How do you know what to believe?

[notthechosen1]

Hi, new here. Have been lurking for awhile and it has been helpful. Maybe to helpful as I feel like the more I learn the more I feel stupid.

 

I'm involved with a MM who I work with. It's been going on for almost a year now. We are both married. He has kids, I don't. We have both been in our marriages for a long time.

 

I'm just curious... How do you know what to believe from the MM?

 

I had thought MM and I were pretty open and honest with each other despite what we are doing. In fact he made such a big deal about how honest he was with me!

 

However my recent creeping around is starting to show me he has lied to me, and more than once.

 

I can't believe i'm saying this- but i'm devasted. totally devastated and heartbroken knowing hes lying or bull****ting me.

One- he told me such awful things about his wife. not really awful, just led me to believe they were getting divorced, marriage was over, she was worthless with the kids, housekeeping, was cold towards him, didn't give him affection, love, was sleeping in the other room for months now... etc etc.

and then once made a comment about her looks on how she has "let herself go" since the last baby and is somewhat depressed bc she never takes care of herself anymore. He seemed disgusted by this and then looked at me and made some comment about how i have it all together, dress nice every day, and he is so attracted to that. He just kept looking me up and down saying he loves how i have it all together. This actually made me feel bad for his wife bc she is taking care of kids all day and i don't even have any.

So I believed all that... it seems to be quite common from what I've read on here. However; I came across her FB recently and I now I wish I hadn't... it told another story! um one... she is stunning, i don't see how she "let herself go". Which makes me want to barf. I instantly feel like i'm now competing with her and have been looking myself over and over now. She has pics of them all over her page. Talking about how loving he is, how great he is to her and the kids.. how HAPPY he makes her. How they have plans for the future. WHAT?! future?? Then I see the comments from her family members talking about how great of a husband he is to her and how he loves her SO MUCH. WHAT??! I thought they were divorcing.... and I thought I was the one who lit his fire so to speak. But nope, there they are together... him holding his wife so tightly arms around her and they are both smiling and look SO HAPPY! this was a week ago.... a week ago when he said they were still sleeping in separate rooms. But these pics... of him and her. OMG he is grabbing on her, loving on her and vice versa. She doesn't seem so cold in those pics.

 

I'm so confused. Sorry for the long rambling post. What do I do??

 

Should I confront him?

 

If he lies about his wife, what else could he be lying about?? Is he lying when he says i'm the best Everything to him? Am I the one who really makes him feel so good like he says? iS it me who he thinks of when he wakes up and goes to bed... like he says?

 

He told me she was sleeping in the kids room for months now as they are about to go through divorce. Also claiming they have not been intimate in months now! Now i'm wondering if they are even sleeping in separate rooms? What if they are being intimate??? I know i can't get upset but i am.

Again sorry for long post.

[anyonecandoit]

Never believe whatever he said or was trying to show you in action. In my case, this man was trying to show me in the office that he and his fiance are so done. He is just so fed up with her. She has nothing that is worth him loving her anymore. But then what happened? In front of their friends and family, their relationship cannot be better than ever.

 

I think some people are just good at acting.

[elaine567]

What you do, is you walk away quickly and do NOT look back. Go hug you husband and be glad you stopped it before he found out.

This is the classic MM story, your story is par for the course.

"My wife doesn't understand me"

 

Read this.

and this

[Lobouspo]

OP, he's married and being untruthful and deceitful to his wife. IOW, don't believe anything this guy says. Why would you be different? He lies to women to for his own maximum benefit for fun and pleasure. Geez, I don't understand why people on this forum are so shocked and surprised when they get lied and burned by MM. Hello people, they are cheating on their spouse. THEY HAVE A PATTERN OF BEING SELFISH, LYING, AND HURTING OTHERS!!

[Doublegold]

As much as it hurts it is good you saw those pictures. Best to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground in an affair.

 

That being said--I saw a profile pic change yesterday of a married couple on vacation wrapped up in one anothers arms-- complete with similar gushing comments. In real world-- he is an abuser, she has been in a longterm affair, and when he first found out about the affair he beat her, threw her out and tried to take her kids away. She was suicidal.

 

Fakebook, the world where everyone is "a beautiful family'.

[cocorico]

 

I'm just curious... How do you know what to believe from the MM?

 

 

Simple - do not believe anything from anyone that you cannot verify independently.

 

His interests lie in deceiving you sufficiently to get your sympathy - to get into your pants.

 

Her interests lie in convincing the world they're the greatest couple in the universe.

 

Chances are the truth lies somewhere in between - but exactly where needs more evidence than his mere claims or her Fakebook posts.

 

Does it matter to you what the state of their M is - since you are M yourself, and have given no hint that you plan on leaving your H for a future with this MOM?

 

Does it matter to you that he lied to you, while claiming to be so open and transparent? If yes, you have enough evidence of that, even with what you have. Don't confront him - that simply gives him the opportunity to spin more bull**** stories to keep you in his web. Rather, accept that he's not who you thought he was, dump him and move on.

