My ex is my best friend and it's eating me up inside [update 2016-06-15]

[Zahara]

Thanks zahara. I will do that. But I don't agree with one of your points--I don't think he has been that clear. He said he never wanted to date me a while back, then completely backtracked and said he would. He then repeatedly said he really wanted to spend time with me, then did, (and suggested we meet up again), then made it clear again that any "exclusivity" was out of the question.

 

You're trying to comb through every word that he said with a fine tooth comb because you're looking for some bit of hope, some open door. When someone isn't giving you a clear answer -- that's your answer. He either wants to be with you or he does not. Anything in between isn't reliable nor should you be sitting waiting around for him to provide you any sort of clarity or decision.

 

So yeah, I guess apart from the backtracking, he's been relatively clear that he can't/won't commit, but I think emotionally he's actually been very unclear. If he weren't interested he'd just sod off; he wouldn't tell me all his problems and complain that our relationship isn't deep enough and want to spend the night and tell me how much he cares about me blahblah.

 

All that means nothing. You're an emotional fallback. Something that's convenient for now. Someone that's familiar and comfortable. Just because someone hangs around and has sex and blurts out words in the moment doesn't mean anything. There is no follow-up to that other than someone just bouncing in and out when he needs attention, an ego boost, someone to lean on, have sex with, etc. It's all very clear. It's unclear to you because you think it means something.

 

I'm not particularly bothered by being single, I know I can eventually find someone good; it's the emotional push and pull/tug of war with him that I've found so upsetting. I've found most guys are pretty black and white; they either want something or they don't at all. I've never met a guy who wants to spend an hour a day pouring out his heart to a girl/snapchatting/messaging a girl whom he's attracted to but stay resolutely 'uncommitted' to anyone.

 

I've been with guys like your ex. They exist. And trust from experience, when a guy is telling you he wants to be uncommitted, he wants to be uncommitted to you. He's just saying the words so you'll shut up about your wants and allow him to manage your expectations while he gets whatever he needs from you. But trust the next woman that tickles his fancy, he'll be right there with her.

 

Now I feel bad blocking him off Facebook in case it upsets him.. wth is wrong with me. Do I warn him or just block him without any further notice?

 

Which is your priority -- your healing and moving on or what upsets him? You can warn him but you need to block him moving forward -- from calling you, texting you, smoke signaling you, etc. Not just on FB. You can send your warning or last words and then block. If you don't block he will rope you back again into leaving the door open.

Edited April 28, 2016 by Zahara

[ExpatInItaly]

It's time to really let this man go. He's been clear he doesn't want to commit to you in any way and as other posters have said, this is about preserving your sanity now. To heck with what he thinks or who has the upper-hand. It's just not important at all.

 

There are plenty of people out there like your ex. I have dated such men. They like someone to vent to and be their emotional security blanket, but they don't want more. You'd be surprised just how many people do this!

 

And I'm not sure why you feel FWB are usually exclusive. I have had a couple in my day (I'm a woman) and I wasn't exclusive with them. if both parties agree to it, of course that's fine. But I wouldn't consider that a general "rule" with FWB-type arrangements, especially not with an ex. Him actually telling you he couldn't offer exclusivity was vital information, though - he's indirectly let you know he's either currently or will be sleeping with other women. That should all you need to know to put this to rest once and for all.

[sparkle222]

Thanks guys. This has been so helpful. I blocked him on Facebook and sent him an email (from a junk address I never use/check) calmly and bluntly stating some of the points you guys said (about how he was managing my expectations, insulting me, and minimising my needs and how I'd come to my senses and had no wish to speak to or see him again etc). You guys were right--when I took a step back I just couldn't believe how demeaning he was. I still can't really; how can someone so intelligent, passionate, thoughtful, successful, well brought up (by society's standards at least, he's a classic 'good boy' from a 'nice family' with 'good values') who once claimed to love you (and who acts so sweet when we're together) simultaneously act like the lowest of the low, like he's some douchey frat boy? I remember for a few months he was very mean when he was angry at me for breaking up with him, but that had a clear trigger.. but this sort of continued 'negging' as one of you guys aptly put just seems so horribly out of nowhere and really disturbing. A bit sociopathic (ok I know I'm being a dramatic but still).

