General online and other dating discussion

[OatsAndHall]

I have had quite a few dates from OLD sites and am actually in a serious relationship with a woman that I met via OkCupid. However, I wouldn't be using them much anymore if I were single.

 

I don't have any ego involved in it anymore; I used to become very frustrated when I didn't get replies. I just got tired of the amount time and effort that it took, even when I did start chatting with someone.

 

And, I don't care for the OLD culture that has sprung up. It is all very hypocritical. People state that they are looking for a "strong committed relationship" but in all reality, the sites are meat markets. I have had good, relaxed conversations with women that I have a lot in common with via OLD sites just to have them state that it wouldn't work because my "hair was too long", "I had too much muscle" (I'm a 5'10'', 190lb gym rat..), "they didn't like guys with facial hair", or "I didn't have enough muscle" (whatever the f- that means). One woman stopped talking to me because I don't have any tattoos. I didn't take any of this personally but it just turned into a gigantic waste of my time and energy.

 

And, I have found that too many people buy into the "dimensions of compatibility" crap. I have chatted with women that have gone down a check list while we're chatting:

 

"You like classic rock music too!" Check.

"You're dog person too!!" Check.

"You like to hiking, GREAT!" Check.

"You like horror movies?!, Ewww, this won't work."

[d0nnivain]

OLD works for some. That's why there are so many sites out there. Somebody is making money.

 

 

Personally I didn't care for it. I felt very rejected, more so than I had ever experienced IRL. Then again I can't even shop on line so I should never have thought I could date OL.

 

 

If you can attract women IRL as you said, get over your shyness. Stop hiding behind a device & talk to the women who are smiling at you.

 

 

Doing the same things -- OLD for 15 years with no results -- isn't working for you. Do something else.

[Joga_31]

yeah online dating is tough.

 

I think you post a great photo you will get the most likes and messages.

 

But it is a girl's world out there in the online realms. I suggest keeping the online dating site on while still going out to bars/clubs,

 

recreational programs until you finally meet someone to call a girlfriend.

[Larryville]

Online dating isn't working if you are male. No one ever responds. I found out the reason. It was because females get bombarded with too many messages for them to handle. In all the 15 years I tried online dating, for some sites, i received only 10 messages in a year, other sites, no messages at all. Is there a site that limits all the excess men bombarding the outnumbered ladies with messages, or at least limits the amount of messages sent to each female per day ?

 

Ok, first I’m gonna confess that what I’m going to write is in direct correlation to a recent incident LOL!

 

OLD is like playing the lottery. Yes on occasion some people will win. Now win what another ticket, maybe $20, $100 maybe a jackpot.

What is OLD success? Simply meeting someone? A 6 month gig, a yearlong gig, or a solid long term relationship where you have many good times with little drama? Marriage?

 

There was a thread recently where it was pointed out that with OLD you have the chance to meet someone you may not have had the time or circumstance to meet otherwise.

 

I met wife #2 via OLD, this was very much the case.

All things considered that was a jackpot for me and when she and I got divorced while I did not believe it would be “easy” to find someone compatible I never imagined how seriously difficult it would be. I have tried to find someone with everything she has and I have not come close. 70, 80 maybe a little more meets later is it working?

 

While I get many more messages and replies than OP has experienced most I found were people I had virtually no interest in.

 

I don't have any ego involved in it anymore; I used to become very frustrated when I didn't get replies. I just got tired of the amount time and effort that it took, even when I did start chatting with someone.

 

Time: as OAH points out, that is important. How much time do we invest searching, sending initial emails, chatting if you get a reply, initial phone conversations, meet and greets, then you must factor travel time, money invested (gas, date costs, new clothes, any costs related to meeting and entertaining)

 

No, when you factor every detail, no it clearly does not work.

 

Also factor the overall time you took, browsing. I'm sure some women browse but women generally can just sit back and wait... Yes I know some are more pro active... but would you rather have too many "choices" or always be browsing?

 

And, I have found that too many people buy into the "dimensions of compatibility" crap. I have chatted with women that have gone down a check list while we're chatting:

 

"You like classic rock music too!" Check.

