this just happened

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katie sorry I said 7 in reconciliation for you... My apology

 

I think understand 50 was congratulating you on 30 years of marriage! And that is fantastic!!!

 

Who... It might work for you... And if you both agree that's great.

 

But John would be very uncomfortable if I did gno's. And to be very honest ... I have less than zero desire to go on any trips with any one other than John.

 

He's my best friend... And spending time with him is all I desire.

 

Our kids are grown and our time together ahead is much shorter than the time behind us. I cherish every moment we have together. He travels a great deal so when he is home it is our time.

 

You are young... You are from a different generation. Our daughter goes on gno's ... She is 36...and everytime she does... I see how her father disapproves.

 

No thanks.. Not worth it to me to go out drinking with girls.

[amaysngrace]

No, not necessarily. I'm a WW that goes on girl trips & my H encourages it so I can get a break (I have kids still at home).

 

We both go on a family vacation a year & each take a friend trip. It works for us.

 

I guess every couple is different.

 

I'm glad you both get a healthy dose of alone time.

[OneLov]

We have some unhealthy fighting habits, mostly due to frustration. It makes me think why even bother bringing anything up... it's not going to go well..

 

Do not know what was said, but I imagine it can be frustrating because you probably feel that he should be more aware of how sending emoticons makes you feel even if they're sent innocently. I'm guessing when you expressed your feelings, he got defensive and took the position of "what's wrong with sending an innocent emoticon? Don't you trust me?"

 

Maybe in future say something like, "I know your intent in sending emoticons to a coworker is innocent and was not to hurt me; however, you really must understand the instant anxiety and uneasiness this causes me. Please do not send any emoticons to anyone."

 

By preempting your statement and making it about you and not him, I believe he would be less defensive since you're making it clear it is the act of sending anyone (man or woman) the emoticons is what you have issue with and not your trust in him in this particular situation.

 

But I'm sorry if this doesn't help since most of this post is assumption on my part.

Edited February 17, 2016 by OneLov

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee...

 

Your post got me to thinking today about a lot of things...

 

And something I realized... The anniversary of d day slipped by... Not unnoticed... But it was insignificant enough to me that I forgot to add a year... It has been 33 years for us not 32.

 

I hope and pray that is progress.

 

Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest impact right?

 

I sure am happy for you today... I keep humming that song happy... You made my morning girl!

[katielee]

Do not know what was said, but I imagine it can be frustrating because you probably feel that he should be more aware of how sending emoticons makes you feel even if they're sent innocently. I'm guessing when you expressed your feelings, he got defensive and took the position of "what's wrong with sending an innocent emoticon? Don't you trust me?"

 

Maybe in future say something like, "I know your intent in sending emoticons to a coworker is innocent and was not to hurt me; however, you really must understand the instant anxiety and uneasiness this causes me. Please do not send any emoticons to anyone."

 

By preempting your statement and making it about you and not him, I believe he would be less defensive since you're making it clear it is the act of sending anyone (man or woman) the emoticons is what you have issue with and not your trust in him in this particular situation.

 

But I'm sorry if this doesn't help since most of this post is assumption on my part.

 

no assumption. that was about it. but I came at it like "please protect yourself at work. she might misinterpret it. " And I thought we were ok that night but the next morning I got the silent treatment and it spiraled into a bunch of stuff that was from our past. It stewed into the negative thinking that accompanies this and gets bundled together. That said, I'm glad I brought it up.

 

I'm glad you made it past DDay without noticing Mrs JA! yeah, I read that wrong what understand said... duh.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's ok... I made a mistake too.

Sometimes it's hard to keep it all straight around here.

 

I am sorry you had your little fight...but maybe it impacted him enough to be more sharing after his ic.

 

John and I do not fight so I cannot really relate to this part of your life.

[Whoknew30]

I guess every couple is different.

 

I'm glad you both get a healthy dose of alone time.

 

Every situation is different. My friends have been my friends since early childhood, they're considered more family, so my H (any of our H) would never be upset about any plans we make together. We come 4 in a package, when they married one of us, they knew they automatically got the other 3 too .

[merrmeade]

I'm impressed and envious. Good for both of you.

[basil67]

Mr Lucky and I are on the same wavelength here. I was also struck by you having a fight over him sending a smiley emoticon to a workmate. And I saw that in your reply, you commented about fights coming with baggage and making rules.

 

But I have to go back to the fight itself and how important the subject matter is. Now, short of the emoticon being in response to a female co-worker offering him sex or similar, I can't begin to imagine why you'd be upset and more so, why you'd mention it to him.