 

The thought that he might be sleeping with someone else sickens me but tbh I kinda doubt that he is.. he really hasn't got any game, and he never slept around before (he was pretty much relationship or nothing, although that could've changed). But this was inevitably going to be a train wreck anyway when he did find someone so it's good I get out now.

 

Some of his friends/classmates have suggested to me that he's on the spectrum (he has a lot of the classic signs: hates small talk, very bad at communicating about anything emotional and when he does comes off as very unempathetic, quiet but obsessively talkative about a few topics, very intelligent), which maybe explains some of his behavioural patterns a bit. (But maybe I'm just making excuses for him. Fundamentally he's just a massive d-bag!).

 

The thing that's most wounded in my pride and sanity, which is probably why I keep circling around this and trying to find explanations for his behaviour (like being on the spectrum). I remember when I broke up with him I was in a pretty bad place already because I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, and I sort of took that out on him. But I felt absolutely awful (and still do, nearly 3 years on), when I realised how it had affected him. He doesn't seem to give two figs about me; he seems to enjoy cutting me down to size (when I asked for his email address before blocking him, he sent me a message saying 'haha what, you're going to block me on Facebook now?').

 

Also, without meaning to sound arrogant, this has really shaken me because I thought I was a pretty good catch, and that I'd therefore find a nice, lasting relationship the way so many of my friends have-- I just never expected someone who seemed promising at the start, and who (ironically) really wanted to commit, to end up treating me like this! Most of my male friends are really nice and respectful towards me, and will often say (when drunk) what a great catch I am or how pretty/nice I am etc or how surprising it is that I don't have a boyfriend. I have a lot going for me, and he knows I've been really loyal to him. I feel like he somehow gets an ego kick out of crawling his way into my life and then using me and kicking me down. It's really depressing to feel that I'm in my mid-20s and every guy I've dated has either been a jerk or a sweetie who turned into a jerk. I know I'm still young but I can't help but feel resentful that there isn't a guy out there who just wants a normal relationship with me. I see plenty of girls who, like me, are perfectly normal (and therefore imperfect in many ways) with boyfriends who completely adore them no matter what-- and sometimes I feel that they must just be savvier than I am.

 

This may sound silly, but I feel like I must be fundamentally stupid about the laws of relationships in some way -- I feel like I've somehow allowed this guy to think he can demean me so much and obviously I can't get him to admit that what he's doing is wrong. The fact that this all happened makes me wonder if I'm too sensitive/idealistically romantic (hence why I couldn't let the 'first true love' go) or a totally stupid, unsavvy idiot who can't play the guy-girl relationship game.. is this a normal way to feel? (cue panic that if I can't get a non-player, geeky guy to commit for over a year, how can I get any guy to marry me etc.) Or is this behaviour just typical of a guy in his early 20s, and should I hold out hope that there genuine (maybe older) guys who are actually interested in proper long-term commitments?

[whispersoflove]

It seems he stuck on the past and he sure has his insecurities which were originally brought on by the initial dumping. However, times goes by and you both have seen growth. With you more so, He seems to have you on a yo yo and taking you on an emotional rollercoaster. I sense you know your direction in life. Take it for what its worth, don't keep chasing something that is what it is. You are missing out on someone great around the corner but will miss out waiting on something that you both have gotten all you can from.

 

 

whispersoflove

www.fireinthepassion.com

[sparkle222]

Why won't he just date someone else then? Why has he been lurking in my life and using me for so long? He said he's afraid to enter a new relationship and isn't looking to commit to anyone (think the latter part was just to let me down easy tho)- so I've been the emotional ego boost as he prepares to ask someone else out?

I think this is so nasty and fickle! I don't really have any other guy friends who would do that- most of them are upset about being single and just want a "nice" girl to spend time in a rs with etc

[Zahara]

Why won't he just date someone else then? Why has he been lurking in my life and using me for so long? He said he's afraid to enter a new relationship and isn't looking to commit to anyone (think the latter part was just to let me down easy tho)- so I've been the emotional ego boost as he prepares to ask someone else out?

