My ex is my best friend and it's eating me up inside [update 2016-06-15]

[sparkle222]

(Maybe another part of the problem is that I just can't fathom doing what he is doing--sleeping with one (or two) girl(s) while telling another how much you care about her/want to sleep with her/talking to her all the time -- I just would never even be capable of doing that?! So it's hard to get angry at behaviour that just seems so unreal and nonsensical to me. Also I guess I don't like really thinking about what he's *actually* doing because it's quite a sharp reminder of how little I'm worth to him, no matter what he says, and my self-preservation instinct stops me from going down that negative wormhole..)

[Zahara]

Arghhhhh can someone give me more sharp words as to why he doesn't deserve my contact -- or at least suggest an e-cigarette style approach to weaning yourself of a co-dependency with your ex?

 

Sharp words won't help you. It's a choice. If you accept being treated poorly and see very little to no value in yourself, no one can help you make the right and healthy decision. Until you realize that your self-respect means more to you than your dependence on having some man complete you and fill your voids, you'll keep going back to him. The only way to break co-dependency is to become independent. It's a difficult journey. Loving yourself is crucial and if you keep relying on others to validate you, the cycle will continue.

 

This guy treats you less than because you've shown him that you accept and tolerate poor treatment. Nothing is going to change in his eyes because you've established yourself as weak and dependent woman and he's never going to see you as anything more. He doesn't want to be FWB with you because he knows you are emotional and it's going to be work and possible drama to get involved with you.

 

All those excuses you make -- NC/revenge, hardships, helpless apathy? -- that's you justifying your inability to let go.

 

That bit about this one being a little better than your ex -- I hope you're listening to what you're saying. No one should be that desperate for a man that they settle for a little better than bad. Maybe you'll let go when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired. And when you said you may only be able to let go if you find someone else, unfortunately, you'll probably repeat your patterns again. Your self-esteem is in the tank and the longer you stay in this situation, the more you're going to damage yourself.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Zahara

[BC1980]

I guess I just need some REAL motivation to PERMANENTLY cut him off; hearing online strangers rip into him does help, because it reminds me that he *is* a bad person!

 

If what he had done so far isn't motivation enough to cut him off, there is nothing we can say to make you see the light. What else does he need to do to give you motivation to cut him off? He told you, to your face, that he has been sleeping with 3 women in the past year and lying about it. He told you that after 4 weeks have passed, he doesn't want to keep in contact with you. How long are you going to beg this man to want to be with you?

 

You can go NC cold turkey. I know you can because I did it, and I never thought I would be able to live without my ex. The idea seemed incomprehensible at one time. But I did it one day at a time. NC forces you to accept that it's over, and it forces you to move on. You have to fake it until you make it. NC is going to be uncomfortable for awhile, and you aren't going to want to do it. But you have to keep doing it until your heart gets on board with your head.

[Marc878]

You have value why waste it on this? All it does is spend time and energy you could be using to explore someone else.

 

These types always have big thoughts but never put them into action. Don't be surprised if he's still in this limbo years from now.

[sparkle222]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for the messages, they were helpful in giving clarity: I woke up today and though I felt a bit crummy I honestly didn't want to contact him, not even to pick a fight or to get revenge or to show how much his actions don't bother me, which is a good start! I still feel a bit thrown by it all but on the plus side it does 100% justify all the negativity and anger I've had towards him. I guess it's mildly reassuring to know that suspicions and my 'gut' are so infallible (haha..).

