Mundo Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 So I just finished an SOC (settlement officers conference) where me and my stbx agreed on the state mandated amounts for spousal and child support. I noticed a smug look on my stbx, that seemed to suggest that she just had a big accomplishment over me. It made me flash back to the many movies that depict woman cheering when they are awarded a settlement. My STBX didnt get a huge award, we have agreed n how we separate assets and debts, she was given what support currently is, which amounts to what her rent will be. During the martiage she had carte blanche to the finances. Anything she wanted was provided. So, why the smug look? I never argued that I would not pay support and that the amount would be the state mandated guideline. Dont get me wrong, I'd rather not pay spousal support but that is not an option in Cali. Is it thrilling to admit you can not support yourself and are completely reliant on someone else supporting you? That your life choices have made you in capable of being self reliant? (Choices my STBX fervently defends as her choice and no one has the right to question them) Before my stbx went back to work and I suggested she first go to school to give her a leg up, she said schools not my thing, its not for me, I just want to work. When after becoming a store manager for a high end retail store that shevwas making 60K she up and quit so her former boss wouldnt get fired. Nice gesture but WTF.... no regard for the family finances..... Those choices now mean she cant support herself , and I have to pay alimony (spousal support).... did she really accomplish something? The only thing accomplished is now neither of us will be able to give our kids the life they have been acustomed to. Great job STBX, you have now impacted our kids lives even more now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ProdigalMe Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 Vent on, Mundo. Something tells me she's just putting on a front. She put on this mask at the settlement conference. Underneath it is probably huge turmoil. The world is about to get really different for her. The companionship you once offered, and which she appeared to belittle? Gone. Witnessing the kids grow up? Gone, in part (because you get the 50% that she won't see). Like you said, she's getting California-guideline support, yet she acts like she got one over on you. That's like someone being born on third base and claiming they hit a triple. You know the old saying, "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?" Prepare yourself for this: sometimes a person gets the divorce they've been asking for and later realizes it's not what they really wanted. What if she calls you a year from now and says she misses you and wants to get back together? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 5, 2016 Share Posted April 5, 2016 Is it thrilling to admit you can not support yourself and are completely reliant on someone else supporting you? That your life choices have made you in capable of being self reliant? (Choices my STBX fervently defends as her choice and no one has the right to question them) Mundo, I'll just ask you this question - is it worth it? I gave my exW everything she wanted, certainly more than half of our assets. And while it was expensive in fiscal terms, it was worth every dime to be done with her. I'd made money up to that point and certainly had faith in my ability to make money and provide for my son thereafter. Can't put a price on happiness and peace of mind... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mundo Posted April 7, 2016 Author Share Posted April 7, 2016 Vent on, Mundo. Something tells me she's just putting on a front. She put on this mask at the settlement conference. Underneath it is probably huge turmoil. The world is about to get really different for her. The companionship you once offered, and which she appeared to belittle? Gone. Witnessing the kids grow up? Gone, in part (because you get the 50% that she won't see). Like you said, she's getting California-guideline support, yet she acts like she got one over on you. That's like someone being born on third base and claiming they hit a triple. You know the old saying, "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it?" Prepare yourself for this: sometimes a person gets the divorce they've been asking for and later realizes it's not what they really wanted. What if she calls you a year from now and says she misses you and wants to get back together? Hey PM, So there is a little more to the story that makes your question easier to answer. She is currently seeing a guy, whom she used to report to. Although she says he is just a really good friend, i highly doubt it. She used to have private lunches with him, a few dinners and since when does an admin have to work till 9pm consistently? They were around eachother so much that her coworkers commented to her about it. Would I take her back..... not now, or ever. I realize that ever is a strong word. After almost 18 years of marriage for her to throw it away with no attempt to work it out and for her to be seeing her former manager "now". Im no ones backup plan or #2. I could never forgive or forget this type of betrayal. I would never be able to trust her again. I know that I am angry and hurt by it all and I do accept that we both failed in the marriage to drive her to leave. If she truely loved me like she constantly claimed, she wouldnt have cheated because that is the ultimate betrayal, at lest in my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mundo Posted April 7, 2016 Author Share Posted April 7, 2016 Mundo, I'll just ask you this question - is it worth it? I gave my exW everything she wanted, certainly more than half of our assets. And while it was expensive in fiscal terms, it was worth every dime to be done with her. I'd made money up to that point and certainly had faith in my ability to make money and provide for my son thereafter. Can't put a price on happiness and peace of mind... Mr. Lucky Hey Mr. Lucky, Time will be the only answer to that question. Right now my only hope is that her current relationship spans and grows and she marries so the spousal support auto terminates. Finger crossed... If not, since the courts consider it a long term marriage there is no end date for spousal support.... boy the hits keep on coming.... Link to post Share on other sites