"You're dog person too!!" Check.

"You like to hiking, GREAT!" Check.

"You like horror movies?!, Ewww, this won't work."

 

Yep OAH

 

Because people have become so seriously superficial and lack the capacity to actually look someone in the eyes and express themselves and do a genuine one on one only infatuated, lust infused hookups are the only reward. If that is your only goal, OLD works for you. But for actually finding someone worth a damn, something meaningful? No

 

OP is right, it clearly does not work.

[avoforastig]

Online dating isn't working if you are male. No one ever responds. I found out the reason. It was because females get bombarded with too many messages for them to handle. In all the 15 years I tried online dating, for some sites, i received only 10 messages in a year, other sites, no messages at all. Is there a site that limits all the excess men bombarding the outnumbered ladies with messages, or at least limits the amount of messages sent to each female per day ?

Also, in real life, I have no problem attracting girls, they often giggle at me, just that I'm too shy to get anywhere near them. That's why I prefer online dating. But it turns out to be a very different story there.

 

If you are frustrated, try using Bumble or Tinder. Not much time involvement and you get a green light to contact the women. Very efficient, especially Bumble. Bumble forces women to initiate the conversation, greatest dating app ever for men! Its also good for women as they don't get bombarded with messages. Also, don't put any ****ing selfies on your profile everybody looks terrible on those.

 

Women are just people, so treat them like any other person and you'll do great. Its hard not to overthink ****. Get a copy of Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari my friend. It should be required for anyone dating in 2017. If you're really shy, maybe consider seeing a therapist and break through that stuff. Life is too short not to achieve what you want.

 

However, keep in mind that like real life, super hotties get hit on way more than average women, so it really mirrors life in that sense. Getting a 10 on OLD is unlikely as there are very few 10s. Getting a 7 with a great personality is somewhat reasonable. Maybe consider revamping your standards a bit if they are too high.

[sprotz]

Good, I will try Tinder, and other similar 'smartphone' apps you recommended.

[central]

In my experience, OLD has been extremely successful. It largely depends on how you look and present yourself and what you have to offer someone. You don't have to have a gym rat body or 6-figure income, either. Good men can almost always find good women, and the good women will even initiate contact if they find a well-written profile that honestly depicts a good man.

 

 

I think too many men have expectations beyond what they themselves can offer (and there are women with the same delusion, thinking that all they need to bring to the table is beauty - well, they're wrong).

[kendahke]

Online dating isn't working if you are male. No one ever responds. I found out the reason. It was because females get bombarded with too many messages for them to handle.

 

Women get bombarded with messages from scammers to the point where they just stop replying to everyone.

 

I decided to try POF once again and I swear, the moment my profile and picture were up, the scamming horde was unleashed. I had 30 messages with in 10 minutes--ALL FROM SCAMMERS. I know how to run a check on profiles and pictures and sure enough, they all used profiles that were posted on multiple sites all with different pictures.

 

It just gets disgusting after a while and unfortunately, the ones who are genuine get caught up in the dragnet.

[smackie9]

Get over your shyness by practicing on girl who don't intimidate you. That is your only solution...confidence wins the girl, but not just girls, you will be able to win over very attractive girls.

[OatsAndHall]

Here's a great OLD story for you that pretty much sums up the OLD experience:

 

I live in a small community in an isolated, rural area of the country. Meeting women that are within an hour's drive is just about impossible. I am a teacher and am new to the community and have had people trying to set me up on dates continually. I was single for a few months when my current GF and I called it quits for a bit and I declined these dates for various reasons. Very few people know that I'm involved as it's a long-distance relationship at this point and I'm not open about my personal life.

 

However, there is a woman that lives in the area that is on Match and I sent her a message when I was single as we appear to have hobbies in common: working out, fishing, hiking, etc.. She read the message and deleted it which I am used to. I sent her a second message asking her if she'd "consider me pleasantly persistent if I sent a second message?" This has worked well for me in the past but again, "read-deleted".

