I thought about it and figured what I know I have sucks and maybe the unknown won't suck and it will be better.

 

And even if it sucks I already have a sucky situation so it's worth a shot to see.

 

Don't be frozen in fear. Don't let them take your ability to fly. You've been afraid long enough.

 

 

thank y ou thank you thank you, those words resonated me and honestly if I haven't cried already enough about this for a lifetime, I would be in major tears, I'm just numb now. You are right though. This forum is the shiznits!!

[truthtripper]

What is stopping me, I don't know.

Well part of it i have two dogs, one is elderly and on the decline. I guess I have been waiting to only have one small dog before I move honestly. I'm scared.

What is stopping you? It's called 'learned helplessness'. Your abusive parents effectively taught you to be helpless. It's as simple as that. Waiting to have one dog is an excuse. As others here have mentioned, move away from them. Their threats that you won't survive on your own are false, they are just projecting their pathetic insecurities onto you. Don't allow them to keep infantilising and disempowering you.

[Tayla]

Forgive the sinner, NOT the sin.

 

Diplomatic skills and adopting a healthy lifestyle may be key.

Met some folks who transition well from therapy. Actually they are more apt to be compassionate to both sides of the story....Its un bias perhaps....

 

Try to heal from this and grow into the fine person you are meant to be. No one is stopping you ...other then your self ideas...I sincerely believe you can achieve and amend your life. Best to you.

[BettyDraper]

You are right, I shouldn't take any help. I didn't take any help ever for the first 3 decades of life. I only started after I moved to the house we bought together and then felt trapped. I hear what your saying. I don't know I suppose I am a bit co dependent and am scared. My anger towards the whole situation made me unable to hold a job down for the last 5 years. I couldn't even work for 2 years and get out of bed I was so depressed and angry. What you are saying is right though, do you have any more valuable insight please? I'm scared at my age. My mom always made me think what if I get cancer or get sick and nobody is there to help you? If I move away and start over, I won't have anybody. I'm not scared to be alone, but the whole health thing has me petrified.

 

We all come into this world alone and die alone. It doesn't matter what relationships we form over the course of life.

 

Since you are aware that you are codependent, it would be wise to start taking responsibility for your life and your decisions. Nobody can "make you think" anything and plenty of people who are dependent on their parents still manage to hold down jobs. Using the possibility of cancer as a reason to live at home at your age doesn't make any sense.

 

To be honest, I think that your parents' manipulation has made you very immature. I don't understand why you allowed your parents to push you into buying a home with them if you were totally against that in the first place. Your parents are taking advantage of your codependency and passive approach to life. Now you need to stand up for yourself and start living like a grown man.

 

I was often physically and verbally abused growing up as well. I was very depressed in my late teens but I still managed to leave home before I was 23. Yes, it was scary and I didn't have a lot of money. I knew that I needed to make changes if I wanted to live a happy life. I would hate to see you reach the age of 50 with no career and still fearful of living alone. Speak to your therapist about breaking free of toxic parents and learned helplessness.

[truthtripper]

.....To be honest, I think that your parents' manipulation has made you very immature. I don't understand why you allowed your parents to push you into buying a home with them if you were totally against that in the first place. Your parents are taking advantage of your codependency and passive approach to life. Now you need to stand up for yourself and start living like a grown man.

 

...... Speak to your therapist about breaking free of toxic parents and learned helplessness.

I grew up in an abusive, manipulative family too. I can relate to acting against oneself to please others. I have done this countless times throughout my life. I was programmed that way. It was only when I went to university and observed the independence of my peers that I realised just how screwed I was. It's great that you, KittyKat, have this awareness. It enables you to to take action. Writing in this forum is a great start.

 

I, like you, was also told that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself if I left home. Everyday of my life, I was taught in so many ways, both overtly and covertly, that I would never have my own personal establishment, I would always be a slave to my family. The day before I moved out, my father told me, "if you leave, our marriage will fall apart". So I was even held responsible for my parents' marital problems. I was so glad I was leaving. This is what family enmeshment is, a lack of physical and emotional boundaries which leads to an inability to establish one's own individual identity and thus independence. But even in your helplessness you can still move out. For me it was my self-awareness that made me do it, not confidence, I had none. I had never lived away from home with strangers, never paid rent, never shared bills or shopped for my own groceries, but I had to do it.

 

Here's a link which may help.