 

Happiness truly is about not sweating the small stuff. And unless there's a whole lot which I don't know, this is a classic example of a conversation which didn't need to happen - let alone a fight which didn't need to happen.

 

We really need to save comments about our partner's behaviour for the REALLY IMPORTANT things, and just shake off everything else.

[Whoknew30]

Katielee...do you still work? Sorry if you've answered that before but I'm curious.

 

 

<content added due to mis-merging of posts downthread>

 

yes' date=' I am a teacher[/quote']

 

Well that's good. I know when I wasn't working (before my son) & I had a lot of time to think about things, it was much harder than when I was busy. That's why I was wondering.

 

Though it's got to be a little tough to transition when the kids are permanently out of the house while dealing with reconciliation bc it's just you two. We had a young child & a new pregnacy when we were going through ours, which I think made it a bit easier.

 

<end moderation edit>

Edited February 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added content due to mismerge of posts downthread

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee sent me the e mail with the smileyface....and while it did seem innocent to me...it also contained a sentence that i felt could be misconstrued by the recipient.

 

Was the email over the line? no.... But for a cheater....it was indeed inappropriate for the boundaries that he and katielee have set.

 

We cannot help what triggers us.....and in this case it triggered her. Should she have discussed it with him? yes Should it have become an argument? no

 

If a spouse triggers...our reaction should be to help to make them comfortable....not to become confrontational.

 

I come to her defense in this case....he was wrong....absolutely wrong.

[katielee]

 

But I have to go back to the fight itself and how important the subject matter is. Now, short of the emoticon being in response to a female co-worker offering him sex or similar, I can't begin to imagine why you'd be upset and more so, why you'd mention it to him.

 

Happiness truly is about not sweating the small stuff. And unless there's a whole lot which I don't know, this is a classic example of a conversation which didn't need to happen - let alone a fight which didn't need to happen.

 

We really need to save comments about our partner's behaviour for the REALLY IMPORTANT things, and just shake off everything else.

 

I don't know that I agree with this. We SHOULD be able to bring up anything to partners. There is a lot I DON'T bring up. For instance, he sent a picture of himself to a female employee and although I know it was innocent, had her husband been walking by and saw it or if she misinterrpreted it, it could be a problem. So, just be careful about putting yourself in that position. I just wanted to have a conversation about protecting US and HIM, and I think it was the right thing to do.

He has come to me and said he is uncomfortable riding with someone or doesn't think what I'm wearing is professional and we have a calm conversation about these things. We SHOULD be able to do this.

If you can't begin to imagine WHY I'd be upset by this then know that texting started his first affair. He told me to never underestimate the power of a text.

My intent was not to accuse but to point out that we need to take care of us.

[katielee]

Katielee...do you still work? Sorry if you've answered that before but I'm curious.

 

yes, I am a teacher.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Katielee...you are right

 

We should be able to discuss anything with our spouse....ANYTHING.... and the reaction should not be anger.

 

I know that this is an area that the two of you struggle in....but i also was very impressed that this week you did make progress.

 

Baby steps...one day at a time love.

[soleilesquire]

My mom always said that thoughts are like birds. We cannot control which ones fly above our heads, but we CAN control which ones we allow to make a nest there.

 

If you and he have both changed, stopped cheating, committed to reconciliation, and years have past, then, quite simply, it's time to stop defining yourselves and your marriage by the affair. It's time to stop describing it in terms of BC/AD being before affairs and after affairs.

 

Forums and relationship sites are great, but I think sometimes they just serve to solidify us into a one-dimensional, frozen in time role/label. If your primary descriptor anywhere is "WW" after that many years...that is a stinking thinking problem.

 

The affair is part of the tapestry of the past. Stop making it the focus. And yes, if the choices one is making NOW revolve around an affair years ago, then it IS the focus.

[katielee]

My mom always said that thoughts are like birds. We cannot control which ones fly above our heads, but we CAN control which ones we allow to make a nest there.

 

If you and he have both changed, stopped cheating, committed to reconciliation, and years have past, then, quite simply, it's time to stop defining yourselves and your marriage by the affair. It's time to stop describing it in terms of BC/AD being before affairs and after affairs.

 

Forums and relationship sites are great, but I think sometimes they just serve to solidify us into a one-dimensional, frozen in time role/label. If your primary descriptor anywhere is "WW" after that many years...that is a stinking thinking problem.

