General online and other dating discussion

[candie13]

how does it go for you? Do you enjoy it? How is it different? did you try both?

 

I've done OLD for the last 3 years and I have recently stopped. Stopped OLD and stopped dating, taking some time for myself. I find myself really enjoying the fact of taking my time, I like meeting people in real life, I can't say it's massively exciting, but it feels a lot more real. There's something about men not being sure if a woman would say yes if they straight up ask her out. About building the connection. About feeling the other person.

 

Like I said, I'm not dating anyone, but I am not dead either. I have men hitting on me, so it's cool. Just nothing - no one interesting, around me. I don't mind that.

 

How's it going for you, anyone not using OLD and still dating? How do you enjoy it, how do you find the experience?

[d0nnivain]

Years ago when I was still dating I tried OLD for a whopping 90 days. I didn't care for the experience. The service delivered what it promised but I was disheartened by the whole process. I felt like I opened my computer to be rejected multiple times every day. It hurt. I was never sure about the person on the other end. I found myself lowering my standards; the few met I actually met were never guys I would have dated had I met them IRL in person first. They just didn't hold any sex appeal for me; then I felt bad for saying no to a 2nd date because I realize that it's no fun to be rejected but that was far less cruel then trying to date men I couldn't bring myself to kiss.

 

I have always preferred the give & take of real life interactions.

[Larryville]

There is another thread talking about OLD profiles and the usual frustration on both sides. The thing about OLD is for me specifically I have NO choice. I'm 52 years old and while I could go out and maybe bump into a random woman I doubt seriously I'm going to run into anyone where the interest and attraction across the board would be mutual.

I said earlier while OLD is sometimes frustrating, virtually all the woman I met I was not generally disappointed with any. However more importantly there would be absolutely no way I would have or could have met ANY of them.

I work on a college campus, in a college town, my co-workers are all married or much younger. I have no family in the area, my close and long term friends and family live on either coast, I generally don't like going out to loud bars and even if I did the women who would generally be at those bars and hangouts are likely not someone I would date long term.

 

As C13 said most women or quality nowadays are just focusing on themselves and if you were to meet them in the street or market or something they just might want to have a little fun but that is it.

I get most people can and do have the ability to meet and greet folks where they hang out, bookstores, churches, cafe's, museums? Met wife #2 on the old Love@aol some might remember, she was this big time attorney. There is absolutely no way possible I could have ever met her other than OLD.

I guess I could hold a fictitious gun to my head and attempt to meet someone IRL, I'm being honest when I say I would not even know how to do that or where that would be.

[candie13]

There is another thread talking about OLD profiles and the usual frustration on both sides. The thing about OLD is for me specifically I have NO choice. I'm 52 years old and while I could go out and maybe bump into a random woman I doubt seriously I'm going to run into anyone where the interest and attraction across the board would be mutual.

I said earlier while OLD is sometimes frustrating, virtually all the woman I met I was not generally disappointed with any. However more importantly there would be absolutely no way I would have or could have met ANY of them.

I work on a college campus, in a college town, my co-workers are all married or much younger. I have no family in the area, my close and long term friends and family live on either coast, I generally don't like going out to loud bars and even if I did the women who would generally be at those bars and hangouts are likely not someone I would date long term.

 

As C13 said most women or quality nowadays are just focusing on themselves and if you were to meet them in the street or market or something they just might want to have a little fun but that is it.

I get most people can and do have the ability to meet and greet folks where they hang out, bookstores, churches, cafe's, museums? Met wife #2 on the old Love@aol some might remember, she was this big time attorney. There is absolutely no way possible I could have ever met her other than OLD.

I guess I could hold a fictitious gun to my head and attempt to meet someone IRL, I'm being honest when I say I would not even know how to do that or where that would be.

 

thank you for a very honest post, Larry.

 

I'm 35. I have been trying over and over again on OLD, I think I was trying to hard that I've forgotten what I was actually searching for.

 

I do feel, like you, that OLD offers a lot more immediate and available partners, interested in dating.

 

I think, in my case, I perhaps don't really want to date the same way I used to. I don't think it's OLD, I think it's how I was using it. Too much, too intense, too many expectations, choosing the wrong people, going out with too many people, not weeding well enough, lacking patience, you name it.