 

Tips on Setting Boundaries in Enmeshed Relationships | Psych Central

[truthtripper]

.......I feel like this is going to kill me. Is it sooo wrong that I can't forgive them yet for the abuse? .......But for some reason now at my age, I can't take this control, sometimes I would rather be dead.

Yes, living with your parents will kill you, emotionally if not physically. Now is not the time to even contemplate forgiveness. You have given enough to them already. Now it's time to look after number one. Move out, nurture yourself. Save your sanity, you can't forgive them without it.

[UpwardForward]

Your parents obviously have the money to give you and to help support you during these times (following a divorce) and while providing a roof over your head.

 

 

It would seem true independence (and confidence) can only be had financially. Take steps to find an occupation, job (or classes), that would help you to become financially independent.

 

 

Then you could decide if you want to continue this living arrangement - or take your 49%, and run.

 

 

But, even if you were to room with someone, it could turn out to be oppressive or with disagreements.

 

 

I wouldn't fret about forgiveness at this time. Take this time to strengthen yourself.

[BettyDraper]

I grew up in an abusive, manipulative family too. I can relate to acting against oneself to please others. I have done this countless times throughout my life. I was programmed that way. It was only when I went to university and observed the independence of my peers that I realised just how screwed I was. It's great that you, KittyKat, have this awareness. It enables you to to take action. Writing in this forum is a great start.

 

I, like you, was also told that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself if I left home. Everyday of my life, I was taught in so many ways, both overtly and covertly, that I would never have my own personal establishment, I would always be a slave to my family. The day before I moved out, my father told me, "if you leave, our marriage will fall apart". So I was even held responsible for my parents' marital problems. I was so glad I was leaving. This is what family enmeshment is, a lack of physical and emotional boundaries which leads to an inability to establish one's own individual identity and thus independence. But even in your helplessness you can still move out. For me it was my self-awareness that made me do it, not confidence, I had none. I had never lived away from home with strangers, never paid rent, never shared bills or shopped for my own groceries, but I had to do it.

 

Here's a link which may help.

 

Tips on Setting Boundaries in Enmeshed Relationships | Psych Central

 

At some point, every abuse victim needs to become a survivor and stop blaming their parents for where they are in life. It isn't our fault if we develop poor coping skills due to our environment but we are completely responsible if we choose to stay victimized.

 

Abusive and manipulative parents obviously cause psychological damage but at some point adults need to take responsibility for their own lives. If the OP keeps making excuses for why he cannot move out, he will never be happy and he will be tied to his parents forever. This has already gone on for too long as the OP pushing 40.

 

I'm not saying that enmeshment and codependency are not serious issues which are very hard to break free from. My viewpoint is that those cannot be reasons to hide from adulthood forever.

[BettyDraper]

also, yes it is unfair to forgive and then take their money, but at one point I was so despondent I couldn't work. I literally thought people were trying to kill me and was getting delusional from all the introspection day in and day out and not working for 2 years not even hardly leaving the house. When the saw I was depressed, they were disgusted with me. LIterally disgusted.

I'm also pushing 40 and am afraid,...my mom always made me feel lie what if something happens to you, you get sick, or something and your alone, you won't be able to make it,,,has stuck in my head.

 

Did you go to your doctor and try to get treatment for your depression and delusions? What did your therapist tell you about your depression and delusions? If you took these steps, did you listen to the professionals and use their suggestions to heal or did you keep using your mother as a reason to stay stuck?

 

Look, I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I'm just trying to empower you to take steps to change your lot. We become happier and emotionally healthy when we accept that life is too short to waste trying to please others all the time. We become stronger once we look at how we can improve our lives ourselves. I was in my early 20s when I realized that being at home was only hurting me and I was extremely depressed. I saw a therapist and paid attention to what she was trying to teach me instead of allowing the destructive messages that my parents taught me to cripple me forever.

 

Ask yourself how much longer you want this to go on. You mentioned that your brother is in a similar place in life. I'm sure that you don't want to end up like him. Normal parents want their children to flourish as independent adults. It's clear that know how you became the person you are now. At this point, what matters is how you are going to grow beyond your childhood and what you've been taught.

[BettyDraper]

The book the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz may help you with letting go of what you've been taught = your family of origin.

 

You are not obligated to oblige what you've learned as a child. Are you able to see a trauma counselor?

 

I saw a counselor who specialized in abuse related trauma for over 2 years.

 

We both believe that I have done very well in spite of my childhood. I'm not given to using my childhood as an excuse to stay stuck forever.

 

I still have awful trust issues but other than that I've been able to build a decent life.

