Why some women hate to "date", but prefer familiarity instead

[LookAtThisPOst]

I think this is the wave of most modern women these days. Word verbiage in the way of courtship seems to be a touchy subject

 

Some tout, "I don't want to put a label on it." or "We haven't put a label on it." situation.

 

There are some women that say, "I hate to date, so I don't." and then I think, 'prey tell, how did you procreate?"

 

"My ex, but never again...we moved way to fast and he turned out to be a real sweet heart in the beginning to a total jerk after the wedding night."

 

This leads into my situation of a woman that has been single for years and thus her aversion to "dating" by traditional standards.

 

Me and her met at an event and talked some and when it was over, I got her contact information. She kind of joke, "I usually don't give out my #, but just don't get weird" and then I thought about the ton of dic pic stories women talked about that seem never ending.

 

I joked, "Come on, give me some credit! lol" She laughed.

 

Anyhow, we had texted back and forth a few times...I asked her about if she's dated much since she's moved here (only been here a few years) and she said she doesn't really date.

 

And I was thinking she meant that she doesn't have guys asking her out nor there are opportunities of which had arisen that she would have been asked out. But she meant something different. I save it for further down.

 

she actually made the move to meet up with me kind of on the fly...she lives local and said she goes walking around this lake and wanted me to join her.

 

I was like "Wow, that's a change...she made the first move...good sign!" gave myself a pat on the back.

 

Anyhow, we really had a great time walking and talking. Turns out we had a lot more in common, into a lot of geeky sci-fi stuff and other mention-able common interests and values.

 

I made kind of a joking remark, "This is the first time I've been on a walking date." This is true, I mean...for a first date.

 

Anyhow, she remarked back, "So you think this is a date?" and I said, "Well...yeah."

 

She said, "What did you think I meant when I told you that I do dating."

 

And I told her what I had thought earlier, that I thought you meant it in general, and that considering the small town in which she lived,dating opportunities for her were not abundant.

 

She said, "No, I don't believe in dating...people move to fast and things can end pretty quickly if you don't familiarize yourself with the person first."

 

This IS a true statement. She said in her marriage, her husband literally went from good guy to evil villain pretty quickly in her one year marriage and this was the reason she's been single for over 10 years.

 

I thought I little with an open mind and thought, "Yeah, I can see where you're coming from." I could relate, because I was kind of in a situation where I moved to fast with the last woman and it muddied up things and averted focus on what mattered.

 

There are some women that believe what she believes, other not, but I HAVE come across a lot women that are much on the side of becoming familiar with a future prospect before starting to call any activities together a "date."

 

But...I have heard men voiced similar situations where men had written of these women if they gave any inkling of this behavior and didn't have an open mind enough to consider her methods.

 

Some men were possibly pr**ks and thought, "Screw you, I won't go along with it...see ya!" to men who will attempt at developing, organically, a degree of familiarity than to call it a date.

 

Question...as men should we in 2016, be aware that SOME women do NOT date in a traditional fashion? Should we adapt to this person's methodology to appear to be empathetic towards their feelings on the matter?

 

However, over time why have women considered "date" a dirty word? They seem to associate it with something VERY nasty in this day and age and as men, should we be understanding of it?

Edited April 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[LookAtThisPOst]

Wanted to add...does this fall into the same category of, "Friends first" and see what happens?

[SammySammy]

She said, "No, I don't believe in dating...people move to fast and things can end pretty quickly if you don't familiarize yourself with the person first."

I agree with her.

 

People tend to get caught up in "the rules" of dating. Who calls first, when should you kiss, how many dates to wait for sex, who pays for what ... all of these ridiculous games that have nothing to do with what dating should be about - getting to know the other person.

 

Getting to know someone is possible without this artificial framework called "dating" that doesn't really help us achieve our goals.

 

Dating has many people, male and female, confused about what they should be doing when finding a suitable partner. Confused and woefully lost.

[LookAtThisPOst]

She said, "No, I don't believe in dating...people move to fast and things can end pretty quickly if you don't familiarize yourself with the person first."

I agree with her.

 

People tend to get caught up in "the rules" of dating. Who calls first, when should you kiss, how many dates to wait for sex, who pays for what ... all of these ridiculous games that have nothing to do with what dating should be about - getting to know the other person.

 

Getting to know someone is possible without this artificial framework called "dating" that doesn't really help us achieve our goals.

 

Dating has many people, male and female, confused about what they should be doing when finding a suitable partner. Confused and woefully lost.