 

I am fine to rebuild myself. I feel that dating outside OLD it's like slow food. So many additional flavors, a lot more pleasure, all in the simple act of eating. But yes, one needs to have the time to enjoy that and a lot of other things: cash, location, etc.

 

I feel that, at 35, I have other choices. I'm not bound to hang on tight to OLD yet. And if it doesn't work out, if I don't meet anyone, I am fine none the less. The little times when I do go out, men approach me, though. Not a lot of men. Not the best quality men.

 

I do have a lot of fixing to do first. I am happy to not be actively dating. I am happy to be lukewarm about it. I am happy to keep a finger in it, just to see what the temperature is. I feel so great to be released of that anxiousness, that pressure to date, mate and procreate. It poisoned my life.

 

I'm happy to keep it like that for some time. It's really healing. And I'm enjoying the little games and the little flirts none the least, even if they don't lead to sexy dates. I think I'm the exact opposite of men who have the killer instinct - ''get the girl, get her phone number, get her to go out with you, get her to sleep with you, next'', lol !

Edited April 29, 2016 by candie13

[carhill]

I'm not dating yet but where I'm in the process of moving to I've met a lot of single women my age and this is encouraging as, really, the only reason I turned to OLD in the mid-90's was because, save for a very few people personal friends introduced me to, I *never* met a woman IRL who didn't have a boyfriend or wasn't married. Heh, I even dated a few of those.

 

TBH, I had good experiences with both methods, of course excluding all the married/committed people, and met my wife through OLD. I predict I'll meet my next love interest the way you're going right now, IRL out and about. It will be unexpected and probably through social contacts I'm making where I'm moving to. Meanwhile, my exW and I are still on good terms and that keeps my memories of OLD positive.

[ASG]

I'm "dating", in that I'm open to dating, but right now I have no prospects and haven't been asked out by anyone recently.

 

But I'm not using OLD. I tried it in earnest last year on and off and it just felt weird... It's not for me. I prefer meeting people in real life. I also find that I give people more of a chance if I meet them in person first than if I just get a message.

 

So, I can't say that it's going splendidly, because, like I said, I'm not actually going on any dates, but it does feel like it's the right thing for me to do, to not use OLD.

[candie13]

I'm not dating yet but where I'm in the process of moving to I've met a lot of single women my age and this is encouraging as, really, the only reason I turned to OLD in the mid-90's was because, save for a very few people personal friends introduced me to, I *never* met a woman IRL who didn't have a boyfriend or wasn't married. Heh, I even dated a few of those.

 

TBH, I had good experiences with both methods, of course excluding all the married/committed people, and met my wife through OLD. I predict I'll meet my next love interest the way you're going right now, IRL out and about. It will be unexpected and probably through social contacts I'm making where I'm moving to. Meanwhile, my exW and I are still on good terms and that keeps my memories of OLD positive.

I wish you do meet a lady that makes you happy.

 

I really don't discriminate between OLD and real life. I'm a decent person and I did OLD. I am sure plenty of decent people are on OLD too. I just think / feel I'm not ready for the insanity of multiple dating. Not that, all over again.

 

I don't enjoy the killing. I really really enjoy the discovery phase. The build up. I think people can lie a lot during the dating period. I feel that getting to know a person before jumping into the dating, observing them in their natural habitat, waiting for the attraction to build, discovering the other person, not jumping into dating 2 feet before, not having at least 3 or for other men mindf*cking me with their messages trying to sleep with me, not treating men like they're interchangeable, but like individuals, respectfully... I like that.

 

Maybe I was simply doing wrong. I do admit that my drug was the other people, I was high on the excitement, like most adult children of abusive/alcoholic parents.

 

It's exactly why I'm taking time to rebuild myself and explore a whole lot more my codependent nature. If I shed light on it, hopefully I can break it.

[candie13]

I'm "dating", in that I'm open to dating, but right now I have no prospects and haven't been asked out by anyone recently.

 

But I'm not using OLD. I tried it in earnest last year on and off and it just felt weird...

 

So, I can't say that it's going splendidly, because, like I said, I'm not actually going on any dates, but it does feel like it's the right thing for me to do, to not use OLD.

 

I relate a lot to this part of your post.

