Preparing for NC but unsure how...

[daisy69]

I began seeing this wonderful guy about two years ago. He's a great single father. Anyways, we have a lot of respect for each other, sex was good, not great, but good. We saw each other every other weekend, when he didn't have his kids. The relationship kinda ended up being, in my mind, f^&* buddies basically because I was never included or even contacted when he had his kids. But, I was fine with that because I had told him I wanted to be me for a while and wasn't looking for a relationship as I had just come out of one and had never had the opportunity to be alone and know what I like, etc.. He was completely fine with that.

 

 

fast forward to a year into the "relationship", and I meet this MM, the first time we met , there was instant attraction. I was actually introduced because they were acquaintances. We became FB friends and he would message me on occasion. purely platonic at the time. This was in February and by June, it had developed into an EA. then, he began to come to my house, when he could and we would be all over each other, making out, etc. We would discuss our chemistry and how strong it was. I refrained from sex because of obvious reasons and I was also afraid it would reduce my attraction to the guy I was occasionally seeing, yet I couldn't stay away. MM was worried about his guilt if he gave in and had sex, etc.

 

 

Fast forward to January, almost one year later. We finally did it and as I feared, it was best I had ever had in my life. He says to too but Im not sure I believe that as he is desired by many (due to his career), but I really didn't mind, after all, no expectations, right?

 

 

Now, yet another year later and it is still going on. I manage to keep the guy I was originally seeing at arms length and MM says he is clearly not for me, and he is right. But I have managed to abstain from sex with the guy I was originally seeing because I just find it hard to be with two men and also, its just not even anywhere near the same in comparison.

 

 

I will stop there as im sure I can fill in blanks as I start getting questions.

 

 

thanks so much as I feel absolutely terrible and I just fear that Im so clouded, I don't even know what is truly the right thing to do here. I know what is morally right, but doing it and knowing it are two different ball games here.

 

 

thanks for your time.

[Popsicle]

Lol.

 

Tell the single F-buddy guy that he has been replaced by a MM who was at least willing to have an emotional connection with you, as well.

 

Tell him in those exact words.

 

That'll fix him. Lol

[Popsicle]

And I think you know you need to drop them both. They both suck.

[daisy69]

popsicle, I was actually hoping you would answer! haha!

 

 

Yeah, no emotional connection whatsoever with SG. Yet he tries so hard to force one.

 

 

Drop them both? hmmmm, I have tried a lot with single guy. he says, "you're perfect the way you are", yet gets mad if I don't go out with him when he van go out. Says he's tired of explaining how we are on, then, off, etc. I say hey, that's totally understandable. Then, I think he's being cool, and ill agree to go out and then he wants a full on relationship again.

 

 

Last night he posted a pic on FB with us about how great I was. I guess the guilt got the best of me and I asked him to please remove that immediately.

 

 

Now, hes deleted his fb account.

 

 

Its a cycle with him. I haven't even slept with him since July. I honestly don't think I could at this point.

[anika99]

Did the single guy really agree that your relationship was just f**kbuddies or is that how you are rewriting it so that you don't have to admit that you cheated on him? I mean just because he was maturely and sensibly keeping his children out of his dating life doesn't mean that he couldn't have the expectation of monogamy and honesty from his gf.

 

 

You know the relationship with the MM is going nowhere. You are wasting your time with him.

[daisy69]

Did the single guy really agree that your relationship was just f**kbuddies or is that how you are rewriting it so that you don't have to admit that you cheated on him? I mean just because he was maturely and sensibly keeping his children out of his dating life doesn't mean that he couldn't have the expectation of monogamy and honesty from his gf.

 

 

You know the relationship with the MM is going nowhere. You are wasting your time with him.

 

 

I think both. I told him from beginning I didn't want a relationship. He made it clear he did not want to be f** buddies. we never really agreed upon either, just expressed what we both wanted and went out occasionally.

 

 

This MM situation has really gotten complicated (I know I'm to blame as well), but in reality, we wont be together. I know this, would I be fully happy and at peace if it did.

 

 

as selfish as it seems, which is why I hold on, is how will I ever find that chemistry again? I am no spring chicken and I have never experienced sex like this. that does sound awful but I am ready to move on yet, I don't know how.

[daisy69]

As I read all these threads, they're all different yet totally the same.

 

 

why do we do this to ourselves? there has to be some underlying reasons.

 

 

Anyones Father cheat?

[MissBee]

At least dump the single guy.

 

You don't have a relationship really, you see him occasionally, the sex is ok, but you say you're not even having sex now and he's at arm's length, so why would he need to still be around? Doesn't seem like much of a loss to cut him off completely...unless he's just a weak fall back plan or buffer for MM?