 

One thing is slightly bothering me and I want advice before doing something reckless: part of me really, really wants to send a message to the other main girl he's been seeing this year. On the one hand, I know those kind of messages just make the sender look crazy/desperate and will probably make her actually like him more (the sort of 'wow if he can upset this other girl so much he's clearly got something cool going for him', or 'wow he's got other girls in his life, i now instinctively want to pursue him' mentality). Moreover, my message might just come as completely bizarre--if they have an open relationship, she should know that he's probably seeing others (even if, like me, she's stupid enough to think the 'others' are just very occasional meaningless one night stands). He did say that she doesn't know about me (or anyone else), effectively because she's never asked (the way I used to be); he suspects that she maybe wants a relationship but they've never discussed it. So she actually sounds like she has a bit of my mentality: head in the sand, thinking it might eventually go somewhere. On the other hand, I just feel very angry about how deceitful he's been, and I don't think he should get away with that with someone else. The idea of confronting this girl also seems somewhat cathartic (and maybe there's a wee bit of wanting to show him how unacceptable I find his behaviour by doing this).

 

Would it be ok just to send even a short message saying 'hey, I know this is completely bizarre and definitely not something I'd ever do, but I think we've been in similar positions with the same guy this year and I think you should know how much he's kept you in the dark because I would want to know etc.' I started to write a letter and while I think it sounds sane I'm worried a person I don't know who reads it will just think I'm off my emotional rocker..

[gimlynick]

Don't send a short message.

 

 

If you had started NC directly, probably you would have been allready over him.

 

Please block him in all possible ways.

Apparently you can't resist a conversation with him.

If he manages to contact you through all the blocks, then just delete it!

 

Delete everything! If you still have pics of him or you both, then 1) delete them or 2) if that's too hard for you, put them somewhere on a hard disc/USB and put that hard disc/USB somewhere so you can't reach out to it.

 

Please, do this for yourself. You need to heal.

Don't ever contact him again. It's unhealthy.

[sparkle222]

it's not a message to him! it's a message to the other main girl he's been seeing. i kind of want to make it clear what a **** he's been (i guess there's a sense of righting karmic wrongs and getting a bit of revenge that way by messing with his other 'options'). i don't expect her to believe me or care, i don't expect him to like me doing this, i don't plan on reading any response from her if it comes through -- i just kind of want to do it for myself. trust me, i don't currently want to contact him (i'll post here first if the temptation strikes me!)

[ExpatInItaly]

No. Do not contact her.

 

Why not? Because that will drag you back into his orbit. He will probably become angry at you, contact you, you two will fight, you will feel bad want to make up, he will toss you breadcrumbs making you "fight" for his forgiveness, and you'll be back at Square One.

 

I say that because you've been doing mental gymnastics trying to explain away and rationalize his behaviour to yourself. You entertained the idea of "exclusive FWB" for Pete's sake, girl! Your capacity to enable this and try to keep him in your life is high, and I am fairly certain that messaging her will lead you right back down the same path.

 

The bottom line is that contacting her is not maintaining No Contact. It won't help you feel better in the end. It will only delay your own healing.

[sparkle222]

Expat, I take your point. Initially I didn't agree with you (because I can't look past 9 months of lying) but then I remembered something weird--when he was telling me this online, I started writing down my feelings/etc (I find it helpful to look back on what I felt at the time, also can send here or to a friend). He freaked out when he heard the typing and thought I was writing a good-bye note?!?!?!? I thought maybe he's just really up himself, or maybe projecting his own mental state. So now I'm also concerned that if I contact this girl, he'll contact me and say that my meddling has made him suicidal (which obviously is NOT something I want to get near to).

 

...is this a legitimate concern or am I being overly considerate? TBH, this is probably the only thing holding me back from sending a pretty bitchy 'you've been lied to for 10 months, enjoy that' message to this other girl :/ (I know I know I should rise above)

[Zahara]

You were not in a relationship with him. He is allowed to hook up with anyone he wants. He's allowed to sleep with as many women as he wants. He lied to you, only because YOU allowed yourself to be back burner girl. You are responsible and accountable for where you are today. No one else.

 

Now you want to create more drama by sending a message because you're upset about him lying. Regardless of how many women he's been with, you both were not together.

 

You're angry because your ego is hurt because he didn't choose you. This is what it all boils down to and you can't stand that fact.

