Friends, boundaries, weakness

[Grapesofwrath]

His reason for contacting you is simple. It is much easier to try to reel a former AP in than it is to groom a new A with a new AP. He loves the feeling of two women in love with him. Without an A P he doesn't have that feeling

 

Nothing you could say to him would cause him to break off attempting to contact you. Ignore him entirely and he'll figure out that this A is over and done. Block whatever means of communication you can. I don't care if he emails you telling you he'll give you tomorrow's winning lottery number guaranteed to win. Nothing he says is truthful. It's only designed to reel you back in.

 

I've seen this too often. I know what he is doing. He is a man with a plan. Don't play his game. It only hurts once to rip off the bandage.

 

Bufo....this is so right on point. I haven't responded and really don't want to. No desire. As you noted, there is nothing I can say to get him to understand my position, nor do I even feel like trying. He won't get it, and any reaction from me will just feed the fire.

 

To those of you who have tried to end it and gone back, all I can say is that you weren't ready. I made that mistake, twice. I wasn't ready, but I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. This time is different. I'm ready to do it. I WANT to do it. The more he does this stuff, the more entrenched my resolve.

 

There is some part of me that hopes he moves on and starts another A. I hope that one is with a bunny boiler and the whole thing blows up in his face. (I guess I'm not at the point of indifference yet. Still angry. I'll get there, though. Just a matter of time.)

[solonely9]

His reason for contacting you is simple. It is much easier to try to reel a former AP in than it is to groom a new A with a new AP. He loves the feeling of two women in love with him. Without an A P he doesn't have that feeling

 

Nothing you could say to him would cause him to break off attempting to contact you. Ignore him entirely and he'll figure out that this A is over and done. Block whatever means of communication you can. I don't care if he emails you telling you he'll give you tomorrow's winning lottery number guaranteed to win. Nothing he says is truthful. It's only designed to reel you back in.

 

I've seen this too often. I know what he is doing. He is a man with a plan. Don't play his game. It only hurts once to rip off the bandage.

 

 

Bufo couldn't be more right. No matter what you say, he will keep on coming back. You rejecting him might even increase his attraction. If blocking doesn't work all the way for you, maybe tell him that you will expose him? Not that you will actually do it, but just to scare him away.

[privategal]

Work e:mail. He knows I can't block him that way.

 

You didnt say he emailed you, you said yesterday he texted you.

You also said he called you on a work phone that couldnt be blocked and then emailed you at a work email that couldnt be blocked and you mentioned a text.

My point being, Ive been suspecting you actually arent done.

If you were...and you told him clearly, point blank in NO uncertain terms, then ge wouldnt be reaching out in every way possible.

I suspect you might be leaving this door cracked, that it feels good to have the upper hand and have him chasing and trying. You mentioned also missing him during the sporting event.

I think this validation feels good thats he is reaching out..I think you are SAYING the right things on the boards here, but...I have a 6th sense.

You havent firmly closed that door and you are eating up his contact, its stroking your ego...strong hunch.

[gettingstronger]

We've all slid in both big and small ways in this journey-stay focused on you and remember, this relationship is going no place you want to be!

[heartwhole]

You didnt say he emailed you, you said yesterday he texted you.

You also said he called you on a work phone that couldnt be blocked and then emailed you at a work email that couldnt be blocked and you mentioned a text.

My point being, Ive been suspecting you actually arent done.

If you were...and you told him clearly, point blank in NO uncertain terms, then ge wouldnt be reaching out in every way possible.

I suspect you might be leaving this door cracked, that it feels good to have the upper hand and have him chasing and trying. You mentioned also missing him during the sporting event.

I think this validation feels good thats he is reaching out..I think you are SAYING the right things on the boards here, but...I have a 6th sense.

You havent firmly closed that door and you are eating up his contact, its stroking your ego...strong hunch.

 

I don't see anywhere where she referred to it as a text. She said "received this last night" and called it a "message" in a subsequent post.

[Grapesofwrath]

You didnt say he emailed you, you said yesterday he texted you.

You also said he called you on a work phone that couldnt be blocked and then emailed you at a work email that couldnt be blocked and you mentioned a text.

My point being, Ive been suspecting you actually arent done.

If you were...and you told him clearly, point blank in NO uncertain terms, then ge wouldnt be reaching out in every way possible.

I suspect you might be leaving this door cracked, that it feels good to have the upper hand and have him chasing and trying. You mentioned also missing him during the sporting event.

I think this validation feels good thats he is reaching out..I think you are SAYING the right things on the boards here, but...I have a 6th sense.

You havent firmly closed that door and you are eating up his contact, its stroking your ego...strong hunch.

 

Actually, I said I received it and did not specify through what means. I was not aware I needed to do so.

 

I am not a robot.. Of course it feels good to have some power in a situation that previously had me feeling so powerless. That doesn't mean I haven't closed the door.

 

I think what I am currently seeing is one of the downsides to going NC and then not following through. He knows which things get blocked and which don't. I recall after one attempt I still had his personal email blocked on my gmail. His stuff was going to spam. Once I figured out why ( and stupidly told him) I lost credibility again.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Grapesofwrath

[privategal]

Actually, I said I received it and did not specify through what means. I was not aware I needed to do so.

 

I am not a robot.. Of course it feels good to have some power in a situation that previously had me feeling so powerless. That doesn't mean I haven't closed the door.

