this just happened

[understand50]

I would really like to have a new thread on this but...

 

I think he called a divorce lawyer yesterday. Left a message, said to disregard it later and then they talked for several minutes...

I don't know what I did wrong except call him on his *****.

 

OK, so he is on the fence and at a breaking point. You can call a lawyer, or you can go talk to him, before the "others" from outside your marriage, carve up what you two have.

 

I think you both need a long talk, and you both need to compromise. I really wish you luck, and hope for the best outcome you want in all this, but things may now be out of your control.

 

As always I wish you luck......

[katielee]

we're going to MC next week.

what we want is different. I think we've both compromised a lot.

[ladydesigner]

I'm so very tired of this crap.

Hubby came home and said he was late because he stopped at the "Expo." this is the place where he met OW2 and that she helps put together. He saw my friend there, said hi, did a ribbon cutting and left.

 

I said, but.... why did you even go there? You know she would probably be there? He said he didn't see anyone and he did the ribbon cutting and left.

 

I said but you know how triggery that is for me. You haven't gone to that in three years. He said but there there was a ribbon cutting and there are certain things I have to do for my job. (You can imagine how THAT made me feel.) He said he went in, made an appearance and left. I said ok, why didn't we talk about this BEFORE you went. I saidIf I went to a conference where I met OM that I knew he put together and told you after the fact, wouldn't you be pissed. He said yes, he would have been pissed.

 

Then, we went on about how he isn't doing all the business events he's supposed to and how some are for just the bankers and not the spouses and is he supposed to tell me everything? I said I don't care where you go except 1) if there is alcohol in mixed company. 2) if either OW has been known to be at an event. THen we should TALK about it before hand.

 

I'm freaking livid. The begging for forgiveness (which he never really did) instead of asking for permission (could we just have a talk about it?).

FML.

 

 

I feel.. manipulated. pissed. told him I'm tired of doing all the work in the marriage. He said don't you think it's sad that you can never go to a hotel with your girlfriends or stay overnight at a conference? I said no. That is NO SKIN off my back. He said it was sad that I couldn't go. ... trying to make some point I guess. Totally lost on the fact that I didn't have an affair at a hotel, I was freaking raped.

 

I don't know what to do. Royally pissed. How does someone THINK THAT GOING TO THE EXPO WOULD BE OK! Without us talking about it!

 

I can't believe I missed this (((Katielee))). Damnit I am so mad at your WH. Like me we deserve better than this and I completely understand your frustration and disappointment in him. Grrrr I don't have much else to offer but a hug and I wish I could take you out for a drink and talk some sh*t about these idiots.

 

Big hugs to you today we are here for you!

[ladydesigner]

we're going to MC next week.

what we want is different. I think we've both compromised a lot.

 

Same here and I'm not compromising in my M anymore. My WH has only put enough into this M to keep me placated but it isn't going to work forever. His old behaviors always come back because he does not think he needs help. My WH is white knuckling it for sure!

[ladydesigner]

I would really like to have a new thread on this but...

 

I think he called a divorce lawyer yesterday. Left a message, said to disregard it later and then they talked for several minutes...

I don't know what I did wrong except call him on his *****.

 

What an a**. These WS's don't like being called out on their crap, well it's just too damn bad. Keep taking care of you Katie!

[xxoo]

I would really like to have a new thread on this but...

 

I think he called a divorce lawyer yesterday. Left a message, said to disregard it later and then they talked for several minutes...

I don't know what I did wrong except call him on his *****.

 

It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It may mean that the marriage isn't "right" for him anymore. I think he was insinuating that when he asked if you thought it was sad that you couldn't go away with your friends. You don't think it's sad, but he does think it's sad that you both are living with these limitations and rules. Thus, he rebelled.

 

I'm sorry it's gotten bad, katie. Any clarity to come from MC would be a good thing, regardless of whether it means you stay together or split.

[Mrs. John Adams]

What an a**. These WS's don't like being called out on their crap, well it's just too damn bad. Keep taking care of you Katie!

 

You have to remember that Katielee cheated first....he had a revenge affair twice that did not involve intercourse.

 

While I would agree he has not done his share ...we have to also remember that she started this train wreck....and he may have reached a place that says it is time to quit....I cannot get past it.

 

I don't know Katielee's husband...but I do know mine....and our situations are similar.

[katielee]

It's ok if he can't get past what I did. I understand. Could we just talk about it? Could he let me know?

[ladydesigner]

You have to remember that Katielee cheated first....he had a revenge affair twice that did not involve intercourse.

 

While I would agree he has not done his share ...we have to also remember that she started this train wreck....and he may have reached a place that says it is time to quit....I cannot get past it.

 

I don't know Katielee's husband...but I do know mine....and our situations are similar.