 

Several weeks ago, the mother of one of my students brings this woman to a basketball game (I'm a coach) and introduces us after the game. She didn't recognize me as I have cut my hair and grown out a beard and haven't been on Match to put up a new pic.

 

I chatted with this woman from Match and the parents of one of my students for about twenty minutes after the game. She bombarded me with compliments ("I've heard such great things about you as a teacher", "____ has said that you're great with the kids and everyone is happy to have you here", etc, etc..) and was flirty. She asked me if I was going to local charity event the next weekend and I told her that I would be out of town, visiting my family and my girlfriend. That pretty much ended the conversation and we all parted ways.

 

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself about the situation. This woman wanted nothing to do with me via OLD for whatever reason but was genuinely interested in me once we met face to face. She had her reasons for not responding to my messages and that's fine. But, it just goes to show you how much of a difference there is between the real world and OLD. To be honest, I would have asked her out on a date if I had been single as I'm not going to judge her for her behavior over OLD. But, there is a childish part of me that wanted to look at her and ask her why she suddenly had an interest in me after ignoring my messages over Match.

[thecrucible]

And, I don't care for the OLD culture that has sprung up. It is all very hypocritical. People state that they are looking for a "strong committed relationship" but in all reality, the sites are meat markets.

 

That's totally how I find it. Personally I prefer to meet and see because as far as I'm concerned chemistry doesn't not correlate with looks. Also not dissing on other women but I'm more of the nerdy analytical slightly serious kind of woman rather than the carefree bubbly type which I think a lot of men prefer, so I get overlooked. I'm realistic about my looks and I know when I'm shooting out of my league looks-wise but people are pretty picky on online dating sites. I'd like to get a know a guy with long-term potential so really my deal breakers don't concern what he might look like.

 

And, I have found that too many people buy into the "dimensions of compatibility" crap. I have chatted with women that have gone down a check list while we're chatting:

 

"You like classic rock music too!" Check.

"You're dog person too!!" Check.

"You like to hiking, GREAT!" Check.

"You like horror movies?!, Ewww, this won't work."

 

They do! In different ways as well. I've had guys I didn't feel compatible with emotionally or in a relationship sense where I'm looking for compatible values and lifestyles. People will say "Why don't you go out with x?" but they don't see from my point of view that simply having the same hobby doesn't make compatibility. At the same time, I've been rejected for not having the exact hobby as a guy - one rejected me for not being into cycling (which he is) while I'm into jogging. I think some guys look for their mirror image and want some kind of high octane woman haha (based on their profiles anyway). I mean I didn't get too upset at him at the type (some hobbies become passions) but I was a bit quizzical.

[OatsAndHall]

That's totally how I find it. Personally I prefer to meet and see because as far as I'm concerned chemistry doesn't not correlate with looks. Also not dissing on other women but I'm more of the nerdy analytical slightly serious kind of woman rather than the carefree bubbly type which I think a lot of men prefer, so I get overlooked. I'm realistic about my looks and I know when I'm shooting out of my league looks-wise but people are pretty picky on online dating sites. I'd like to get a know a guy with long-term potential so really my deal breakers don't concern what he might look like.

 

 

 

They do! In different ways as well. I've had guys I didn't feel compatible with emotionally or in a relationship sense where I'm looking for compatible values and lifestyles. People will say "Why don't you go out with x?" but they don't see from my point of view that simply having the same hobby doesn't make compatibility. At the same time, I've been rejected for not having the exact hobby as a guy - one rejected me for not being into cycling (which he is) while I'm into jogging. I think some guys look for their mirror image and want some kind of high octane woman haha (based on their profiles anyway). I mean I didn't get too upset at him at the type (some hobbies become passions) but I was a bit quizzical.

 

I do look for women that have similar hobbies as I'm an active guy. If the weather is nice you will find me outside, doing something. And, I enjoy my gym time so I'd like to meet a woman who does too.