 

As for the MM....I mean, I don't know what to tell you. I know it's not easy to cut him off, so all I can say is maybe erect some boundaries with him? Yes sure, lots of OW say yes they know they won't be together or he won't leave and they don't want him to and/or it's just sex, but end up basically treating MM like their bf, get emotionally attached and then wake up one day and realize it's not just about sex and they are invested and are cut off from other dating opportunities or chances to have a real relationship because they are too caught up with MM. So that's my word of caution. I think if MM is a f()ck buddy where you kinda just have sex every now and again it's one thing, but having an emotional relationship too, talking all the time, discussing your chemistry etc leads to deeper feelings and once those hit it becomes pretty hard to think clearly or at least, act on what you know is best...

[whichwayisup]

Why aren't you ending it with the guy with two kids? As for the MM, that's going no where as he's married. You are picking men who aren't putting you first! A guy who can't commit (single guy with kids) to you, involve you in his daily life and now a MM - A guy who has a wife and can't commit and involve you in his daily life.

 

I know you won't but I hope you end it with both men and find a great single guy who will adore you and take you out in public and BE present on all levels not just behind closed doors.

[whichwayisup]

As I read all these threads, they're all different yet totally the same.

 

 

why do we do this to ourselves? there has to be some underlying reasons.

 

 

Anyones Father cheat?

 

If you have issues from your past, then sort it out and fix it by going to counseling. You're an adult, a grown woman and one can't use their childhood hurts forever for making poor choices that are unhealthy.

[ZHguy]

I'm going to give input from my experience of being with a MM.

 

It seems to me first of all, that you and single-man are in a relationship in which not one of the partners have had 'the talk' with the other, indicating some kind of lack of communication between the two (am I right?).

You should 'Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option' (M. Angelou), and in the beginning single man made you an option. To me though, it seems like single man has slowly started to want more, which has left both of you confusing, especially you. Never mind the fact that he didn't give you more when you wanted more. So if he can't accommodate to what you wanted so badly (which then implies that he won't be able to be considerate and caring in the future*), then why should you accommodate to what he wants now.

 

IMO, why don't you have a proper talk with single man, because you need to know who is your f***-buddy, and who is your boyfriend.

 

*Bear in mind that I could be wrong, which is if single man treats his f***-buddies inconsiderately like he treated you previously, but treats his girlfriends with consideration (which then means he will always treat you nicely in the future... it's something to think about).

 

Whatever the situation is, it does boil down to who you want to be with.

[ZHguy]

If you have issues from your past, then sort it out and fix it by going to counseling. You're an adult, a grown woman and one can't use their childhood hurts forever for making poor choices that are unhealthy.

 

While I do agree with the statement that she shouldn't use her childhood hurts forever for making...etc. I don't think 'sorting her past out' will solve the present anymore, because she has gone way ahead of the past with her actions.

A mental health professional will certainly help her (and me, and anyone else that needs it, there should be no stigma attached).

[daisy69]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I am totally heartbroken but this is my own fault so I'm trying to woman up here and take my medicine. Brief summary of last 2 years (approximately), He's married, I was head over heels, soul mates,

(Yeah, yeah, blah, blah) I was empathic...him, narcissist. He is a well know musician in our small town, so pretty big ego, to say the least. But I sure could feed it. We communicated daily, to where it was truly too time consuming yet, I craved it and he was great at advice with my "almost" relationships that of course never came to fruition because of him (well, me). I always made sure I was readily available for his minimal stolen moments, usually after gigs, freshly showered, wine, candles, massage, music, etc. Well, he had to have surgery and I think we both were thinking the same. We were preparing for our longest time apart. My thoughts were, here is my chance to break away.

 

 

You see it was hard to date others when I was still fantasizing over my times with him, always knowing there would be no comparison so I would block out everyone else and deep down, I knew I couldn't be his mistress forever. Yet somehow, I always resisted that intuition because of his words and my blindness to who I thought he was. He can say the right things. He is a genius, very clever man.. So, After a few weeks, hes recovered, and he asks to see me a few times. I said no but just in an aloof way where basically my time schedule didn't fit his, sorry, lets try again. same ole thing. his schedule. Then, I took off work to do some donations and I kinda wanted him to know. I was missing him pretty much. So he says "ok, I'm just gonna come out and say it, I miss you and want to come make love to you." I melted of course and against my better judgement, conceded. It wasn't the same. I messaged him next day and he said it was great, but he didn't want to get all "mushy" about it. hmmm ok, I see. He is broadening his music and he will flourish, no doubt and I am truly happy for him but I have been there for him thru all his medical condition, and depression. Now, I feel as though he has moved on and doesn't feel I am any use to him or possibly has someone new. Our communication, which was daily, has ceased so now, all I have as confirmation is what is not being said anymore so it has cleared things up for me now. sadly.

 

 

I have to block him for my own sanity and avoid local places where he will be playing but I am unsure if I should just do it or if I should let him know what a narcissist he truly is. His wife thinks he is amazing. He got her flowers for valentines day, then stayed the night at my house next day so she hasn't a clue. But I always thought it as strange that he was having affair yet his wife adored him. To me that, is more alarming than an affair itself. I am hurt and angry but I have no desire to retaliate and I know I will never do this again..EVER but I sure was totally in love with who I THOUGHT this man was but I was very very stupid.