 

I understand what you are saying Mrs. Adams and I agree but I don't like that he up and called a D attorney because he did not like katie's reaction to what he did and I think what he did qualifies as wayward behavior. I haven't read any wayward tendencies from katie I think she owns 100% of what she did, now her WH needs to do the same.

[understand50]

It's ok if he can't get past what I did. I understand. Could we just talk about it? Could he let me know?

 

Well,Maybe,

 

You need to let him talk about it, and not bring up his EA's. I think in some ways you use them to shield yourself from the full force of what you did. You are just human, this is natural, but is you want to keep your marriage, it maybe time to open up and let all the cards hit the table. Have you showed and lived full remorse. Again, you can only control yourself, and I hope what is best for you. One way to stop this divorce train, is to say I am sorry. I am sorry for my short coming in our marriage, and for all the pain I have caused you.

 

Katielee, I think in the end, you must forgive your husband, as he must forgive you. Once this is done, you both can build a new relationship. I like John Adams sentence in another thread.

 

"You do as the BS have to forgive, but what is forgiveness? Per the bible, it is if it never happened. Well, I am capable of that ever happening. I think the forgiveness is learning and not letting the transgression rule your life. Also the WS has to learn remorse. Again, a difficult thing to define. It is not sobbing and saying you are sorry, it is understanding in the depths of your soul what you did to the person you love. "

 

And Abigail's, post sums this up well from a WS point of View.

 

" But if he approaches me in love and compassion...I open my heart and do my very best to be understanding and compassionate in return.

 

Reconciliation takes a lifetime...and we learn something new everyday. We have reached a place of comfort...and even saying that is a little scary. We have lived a lifetime of being guarded...."

 

Look you both have hurt each other, time to set this both aside and get on to loving each other and living. Maybe the question to ask yourself: "Have I done all I can to show remorse and compassion for the man I love?" If not, then let him know and work to do so in your own way.

 

As always I wish you luck, and hope for the best for you.

[katielee]

Well,Maybe,

 

You need to let him talk about it, and not bring up his EA's. I think in some ways you use them to shield yourself from the full force of what you did. You are just human, this is natural, but is you want to keep your marriage, it maybe time to open up and let all the cards hit the table. Have you showed and lived full remorse. Again, you can only control yourself, and I hope what is best for you. One way to stop this divorce train, is to say I am sorry. I am sorry for my short coming in our marriage, and for all the pain I have caused you.

 

Katielee, I think in the end, you must forgive your husband, as he must forgive you. Once this is done, you both can build a new relationship. I like John Adams sentence in another thread.

 

"You do as the BS have to forgive, but what is forgiveness? Per the bible, it is if it never happened. Well, I am capable of that ever happening. I think the forgiveness is learning and not letting the transgression rule your life. Also the WS has to learn remorse. Again, a difficult thing to define. It is not sobbing and saying you are sorry, it is understanding in the depths of your soul what you did to the person you love. "

 

And Abigail's, post sums this up well from a WS point of View.

 

" But if he approaches me in love and compassion...I open my heart and do my very best to be understanding and compassionate in return.

 

Reconciliation takes a lifetime...and we learn something new everyday. We have reached a place of comfort...and even saying that is a little scary. We have lived a lifetime of being guarded...."

 

Look you both have hurt each other, time to set this both aside and get on to loving each other and living. Maybe the question to ask yourself: "Have I done all I can to show remorse and compassion for the man I love?" If not, then let him know and work to do so in your own way.

 

As always I wish you luck, and hope for the best for you.

 

Understand - I do NOT bring up his EA. I'm only concerned about what is happening now. After we talked when I was upset about him going to the event he said he was sorry for what he did in the past. I said he doesn't have to apologize anymore for that. Then I said I was sorry.

[xxoo]

It's ok if he can't get past what I did. I understand. Could we just talk about it? Could he let me know?

 

I don't think you'd like what he has to say, and he knows that. So he doesn't say it and just does what he wants instead. That's a common M.O. in marriages, not just those with infidelity. Conflict avoidance.

 

If he's said, "I'm going to this EXPO, you ok with that?" he knows that the answer would be "no". Because he knows you're not ok with that. At the same time, he's going. He feel he needs to go for his career. So...impasse? What is the point of talking about it?

 

Of course, the talk should be had, and the conflict revealed. But it's human nature to avoid.

[katielee]

I don't think you'd like what he has to say, and he knows that. So he doesn't say it and just does what he wants instead. That's a common M.O. in marriages, not just those with infidelity. Conflict avoidance.

 

If he's said, "I'm going to this EXPO, you ok with that?" he knows that the answer would be "no". Because he knows you're not ok with that. At the same time, he's going. He feel he needs to go for his career. So...impasse? What is the point of talking about it?