 

But here's another great story. I met a woman who was very physically active: we'd fished all of the same bodies of water around the state, we'd hiked the same areas and we both spend time working out. But, her big goal in life is to build her own ranch and try to make a living off of it. I'm not a rancher or a farmer but some of my family are and I know that this is a damn-near impossible task. There are plenty of small farmers and ranchers but they work a full time job and supplement their income by ranching or farming. She wants to establish a gigantic farm and do that full time: good friggin' luck unless you've got several million dollars to invest. We chatted for awhile, went out on one date (which went well) but she called it off because I had no interest in ranching. Or at least spending my time and money trying to build a huge ranch...

 

Now, on one hand, I understand this completely as our goals in life aren't compatible. However, on the same token, the goal she has set for herself (particularly at her age) isn't feasible. And, she is really pigeon-holing herself in the dating world by having that expectation of a man.

[SevenCity]

I do look for women that have similar hobbies as I'm an active guy. If the weather is nice you will find me outside, doing something. And, I enjoy my gym time so I'd like to meet a woman who does too.

 

But here's another great story. I met a woman who was very physically active: we'd fished all of the same bodies of water around the state, we'd hiked the same areas and we both spend time working out. But, her big goal in life is to build her own ranch and try to make a living off of it. I'm not a rancher or a farmer but some of my family are and I know that this is a damn-near impossible task. There are plenty of small farmers and ranchers but they work a full time job and supplement their income by ranching or farming. She wants to establish a gigantic farm and do that full time: good friggin' luck unless you've got several million dollars to invest. We chatted for awhile, went out on one date (which went well) but she called it off because I had no interest in ranching. Or at least spending my time and money trying to build a huge ranch...

 

Now, on one hand, I understand this completely as our goals in life aren't compatible. However, on the same token, the goal she has set for herself (particularly at her age) isn't feasible. And, she is really pigeon-holing herself in the dating world by having that expectation of a man.

 

Yea, good luck to her. Seems to me that anyone that interested in ranching would have their own and no time to start hers. Everyone else would likely have no interest.

[Chilli]

l think the one biggie l'd like to ask anyone here, is why do people just vanish or un'contact you ?

 

l'm back with my gf again right now soit's more curiosity and dumbfounded than anything but before we got back l went back on the date site l used before.

 

l met someone that l was really interested in , she answered me straight away, two nights later she rang me.

We talked really well a few hours and had a lot of very unusual things and views in common.

Later we agreed we'd love to talk more and we're both really pleased. l said l'll call you wed' night, 2 nights away and she said yeah yeah that'd be great l'll text you earlier and let you know when l'm finishing work- she works odd hours.

All was good , better than good.

Strangest thing, she did text me but she was working late, l sent her a few more through the wk about good times to call, she replied every time and apologized , she'd had her kids over and work was crazy.

 

A few nights later l check my site though and discover she'd un' contacted me.

Just like that .

 

l mean what is that , why would she have done that ?

 

When she sounded just as pleased l was about us meeting and talking more.

She was an hour and a half away and even asked when l might be able to get down. So bizarre.

Edited February 18, 2017 by Chilli

[Mr Scorpio]

l think the one biggie l'd like to ask anyone here, is why do people just vanish or un'contact you ?

 

I just went thru this recently. My guess is they aren't interested and aren't comfortable expressing that interest. Avoidance is easier.

[thecrucible]

l think the one biggie l'd like to ask anyone here, is why do people just vanish or un'contact you ?

 

I've done this a few times. Sometimes it's because I've agreed to meet, got cold feet for whatever reason (usually nothing to do with them but my own anxieties about meeting someone from the site). At the time this happened, I wanted to get back and explain myself but then life got busy and it felt silly sending a message like a month later when I assumed he'd probably forgotten about it anyway.

 

I've been off dating sites for the past 2 weeks. It's partly because I've been chatting/seeing a few guys in real life just meeting for drinks. Although it's on a getting-to-know-you kind of basis, I don't wanna be talking to multiple men at the same time even if those guys may not work out (as I'm on the fence) I'd rather focus on a few at a time. I've also been stressed at work and my grandmother recently passed away.

 

I logged back on the site today and I had a message from one contact saying "oh I guess you're not interested...I respect honesty" etc. It sounded a bit passive aggressive. I've just emailed to explain my grandmother being hospitalised and then passing away and why I'd been off the site. But even if he comes back sounding understanding, I think he's just eliminated himself for assuming the worst about me. I want to date a guy with a kind heart.