I think this is so nasty and fickle! I don't really have any other guy friends who would do that- most of them are upset about being single and just want a "nice" girl to spend time in a rs with etc

 

It's because it's easy. For someone like him who is emotionally dysfunctional just as you and his friends mentioned, starting all over again and making a connection with a new woman requires effort and energy. And he probably knows he's likely going to fail long term so he just sticks around to what is available. You.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why won't he just date someone else then? Why has he been lurking in my life and using me for so long? He said he's afraid to enter a new relationship and isn't looking to commit to anyone (think the latter part was just to let me down easy tho)- so I've been the emotional ego boost as he prepares to ask someone else out?

I think this is so nasty and fickle! I don't really have any other guy friends who would do that- most of them are upset about being single and just want a "nice" girl to spend time in a rs with etc

 

Bluntly?

 

Because you let him.

 

No judgement, I've done it too. I learned my lesson the hard way. Once I stopped allowing myself to be Plan B, life dramatically improved!

[sparkle222]

Haha I know I've enabled it but he could also just find someone else - and then he wouldn't need me. I guess it just doesn't really make sense why he'd hang around someone when he's decided it's going nowhere - if he's so against it why not find someone he's actually interested in.. Why keep wasting his time on me.?

 

(Maybe the obvious answer to that is that he can't find anyone else but for some reason refuses to consider me as a legitimate "option"! it makes me feel pretty awful that someone dislikes me so much that he'd never date me, despite being aware that he's hardly gods gift to women wnd likely won't manage another successful relationship anytime soon, but that's life I suppose..:/)

[Zahara]

Haha I know I've enabled it but he could also just find someone else - and then he wouldn't need me. I guess it just doesn't really make sense why he'd hang around someone when he's decided it's going nowhere - if he's so against it why not find someone he's actually interested in.. Why keep wasting his time on me.?

 

You're still grasping with this line of thinking because you're hoping somewhere in all of that there is a possibility that you mean something to him and that is why he keeps circling back.

 

It's not going nowhere for him. He's not expecting it go anywhere. He doesn't want it to go anywhere. It's just a comfortable spot to land when he needs it. You're projecting what you think and believe how things work in your brain on him. In his mind, he's not wasting time on you when he can always pick you up for attention, an ego boost and sex when he needs it. He likely isn't looking to make any deep connection with anyone or you but just to get some benefits.

 

(Maybe the obvious answer to that is that he can't find anyone else but for some reason refuses to consider me as a legitimate "option"! it makes me feel pretty awful that someone dislikes me so much that he'd never date me, despite being aware that he's hardly gods gift to women wnd likely won't manage another successful relationship anytime soon, but that's life I suppose..:/)

 

As I said in my previous post -- also, don't define your value and worth based on his inability to validate you.

Edited April 29, 2016 by Zahara

[sparkle222]

I feel sick to my stomach. I ignored his response to my angry message and went on with my life. Then I heard today that he's actually been in at least one "serious" (but short) relationship this year which tore him up even more than our breakup or his one after that. If I calculate the timings right I've been the bookend to this third relationship and possibly the fourth - as in he gets with me, tells me he doesn't want a relationship , goes out with someone else, gets dumped, comes back to me, reminds me he doesn't want a relationship (claiming with anyone but really means just me), goes out with someone else, gets dumped again, comes back to me, leaves reminding me that he doesn't want anything only friendship, rinse and repeat.

 

I feel so sickened and used. How can he be up for dating all these random girls, thinking they're so much better for him, and yet know he isn't rmrptely

Interested in me.

 

I finally read his message which was so patronising.. It basically said " I have feelings for you but I have always been very clear that I don't want a relationship. I only want a friendship but maybe what we both want is irreconcilable."

 

I know I can't let it get to me but I can't stop crying I am so angry at myself for being deceived - he told me he hadn't dated anyone else after the second girl , I just feel so so sick that I've been his rebound this year.

 

Any helpful words would be greatly appreciated.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry you're hurting. It was a good thing reading that message. Painful yes, but it's going to help you close the door and find finality in this. He's showing you who he is and maybe now you can slowly start to grasp the reality of your ex.

 

Stay no contact. Block him. Tell your friends or wherever it is your getting information from to stop feeding you. Stop stalking him or trying to have insight into what he's doing. You want to be free of triggers, otherwise you'll just be hurting yourself. You already have enough to shut the door.

[sparkle222]

Thank you Zahara. Your response is comforting, especially the part about getting to grips with the reality of what he is as a person.