 

Of course, the talk should be had, and the conflict revealed. But it's human nature to avoid.

 

I mean talk about being done or not being able to get past what I did.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I too would be tired of the circular conversations/expectations. One eventually gets to the point of what's the point.

 

Only you can decide if there is no longer a point.

[jasmineb]

I do not hold with the idea that you should accept whatever he does or says because you did X first. I understand that some men cannot, in the end, take complete responsibility for what they CHOOSE to do or how they CHOOSE to deal with being broken. How far back in our histories will the "I would not have B if you had not A" do we go in this case?

 

If he cannot get past your affair then his job is to step up and live inside that value. But to say that you should accept him doing things that he does know will trigger you because "you started it" is not acceptable in my opinion.

 

There are many things that we think we "must" do that we really do not have to do. If he needs to attend a certain number of events, then he needs to choose those that will not involve the OW.

[road]

You have to remember that Katielee cheated first....he had a revenge affair twice that did not involve intercourse.

 

While I would agree he has not done his share ...we have to also remember that she started this train wreck....and he may have reached a place that says it is time to quit....I cannot get past it.

 

I don't know Katielee's husband...but I do know mine....and our situations are similar.

 

It's ok if he can't get past what I did. I understand. Could we just talk about it? Could he let me know?

 

 

A BH having a RA is never going to repair the damage from the WW's original affair.

 

 

It is evident that the necessary recovery work is not being done.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree that katielee's husband has not carried his weight...

 

I seem to recall Katielee contacting a lawyer herself twice without her husbands knowledge as well.

 

It never hurts to know your rights....even if divorce is not on the table.

[katielee]

He has every right to contact a lawyer. I just don't know why.

 

I first contacted a lawyer the day after I caught him with OW2.

Second time, the day of broken NC with her. I think those a pretty good reasons. And he knows about it.

 

But I guess everyone has their reasons for when they reach the brink or need to prepare.

Edited April 9, 2016 by katielee

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are assuming he contacted a lawyer about divorce.....he may have been contacting a lawyer for another reason.

 

I guess if it were me....I would ask about it...but that's who I am...not saying it is right or wrong.

 

I am a straight shooter and I don't play games. If I have a problem or an issue....I ask about it.

 

You and your husband have been in a good place.....maybe this new episode made him think it was not as good as he thought...just like it has for you.

 

I hate when you are worried and uncomfortable...it makes me sad for you.

[katielee]

MC tomorrow night - for the first time in 1.5 years. He had IC today, just said he told her about us going in to MC, but said no more.

Nervous. Tired. Things ok between us. I need to get good at being ok with uncertainty. I need to be ok not hanging my hat on this relationship.

[ShatteredLady]

Katie. Do you think this is even possible "I need to be ok not hanging my hat on this relationship."? Isn't that what marriage is all about? I know in my particular situation I'm rather dependent but I've always cherished the safety, security & certainty of marriage. Without it what's the point?

[katielee]

SL - I need to change my attitude. If someone divorces me because they can't handle my triggers why the heck would I want to be married to them anyway!? Ya know!

[xxoo]

Katie. Do you think this is even possible "I need to be ok not hanging my hat on this relationship."? Isn't that what marriage is all about? I know in my particular situation I'm rather dependent but I've always cherished the safety, security & certainty of marriage. Without it what's the point?

 

She has to be ok with letting it go to truly choose the relationship.

[ShatteredLady]

I do know. I've been telling myself that everything will be ok when we're in England because if he leaves or if I leave it will be ok. I've got somewhere to go, family & friends to lean on etc. but recently I'm worried that holding onto the idea of divorce is slowing our reconciliation....

 

....but then I think "what reconciliation?" We don't even talk about it!

 

Maybe it good to hope for the best ® & plan for the worst (D)?

 

I already decided to 'choose' him 20 years ago! I love him. I want my little family.

 

To be honest I don't want to sell our dream house. Move from this fantastic school area that takes great care of my kids & their needs. The USA which has been my home for so long. I don't want to sell all of OUR 'stuff' that holds a lifetime of memories. I'm terrified but I have no choice because I'm not safe. I'm way too vulnerable here.

 

I have no choice.

 

I have no choice because I have no faith. Having no faith means I can't feel safe, secure, protected. For me marriage is about those things. If it's not real forever love, forever family what am I getting that I wouldn't get more of living a different life?

 

I do know Katie. I just hate it.

[MuddyFootprints]

Divorce hasn't ever been off the table for you.

 

Neither one of you has both feet in this marriage, as far as I can tell.

 

It's unfortunate. Despite your history, you love each other and have a family legacy to cherish and to grow.

 

MC is going to be challenging for both of you.