[markrn]

A 62 y/o female posted this on her Match profile

In her own words

"Love the city and serenity of the farm. Love the warmth of a mans company,outdoor activities, his flavor, openness to meeting others, volunteering, Giving the next 30 everything it deserves!"

 

Does anyone find anything different in this ? My ex broke up with me and 2 weeks later a profile appeared without a picture and she denies it is her. My issue has anyone ever seen a profile description that references "his flavor" and what that means? I know what a women's flavor is it's based on a sexual act. Any insight appreciated

[MikeJaz]

So I just started OLD about two weeks ago. Messaged about 5 girls that I took an interest in. Two of them responded and with the one who I really didn't think would respond did (she was looking for someone between 18~21 I'm 24). Anyways we messaged each other a bit and I asked her out for lunch. She agreed and I gave her my number. She texted me saying that she turned off her notifications and I should text her from now on. I was talking to this other girl but she didn't really seem that interested but kept replying. I stopped talking to her cause it seemed like it was going well with the other girl.

 

Anyways the first date went well and later that day we set up another date a week out. Sent a few flirty text which she loved and some small talk in between. The night before she was totally down to go to the river with me for our date and how the weather was looking so nice. However later that night she texted me saying that her sister freaked out when she told her my age and that she should only go within walking distance of her campus. I asked her if our age gap was going to be a problem and she said it might be. Anyways she said that there was really only places to eat around her campus. So I offered to go out for lunch and and her to give me a tour around her campus at noon. She said that would be great but needed to be at 11 instead because she has to go to her mom's birthday. Say that it was fine and she apologized. So we meet up at the place and ate. Never ran out of things to talk about. Asked her again if she thought if our age gap was going to be an issue and she said her parents would probably not approve. We finished eating and then she gave me a tour of her campus. We stopped and got cookies. Asked her if she was sure she didn't want to go ahead to the river anyways and she said that it wouldn't be a good idea. Anyways we find our way back to my car and I gave her a hug. Said I'd text her later so we can set up something for next week. She kinda looked at me with that look and said "idk im no sure....". Said "ok we'll see" and we said bye.

 

Later that night I logged in and clicked her profile one last time. The next morning I logged in again and her account had been deactivated. Sent her a text saying "I noticed you deactivated your account" and never got a response.

 

So I assume she was either dating someone else (and her age) and she picked him, parents told her to delete her account and not talk to me again or just wasn't interested. Honestly didn't really expect it to go very far but I still really wanted to take her down to the river cause she apparently had never been there. She was very nice and fun to talk to. All in all I'd rather it ended this way instead of flaking.

 

So then I sent a message to the other girl I was talking to before. She had logged in but didn't reply to my message.

 

All the other girls who have messaged me haven't really been my type.

 

 

OLD is rough.

[Jammer25]

OLD is rough.

 

I learned this very fast, not to have any expectations of a response. Especially in my late-20s, it's seemingly harder to get a woman interested and meet in person from OLD.

 

It makes me wonder how many women just have OLD profiles for the self-esteem boost from getting messages from a lot of guys.

[MoreThanThat]

I recently moved to a different city that is large. I had an old OKC profile that had been deactivated and reactivated 3 days ago. I have around 1500 questions answered. I updated the profile text & photos and changed the location to my new location. I'm a 49-year old female. I don't have a problem meeting men in the real world but since I look younger, I tend to get men 28-35 approaching me who think I'm in my early 30's.

 

In 72 hours, I've had 285 likes and 92 messages. My profile says I'm not interested in poly/open relationships or FWB situations at the top so that weeds out some people right away from messaging (I think!). Here's how the 92 messages broke down:

 

2 - who went through every detail in my profile and wrote novels on first message

3 - < 25 years old 'fascinated' with older women

3 - asking me to go to an event of some kind

4 - who had reverse image searched me, found out who I am and had to share that with me

5 - who wrote an engaging short icebreaker

5 - who wrote 100-200 words regarding things I wrote about and relating personal experiences

7 - on first message inviting me for drink/coffee

22 - men saying hello or how are you and nothing else

41 - commenting on my physical appearance

 

I share this because I don't think a lot of men realize the sheer volume women can deal with. I can't imagine what it must be like in this city for women who are in their 20's! There is no way I have the time to engage with 92 people. I just couldn't handle it.