 

I am actually a bit annoyed at the friend who told me. It was completely out of the blue- I hadn't asked, she literally just told me. I had no idea it was coming. She also said that apparently that breakup devastated him even more than any of his previous relationships. (Another male friend then tried to tell me that probably wasn't the case and that guys just go out with whatever they fancy at the time.) But it still really hurt to hear that his two month fling meant more to him than our relationship or the one after that (which he seemed to think was an upgrade on ours). I think that was pretty out of line for my friend to say and I don't see how she could know it for certain in any way given she got the info from a friend of this girl.. Thoughts?

[Zahara]

I always wonder about "friends" who behave this way. One would think they'd do what they can to preserve your emotional peace rather than plant a bad seed. Or maybe she believes it'll help you get mad and move on. Regardless, you'll never know the truth about what was said -- information changes as it trickles down so validity is questionable unless from the horse's mouth. Moving forward, she needs to quit feeding you.

 

Don't put too much stock into what she said. Breakups are hard, regardless of whether you're the dumper or dumpee. I'm sure in his own way he felt the loss of you. Each relationship is different. So don't compare -- it's a futile exercise.

[springy]

Yeah that wasn't very nice of her but maybe your friend is hoping that after all this time you will finally cut contact and get on with your love life. Really...it's time to leave him in the past, where he belongs...

 

You will not be able to move forward as long as you continue communicating with him, be it stalking him on FB, twitter, whatever else is out there. Cut him completely out of your life, start the healing process, and move on from this dead end 'relationship.'

[sparkle222]

Yeah but getting mad doesn't help, indifference does.. I hadn't even bothered to read his message/looked at his fbk/etc for about a week (after telling him I was done with his ----) but after she told me this I obviously got really upset and did read it. (which is frustrating because I feel I've lost my zen over this all over again). I think I'll need to deal better w this friend - part of me feels she's being vindictive/smug (she's in a long term rs but is also quite unhappy in other aspects of her life, eg hating her job), but maybe I should just give her the benefit of the doubt and try to spend a bit less time w her (she is queen of reminiscing etc).

 

The only good thing from all this is that whereas previously I didn't care for my ex but was just in a suspended state of apathy about men, I now very fiercely want to move on to someone else. The problem I've been having is that all the guys I know are the same age as this guy and all a bit fickle, going through several short lasting relationships in a year etc. I really really don't want to ever go through something like this again- it was just so terrifying to realise how little I could mean to someone in the end, and how if I "mess up" they'll just hop on to someone else. I know that's the stereotype of guys but it makes the idea of dating completely irrational in my mind- I want a relationship that will become marriage some day. I don't know if this is wisdom on my part to be cautious or if I'm now just cynical and burned

 

Part of me thinks I should look at older guys who'd be more at an age where they might think about settling down.. Is this legitimate ? I really don't want to go out with eg a 23-4 year old and then find the relationship just breaking down in a couple years because it can't sustain itself through all the uncertainties of ones 20s.

[Zahara]

Yes, indifference is going to take some time to accomplish but you'll get there. The key is to stay away from anything that is going to trigger you. That means creating a boundary with your friend. She has to respect your wishes and if she doesn't then it would be time to step away from her as well.

 

I don't think you should be thinking or worrying about dating and all its intricacies. Now is the time to heal your heart and to try to get to a point of emotional clarity. Often times we put ourselves out there when we're hurt and with a clouded heart and mind we make bad decisions because we're looking for someone to help us escape from our pain. You should focus on spending the next few months on yourself.

[sparkle222]

Thanks Zahara. As ever, sound advice. Unfortunately this story just keeps giving. I had meant to speak to this friend today about boundaries--turned out she'd already told the ex about my freak-out after hearing about this third girl. And I got an email from the ex (had blocked him on Facebook but I guess he had my email addresses) saying that it wasn't a relationship, just something casual. He also re-iterated that he can't be committed to anyone right now, and said that he's never meant to use me but lacks self-control. He also said that the other reason he can't date me, even though he has 'feelings', is because he thinks we're just too messed up and have no stable foundation for a relationship. Which I do agree with. He said he did think about it dating after he saw me a week ago, because the time we spent together was so nice, but decided against it because he just does not want to commit.