 

You came here noting everyone was right. Now listen to the advice again. Stop digging holes for yourself and jumping in. Stay NC. Stop finding ways to sabotage yourself. If anything, this should be the opportunity/motivation that helps you rise above and put an end to all this nonsense.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Zahara

[BC1980]

Your only motivation in sending a message to this other woman is to get back at your ex. If you do send a message, I think you will get a lot more than you bargained for. You will be caught up in more drama, which is what I suspect you also want to some degree. You are looking for ways to make yourself relevant to him. And yes, you will come off and crazy and desperate.

[sparkle222]

BC1980 what do you mean by "get a lot more than I bargained for"? My ex doesn't want to be friends, or fwb, or date ; he's lied for 9 months about his personal life; he's said he plans to start dating again in a few months so whether it's now with this girl (somehow precipitated by my message) or in the future it doesn't matter. I just don't see what's going to happen that's so bad if I send it. At most, they'll both get mad at me and go off together. At worst, I come off as crazy to him (and her now too). Considering the fact that my ex already dislikes me, dates other girls, and has no respect for me it hardly seems to matter if I act in a way that confirms this. I don't know her or her friends so I don't particularly care if she thinks I'm nuts too; I'm not going to run my life based on what some random girl thinks of me.

 

Maybe I'm being pig headed but yeah..if someone can spell it out for me that'd be great

[Zahara]

I'm not going to run my life based on what some random girl thinks of me.

 

If that's your stance, unfortunately it's what you have been doing all this time -- you've allowed this guy to keep you on the back burner because you had no ability to "run" your life. I'm not sure what you're upset about when you were not in a relationship with him. You have no rule over what he did, who he slept with, or whatever entailed in his personal life. Your ego is hurt, I get it.

 

You are not taking responsibility for where you are today. You're blaming him. Roping this woman into your drama. Trying to get some "revenge" because you had no ability to do the right thing for yourself. At the end of the day, you need to start looking at yourself. Self-reflection helps you grow.

 

And YOU were the one that ended this relationship with him. Reasons being he was immature. So what did you expect from all of this? What sort of upstanding behavior were you hoping for? Again, you are responsible for where you are today.

 

If you want to send the message, then send it. You've spent 3 years? on this. If you want to keep perpetuating in unhealthy behavior on your part, then send the message.

[lana-banana]

BC1980 what do you mean by "get a lot more than I bargained for"? My ex doesn't want to be friends, or fwb, or date ; he's lied for 9 months about his personal life; he's said he plans to start dating again in a few months so whether it's now with this girl (somehow precipitated by my message) or in the future it doesn't matter. I just don't see what's going to happen that's so bad if I send it. At most, they'll both get mad at me and go off together. At worst, I come off as crazy to him (and her now too). Considering the fact that my ex already dislikes me, dates other girls, and has no respect for me it hardly seems to matter if I act in a way that confirms this. I don't know her or her friends so I don't particularly care if she thinks I'm nuts too; I'm not going to run my life based on what some random girl thinks of me.

 

Maybe I'm being pig headed but yeah..if someone can spell it out for me that'd be great

 

Okay, since you asked...

 

Yes, you're being pigheaded. Doing this for you? You aren't fooling anyone. You're doing this because you're desperate for any kind of connection with him and this is what you've been reduced to. Indirect as it is this is the only means of contact you have left. And way deep down you're hoping that this will finally provoke a reaction.

 

You're hurting, for obvious and understandable reasons. But instead of dealing with your pain in a constructive manner you're lashing out. You want him to hurt as much as he's hurt you. Unfortunately you have no control over how someone else reacts. You have no power over him.

 

You want to know what will happen if you send this message? You'll feel a rush of adrenaline for a couple minutes, thrilled with your daring deed. You'll fantasize about him reaching out to you. You'll wonder if he'll be the one to text you or if she'll do it. You'll imagine all the possible ways the scenario might play out. You'll imagine a couple weeks of intensive social media drama, an excitement that pulls you back into his orbit and makes you a player in his life again, impossible for him to ignore.