 

The affair is part of the tapestry of the past. Stop making it the focus. And yes, if the choices one is making NOW revolve around an affair years ago, then it IS the focus.

 

I disagree with this. I will forever try to take care of us, or at least my side so that it causes him the least amount of anxiety.

I actually identify myself as a former wayward wife, emphasis on former, and I'm very proud of how much I've grown since then, healed my broken ways, and become a safer partner for him.

Relationships take constant care and watering.

[Mrs. John Adams]

you know....the elephant can be moved from the house to the yard.....but it still lives in the home.

 

When both of you have cheated....it doubles the size of the elephant.

 

Agreed you should not make the elephant the focal point of the relationship....but to deny it's existence is ridiculous. The marriage is not defined by an affair....but the affair is still part of the relationship.

 

Even 33 years later........

 

I agree 100% with you Katielee

[soleilesquire]

I will forever try to take care of us

That is what all married couples should do.

 

And there is a rational middle ground between feeding the elephant and denying its existence. Extremes are rarely the way to go.

Edited February 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member states content isn't theirs. Content redacted pending review

[Mrs. John Adams]

Dwelling on and analyzing things to death is a problem for everyone involved in infidelity ... Too much? That's a problem.

 

But you cannot help triggering... It happens all on its own accord.. You never know when it might hit.

 

I can honestly see that his e mail would cause a huge trigger. He already warned you that e mails and smileys can lead to cheating.

 

You were right to express concern .... That's not feeding the elephant.. That's making sure he is still staked in the yard and not coming back into the house.

[turnera]

I disagree with this. I will forever try to take care of us, or at least my side so that it causes him the least amount of anxiety.

I actually identify myself as a former wayward wife, emphasis on former, and I'm very proud of how much I've grown since then, healed my broken ways, and become a safer partner for him.

Relationships take constant care and watering.

I don't think that was what soleil was saying. I think the point was to start looking at every day as a new start - there's that elusive happiness - instead of X days past affair. Stop letting the cheating define you, so that you can reach for days when it doesn't come up, and then weeks, and then months...

[Mrs. John Adams]

Where in all of what she said ... Does she say the affair defines her?

 

And yes each day is a new day... But that day comes with a scar of reminder. You look in the mirror and you see the scar.. It grows more faint with each passing day. You can cover it up with makeup.. But the reality is... The scar is still there. Not just his affair... But her own.

 

33 years... I see the scar... It doesn't define me... I am not defined as the woman with the scar... That's not who I am. But I am a woman who HAS a scar...

[ShatteredLady]

Do you think women carry more scars than men? H says its guilt & more guilt but that's not the same. I feel like I wear the scars but I don't know what I did to get them.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Do you think women carry more scars than men? H says its guilt & more guilt but that's not the same. I feel like I wear the scars but I don't know what I did to get them.

 

SL...your marriage is scarred by your husbands infidelities....but you as an individual are not scarred my love. You did nothing wrong. Stop trying to carry his guilt for him. Place the blame where the blame belongs and stop giving him a pass. Your husband...has absolutely no idea what he has done to you...none. You know what I think about your unremorseful husband......we have discussed it many times.

 

No...I don't think woman carry more scars than men...but i certainly think some cheaters don't give a damn about the damage they have done to cause the scars.

[William]

Folks, we've pulled some posts because we have a few moderated members posting here and I may have merged a couple of posts in error, attributing content to members who didn't offer that content. We've been in contact with the members and once it's sorted, any topical content will be returned to the forum.

 

My apologies for the inconvenience and please continue posting to the stated topic of how to get happier when reconciling a marriage from a past affair. Thanks!

[soleilesquire]

I have a rather large scar from a cancer surgery. I will always be a cancer survivor. But I don't always notice the scar when I undress. I don't cringe every time a walk for life commercial comes on. If I have pain in that area of my body, I do not go to Google to try to figure out if it means the cancer is back (I have regular check ups for that). If I were in a cancer support group meeting, of course I would talk about my cancer. But in everyday life, I do not talk about it because it is part of the past.

 

I guess maybe forums are the same. Maybe people who identify almost exclusively as FWS or BS on forums do not do that in every day life and in every day of their marital relationships. A forum probably isn't a true representation of what people spend the majority of their everyday time thinking about.

 

Technically I am "in remission." That is a little different from "cured." However, I do not have cancer today, so I do not choose to think about the "it will always be there" side of in remission. Because that WILL keep me from moving forward.