 

If it doesn't matter that he lied to you, laugh it off and carry on as before.

[Satu]

Best to believe nothing he says.

 

MM'S are all accomplished liars.

[Mayday2016]

He's always lying. That's the thing.

 

He's lying to you.

He's lying to her.

He's lying to himself to justify his actions.

 

You never believe a word he says, ever.

 

And if you're married, you're lying too.

[len51]

Always be guided by this basic fact; a persons past behavior is a good predictor of his future behavior. While there is always a little lying between spouses even in the best of marriages, it usually is not about very important stuff that affects the relationship.

 

I believe in a healthy dose of mistrust in everyone. No one is 100% trustful or truthful. However, if a person proves they are not to be trusted or believed, than that healthy dose turns into total distrust and unbelievably. You cannot live with someone who has to tell you when he is telling the truth or lying or if you have to figure that out for yourself.

 

I do not know why but in my long adult life I have seen so many women get involved with men that are toxic and should be together. Yet they marry and then divorce later on. Are women so desperate for a man that they will overlook what other's see? We had an engaged couple as friends a few years back and the soon to be husband was bragging to me about all the girls he cheated with on his fiancee as if I was going to be impressed by that. His poor fiancee believed all the excuses he made for not coming home on time or why he was away for the weekend. After all, why would the guy who wants to marry me and loves me, want to cheat.

 

The best time to dump a loser is before you marry him. Do not make the mistake of thinking that you can change a person. You cannot and the divorce and cheating rates reflect that.

[bathtub-row]

I wouldn't confront him. You won't believe anything he says and he'll most likely lie anyway. Just end things with him and let him know that if he ever gets a divorce and if you get a divorce, to look you up.

[elaine567]

We had an engaged couple as friends a few years back and the soon to be husband was bragging to me about all the girls he cheated with on his fiancée as if I was going to be impressed by that. His poor fiancée believed all the excuses he made for not coming home on time or why he was away for the weekend. After all, why would the guy who wants to marry me and loves me, want to cheat.

 

I think "love" has a lot to answer for as to why many women, find it difficult to think ill of their man, despite the red flags fluttering away.

Declarations of "love" are seen as "proof" of truth, honesty and openness - they cancel out just about everything bad even abuse.

However the reality is that anyone can say they love you.

Men up to no good, use it to get their own way,

"I love you, so I would never cheat on you, I would never lie to you..."

"I love you, I am sleeping in the spare room at home, believe me, I would never lie to you"...... etc. etc

Hmmm...

[burnt]

I was honest about everything to my xMM.

About every.single.thing.in.my.life. 100%

 

Funny thing about how the mind works; I assumed he was honest about everything too, in return.

So, I trusted every.single.thing.he.ever.told.me.

Never casted a single drop of a single doubt on anything he told me.

 

In retrospect, there is something sacred about being able to trust someone to that level of perfection, however wrong the relationship might have been.

 

Then there was the END.

And after the end, there came the doubts. All I needed was a single doubt of his sincerity--then slowly slowly what has emerged is an ugly truth from underneath.

 

Looking back, I know I was 100% honest with him.

Looking back, I cannot tell anymore what he was honest about.

 

He didn't lie about everything; there was a smooth blend of blunt truths perfectly entwined with manipulative lies.

 

I wish he lied about everything. The problem is he mixed lies with truths, and now looking back I cannot pick out a SINGLE thing that he said that I can be absolutely sure was the truth.

 

Kinda like putting one drop of urine in a bucket of water; once you know that, try drinking a drop of water from that bucket.

Every drop has been corrupted.

 

So, to answer your question:

At the start and during the affair, you believe everything MM says.

Then you learn that you can believe nothing MM says.

[lemondrop21]

This post really made me shiver. I've seen other posts like it, but still. xMM said all of those things to me... supposedly their marriage was horrid and got better in the past year. But who knows. It could be all lies. How can you ever really know? You can't.

 

At the end of the day I guess it doesn't matter. Except that it shatters your trust in other, perfectly decent human beings. And therein lies the real tragedy.

[BuddyX]

In all of this your husband is getting played for a fool. Not once did you really mention your hubby. SMH

 

"A successful relationship is not just finding the right person...it's being the right person. If you are M....you shouldn't be looking for any outside of your M."

[LanceMannion]

that all men lie

 

but everyone lies

[ladydesigner]

OP you are both M'd therefore you are both liars. Honestly I wouldn't believe him and neither should he towards you.

 

People in A's lie to themselves, to each other, and to their BS's.

 

What if they are being intimate??? I know i can't get upset but i am.

 

Are you still sleeping with your husband?

[privategal]

This is very difficult for me to discuss but my xeap was a former coworker.

He was a great great friend and began to hit on me after we both were married and once they had kids.

She really was sleeping with the newborns in the nursery so he would talk to me late at night and omg soooo many loving words, the most profound discussions of desire and LOVE you could even imagine.

I was astonished he was never expressive this way in the past and I thought what had happened was he realized he loved me. Id have sworn he was madly deeply in love on my life.

To his credit he did not put his wife down nor would I ever put my H down.