 

I am glad you said this, as I had quite a few pick-up artists friends who heard similar scenarios that completely wrote off these women, in my opinion, prematurely.

 

I'm sure we'll get people here saying, "Dude, drop her like a lead weight, she isn't interested."

[SammySammy]

I am glad you said this, as I had quite a few pick-up artists friends who heard similar scenarios that completely wrote off these women, in my opinion, prematurely.

 

I'm sure we'll get people here saying, "Dude, drop her like a lead weight, she isn't interested."

 

That's interesting.

 

Pick up artists should thrive in that scenario. Getting to know someone in a free-flowing and natural way is the essence of pick up in my opinion. Being that person she chooses to be with - that's game.

 

Needing a date, a woman to commit early, or some other constraint is for

guys with no game.

[LookAtThisPOst]

That's interesting.

 

Pick up artists should thrive in that scenario. Getting to know someone in a free-flowing and natural way is the essence of pick up in my opinion. Being that person she chooses to be with - that's game.

 

Needing a date, a woman to commit early, or some other constraint is for

guys with no game.

 

You do put it in perspective, MidKnight. I was enamored by the fact she made the first move to ask me out.

[salparadise]

Question...as men should we in 2016, be aware that SOME women do NOT date in a traditional fashion? Should we adapt to this person's methodology to appear to be empathetic towards their feelings on the matter?

 

Generally speaking, I think they've probably got walls up, are emotionally unavailable, overly cautious or are looking for some kind of guarantee (which doesn't exist) before opening up.

 

A smart dater will play along briefly is she seems worth it, but if he can't progress things after a reasonable amount of time he moves on. It's akin to the friend zone. She likes attention and likes knowing there is an eligible guy wooing, but it's a one-way street. She gives nothing much back beyond pseudo friendship.

 

Some women (and men) will waste your time without conscience or remorse. They'll like you if you follow along like a neutered puppy dog, but you're not going to get any respect. I think you should concentrate on women who are ready to date and aren't afraid to say so.

[loveweary11]

You found a good one!

 

Intelligent, witty, creative.

 

She has a very centered approach to getting to know people. Very refreshing even to read about.

 

Congrats

[LookAtThisPOst]

You found a good one!

 

Intelligent, witty, creative.

 

She has a very centered approach to getting to know people. Very refreshing even to read about.

 

Congrats

 

Thank you....Salparadise...completely polar opposite feedback on this...why is this?

 

Funny, some commend this woman on her dating smartly, while others see it as her not emotional ready to date. I find that hard to believe after a decade of her having been single. She even attributes her single-ness by following this philosophy and avoiding men who move too fast.

 

I recall telling some guy friends of some date I went on. They would ask me, "Did you kiss her good night?" and I said I did...kiss her on the cheek.

 

And like a bunch of apes beating their chests,"Duuuuude...you blew it maaaan! You should have laid one on her lips!"

 

Apparently a lot men gauge relationship material from a woman based how intimate you get on a first date. That "laying on on her" can be the basis on whether she is interested or not...when in fact, there are other consequences to consider.

 

I recall women complaining about first date octopuses (couldn't keep their hands to their selves) and then later these guys b*tch about how she's a tease and such, disrespecting her boundaries.

 

Of course, there will come a time where intimacy will come to pass, but some PUA's seem to have this rigid format that they apply to ALL women when it comes to first dates

 

OH, and also the 3 date rule..."She must be willing to have sex on the third date, if not...she's friend zoned you...so dump her!"

 

I hear things like that, and found it rather disturbing AND I can see why the divorce rates and relationship hopping is so friggin' HIGH.

 

Everyone is in such a rush to sleep with each other. It's sad.

 

Even I sometimes don't feel comfortable enough to kiss on a first date.

 

Her being this cautious is the reason she told me she's been single for years.

Edited April 6, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[WaitingForBardot]

There seem to be people that want to completely vet out a suitor in order to see if they are relationship material before progressing and at the other extreme those that vet them out by actually trying to have a relationship with them. These two types seem to be only compatible with some difficulty.

 

The good news is that for every person that thinks you're too fast/slow, there's another that thinks you're too slow/fast, and yet another that thinks you're just about right, or at least close enough.

[PegNosePete]

Generally speaking, I think they've probably got walls up, are emotionally unavailable, overly cautious or are looking for some kind of guarantee (which doesn't exist) before opening up.

 

A smart dater will play along briefly is she seems worth it, but if he can't progress things after a reasonable amount of time he moves on. It's akin to the friend zone. She likes attention and likes knowing there is an eligible guy wooing, but it's a one-way street. She gives nothing much back beyond pseudo friendship.