AMarriedMan Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 Hey Mr. Lucky, Time will be the only answer to that question. Right now my only hope is that her current relationship spans and grows and she marries so the spousal support auto terminates. Finger crossed... If not, since the courts consider it a long term marriage there is no end date for spousal support.... boy the hits keep on coming.... The new man in your ex-wife's life would be really foolish to marry her. Firstly, it would stop the gravy train. Secondly, he would be putting his own head on the chopping block. Lifelong alimony is a really, really retarded notion. It is completely out of touch with current reality. It is based on medieval English law requiring a nobleman to continue providing for his wife post divorce so that she, a noblewoman, would not fall into destitution. Alimony will only be abolished when enough women start suffering from it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ProdigalMe Posted April 7, 2016 Share Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) I'm no ones backup plan or #2. I could never forgive or forget this type of betrayal. I would never be able to trust her again. I know that I am angry and hurt by it all and I do accept that we both failed in the marriage to drive her to leave. If she truely loved me like she constantly claimed, she wouldnt have cheated because that is the ultimate betrayal, at lest in my mind. I feel you. These are my exact same thoughts that bounce around in my head. Speaking of betrayal, here's a nice little clip about it: and one more: Edited April 7, 2016 by ProdigalMe Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mundo Posted April 8, 2016 Author Share Posted April 8, 2016 The new man in your ex-wife's life would be really foolish to marry her. Firstly, it would stop the gravy train. Secondly, he would be putting his own head on the chopping block. Lifelong alimony is a really, really retarded notion. It is completely out of touch with current reality. It is based on medieval English law requiring a nobleman to continue providing for his wife post divorce so that she, a noblewoman, would not fall into destitution. Alimony will only be abolished when enough women start suffering from it. I completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mundo Posted April 8, 2016 Author Share Posted April 8, 2016 I feel you. These are my exact same thoughts that bounce around in my head. Speaking of betrayal, here's a nice little clip about it: and one more: Thanks PM, the godfather clips made me laugh. Goid timing, needed it. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 The new man in your ex-wife's life would be really foolish to marry her. Firstly, it would stop the gravy train. Secondly, he would be putting his own head on the chopping block. Lifelong alimony is a really, really retarded notion. It is completely out of touch with current reality. It is based on medieval English law requiring a nobleman to continue providing for his wife post divorce so that she, a noblewoman, would not fall into destitution. Alimony will only be abolished when enough women start suffering from it. Amen! As a high earning woman who has always been self-sufficient I would be damned before I ever rely on anyone to support me (and my husband is the CEO of a major corporation, don't care, still work). Alimony in general is a ridiculous notion and should never be awarded for more than a year or two, IMHO. In this day and age, no person should allow themselves to become dependent on another for more than the first few years of child raising. Much as we like to think marriage is forever, statistics show otherwise. And once a divorce happens, no one wants to continue supporting someone they no longer love or are married to. The ability to support yourself, man or woman is priceless. And, let's face it, when you marry someone, you marry them, not adopt them. You should not be responsible for them for the rest of their lives, that is just ridiculous, they are adults. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mundo Posted April 9, 2016 Author Share Posted April 9, 2016 Amen! As a high earning woman who has always been self-sufficient I would be damned before I ever rely on anyone to support me (and my husband is the CEO of a major corporation, don't care, still work). Alimony in general is a ridiculous notion and should never be awarded for more than a year or two, IMHO. In this day and age, no person should allow themselves to become dependent on another for more than the first few years of child raising. Much as we like to think marriage is forever, statistics show otherwise. And once a divorce happens, no one wants to continue supporting someone they no longer love or are married to. The ability to support yourself, man or woman is priceless. And, let's face it, when you marry someone, you marry them, not adopt them. You should not be responsible for them for the rest of their lives, that is just ridiculous, they are adults. I wish more people shared your sentiments. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted April 10, 2016 Share Posted April 10, 2016 I wish more people shared your sentiments. Ha.. I am afraid my views are not very popular among my non-working friends, but I do feel strongly about this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mundo Posted April 10, 2016 Author Share Posted April 10, 2016 Hmm.... its off topic but and really its just a vent..... My STBX filed papers on 8/28/2015 and we agreed that our seperation date is also 8/28/2015... Im starting a new job as of 4/11/2016 and as part of my offer I am recieving a sign on bonus and a hefty sum in stock. And here is the arghhh... I have been informed, via the courts, that I have to pay a percentage of my signing bonus and my stock grant in spousal and child support. No problem with child but spousal support as well????? To make it better still, I have to also pay on future bonuses and stock grants. WTF we arent even going to be married when future funds get granted. Divorce sucks already, but dang I got to pay on future bonuses and future stock grants. Rediculous beyond reason.