 

 

Again, my question is this...should I send him a message through facebook before I block all our methods of communication. I definitely want to end it with "needless to say, don't ever contact me again." although I kind of want to call him out on his bs. I think he needs to know how he hurt me. Maybe I am too emotional right now but I am truly crushed.

 

 

Thank you for reading this self created nonsense.

[Maddieandtae]

Daisy if he really is narcissistic than calling him out on it won't make any difference will it? In my opinion when an person is stuck in an affair such as you described yours, block and walk away, heck any affair block and walk. No last words will change what was wrong in the first place to get involved with an attached person. One day you will look back and be thankful that you left this behind.

[daisy69]

Daisy if he really is narcissistic than calling him out on it won't make any difference will it? In my opinion when an person is stuck in an affair such as you described yours, block and walk away, heck any affair block and walk. No last words will change what was wrong in the first place to get involved with an attached person. One day you will look back and be thankful that you left this behind.

 

I understand that aspect too but, I just want him to know that I wasn't that stupid after all. Since our communication has slowed down and he cant beguile me with his words, I see it. he always said things like how generous he was and he seriously thinks he is so good to people. Is it bad for me to want him to know that I know the real him and that he is not genuine?

[daisy69]

One of the main things too that Im angry about is that I told him I was opening up and doing better during our time apart. He KNEW that I had concerns about our seeing each other again yet he kept asking because he knew I wouldn't resist if he kept up enough, then he comes over and makes love to me, rushes away and says he doesn't want to get mushy about it and hopes he can see me again in 3 weeks. Why would someone ask, knowing I was having a hard time?

[Satu]

You are still locked into the game.

 

I say that because it still matters to you what he thinks, and you still want to influence his thinking.

 

The only way you can leave the game is to go for totally airtight NC.

 

 

That means an end to all communication and interaction forever.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[tillwemeetagain]

if you think sending him last message is best so you will not crave to message him again when you start the NC...because if you will not send him message and you think it is to let him know it will always bother you. time to time. but then are you sure that you just wanted to let him know.because he might think that you are just telling that to make him come back and give you time again.. you well known him of what he will think about it.. but if I were in your situation I will not send him any message. if somehow he treats you as important to him he will realize it that you are no longer contacting him...

[BuddyX]

So he was with his wife for Val Day and then with you on the 15th? That's not smart, that's just gross. You got sloppy seconds.

 

Look, you said he's got an ego and is a musician. Do you actually believe you're the only side piece?

 

No Contact. You can do better

[daisy69]

I just don't want him to think I hate him or am jealous of his career. I sure am gonna miss his advice but I think he did teach me some things. Yep, worried about what his opinion is of me still. This makes me sick. Is this a normal feeling? I mean once I do it, there is no gong back.

[daisy69]

So he was with his wife for Val Day and then with you on the 15th? That's not smart, that's just gross. You got sloppy seconds.

 

Look, you said he's got an ego and is a musician. Do you actually believe you're the only side piece?

 

No Contact. You can do better

 

Yep, I always got seconds I suppose and I have thought there were others, true. I know, I have been very dumb.

[daisy69]

if you think sending him last message is best so you will not crave to message him again when you start the NC...because if you will not send him message and you think it is to let him know it will always bother you. time to time. but then are you sure that you just wanted to let him know.because he might think that you are just telling that to make him come back and give you time again.. you well known him of what he will think about it.. but if I were in your situation I will not send him any message. if somehow he treats you as important to him he will realize it that you are no longer contacting him...

 

 

 

Ok, I see...good point. Again, I just want him to know because I would, if it were me.

[tillwemeetagain]

I just don't want him to think I hate him or am jealous of his career. I sure am gonna miss his advice but I think he did teach me some things. Yep, worried about what his opinion is of me still. This makes me sick. Is this a normal feeling? I mean once I do it, there is no gong back.

 

 

 

 

that is just normal because you still think he is important to you. and if you feel that you are not yet sure about the NC don't do it. because it will jus save you time and effort. let it be what ever happens next. then if you are really sure about the Nc thing that's the time you do it.

[Satu]

I just don't want him to think I hate him or am jealous of his career. I sure am gonna miss his advice but I think he did teach me some things. Yep, worried about what his opinion is of me still. This makes me sick. Is this a normal feeling? I mean once I do it, there is no gong back.

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

 

The fact that you think it does is an ingredient of the glue that is keeping you stuck.

 

You can't make him think what you want him to think.

Edited April 6, 2016 by Satu

[daisy69]

I will have to decide how to create a new user name on this game because I can see when he is online. Im hoping once I unfriend and block, he will disappear. I don't wanna know what hes doing. Its healthier for me.

Edited April 6, 2016 by daisy69