 

There's a very achievement oriented part in my that is highly compatible with how OLD works, but that is one area where I think one cannot just rationally achieve things. They either happen or they don't. I believe in a more organical approach and I admit that it was hard to let go and accept that this is not something I can control, not even through using OLD.

 

I did not meet the men I dated in my longest RS through OLD. Those RS also started over 10 years ago. MAybe I just need to stay away long enough to get "hungry" again, I dunno. I'm good now. I like my healthy me.

Edited April 29, 2016 by candie13

[Jabron1]

Well, I haven't had a date in a couple of weeks, and I've been in a really relaxed mood. I might even consider a break . But, technically I am in the dating scene right now.

 

I don't use online dating. I've always had a very low opinion of it.

 

I finally tried it out for a few months after breaking up with my ex last year. I was being lazy, just getting over my relationship and drifting. Part of my problem is that I couldn't really be bothered, and I think that showed in my results. Basically, I wasn't getting anywhere near the same success online as I was in real life. Ended up closing my profiles, pulling my socks up, and getting back to real life game.

 

Real life is much more satisfying and productive - for me at least.

 

There's just something lame about sending a girl a message online, one of a hundred she'll get that week. When I could just walk over and start a conversation.

[candie13]

Well, I haven't had a date in a couple of weeks, and I've been in a really relaxed mood. I might even consider a break . But, technically I am in the dating scene right now.

 

I don't use online dating. I've always had a very low opinion of it.

 

I finally tried it out for a few months after breaking up with my ex last year. I was being lazy, just getting over my relationship and drifting. Part of my problem is that I couldn't really be bothered, and I think that showed in my results. Basically, I wasn't getting anywhere near the same success online as I was in real life. Ended up closing my profiles, pulling my socks up, and getting back to real life game.

 

Real life is much more satisfying and productive - for me at least.

 

There's just something lame about sending a girl a message online, one of a hundred she'll get that week. When I could just walk over and start a conversation.

 

amazing post, J, thank you for your contribution.

 

MAy I ask you how old you are? Where do you meet these women? What attracts you to them? How to do you decide whom to approach and when?

 

thanks a lot, cheers !

[SammySammy]

It's easier for me to meet people in person. I've met people online, but not through OLD sites. I don't remember ever having an OLD account. It was never necessary.

 

The challenge of meeting somebody in person is much more natural and fun to me. That's how I prefer to do it.

[candie13]

It's easier for me to meet people in person. I've met people online, but not through OLD sites. I don't remember ever having an OLD account. It was never necessary.

 

The challenge of meeting somebody in person is much more natural and fun to me. That's how I prefer to do it.

how coool !!! where do you meet women? what do you do, what's your strategy, whom do you approach? when and whom? Do you have a type, a profile ?

 

cheers

[Jabron1]

amazing post, J, thank you for your contribution.

 

No worries

 

MAy I ask you how old you are?

 

I'm 29.

 

 

Where do you meet these women?

 

Anywhere. On the street, at the train-station, in the pub, etc.

 

What attracts you to them?

 

That is a surprisingly hard question.

 

I don't really have a type for looks. I have went out with a lot of different women.

 

 

How to do you decide whom to approach and when?

 

I have days when I decide to approach girls.

 

When I started out doing this, I would just approach women in a random way. The problem was that I would feel guilty if a beautiful women walked past and I did nothing. I would get tired all the time, either because I was chasing around, or beating myself up for not chasing around. It got to the point where I needed to stop for a while.

 

So I decided that there would be set times for approaching girls, and other times when I am 'off duty' . That way I get less stressed out.

 

I approach pretty much anyone who takes my fancy. I approached a girl a little while ago because she was pretty and was wearing a David Bowie shirt. Most of the time, it isn't an intellectual decision. I don't want to be rude, but my balls tell me to move, and I listen . I just use instinct. I soon find out whether we vibe or not.

 

thanks a lot, cheers !

 

You're welcome.

[SammySammy]

how coool !!! where do you meet women? what do you do, what's your strategy, whom do you approach? when and whom? Do you have a type, a profile ?

 

cheers

 

This is going to sound cliche, but ... anywhere. I've met women in a grocery store, mall, night class, festival ... church. Anywhere.

 

Like most guys, most women don't notice me. Of those that do notice me (give an indication of interest), I'm not interested in most of them. So, there has to be mutual interest for me to approach.

