BadBrainNoBiscuit Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 This is going to seem like a really stupid question, but how do I keep my subconscious from making all kinds of far-flung schemes involving my girlfriend? She's the first girlfriend I've had. We've only been together a couple of months, but things like marrying her have already crossed my mind. Now granted, I'm from a rather traditional family where the idea is that you shouldn't seriously date anyone you wouldn't at least consider eventually marrying, but I'm worried that this is coming up in my mind too soon. I'm not making plans on when and how to propose to her or anything, but these days whenever I think of getting/being married in concept (and it's something that gets thrown in your face surprisingly often), my mind sticks in my girlfriend where there used to be that dotted cutout with the question mark. Is this normal? How do I keep myself from thinking about this stuff too quickly? I want to enjoy our relationship <i>now,</i> as it is right at this moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Slapshot2286 Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Well, I would not advise to try and suppress these thoughts. You really like the girl. I was thinking about marrying my girlfriend after a few months. I never said anything, but eventually it came out, and to my surprise, she had been thinking about it just about as much as me, and to the same depth. Something to think about though....these thoughts may just be because she's your first girlfriend. You're really excited about this girl, and you can't (At this point) picture yourself with anyone else. Marriage is a nice fantasy. Feel it out, and see where it goes. Don't suppress your thoughts. When you feel like the time is right, tell her how you feel, and you might be surprised to hear she's feeling the same. Link to post Share on other sites
BadBrainNoBiscuit Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 You might be right about the "can't see myself with anyone else" bit. On thinking about it, I've realized that thinking of marrying her is the logical conclusion of my background. Naturally I want things to go well with her, and for it to last a long time, and if things go well for a long time and keep going well, marriage comes into play according to my upbringing. So yes, basically what I'm thinking is that I would like to eventually marry this girl if things work out that way. But I'm worried because I don't want to repeat other people's mistakes. My brother jumped into a marriage before anyone thought he was really ready for it (partly because he'd gotten her pregnant) and now they're miserable. It's obvious that they hadn't gotten to know each other well enough yet. So I'm very keen on getting to know my gf very well before seriously considering anything, but how do I maintain an objective standpoint for getting to know her while "I'd like to eventually marry her" keeps running through my mind? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Don't say anything (all you can do at this point is scare her off). And get your brain under your control (she's the first g/f, she hasn't been around nearly long enough to prove that she's worthy of your permanance).. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 There's no harm in thinking about it but pay attention to what Cecelius said: she hasn't been around nearly long enough to prove that she's worthy of your permanance Realize that you CANNOT possibly know enough about someone to decide that you want to marry that person until you've known her a long time (I think a year is minimum) and have spent a LOT of time with her. It's natural to find things you like about someone first and it's natural for you both to be on your best behaviour - each showing your best side. It's when you've spent enough time together to start to relax and let the cracks show that you figure out whether you can live with that person or not. So when your brain says 'I think this is the one' tell it 'we still don't have enough information to make that decision'. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by BadBrainNoBiscuit This is going to seem like a really stupid question, but how do I keep my subconscious from making all kinds of far-flung schemes involving my girlfriend? Easy. Wait 'til she dumps you. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Tsk tsk, Westernexer. Don't be mean BadBrainNoBiscuit, may I ask how old you are? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken Tsk tsk, Westernexer. Don't be mean. No sugarcoating on my end, just a brutally honest opinion. In fact, he's cruising for a bruising. I was young once, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer No sugarcoating on my end, just a brutally honest opinion. In fact, he's cruising for a bruising. I was young once, too. Yeah, with all this marriage talk, he can't possibly have been treating her as badly as he should be. That is something of a joke, but there is a kernel of truth. Assuming your g/f is as young as you probably are, she is primarily in a feeling stage of life (and there is nothing wrong with that). When she stops being emotional over you (bored, sees someone else, new job, friends start affecting her way of thnking, graduate from school, whatever) you are done for. Once you have been attained, you are old news. It doesn't need to be bleak, just make sure there's plenty of you in your life. Hang out with your friends, do cool things apart from her, whatever. Continue to be a challenge. Put up with NO BS. The more interesting you are to yourself, the less time you can allocate to her, the more long term things will be for the two of you. Make her feel. That is your only job right now. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer No sugarcoating on my end, just a brutally honest opinion. In fact, he's cruising for a bruising. I was young once, too. True, there might be some naïveté there, but take it easy on the kiddies. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 The better prepared he is now, the better off he'll be when it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer The better prepared he is now, the better off he'll be when it happens. Oh yes, because a self-fulfilling prophecy is soooo much better than expecting the best outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 You hope for the best, expect the worst. Besides, getting knocked down is the only way to really learn something meaningful. He'll appreciate it, let me tell you. If only someone was this honest with me back in the day. Most women, like yourself, hate to acknowledge this, mostly because it's true. And don't call it a prophecy... it's just a transition. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer You hope for the best, expect the worst. A more positive attitude with regards to relationships would be to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Meaning, make sure you aren't totally dependent on the other person for your happiness, because even in the best relationships, death is inevitable. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken A more positive attitude with regards to relationships would be to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Same goddamn thing, semantics aside. Link to post Share on other sites
Slapshot2286 Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by Slapshot2286 Well, I would not advise to try and suppress these thoughts. You really like the girl. I was thinking about marrying my girlfriend after a few months. I never said anything, but eventually it came out, and to my surprise, she had been thinking about it just about as much as me, and to the same depth. Something to think about though....these thoughts may just be because she's your first girlfriend. You're really excited about this girl, and you can't (At this point) picture yourself with anyone else. Marriage is a nice fantasy. Feel it out, and see where it goes. Don't suppress your thoughts. When you feel like the time is right, tell her how you feel, and you might be surprised to hear she's feeling the same. Let me tell you something. While it is wise to be wary of others' mistakes, YOU ARE NOT OTHER PEOPLE. You are you. You and her and your relationship are unique. If you don't want to fall into others' mistakes, do not let yourself be a statistic. Be dedicated to making your relationship different. I agree with everyone else though. While it is nice to have thoughts of marriage, you can't possibly REALLY know at this point whether she's the right one. I honestly believe the feelings you are encountering are simply puppy love. Give it time and you can see for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
BadBrainNoBiscuit Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Well, half of you seem to have missed the point of this and posted basically what I was already thinking, that I'm unconsciously planning way too far ahead. And get your brain under your controlThanks. How? That's my question. Link to post Share on other sites
BadBrainNoBiscuit Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 And for that matter, you guys are overestimating how often and how seriously I think about this. Slapshot's got it about right. I'm not obsessing about marriage on a daily basis, and I'm not actually working on any designs toward this. It's just that when it does come up in my mind, it's freaking me out because I think it's far too early to be thinking about that. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 18, 2005 Share Posted June 18, 2005 Originally posted by BadBrainNoBiscuit . It's just that when it does come up in my mind, it's freaking me out because I think it's far too early to be thinking about that. Don't worry about it. Just because you're thinking about it doesn't mean that it's too soon. Take it as a good sign....that you feel that this woman you are dating has long-term potential, and that is a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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