[KittyKat67]

 

 

Well I agreed because I just figured I probobly would just rent it out and its a great investment. After the fact, learned that my parents put them as 51%. They paid for the property and carrying me on the other half and I pay them every month. I did not know they were going to be on the deed like that at 1 %higher. With that being said, I guess the bottom line that its a mixture of being passive and wishy washy along with truly being intimidated because I already mentioned about moving and they don't say anything but when I mentioned selling or renting I got a bunch of angry responses so I just pull away but I am learning I have to have my own life, I am wayy to old to pulled back in like a kid, I wasn't like this before, however, I have ALWAYS felt I couldn't move away, that I wasn't allowed to.. Sad, but its up to me now to make concrete changes.

[KittyKat67]

At some point, every abuse victim needs to become a survivor and stop blaming their parents for where they are in life. It isn't our fault if we develop poor coping skills due to our environment but we are completely responsible if we choose to stay victimized.

 

Abusive and manipulative parents obviously cause psychological damage but at some point adults need to take responsibility for their own lives. If the OP keeps making excuses for why he cannot move out, he will never be happy and he will be tied to his parents forever. This has already gone on for too long as the OP pushing 40.

 

I'm not saying that enmeshment and codependency are not serious issues which are very hard to break free from. My viewpoint is that those cannot be reasons to hide from adulthood forever.

 

Thank you, all this really makes alot of sense and helps me to get told the truth by peers.

[UpwardForward]

Well I agreed because I just figured I probobly would just rent it out and its a great investment. After the fact, learned that my parents put them as 51%. They paid for the property and carrying me on the other half and I pay them every month. I did not know they were going to be on the deed like that at 1 %higher. With that being said, I guess the bottom line that its a mixture of being passive and wishy washy along with truly being intimidated because I already mentioned about moving and they don't say anything but when I mentioned selling or renting I got a bunch of angry responses so I just pull away but I am learning I have to have my own life, I am wayy to old to pulled back in like a kid, I wasn't like this before, however, I have ALWAYS felt I couldn't move away, that I wasn't allowed to.. Sad, but its up to me now to make concrete changes.

 

 

Have you thought of having the property appraised, and asking your parents to buy you out?

 

 

If you're in the states, all you have to do is Google the address. Zillow will give you an estimated market price.

[BettyDraper]

Have you thought of having the property appraised, and asking your parents to buy you out?

 

 

If you're in the states, all you have to do is Google the address. Zillow will give you an estimated market price.

 

This is a good idea. However, based on what the OP has shared, I doubt that his parents will buy him out because then they would lose control over him.

 

Buying a house with parents is rarely a smart idea because it keeps adults tied shackled to their parents. I've seen too many people end up in financial ruin because of vindictive parents in the same situation.

[BettyDraper]

Well I agreed because I just figured I probobly would just rent it out and its a great investment. After the fact, learned that my parents put them as 51%. They paid for the property and carrying me on the other half and I pay them every month. I did not know they were going to be on the deed like that at 1 %higher. With that being said, I guess the bottom line that its a mixture of being passive and wishy washy along with truly being intimidated because I already mentioned about moving and they don't say anything but when I mentioned selling or renting I got a bunch of angry responses so I just pull away but I am learning I have to have my own life, I am wayy to old to pulled back in like a kid, I wasn't like this before, however, I have ALWAYS felt I couldn't move away, that I wasn't allowed to.. Sad, but its up to me now to make concrete changes.

 

Do you really think that people as irrational and controlling as your parents would have allowed you to rent out a home that they have 51% stake in? I believe that you simply allowed yourself to be bullied into buying a home with your parents. I've seen so many people buy homes with parents and end up tied to their parents forever because of that.

 

I'm glad that you realize that you are thinking like a powerless child and you need to make changes. Yes, you are too old to be so scared of your mother and father. I'm wondering if there is some kind of cultural conditioning that I am unaware of. When you've had enough of your parents, you will make the plans to get away from them and not a moment sooner. You will leave when you've had enough.

 

What steps have you taken to get away from your parents so far?

 

My parents believe that women should not live alone or date more than one man before marriage. They tried to force me to accept their sexist and controlling behavior. I was done with that in my early twenties because I realized that nobody can live my life for me. My parents tried to impose their archaic nonsense on my husband and I when I was engaged. We married by ourselves partly because we realized that negotiating with both sets of parents was impossible. I can tell you that freedom will feel exhilarating and so will the moment that your parents acknowledge that they have no business interfering in your life.