 

I think what I am currently seeing is one of the downsides to going NC and then not following through. He knows which things get blocked and which don't. I recall after one attempt I still had his personal email blocked on my gmail. His stuff was going to spam. Once I figured out why ( and stupidly told him) I lost credibility again.

 

I actually wasnt calling you out, I was telling you friend to friend what my hunch was and giving you examples why ie getting texts, emails, calls= you have not been clear "I am moving on indefinately, this is not a break, I do not welcome ANY communication to my work, any email, or text, I'm asking you to focus on your wife and do not reach out to me at ALL in any way, the door is firmly closed and I will not return for any reason, stop contacting me".

You have somehow left it unclear and wanting this "power" and getting ego strokes and continuing the addiction are not no contact nor are they allowing you to be free from thoughts of him.

Of course you arent a robot, but do you want us to help you or do you want hugs and false support.

Your on a slippery slope, you miss him, these breadcrumbs are keeping you stuck in not healing, not making him part of your past, not able to get him out of your thoughts because you are recieving CURRENT communication.

Its impossible to put it behind you and truly move forward while this is still going on.

Im not here to attack or hurt you, Im hoping to help you.

Thats because I know first hand the pain and hurt and I want to help other people be spared of that hurt and find strength to move on for good.

Heres where I got that he texted you...you said "that a measly text can fix the situation is insulting and demeaning" and you referenced text more than once.

Its no big deal...I dont care if its smoke signals...Im saying if your truly done...stop the communicationand tell him firmly and clearly because if you do/did...it will stop.

Then you can heal and be free. Right now you arent, sorry.

Edited April 15, 2016 by privategal

[Bufo]

Grapes-- thanks for your reply. I don't know if you've seen my copyrighted (ha ha) message to others. "Whoever cares the least in a relationship has the most power.""

 

Unless he is some freakish bunny boiler, he will move on to his next victim. He could be starting in that direction now for all you know. Let him and do so with a smile on your face. He sounds like an experienced MM to me, so he won't be able to stand his life without an AP to "share" it with. And once he finds his new conquest, he won't be in touch with you at all. This annoyance will disappear faster than you think it possible. Keep,those lines of communication blocked. And send his emails to you at work directly into the trash. Unopened and unread. You surely don't want a call from IT and HR at work about your computer usage, do you?

[Grapesofwrath]

I actually wasnt calling you out, I was telling you friend to friend what my hunch was and giving you examples why ie getting texts, emails, calls= you have not been clear "I am moving on indefinately, this is not a break, I do not welcome ANY communication to my work, any email, or text, I'm asking you to focus on your wife and do not reach out to me at ALL in any way, the door is firmly closed and I will not return for any reason, stop contacting me".

You have somehow left it unclear and wanting this "power" and getting ego strokes and continuing the addiction are not no contact nor are they allowing you to be free from thoughts of him.

Of course you arent a robot, but do you want us to help you or do you want hugs and false support.

Your on a slippery slope, you miss him, these breadcrumbs are keeping you stuck in not healing, not making him part of your past, not able to get him out of your thoughts because you are recieving CURRENT communication.

Its impossible to put it behind you and truly move forward while this is still going on.

Im not here to attack or hurt you, Im hoping to help you.

Thats because I know first hand the pain and hurt and I want to help other people be spared of that hurt and find strength to move on for good.

Heres where I got that he texted you...you said "that a measly text can fix the situation is insulting and demeaning" and you referenced text more than once.

Its no big deal...I dont care if its smoke signals...Im saying if your truly done...stop the communicationand tell him firmly and clearly because if you do/did...it will stop.

Then you can heal and be free. Right now you arent, sorry.

 

Thank you for your perspective, Privategal. I know you are coming from a place of wanting to help, and I appreciate that. Perhaps we all heal in different ways, and each of us has to do it our way. I can only say for myself that I do feel free and that I am healing. I am not consumed with thoughts of him, and when he does things like this it only serves to reinforce my choice to end it.

 

It may also help to know that I have changed my career, so the work email and phone that he accesses will no longer be mine in a few weeksl I am moving forward in my life and all that goes in the past.

[Grapesofwrath]

Grapes-- thanks for your reply. I don't know if you've seen my copyrighted (ha ha) message to others. "Whoever cares the least in a relationship has the most power.""

 

Unless he is some freakish bunny boiler, he will move on to his next victim. He could be starting in that direction now for all you know. Let him and do so with a smile on your face. He sounds like an experienced MM to me, so he won't be able to stand his life without an AP to "share" it with. And once he finds his new conquest, he won't be in touch with you at all. This annoyance will disappear faster than you think it possible. Keep,those lines of communication blocked. And send his emails to you at work directly into the trash. Unopened and unread. You surely don't want a call from IT and HR at work about your computer usage, do you?

 

Yes, Bufo. I have seen it and it comes into my thoughts regularly.

 

You are right, of course. For all I know, he was with some other women during the A as well. How would I ever know or trust him to give an honest answer? In the final analysis, it is not my place to ask him or hold him to that standard and his continued serial cheating is not my problem. In fact, it's one of the things that makes it easier to walk away.

 

Good idea about the work emails. As mentioned above, I am changing jobs soon and those will be shut down. So might as well start deleting and moving things to spam now.