 

Then after about five minutes you'll realize what you've done. Have they seen the message yet? What are they talking about? Is she mad at him? Or is she mad at you? Suddenly you'll realize just how much is going on that you can't control. Maybe he hates you. Maybe he's indifferent. Maybe the other girl knew about you all along. Or maybe she posted screenshots of your message on Instagram with "Check out this crazy chick who stalked my man! I probably need a restraining order amirite? If you see her around you should probably lock your doors #lol #insane #desperate #help".

 

You are an addict willing to do anything for a fix, no matter how self-destructive or dangerous, and everyone can see it. Sending this message will only affirm what he already suspects: that you're unable to let go and so lacking in self-respect that you'll cling to him no matter what he says or does. Aren't you worth more than that?

[sparkle222]

Ok. Well I've blocked them both on social media to resist any temptation. I'm not sure I'm entirely that crazy/desperate for his attention though I see how it comes off; I don't want/expect him to contact me again and I really don't emotionally "care" about the loss or feel particularly cut up. However I do agree that this incessant drama has become addictive, like a puzzle I can't solve that I spend years (..) on obsessively trying to make sense of it and to make the pieces fit. It's also become addictive to just casually have him around (more as a habit than anything). But yeah I guess it mostly boils down to ego/pride. Gotta work on setting that aside :/.

[BC1980]

BC1980 what do you mean by "get a lot more than I bargained for"?

 

Basically, I'm saying that you can't control what might happen as a result of this. You think you know what might happen, but you don't know until it happen. What if he starts barraging you with texts? What if she does? Like Lana said, what if she screen shots your text and posts it on social media. You are trying to provoke a reaction in him, her, anyone. You play with fire when you do that.

[sparkle222]

yeah fair. i don't really think he'd ever do that. he's the opposite of me--he shuts down when he's angry and is incredible at no contact. i'll probably spend the next week or two (or year) exerting all my energy not to contact him, and he literally won't even notice.

 

oh i just feel so low, no contact is hard (especially since 'contact' has been such a habit), i'm so bad at repressing emotions/thoughts/etc :/

[sparkle222]

I'm not looking for lectures on how to go NC (I am NC) or blunt messages of 'get over it' or 'why do you care'. I know you can cut an ex out of your life, but cutting out the damage they've done to your emotions isn't so easy. I'm really looking for someone to help legitimise the emotions I've been feeling--I suppose I think accepting that these are normal emotions to feel is a healthy part of the moving on process.

 

I've done all the normal stuff of moving on and heard all the lectures: that's not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for validation that I'm the sane one and that I'm justified in feeling hurt. It's exhausting fighting the nasty words he said to me (that he'd done nothing wrong, that I was effectively the crazy one, etc) in my head and repeatedly convincing myself I'm justified in how I feel. I don't believe I can just switch off the emotions--obviously they'll dwindle over time, but it's easier to deal with them if I know they're legitimate.

 

I've posted about this ex before--long story short, this year he came back into my life wanting to be friends: he made it very clear he didn't want anything more, although almost always crossed boundaries when we hung out, making things confusing (and upsetting, because then afterwards when I would ask what was going on, he would re-iterate wanting to be 'just friends'). I repeatedly asked him if there was anyone else, he said no; he told me over and over how he suffered from mental health issues this year and couldn't be with anyone properly but really needed this 'friendship'; after about 9 months of this, I found out he had been in at least two long-term 'open' (in name but not in practice--except when I was in the picture I suppose) relationships the entire year ('serious' ones, traveling to meet up nearly every weekend although he often claimed he had no money to visit me). The last time we spoke, he told me he didn't think he'd deceived me in any way (apart from one time when i told him i couldn't be with someone who was seeing anyone else, he told me he wasn't seeing anyone else and then we got together--he eventually admitted that that time was a bit deceitful, but only after i really cornered him about it) and he didn't think he had anything to apologise for. He said I was incapable of any productive conversation and my reaction (not angry, just upset/hurt) reminded him of why I wasn't a good person to be romantically involved with or even talk to. Etc. By the end I wasn't taking this too well, so of course he was turning my reaction on me as evidence of why I didn't deserve his company and why he'd never want to be with me etc.