 

I know some men believe that it would be nicer to get a "not interested" message back at least but honestly, in many of these cases, I can't even say that. A single photo and an empty profile may actually belong to a great guy. But if all he does is say "Hello gorgeous!" I have nothing to go on. Sometimes someone who does that does come back with more.

 

In case any of you are curious, I did respond to the 2 who sent the massive messages saying they seem like nice guys but we'd not be a good fit. I also responded to the 2 x 5 who had sent me shorter personalized messages.

 

I have one date set up for the weekend with someone I had maybe 20 short messages exchanged with before a call. We just clicked and it felt easy. He did have a complete profile, several photos, 1000 questions answered. I was also able to easily verify he was who he said he was.

[OatsAndHall]

I recently moved to a different city that is large. I had an old OKC profile that had been deactivated and reactivated 3 days ago. I have around 1500 questions answered. I updated the profile text & photos and changed the location to my new location. I'm a 49-year old female. I don't have a problem meeting men in the real world but since I look younger, I tend to get men 28-35 approaching me who think I'm in my early 30's.

 

In 72 hours, I've had 285 likes and 92 messages. My profile says I'm not interested in poly/open relationships or FWB situations at the top so that weeds out some people right away from messaging (I think!). Here's how the 92 messages broke down:

 

2 - who went through every detail in my profile and wrote novels on first message

3 - < 25 years old 'fascinated' with older women

3 - asking me to go to an event of some kind

4 - who had reverse image searched me, found out who I am and had to share that with me

5 - who wrote an engaging short icebreaker

5 - who wrote 100-200 words regarding things I wrote about and relating personal experiences

7 - on first message inviting me for drink/coffee

22 - men saying hello or how are you and nothing else

41 - commenting on my physical appearance

 

I share this because I don't think a lot of men realize the sheer volume women can deal with. I can't imagine what it must be like in this city for women who are in their 20's! There is no way I have the time to engage with 92 people. I just couldn't handle it.

 

I know some men believe that it would be nicer to get a "not interested" message back at least but honestly, in many of these cases, I can't even say that. A single photo and an empty profile may actually belong to a great guy. But if all he does is say "Hello gorgeous!" I have nothing to go on. Sometimes someone who does that does come back with more.

 

In case any of you are curious, I did respond to the 2 who sent the massive messages saying they seem like nice guys but we'd not be a good fit. I also responded to the 2 x 5 who had sent me shorter personalized messages.

 

I have one date set up for the weekend with someone I had maybe 20 short messages exchanged with before a call. We just clicked and it felt easy. He did have a complete profile, several photos, 1000 questions answered. I was also able to easily verify he was who he said he was.

 

I think there are steps OLD sites could take steps to limit the amount of messages women get.

 

The easiest solution would involve them upping their game on the "match" or "compatibility" aspect of the sites. Allow people to set up a message firewall where they can only send and receive messages from people that fall above a certain percentage of "compatibility" or "match". And, establish a minimum number of areas of compatibility that a person had to include so that people couldn't just set up a minimalist profile that ended up being a high percentage match all of the time.

 

This would do a few things:

 

1. Force people to strongly consider WHY they're using the site. Guys can no longer pop on there and send messages to every other woman on the site. And, both men and women will get a better idea of what they're actually looking for.

 

2. People would have to pay more attention to what they put up in their profiles as people have to operate off of them now, versus just scrolling through profile pics. Yes, I have been guilty of doing this.. I have completely ignored my match list at times, didn't read profiles and sent messages to women I found supremely physically attractive.