 

I do have a type - a pretty, fit, short professional woman with spunk. That's the easiest way to describe it.

 

Before I talk about how I do it, I probably need to let you know I have extensive sales experience. Opening strangers, creating rapport and closing deals is something I've done many times over many years. "Walking and talking" as we call it is what I do. I'm much better at that in person than I am online.

 

Meeting a someone new is much the same. Open, establish rapport, move to ever increasing levels of intimacy if there is mutual interest. It's done naturally in a non-needy, no pressure environment. My only intent is to have fun - a good conversation. A good initial encounter. I'm not bothered if it goes no further than that. However, sometimes ... it does.

[PrettyEmily77]

^^^ Best way to handle dating.

 

No expectations, no pressure, no rules, no restrictions, no obligation, no mind games, nothing contrived.

[Haydn]

Absolute ton of good advice here OP.

 

Differing views, different approaches, ideas.

 

Time for you to get going on some of it?

 

What say you Squire?

[joseb]

 

When I started out doing this, I would just approach women in a random way. The problem was that I would feel guilty if a beautiful women walked past and I did nothing. I would get tired all the time, either because I was chasing around, or beating myself up for not chasing around.

 

So I decided that there would be set times for approaching girls, and other times when I am 'off duty' . That way I get less stressed out.

 

 

Yeah i think I need to adopt that attitude. I would get stressed on the way to work if there were pretty women on the train and I didnt talk to them!

Starts to be draining after a while.

On the one hand, it's good to push your comfort zone, but it can become a bit obsessive after a while.

[Shanex]

Well, I haven't had a date in a couple of weeks, and I've been in a really relaxed mood. I might even consider a break . But, technically I am in the dating scene right now.

 

I don't use online dating. I've always had a very low opinion of it.

 

I finally tried it out for a few months after breaking up with my ex last year. I was being lazy, just getting over my relationship and drifting. Part of my problem is that I couldn't really be bothered, and I think that showed in my results. Basically, I wasn't getting anywhere near the same success online as I was in real life. Ended up closing my profiles, pulling my socks up, and getting back to real life game.

 

Real life is much more satisfying and productive - for me at least.

 

There's just something lame about sending a girl a message online, one of a hundred she'll get that week. When I could just walk over and start a conversation.

 

This nails it for me.

 

Also... maybe it's just me but I feel a lot better introducing to people, family or friends a woman I met randomly offline than ''oh we met on pof/okc/tinder''

 

More satisfying exactly, and more bold also.

[candie13]

No worries

I don't really have a type for looks. I have went out with a lot of different women.

yeah, I'm a lot into guy's minds. Got me into trouble a couple of times too .

 

 

I have days when I decide to approach girls.

 

When I started out doing this, I would just approach women in a random way. The problem was that I would feel guilty if a beautiful women walked past and I did nothing. I would get tired all the time, either because I was chasing around, or beating myself up for not chasing around. It got to the point where I needed to stop for a while.

 

So I decided that there would be set times for approaching girls, and other times when I am 'off duty' . That way I get less stressed out.

 

just throwing an idea out there - it slightly slightly sounds like you like the excitement, the chase more than the actual dating. Am I right or missing it completely?

 

In my case, when I was on OLD, I liked the idea of having dates, of having options. I wasn't looking for quantity by any means, but the idea of not having dates made me uncomfortable. I wanted immediate dates - and it got me immediate results. I got fed up with it and stopped - but it took me a while. Like you, I was high on emotions.

 

Now, I think I am in the opposite direction. I like the unknown. I love the fact that there's no one around. I have zero stress. I am, perhaps, too comfortable.

 

I approach pretty much anyone who takes my fancy. I approached a girl a little while ago because she was pretty and was wearing a David Bowie shirt. Most of the time, it isn't an intellectual decision. I don't want to be rude, but my balls tell me to move, and I listen . I just use instinct. I soon find out whether we vibe or not.

I am a big believer in instinct and intuition. We are very smell and pheromone driven. More than we think. I believe when choosing a date, the choice is first of all, an instinctual one.

[candie13]

This is going to sound cliche, but ... anywhere. I've met women in a grocery store, mall, night class, festival ... church. Anywhere.

 

Like most guys, most women don't notice me. Of those that do notice me (give an indication of interest), I'm not interested in most of them. So, there has to be mutual interest for me to approach.

how to you gauge that mutual interest? Exchanging glances, friendly smiles?