 

Some women (and men) will waste your time without conscience or remorse. They'll like you if you follow along like a neutered puppy dog, but you're not going to get any respect. I think you should concentrate on women who are ready to date and aren't afraid to say so.

Totally agree with all of this.

[LookAtThisPOst]

The good news is that for every person that thinks you're too fast/slow, there's another that thinks you're too slow/fast, and yet another that thinks you're just about right, or at least close enough.

 

Nailed it!!

 

I have to say, I'm a man and I prefer to move slower than most men and I believe I found a woman that I'm on the same page with in that regards.

 

Like her, I had gone through an experienced where I rushed things, and it wound up not so good based on that.

 

So being relate-able to her in that regards would put us on the same page.

 

There seem to be people that want to completely vet out a suitor in order to see if they are relationship material before progressing and at the other extreme those that vet them out by actually trying to have a relationship with them. These two types seem to be only compatible with some difficulty.

 

This is actually the first time I've seen a post expressing this. Good call!

[BlueIris]

This is what she’s thinking and feeling:

"…people move to fast and things can end pretty quickly if you don't familiarize yourself with the person first."

 

She wants to relax and get to know you or other people before any pressure or assumptions click in. But you’re now upset about the words and concluding that modern women are messed up in some way. EXACTLY why people have gotten so wary!

 

There are women AND men who pick apart words, dig for deeper meanings and jump down your throat about whatever word you might use, so lots of people are wary.

 

A heck of a lot of people have entered a somewhat Orwellian mode where words don’t mean what they normally meant. Heck, people even question, debate and argue about what regular old dictionary words “really mean”- like “nice” doesn’t mean “nice” to some people any more! “Fun”? Oooh, some people think that means free sex. Don’t use “fun!” It’s a freaking word-minefield for some folks and there are word-bullies of both sexes.

 

The word “date”? I’ve heard some people assert with great confidence that “dating” means you’re in a relationship kind of, or having sex, or if you’re dating its expected that you’ll have sex, or if you aren’t exclusive with one person after X number of “dates” (or hanging out or texting or sex, or whatever that person’s internal rules are) you’re bad because you’re multi-dating, and multi-dating is bad. Eek! Yeah, might want to avoid all that.

 

“Date” isn’t the only one. “Just want to date for a while”? “Friends first”? “Keep it casual”? “Don’t want to get serious yet”? “Just want to have fun for a while”? “Nice”? “Fun”? You name it and it’s been decimated at some point by some people who’ve given ominous negative “real” meaning in their minds. It’s a minefield!

 

Of course, the solution is not to “date” (ha!) people who are going to have emotional reactions to normal dictionary words and who jump down your throat or think the worst of you or your kind.

[SwordofFlame]

Friends first approach to dating could only work if it's actually friends first. Can't use that as an excuse to expect the other person to treat you like a romantic interest while you're only treating them like a platonic friend.

[BlueIris]

Funny, some commend this woman on her dating smartly, while others see it as her not emotional ready to date. ...

 

Yeah, well... some people always have their dysfunction-microscopes focused in. Don't date them.

 

If you like her, relax and enjoy her. If you don't enjoy her any more, stop seeing her. Be nice.

[LookAtThisPOst]

This is what she’s thinking and feeling:

 

 

She wants to relax and get to know you or other people before any pressure or assumptions click in. But you’re now upset about the words and concluding that modern women are messed up in some way. EXACTLY why people have gotten so wary!

 

There are women AND men who pick apart words, dig for deeper meanings and jump down your throat about whatever word you might use, so lots of people are wary.

 

A heck of a lot of people have entered a somewhat Orwellian mode where words don’t mean what they normally meant. Heck, people even question, debate and argue about what regular old dictionary words “really mean”- like “nice” doesn’t mean “nice” to some people any more! “Fun”? Oooh, some people think that means free sex. Don’t use “fun!” It’s a freaking word-minefield for some folks and there are word-bullies of both sexes.

 

The word “date”? I’ve heard some people assert with great confidence that “dating” means you’re in a relationship kind of, or having sex, or if you’re dating its expected that you’ll have sex, or if you aren’t exclusive with one person after X number of “dates” (or hanging out or texting or sex, or whatever that person’s internal rules are) you’re bad because you’re multi-dating, and multi-dating is bad. Eek! Yeah, might want to avoid all that.