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 Completely agree. I have a friend (woman) in the same situation. She works minimally and just relies on spousal support and future bonus money rather than getting out there and hustling on her own. Really sad. I guess having people GIVE you money and sleeping till 8 am every day is much easier than getting out there and earning your own. Blech. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 Divorce sucks already, but dang I got to pay on future bonuses and future stock grants. Dang, that seems crazy. How long were you married? How many kids still at home? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 I was bullied by my ex into giving up my six figure job in banking, so he could pursue career opportunities around the world (also in banking). So then after 10 years of being the faithful trailing spouse he left me with two small kids to look after. Im retraining now, but my earning potential is grim. Starting a new career in my 40s with two little ones Im solely responsible for, let just say no one is beating down my door. I get spousal and child support for now. Is that wrong? Because honestly, I feel like I got the crappy end of the deal financially. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 I am sorry you are in this situation . I think it is a hard lesson, unfortunately to never give up the ability to support yourself. In this world, it is just not a smart thing to do anymore, despite having someone put pressure on you to do so. I absolutely think you should receive support, but only until your retraining is over and you are able to stand on your own two feet. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 I think it is a hard lesson, unfortunately to never give up the ability to support yourself. In this world, it is just not a smart thing to do anymore, despite having someone put pressure on you to do so. Having young children makes this easier said than done. Unless you're willing to basically give them to someone else to raise, child care and the executive track don't mix. One parent (at least) has to be dedicated to home and family... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted April 11, 2016 Share Posted April 11, 2016 Having young children makes this easier said than done. Unless you're willing to basically give them to someone else to raise, child care and the executive track don't mix. One parent (at least) has to be dedicated to home and family... Mr. Lucky I don't necessarily disagree, but this is a temporary state, not many years. I have seen far too many people never go back to work, even after their children are in school full time and then wind up divorced and in undesirable financial situations. And, one does not need to be on the executive track to be able to support themself. Everything in life is a choice and comes with risk. it is still my very humble opinion that one should never give up the ability to support themselves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mundo Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) Dang, that seems crazy. How long were you married? How many kids still at home? Mr. Lucky We have been married almost 18 years. We have 4 sons, one from wifes previous marriage, but only one is still at home. Its the fact we were married for so long that its considered a long tem marriage and no end date will be listed for support. Edited April 12, 2016 by Mundo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mundo Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) I was bullied by my ex into giving up my six figure job in banking, so he could pursue career opportunities around the world (also in banking). So then after 10 years of being the faithful trailing spouse he left me with two small kids to look after. Im retraining now, but my earning potential is grim. Starting a new career in my 40s with two little ones Im solely responsible for, let just say no one is beating down my door. I get spousal and child support for now. Is that wrong? Because honestly, I feel like I got the crappy end of the deal financially. Hi thewoman, Every situation is diffrent. Yes you do deserve the support. Had I been a douche and held her back and left her, then I would say she deserves it. However, six years ago when she wanted to get back to work I asked her to go to school to add more to her backgound and give her more opportunities. Her reply, no schools not my thing i just want to go back to work. Four years later, she is managing a high end store set to clear $60-65K for the year, she quits. WTF. Reaon for quiting, the guy that hired her had moved to manage a different store, his store was closing and she did not want him to get fired so she quit. She takes a reception job and will only clear $35-39K for the year. Fast forward to Aug '15, she says she is not happy with her life, its a life she didnt want, she wants a divorce. Shes had an affair and is now seeing her former manager..... You certainly deserve support , my STBX nope. At lesst thats my oppinion. Unfortunately due to antiquated laws and no consideration for her choices (which she adimantly defends) or her lack of fidelity she is being granted spousal support, a % of all my future bonuses and stock grants. I have no problem paying child support, but the rest...... I now get to higher a forensic accountant to look over the last 5 years of our finances, so a marital standard of living is determined so that I dont over pay. $800 down the tube and I hope its worth it. Fortunately I only received a bonus in 2 of the last 5 years and my companies stock was horrible. Can you tell I'm still a bit bitter??? Edited April 12, 2016 by Mundo Link to post Share on other sites
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