 

3. It'd be a wake up call across the board. A person that is only interested in a certain body type, hair color, height (etc..) can only message people that fall within those criteria as well as the non-physical ones as well. The same goes for yearly income, education, etc... People would have to be more self-reflective when going through the motions. I won't begrudge a woman that is picky in many areas but they number of messages they will be able to send and receive will drop significantly. They'll actually meet someone they're more compatible with according to their standards. Or, they will have to take a long look at themselves and figure out that they're pigeon holing themselves because they are now only getting a few messages from guys.

[SwordofFlame]

I recently moved to a different city that is large. I had an old OKC profile that had been deactivated and reactivated 3 days ago. I have around 1500 questions answered. I updated the profile text & photos and changed the location to my new location. I'm a 49-year old female. I don't have a problem meeting men in the real world but since I look younger, I tend to get men 28-35 approaching me who think I'm in my early 30's.

 

In 72 hours, I've had 285 likes and 92 messages. My profile says I'm not interested in poly/open relationships or FWB situations at the top so that weeds out some people right away from messaging (I think!). Here's how the 92 messages broke down:

 

2 - who went through every detail in my profile and wrote novels on first message

3 - < 25 years old 'fascinated' with older women

3 - asking me to go to an event of some kind

4 - who had reverse image searched me, found out who I am and had to share that with me

5 - who wrote an engaging short icebreaker

5 - who wrote 100-200 words regarding things I wrote about and relating personal experiences

7 - on first message inviting me for drink/coffee

22 - men saying hello or how are you and nothing else

41 - commenting on my physical appearance

 

I share this because I don't think a lot of men realize the sheer volume women can deal with. I can't imagine what it must be like in this city for women who are in their 20's! There is no way I have the time to engage with 92 people. I just couldn't handle it.

 

I know some men believe that it would be nicer to get a "not interested" message back at least but honestly, in many of these cases, I can't even say that. A single photo and an empty profile may actually belong to a great guy. But if all he does is say "Hello gorgeous!" I have nothing to go on. Sometimes someone who does that does come back with more.

 

In case any of you are curious, I did respond to the 2 who sent the massive messages saying they seem like nice guys but we'd not be a good fit. I also responded to the 2 x 5 who had sent me shorter personalized messages.

 

I have one date set up for the weekend with someone I had maybe 20 short messages exchanged with before a call. We just clicked and it felt easy. He did have a complete profile, several photos, 1000 questions answered. I was also able to easily verify he was who he said he was.

 

You can control this...by using apps like Tinder/Bumble/Coffee Meets Bagel or Happn.

[MoreThanThat]

I think there are steps OLD sites could take steps to limit the amount of messages women get.

 

The easiest solution would involve them upping their game on the "match" or "compatibility" aspect of the sites. Allow people to set up a message firewall where they can only send and receive messages from people that fall above a certain percentage of "compatibility" or "match". And, establish a minimum number of areas of compatibility that a person had to include so that people couldn't just set up a minimalist profile that ended up being a high percentage match all of the time.

 

This would do a few things:

 

1. Force people to strongly consider WHY they're using the site. Guys can no longer pop on there and send messages to every other woman on the site. And, both men and women will get a better idea of what they're actually looking for.

 

2. People would have to pay more attention to what they put up in their profiles as people have to operate off of them now, versus just scrolling through profile pics. Yes, I have been guilty of doing this.. I have completely ignored my match list at times, didn't read profiles and sent messages to women I found supremely physically attractive.

 

3. It'd be a wake up call across the board. A person that is only interested in a certain body type, hair color, height (etc..) can only message people that fall within those criteria as well as the non-physical ones as well. The same goes for yearly income, education, etc... People would have to be more self-reflective when going through the motions. I won't begrudge a woman that is picky in many areas but they number of messages they will be able to send and receive will drop significantly. They'll actually meet someone they're more compatible with according to their standards. Or, they will have to take a long look at themselves and figure out that they're pigeon holing themselves because they are now only getting a few messages from guys.

 

Here's some interesting trivia: Two men I've had relationships with (6 years and 10 months) that were great are on OKC. I found them because we have 99% compatibility. Both of them answered around 1000 questions if I recall.