 

He also mentioned that he doesn't like how angry I get and that this is another reason he doesn't want to date me. This of course infuriated me more, because I'm usually the mildest person alive. It's so unfair that he gets to go on his soapbox about my temper, given it ONLY emerges whenever he does something really awful that makes him unworthy of being in my life at all--but of course whatever he's done is wiped off the slate because of my reaction to it!

 

Apart from that it was a surprisingly reasoned and apologetic message, which made me feel bad for reacting so badly to my friend's news. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should take it with more than a pinch of salt--is there any reason to believe his assertion that this fling with the third girl was as casual as he claims it was? And realistically it wouldn't have been--he doesn't drink or go out, so that means he was consciously choosing to go repeatedly sleep with his co-worker for about three to four months. I want to believe him for my peace of mind that it was just casual but knowing him I can't believe that it was. How do I know it wouldn't have continued had she not gone abroad? Even though it ended several months ago, even if it wasn't 'labeled' a relationship, it makes me feel sick that this happened again.

 

I started to write a long message in reply to all his points, which felt quite cathartic to do, but now I'm not sure if I should send it. I feel like he's deceiving me again. And it doesn't really matter what I say, he won't want to commit and he'll inevitably keep sleeping around. I obviously am not going to be friends with that--that's obvious. My message is calm but very much 'you're out of my life, and it's your fault'. But I already said that a week ago (albeit in a much more vicious form). I feel like part of the reason I want to send this message is because I want to prove to him that I can be calm while pointing out how awful he is (there are some pretty dumb comments in his message). But I don't want to have to prove that to him. My having a temper isn't some terrible flaw, it's human, and IMO a bloody lot better than being a slimy uncommitted liar!

 

I guess I just want to end with something snappy and to the point, not just with receiving a long apologetic message from him that somehow made me feel almost ok with everything he'd done.. I know he's treated me badly and I need to remember that so I don't get messed around again. What should I do? Send the message or no?

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't send the message.

 

Let your silence do the speaking for you.

 

And finally cut this guy out of your life.

[Zahara]

My message is calm but very much 'you're out of my life, and it's your fault'. But I already said that a week ago (albeit in a much more vicious form). I feel like part of the reason I want to send this message is because I want to prove to him that I can be calm while pointing out how awful he is (there are some pretty dumb comments in his message). But I don't want to have to prove that to him. My having a temper isn't some terrible flaw, it's human, and IMO a bloody lot better than being a slimy uncommitted liar!

 

So, what would be the objective of proving yourself to a "slimy uncommitted liar" -- the only person that you need to prove yourself to is you and that comes in the form of self-preservation. No one is going to have the last word here so the best thing to do is write whatever it is you need to say and destroy it. Nothing you say will change the situation or his perception of you. He's blame shifting because he's trying to make you feel responsible for his behavior and the demise of the relationship. Your words aren't going make him step back and reflect or become self-aware.

 

So, don't give him the satisfaction of showing him you are affected. Don't send the message. Block him on the email and please tell your friend that she is not to keep gossiping and causing more drama. Be firm.

[basil67]

I started to write a long message in reply to all his points, which felt quite cathartic to do, but now I'm not sure if I should send it. I feel like he's deceiving me again. And it doesn't really matter what I say, he won't want to commit and he'll inevitably keep sleeping around. I obviously am not going to be friends with that--that's obvious. My message is calm but very much 'you're out of my life, and it's your fault'. But I already said that a week ago (albeit in a much more vicious form). I feel like part of the reason I want to send this message is because I want to prove to him that I can be calm while pointing out how awful he is (there are some pretty dumb comments in his message). But I don't want to have to prove that to him. My having a temper isn't some terrible flaw, it's human, and IMO a bloody lot better than being a slimy uncommitted liar!

 

Don't send the message. You're playing the victim card and it reflects very poorly on you.

 

While he has done his share of wrong here, it's time to stop putting the blame on him and reflect on your own choices and how they've impacted on you. You initially broke up with him and then refused to take him back (how is this HIS fault?). You accepted 'frienship' and 'FWB' when you wanted more. You could have stepped away from him at anytime but you chose not to. You've had choices but didn't take them.....this is NOT his fault.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean. My goal is to prompt you into taking back your power and to be accountable for your own decisions. While continue to blame others, you will be stuck in failure.