 

I do have a type - a pretty, fit, short professional woman with spunk. That's the easiest way to describe it.

sounds cool to me.

 

Before I talk about how I do it, I probably need to let you know I have extensive sales experience. Opening strangers, creating rapport and closing deals is something I've done many times over many years. "Walking and talking" as we call it is what I do. I'm much better at that in person than I am online.

I believe you are very good at human contact.

 

Now, I have a question: Europe is wildly different from the US, I tend to think that cold calls are a lot more usual in the US than in Europe. Switzerland - and the city where I'm from - tend to be rather cold, but I do get approached. I will have a question for you. How do you progress from "hi, how are you?" to asking for the phone number?

 

Meeting a someone new is much the same. Open, establish rapport, move to ever increasing levels of intimacy if there is mutual interest. It's done naturally in a non-needy, no pressure environment. My only intent is to have fun - a good conversation. A good initial encounter. I'm not bothered if it goes no further than that. However, sometimes ... it does. .

makes sense to me. Edited May 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[candie13]

Absolute ton of good advice here OP.

 

Differing views, different approaches, ideas.

 

Time for you to get going on some of it?

 

What say you Squire?

I'm not really into cold calls or approaching strangers.

 

I got approached a couple of times last week and that made smile. Mind you, I am open and friendly, as things start to really look up for me, but I am really not in a dating mood or looking out for men who might want to ask me out.

 

I thought that was obvious - as I am making no efforts with my clothes, especially when I am going to my favorite café - jeans, white tshirt, sneakers - and sometimes a hoodie, to really go undercover. I mean, I'm not even wearing make up and I have my glasses on. The only thing I know I have going for myself is my hair - it's long now and curly.

 

I should really pay more attention to how I dress on Sundays, I'm really not making myself any favors.

[candie13]

Yeah i think I need to adopt that attitude. I would get stressed on the way to work if there were pretty women on the train and I didnt talk to them!

Wow ! Just wow ! I remember there was this dude, taking the same train as me on the way to work, getting off at the same stop as me... never said a word. That would have been nice. I did have other guys talk to some of my work colleagues and approaching me gently, after a while. I wish making contact with new people was that easy and natural, in this part of the world.

 

Starts to be draining after a while.

I'd love to push myself out of my comfort zone, but not to the point where I get obsessed with it.

 

I don't mean to sound like I am judging you, guys, because I have a lot of respect for putting yourselves out there and giving it an honest shot, but I am wondering if you see women as individuals or as challenges. Are they still interesting after they say yes to giving you their contact number, do you date them - or do you prefer it when they put up a little bit of a resistance ?

 

On the one hand, it's good to push your comfort zone, but it can become a bit obsessive after a while.

Well, you know how all women want to think they're special? Are these women anywhere special to you or are they just interesting opportunities for you to try their luck and see if they'd go out on a date ?

[candie13]

What say you Squire?

what does this phrase mean, Haydn ?

[candie13]

^^^ Best way to handle dating.

 

No expectations, no pressure, no rules, no restrictions, no obligation, no mind games, nothing contrived.

I get suspicious if a dude makes a move on me when I am not dressed up. That happened a couple of times, lately. I've said no - not necessarily because I wasn't feeling sexy but because I didn't really think the dudes and I were compatible.

 

Perhaps I'm too comfortable.

[Jabron1]

yeah, I'm a lot into guy's minds. Got me into trouble a couple of times too .

 

lol. Nothing wrong with being inquisitive.

 

just throwing an idea out there - it slightly slightly sounds like you like the excitement, the chase more than the actual dating. Am I right or missing it completely?

 

Clever girl

 

Part of the fun of dating for me is excitement, thrill-seeking and challenge. If I didn't get off on that, I think I would feel crushed by the dating scene like a lot of guys do.

 

I should probably explain myself more. So, you know where I'm coming from with my approach to dating.

 

I never used to date as a teenager. I thought dating was a silly American thing that I only saw on the TV . I just used to go out clubbing and to raves, meet women in a social way, and sleep with 'friends' as nothing serious. But when I grew out of that scene in my mid 20s, I had suddenly had to learn how to 'date'.