 

“Date” isn’t the only one. “Just want to date for a while”? “Friends first”? “Keep it casual”? “Don’t want to get serious yet”? “Just want to have fun for a while”? “Nice”? “Fun”? You name it and it’s been decimated at some point by some people who’ve given ominous negative “real” meaning in their minds. It’s a minefield!

 

Of course, the solution is not to “date” (ha!) people who are going to have emotional reactions to normal dictionary words and who jump down your throat or think the worst of you or your kind.

 

I want to clarify...I'm partially upset at the whole semantics battles that we wind up in, but in the case of this woman...I can take exception on not be upset. I can see where she's coming from, because I've experienced what she's experienced as the consequences of moving too quickly.

 

I did concur on that with her.

 

But, in general, it does get irritating when people prefer to play a game of mental gymnastics, wordplay and semantics on the chosen words of your dating verbiage. lol "Minefield" is a good one.

[LookAtThisPOst]

What's funny is my parents would make fun of our generations way of dating or, as they say, "So you guys go on a date or whatever you guys/gals call it this week? LOL!"

 

Our older generations just shake their heads when it comes to their following generations' courtship process.

 

My dad met my mom on the beach, they dated, not much longer after that they were engaged and then married for 40+ years.

[Curiousroxy86]

I think this is the wave of most modern women these days. Word verbiage in the way of courtship seems to be a touchy subject

 

Some tout, "I don't want to put a label on it." or "We haven't put a label on it." situation.

 

There are some women that say, "I hate to date, so I don't." and then I think, 'prey tell, how did you procreate?"

 

"My ex, but never again...we moved way to fast and he turned out to be a real sweet heart in the beginning to a total jerk after the wedding night."

 

This leads into my situation of a woman that has been single for years and thus her aversion to "dating" by traditional standards.

 

Me and her met at an event and talked some and when it was over, I got her contact information. She kind of joke, "I usually don't give out my #, but just don't get weird" and then I thought about the ton of dic pic stories women talked about that seem never ending.

 

I joked, "Come on, give me some credit! lol" She laughed.

 

Anyhow, we had texted back and forth a few times...I asked her about if she's dated much since she's moved here (only been here a few years) and she said she doesn't really date.

 

And I was thinking she meant that she doesn't have guys asking her out nor there are opportunities of which had arisen that she would have been asked out. But she meant something different. I save it for further down.

 

she actually made the move to meet up with me kind of on the fly...she lives local and said she goes walking around this lake and wanted me to join her.

 

I was like "Wow, that's a change...she made the first move...good sign!" gave myself a pat on the back.

 

Anyhow, we really had a great time walking and talking. Turns out we had a lot more in common, into a lot of geeky sci-fi stuff and other mention-able common interests and values.

 

I made kind of a joking remark, "This is the first time I've been on a walking date." This is true, I mean...for a first date.

 

Anyhow, she remarked back, "So you think this is a date?" and I said, "Well...yeah."

 

She said, "What did you think I meant when I told you that I do dating."

 

And I told her what I had thought earlier, that I thought you meant it in general, and that considering the small town in which she lived,dating opportunities for her were not abundant.

 

She said, "No, I don't believe in dating...people move to fast and things can end pretty quickly if you don't familiarize yourself with the person first."

 

This IS a true statement. She said in her marriage, her husband literally went from good guy to evil villain pretty quickly in her one year marriage and this was the reason she's been single for over 10 years.

 

I thought I little with an open mind and thought, "Yeah, I can see where you're coming from." I could relate, because I was kind of in a situation where I moved to fast with the last woman and it muddied up things and averted focus on what mattered.

 

There are some women that believe what she believes, other not, but I HAVE come across a lot women that are much on the side of becoming familiar with a future prospect before starting to call any activities together a "date."

 

But...I have heard men voiced similar situations where men had written of these women if they gave any inkling of this behavior and didn't have an open mind enough to consider her methods.

 

Some men were possibly pr**ks and thought, "Screw you, I won't go along with it...see ya!" to men who will attempt at developing, organically, a degree of familiarity than to call it a date.

 

Question...as men should we in 2016, be aware that SOME women do NOT date in a traditional fashion? Should we adapt to this person's methodology to appear to be empathetic towards their feelings on the matter?

 

However, over time why have women considered "date" a dirty word? They seem to associate it with something VERY nasty in this day and age and as men, should we be understanding of it?

 

Well "date" isn't a dirty word for me. However I can relate to the previous marriage going south. And the whole not taking the time to really get to know the person before choosing exclusivity. So I don't mind going on "dates" to get to know the person but it would be a long time before agreeing to exclusivity.