[sparkle222]

Thanks Zahara and basil. I know I have a lot of accountability here--trust me, I've made that clear and acknowledged it to myself and him many times. (Perhaps I've acknowledged my fault in the breakup more than my fault in allowing fwb though, but in my defence I *did* think that it was going somewhere, and in his message he *admitted* that he had led me to think that before changing his mind.) I guess I'm just angry that the guy is himself now playing the victim card (he claims he's too broken for a relationship, and that he can't deal with when I get mad at him), and that I'm supposed to feel sorry for him and be his deep, emotional friend while he 'un-committedly' sleeps with other girls.. ugh! That's not a friendship?!

 

This stupid meddling gossip has really thrown me; I'd been completely fine the past week, on a clean break, and now I feel like I've been thrown back in another pit that I'll have to climb out of. I don't know what to do the advice here is helpful, please keep it coming..

[bummer]

don't send that message, there's a thread where you can post what you want to send to your ex if that helps.

 

get back on track with full NC. There are too many red flags in this thread to make any more effort. you'll hurt yourself more and more and keep resetting the clock to finding your own self-worth and a real desire for a fresh start to date someone better for you.

 

and ya, I think sometimes older partners are better adjusted, but focus on you for now. Dating anyone shouldn't be your priority. Keep strong!

[sparkle222]

Well, just figured I'd update this since everyone on this thread was right..

 

As I said earlier, ex had contacted me to tell me friend was completely wrong, it was just a casual thing one summer ago. He said he really wanted to repair things, be good friends (he's got a bit of weird view on friendship, he likes really intense emotional attachments), etc. Blah blah. So I'm the idiot who believes that my friend was meddling and messing with my head, and I warily trust what my ex says (while keeping distance and very limited contact; I just believe what he says and I let it go). I then go through a bad week--a friend dies, crappy set of exams, a lot of things going wrong--and I find myself breaking NC and having a breakdown about it all to my ex again, because I can't seem to find someone else outside of my daily life bubble to turn to to talk to about it.

 

Ex is surprisingly helpful with this week and then tries to tell me he wants us to be close again, even sort of approaches the subject of an exclusive fwb (though he then goes back and forth on this, because he doesn't want a relationship). Still it seems like we've agreed to some sort of pleasant friend-type thing and we're communicating. He asks if he can see me in a few days when he's in my city.

 

We're chatting and making plans and then he suddenly sends a message out of the blue saying "I should probably tell you this, but I actually have been seeing and regularly hooking up with that girl all year, up until about a week ago". So yep, turned out he completely lied about it all: they had actually had a thing that had kept on going all year. It was technically open but apparently she didn't want to know about any other girls he's hooked up with (me a couple of times, another girl a couple of times).

 

I completely DID NOT expect this, at all, and I felt completely flabbergasted; he'd made me feel guilty about not being a 'close' friend to him over the past few months, not seeing him in person, etc etc (and the whole time he was sleeping with someone else!!). I'd completely believed him when he told me that was it after last summer (and I did ask). I asked him if he'd hooked up with anyone else; he said no; I then later asked him how many hook-ups he'd had this year, and he admitted he'd hooked up with another girl too (and then about 20 minutes later admitted that had happened more than once). He even tried to shift the blame on me, saying that I should've asked him as it's an obvious thing to ask your ex if he's continually hooking up with someone else while wanting to hook up with you.

 

So what to do now?

1) Initially said he still wanted to do exclusive fwb with me, and that he'd ended it with the other girl because he knew he could only do fwb with me if it was exclusive.

2) Then after this talk he decided he didn't want fwb anymore because he thought it was too messy/emotional.

3) He wants to be friends, and is willing not to see anyone else for four weeks, but doesn't want to restrict any possibilities after that. He admitted that once he started seeing someone else we wouldn't really be able to be friends anymore because no girlfriend would be ok with how close we are. And of course, it's pretty difficult to be friends when the other person is hooking up with someone else.

4) Or of course, we could just go no contact.

 

So I know the obvious answer is 4. I've known that for two years. I'm not stupid. I'm in shock that he thinks he deserves to be in my life and that the way he acts is remotely acceptable. But I keep slipping on it every time other things in my life get really hard. Part of me also just wants revenge, and I feel like NC doesn't achieve that. Another part of the problem is, I can't even hate him enough to go NC because I'm just at the point of helpless apathy. I almost want to laugh. He's so condescending too; he said he'd stay on Skype with me because he still really cares about me and wanted to check I wasn't going to do anything hurtful to myself (WTF as if he's that important in my life that I would do that?! He claims he's had mental health issues so I guess that was projection.)