 

It's been over a week NC since this happened, and while NC has opened my eyes to how awful his words/actions were, and to the much healthier relationships I have in my life that I should (albeit now with some trepidation) cultivate, what happened nevertheless has left a mark. I've tried to disentangle the thoughts/emotions that are really scarring, in the hopes of reassurance that these *are* a normal reaction and that they *are* justified, regardless of what this ex thinks.

 

1) This was someone I did genuinely think wanted to be a friend, and friends (especially ones who are crossing a line) don't/shouldn't hide major things like that, do they? Admittedly there was a period of a few months in the winter when I would say 'I don't want to hear about your personal life' (because I'd assumed it involved one-night stands while he was traveling at that time), but his open relationship was going on long before and after that. I remember several times when I would ask him about his personal life and tell him about mine, so why didn't he tell me then? All my other guy friends tell me about this stuff. There is something sketchy about him hiding this, and I should feel that he was being deliberately sketchy, right? He says he didn't hide it out of guilt, he says he doesn't feel any guilt about that--he just didn't think it was important enough to share.

 

2) Moreover, he kept using the technicality of 'well you asked about relationships, if you'd asked about *open* relationships I would've told you'. So I'm supposed to guess every possible variation of what could be going on in his personal life, and it's my fault for not being suspicious enough? This is crazy, right?

 

3) Because of 1 and 2, I feel very much betrayed as a friend. This is far and away the most painful part--to feel that someone I let (back) into my life as a confidante and close friend deceived me so unashamedly and with no guilt. I'd come to terms with not dating because I thought he wasn't ready to be a good boyfriend, but I actually never really questioned his abilities as a friend, and this really shook me. It makes me really sad that I trusted him as a friend, and even worse that he doesn't see where he went wrong. I also find it ridiculous that I cared worried about his mental health (which has no apparent 'cause'), but he thinks that I'm not justified in being upset that he lied to me.

 

4) Part of me also feels a bit unsettled that he was so intent on reminding me we were 'just friends' (because of our past, and also because of his desire not to be in a relationship) but that he wanted to pursue an essentially monogamous relationship with someone else. I mean clearly he *was* willing to make the effort with someone else (and apparently it started about a week after they met too). So why wouldn't he make that effort with me? I mean this is someone I have a lot of history with, am I really that unattractive to him that he would choose a girl he's known for a week over me? (I've seen pictures of her, very average looking.) I try to tell myself that she's actually in the worse position, but I can't help this feeling. Surely if an ex he cared about came back into the picture, he'd rush to make things right with her.

 

5) Moreover, I'm sure this is just pride, but surely most guys aren't that fussy about whom they sleep with and try it on with most alright girls.. but he actually made a continual point of reminding me that he didn't want to sleep with me etc, which honestly has made me feel like the token 'ugly or awkward girl friend' or something (and I know I'm not, I'm objectively really attractive!)

 

 

 

Things have been going ok though, as I should say--I've spent more time bonding with other friends, even during a very stressful work period. The above thoughts intrude when I'm alone, but I can't surround myself with people 24/7 so I need to be able to deal with them.