But I had met her she was beautiful and sweet. So what in the world did he need an ap for?

Well...Im gonna guess, she was breastfeeding, exhausted and catering to babies and not to him.

Im sure sex was the last thing on her mind and rightly so, so I was the easy target, the great attention giving friend, sad to say the low hanging fruit.

I fell hard for the words and attention Im ashamed to admit.

I justified...were just friends, I knew him first...were not breaking up a home, were just enjoying a little extra.

Oh my I had every excuse in the book.

He took full advantage and the very second her pregnacy weight fell off and she stopped breastfeeding (I assumed, these arent details we discussed just guessing) he dropped me.

Coldly, quickly..."Im a dad, we need to focus on our spouses" quite literally overnight...from you are amazing, sexy, I love you, I want you, I need you...to...DONE, stone cold, she was back in the nursery and back to their bed and he didnt need the attention...But we can be friends right?

Theres a real life and reality and nice wife behind these guys and they are madters as making us feel we are the only one and its REALLY easy to be tricked. Im sorry I have to vote for cut him OFF....Or he will do it "guilt" or dday will do it. Best wishes.

[SammySammy]

Affairs are by their very nature dishonest. It's interesting how we seek truth in a cloud of deception. In the end, I think we're only fooling ourselves. We're to blame for being naive - for believing anything at all.

[sandylee1]

You don't know what to believe. You just can't know with anyone really.

 

Don't confront him. You've seen she's not the scruffy hag he's made her out to be.

 

How sad she's raising the kids as the primary carer and her whole family think he's Mr wonderful. You can see right there why a BSs family can be against reconciliation... when he's deceived them all.

[Poppy47]

There is no such thing as honour among thieves if you get my point.

 

You are both lying.

 

Poppy.

[MJJean]

This post really made me shiver. I've seen other posts like it, but still. xMM said all of those things to me... supposedly their marriage was horrid and got better in the past year. But who knows. It could be all lies. How can you ever really know? You can't.

 

How OW's can tell the MM's marriage isn't as bad as he's making it out to be is the divorce test. If he hasn't filed for divorce, it's not that bad.

[Grapesofwrath]

From your post, it sounds like you realize how ironic it is that you are feeling shocked by the discovery that your married OM is lying to you. Of course he is lying. As others have stated, he lies to you, his wife, and himself. That is the nature of the beast.

 

I also agree with the previous poster who said that they call it Fakebook for a reason. She is curating her image on there, just like everyone else. So the marriage is not as perfect as it seems (who's is?) but neither is it as dire as he describes.

 

He tells you these things to justify his actions. If he told you, "My wife is a beautiful woman and I am happy with her. We have a satisfying marriage and a wonderful family that I treasure...and I'd like to have you on the side." How would you respond to that? In all likelihood it would not meet the needs you have that drive you to engage in an A yourself. It might work for a single OW, but if you are also married and in an A, my guess is that you are after some adoration and fantasy as well, so he gave it to you.

[Gloria25]

He may not be lying, he may be a coward and hypocrite, OR, regardless about what he says about her, he wants to be with/AND is with her...PERIOD.

 

See it all the time. MM is married to Shamu, the Ice Queen, the Wicked Witch from the West, but guess what? Every night he's getting a hard on and doing her. Also, he's posting endless smoochies of them two on Facebook. So, either way it's a sick situation cuz how gross it is to kiss up to someone you talk badly about to others? How cold and heartless to look into her eyes and lie about how you feel about her?

 

Ta-da!!!

 

So, the question turns into, "How can you get hot and horny for a guy like this?"

[Gloria25]

I also agree with the previous poster who said that they call it Fakebook for a reason. She is curating her image on there, just like everyone else. So the marriage is not as perfect as it seems (who's is?) but neither is it as dire as he describes.

 

Yeah, but no one is twisting his arm to do all those pics on FB neither. If I knew my OW/OM could see it, I'd set my pics to "private". That's what I do on my FB...only people that can see pics of my family members, friends, and/or pics of my family are people that I "friend". I believe my family members have a right to their privacy.

 

Allowing the world to see pics of my family on FB is akin to me taking our photo album and posting it on a highway billboard. Tacky, invasive, and just overbearing if you ask me. Family photos, IMO, is something I wanna share to people what I actually give a hoot about. Eh, but then again, on FB people "friend" whomever, could be a hobo they met on the way to work.

 

But yes, if I had a OW/OM, I'd put private certain photos cuz I mean, IMO, OW/OMs shouldn't be so naive to think that the WS isn't doing things with their BS that would hurt the OW/OM (i.e. having sex with BS, telling them they love them, being kind to them, spending time with them)...but at the same time, posting pics about it on FB is like rubbing it in your face and insensitive, IMO.

[Bufo]

There is a simple test to learn if MM is lying. Are his lips moving when he is speaking to you? If the answer is yes then he is lying.

 

Sorry to seem harsh but I think you know that he is a liar. This isn't the 19th Century when divorces were very difficult to obtain. He's not staying married because he's unhappy.