 

I do wish there were some specific deal breaker filtering capability. I'm not interested in physical restrictions but values/lifestyle. I see so many people mention travel in their profiles, but when you communicate for them it means 1-2 weeks a year. I travel 3-6 months. I'm not about to change that for the sake of a relationship. So someone with kids, a lower income, and a 9-5 job is not going to be a good fit. FYI - after lying about height and marital status, the 3rd most common lie I get is guys saying they don't have kids.

[OatsAndHall]

Here's some interesting trivia: Two men I've had relationships with (6 years and 10 months) that were great are on OKC. I found them because we have 99% compatibility. Both of them answered around 1000 questions if I recall.

 

I do wish there were some specific deal breaker filtering capability. I'm not interested in physical restrictions but values/lifestyle. I see so many people mention travel in their profiles, but when you communicate for them it means 1-2 weeks a year. I travel 3-6 months. I'm not about to change that for the sake of a relationship. So someone with kids, a lower income, and a 9-5 job is not going to be a good fit. FYI - after lying about height and marital status, the 3rd most common lie I get is guys saying they don't have kids.

 

This would obviously benefit women significantly but it would be good for guys as well. I'm currently single but staying away from OLD and focusing on meeting women in RL around here. I have managed to get dates over the past two years via OLD but it is just as tedious process for men as it is for women. A women may open up a mailbox with 100+ messages but a guy has to send out dozens of messages in order to get a response. So, while women are weeding through messages, we're writing them.. The suggestion I made above would really handle that problem.

 

Plus, I can't emphasize how much this would force people to think about what they want in a significant other and have that reflected on their profile. Here is a couple of examples of how limiting the messages to firm matches would have saved me some time and frustration:

 

1. On three occasions, I chatted with women for several days and then communication abruptly ended. I had a lot in common with them and the OKC matches were in to 80%+ range. One of them stopped conversation because she didn't like my facial hair.. ALL of my profile pictures show me with a full goatee.. The second said she wasn't into guys under six feet tall. The third was the most disappointing because we actually set up a date but she cancelled it because she said she just wasn't "into guys with longer hair" (my hair is cut at mid-ear level..). I wasn't rude to any of them and wished them well but they seriously wasted my time. The filter I described above would have solved that issue for me.

 

2. I had several dates where we were "matches" but their profiles weren't all that detailed and I know they hadn't put much time into them. So, I went on the couple commonalities that we had: similar music and cinema tastes, a enjoyment of the outdoors and exercise. Now, as you described above, their profiles weren't an indication of how compatible we actually were. One didn't just enjoy day-hikes like me: she went on five day long pack-backing trips.. I'd love to do that but I couldn't afford it at the time and can barely afford it now. She wanted to plan a day-hike four hours away for our third date.. Once again, I didn't have the resources. One as extremely religious but didn't include that in her profile. I'm agnostic and that just wasn't a good fit, period.

 

3. I feel that the most frustrating experience I had on OLD would have been headed off with this filter. I went out on two dates with a woman a few years older than me. The dates were alright as we could both hold a conversation. But, it became apparent to me that this woman was a bit on the materialistic side. She knew full well that I am a teacher but didn't know that meanT I basically make $40k per year.. This was randomly disclosed to her in the middle of the second date and she was put-off in a hurry. She declined a third date because she said she was "looking for someone that had more of a professional career." This infuriated me as I have been teaching for many years and have a professional career so she was referring to my salary. TI was hypocritical because she wasn't making much more money than I was as she owned a small yoga studio. But, again, I told her that I hoped she found what she was looking for.

 

These posts are turning into novels (many of mine do..) and I apologize. But, the long and the short of it is this: a "match" filter tied into messaging would cut down on the amount of b.s. communication and force people to think about the whole picture and process of OLD.

Edited April 7, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[The_Thall_Man]

Who I am + what I'm looking for + where I'm at = A complete fail on online dating.

 

Not sure what each of those individual realities (or combination thereof) makes the thing a disaster, but I have been doing it on and off for about five years now and had zero success, so something isn't compatible with the concept of it all.

Edited April 26, 2017 by The_Thall_Man