I also found really one helpful trick in moving on: after I last talked to the ex, I wrote down everything that had happened from *his* perspective (the perspective he kept justifying, shifting the blame on me etc.) I then posted this on one of the popular forums (not this site), fully expecting other users to side with him and agree that he hadn't done anything technically wrong and had nothing to feel guilty about (what he kept telling me). And guess what--nope, 'he' got completely ripped apart. The majority of people said all the stuff I've always said to him. So I guess that helped legitimise that I wasn't crazy in thinking what he'd done was wrong.. now I just want to know that what I'm feeling is normal.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi OP,

 

Yes, what you're feeling is pretty normal. It's hard to process a break-up like this one. You feel deceived and betrayed so it's normal to question yourself and feel anger towards him. There's no "right" or "wrong" about it, really. You shouldn't necessarily feel one way or another. Your feelings are your feelings, and this mix of emotions you're going through isn't unusual.

 

A couple of things to note:

 

I think your biggest error comes in assuming your ex would be similar to any other guy friend, who would tell you about their private life. Because he is an ex, the dynamic is different from your other platonic friends. It doesn't usually work the same way with exes, especially relatively recent ones. He wasn't obligated to tell you about who he was dating, though if you were still having sex with him while he was having sex with other girls, the respectful thing would have been to clue you in that he wasn't being sexually monogamous with you.

 

Yes, I believe he was splitting hairs when he says you never asked about open relationships. Of course you can't be expected to ask him about every possible variation of a relationship. He's trying to cover his butt there.

 

He may have told he didn't want to sleep with you because he was already having sex with someone else and didn't feel right about it. Or he knew that you felt more strongly about him than he did about you and didn't want you to think it would mean he wanted to get back together.

 

 

Having said all of this, it's a tough lesson to learn - when one person still has feelings, staying friends and sleeping with an ex is never a good idea. A lot of us have done it, so not throwing judgement on you. As I recall (and apologies if I'm confusing you with another poster) you actually broke up with him a while ago, and this back-and-forth has been going on for a good period of time. It seems like there were plenty of red flags along the way, based on your description above and your other thread about him. Pay very close attention to those in the future. You know now you can trust your instincts when something doesn't add up. It will take time for the anger and sadness to subside. You don't need justification from anyone that your feelings are correct or incorrect. Feel whatever you want, girl.

 

Keep up No Contact. You're doing the right thing by truly cutting him out of your life this time.

[sparkle222]

Thanks expat. That was a really nice response.

 

I always knew things are different with an ex but he was so intent on how we could be friends in this deep emotional sense that I guess I eventually believed him. I couldn't understand why he was so keen on such a friendship so eventually I just took his word for it. Surely he should've just been upfront and admitted he didn't care one way or the other. I suppose he kept saying the stuff about friendship out of neediness or ego (getting a kick out of the attention or upsetting me) or a need to make himself feel like a "good" person, like he was doing me a favour or something. If he had at least 2 other relationships surely there's no need to keep an ex around for emotional support ?!

 

Yeah this is the red flag back and forth guy. I know rationally I should've gone nc ages before- I actually have but he kept coming back. In a way I'm glad this happened as the final nail in the coffin because it confirmed all my screaming instincts that he kept denying. So I have no reason to feel guilty anymore.

 

His reaction did make me feel as though none of my feelings are legitimate and that I'm just overreacting and can't have these feelings because we weren't official and I shouldn't care etc. But I just think it's mean to ask someone to care about you as a friend all year and then disregard you this way.

[contel3]

He's using the excuse to stay "friends" to keep whatever benefits you provide him with while managing down your expectations (and keeping himself guilt-free).

 

"We're friends, so you couldn't expect me to XY." This may or may not include basic decency. This is a pretty common tactic. Not only exes do this, more or less any guy who wants to get in your pants.

 

The most important thing you can learn from this is to not be "friends" with someone you actually want to be romantically involved with. If you want him as more than a friend you have to say so, if he doesn't want you on your terms, leave. Don't sell yourself short. Agreeing to less than you actually want is a recipe for what you described above: feeling like an idiot for agreeing to being treated badly. Worst part is you can't blame the other person, because you down-graded yourself.

 

You are certainly not crazy and he DID treat you badly. Just remember for the next time: be honest with yourself. Don't talk yourself into believing you want to be friends when you really don't.

You'll get around a lot of pain.