 

I tried the traditional stuff, like dinner dates and waiting until the end of the night to kiss a girl. But it wasn't me at all. I hated it.

 

I read books on game, and started asking the guys I knew with experience for advice. I started approaching girls everywhere and experimenting.

 

I went through a really crazy period for a couple of years. I was pushing things as far as I could to see what was possible. I was spending my lunch breaks on the town street trying to get numbers. I was dating multiple girls in a week. I was even having sex with girls that I met on the street only hours after meeting them.

 

The worst was when I was juggling 5 women. That was too much excitement, and it turned into stress. I was pushing things too much, and learnt my limits. I had something like a mental breakdown . I generally felt confused, had to keep a notebook, and it was effecting my life really badly. I'm never doing that again.

 

In my case, when I was on OLD, I liked the idea of having dates, of having options. I wasn't looking for quantity by any means, but the idea of not having dates made me uncomfortable. I wanted immediate dates - and it got me immediate results. I got fed up with it and stopped - but it took me a while. Like you, I was high on emotions.

 

That's the weird thing. I don't really care if I have any options or not deep down.

 

You are processing the dating game through your own 'life journey' or whatever - just like I am. Most people aren't honest enough with themselves about this.

 

So much self-improvement can come from dating, for those that are self-aware.

 

Now, I think I am in the opposite direction. I like the unknown. I love the fact that there's no one around. I have zero stress. I am, perhaps, too comfortable.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean.

 

I'm enjoying my own company right now too. I'll probably get bored though

 

I am a big believer in instinct and intuition. We are very smell and pheromone driven. More than we think. I believe when choosing a date, the choice is first of all, an instinctual one.

 

I completely agree.

 

Although, I would add that we have a certain amount of control over these things too.

 

Trust me, If I don't have sex or watch porn in a few weeks, I'm giving off a very different instinctual vibe to the women that I approach.

 

Wow ! Just wow ! I remember there was this dude, taking the same train as me on the way to work, getting off at the same stop as me... never said a word. That would have been nice. I did have other guys talk to some of my work colleagues and approaching me gently, after a while. I wish making contact with new people was that easy and natural, in this part of the world.

 

There was a girl on the train opposite me in January that I didn't approach, and am still annoyed that I didn't!

 

She was a serious knockout blonde beauty. We were standing up opposite each other on the train, and there was so much sexual tension... she started playing excessively with her hair, and she gave me the sexiest look. But, I did nothing. My stop was coming up, and I had to get off - these are just excuses . I bottled out. That still annoys me a bit.

 

Happens to all of us. I don't care how much game a guy has.

 

I'd love to push myself out of my comfort zone, but not to the point where I get obsessed with it.

 

The very best guys become a bit obsessed with it. It's unavoidable. Just like any skill: playing the guitar, sports, etc.

 

I don't mean to sound like I am judging you, guys, because I have a lot of respect for putting yourselves out there and giving it an honest shot, but I am wondering if you see women as individuals or as challenges.

 

I'm going to be really honest with you here. That's kind of my style, even if people hate me for it .

 

I do not see the women that I approach as individuals - at all. There's no possible way that I can. I approach so many. It's the same with guys who online date, and send out 100 messages each week.

 

I start seeing her as an individual when I get to know her.

 

 

Are they still interesting after they say yes to giving you their contact number, do you date them - or do you prefer it when they put up a little bit of a resistance ?

 

You know how guys have 'game'? Yeah, women have 'game' too. A woman's game is to be resistant in a fun way.

 

If I feel a girl is low interest, I'm moving on. If she just offers me sex there and then, and said 'let's f*ck' that's also a bit of a turn off (believe it or not ).

 

Of course I'm still interested in a girl when she gives me her number. And, if she doesn't reply to the follow up text, I consider her 'low interest' and put her on the backburner. Like I said, It's a balance that women have to play, between not being too easy, and not seeming 'low interest'.

 

Well, you know how all women want to think they're special? Are these women anywhere special to you or are they just interesting opportunities for you to try their luck and see if they'd go out on a date ?

 

Depends what you mean by 'special'.

 

I never heard back from one of the women I f*cked within hours of meeting on the street. It was still pretty bloody special to me. I'll never forget it

 

what does this phrase mean, Haydn ?

 

It's UK English.

 

'Squire' means 'man'. So, he's saying 'what do you say, man?'.