 

It also weirdly annoys me that he doesn't want fwb. I feel like 1) that should be my choice, and 2) he's been hooking up with some other girl continually but won't hook up with me?? Is it weird that this somehow makes me feel even lower, like I'm not attractive enough sexually or something?

 

I just can't believe this; I trusted what he said and thought at least we could move towards being pleasant and then just end being friends on good terms (we had a tentative plan to be on good terms and then just make a mutual clean break over the summer), and yet it turns out he's been lying to me all along. What's worse is just how he didn't seem to think what he had done was bad at all, even as a 'friend'. Am I crazy? I feel so deceived and betrayed!

[BC1980]

I've known that for two years. I'm not stupid. I'm in shock that he thinks he deserves to be in my life and that the way he acts is remotely acceptable. But I keep slipping on it every time other things in my life get really hard. Part of me also just wants revenge, and I feel like NC doesn't achieve that. Another part of the problem is, I can't even hate him enough to go NC because I'm just at the point of helpless apathy. I almost want to laugh. He's so condescending too; he said he'd stay on Skype with me because he still really cares about me and wanted to check I wasn't going to do anything hurtful to myself (WTF as if he's that important in my life that I would do that?! He claims he's had mental health issues so I guess that was projection.)

 

It also weirdly annoys me that he doesn't want fwb. I feel like 1) that should be my choice, and 2) he's been hooking up with some other girl continually but won't hook up with me?? Is it weird that this somehow makes me feel even lower, like I'm not attractive enough sexually or something?

 

I just can't believe this; I trusted what he said and thought at least we could move towards being pleasant and then just end being friends on good terms (we had a tentative plan to be on good terms and then just make a mutual clean break over the summer), and yet it turns out he's been lying to me all along. What's worse is just how he didn't seem to think what he had done was bad at all, even as a 'friend'. Am I crazy? I feel so deceived and betrayed!

 

He feels that his behavior is acceptable because you have shown him that it is acceptable. Time and time again, you have shown that you are willing to take the bare minimum to remain in his life. You can talk about his poor behavior, but, in the end, you were never willing to act on your words. Even now, with this latest revelation, you are waffling about going NC. You are very much responsible for the situation you are in. Take the responsibility, and learn from this. Learn how to respect yourself. A lot of people have been in your situation and worse.

 

As you said, NC is the only way forward. Are you 100% prepared to follow through with it?

[sparkle222]

Well I'm just worried I can't! I know it's the right thing to do, the thought of him makes me sick, but then a niggling part of me is saying 'just agree to a chaste platonic 'friendship' for a few weeks and slowly ease out that way'.. and it's become such a habit casually talking to him that I genuinely don't know if I could break it, it's like smoking.. and even if I did go NC, I *know* at some point I'd fall back into it. I need the equivalent of an e-cigarette for going NC, I just can't seem to do cold turkey! I do genuinely think the only way I could properly move on would be if I found someone else, but I just can't because all the guys I know who've shown interest just bring the same issues (not wanting commitment, having their own messy ex situation, etc.).

 

I guess I just need some REAL motivation to PERMANENTLY cut him off; hearing online strangers rip into him does help, because it reminds me that he *is* a bad person! I was soul-searching as to why I can't cut him off, and part of me thinks it goes back to the first guy I ever dated, who was quite possibly the worst human being I've ever met and who was ignorant, incredibly aggressive and verbally abusive. This mild, but very clever/sneaky/secretive, butter-wouldn't-melt-in-his-mouth, ex therefore, by comparison, seems like an angel. I guess part of me just keeps thinking 'oh he's not as bad as my first bf' so he can't actually be bad. Also, after today's conversation, he called me multiple times to check I was "ok" (pretty sure he was worried he'd pushed me to a breaking pt). So now all I remember is the fact that he did that, not the fact that he actually revealed something really awful.

 

Arghhhhh can someone give me more sharp words as to why he doesn't deserve my contact -- or at least suggest an e-cigarette style approach to weaning yourself of a co-dependency with your ex?