How do you know what to believe?

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't know any other way of explaining it. He was happily married, never cheats bla bla...then out of nowhere he starts coming onto me aggressively, and then relatively quickly...you are my soulmate, you complete me. He even called me his wife when we were in public. I wish I could explain the mind ***k. I knew it was wrong, I had these moments of almost like derealization, where I was looking at myself outside my body. Like, it wasn't real at all. I've only met him twice. I broke it off before the third meeting.

 

.

 

Cali: What you describe here sounds like a classic example of Love Bombing. A trademark of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Have you read about that?

[renaissancewoman]

Cali,

I don't think I can pm yet. Thank you for trying to explain. I'm not sure I will ever understand and still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. It looks like you are too.

 

I'm sorry for what happened with you and your MM. I honestly am just having a hard time with the complete lack of empathy that occurs amongst OW with regard to the BS and disregard to real world consequences for their actions. This is not a judgement on you, just a general observation. I'm a pretty analytical girl, and maybe that's why I have a hard time with it because it just seems so irrational.

 

I'm not normally a black and white thinker, but when it comes to marriage, it's pretty simple. A married man or woman is off-limits. If you're married, you shouldn't have eyes for anyone other than your spouse no matter how bad the relationship is. If it's that bad, get out. Don't muddy things up by perpetuating wrong with wrong. I don't even like the idea of crushes, even though I know it's "normal". Maybe I'm setting myself up for disappointment by setting such high expectations, but I also think it helps to keep me on the straight and narrow path. I find other men attractive, but I just don't allow my mind to wander into the grey areas.

 

The only way I can explain it is, I know myself to have quite the addictive tendencies. I get hooked on things pretty easily: pop, games, foods, LS . For that reason, I have never allowed myself to do drugs. Not once. Because I KNOW I would get hooked and I would ruin my life. So while I'm sure getting high would feel fantastic, I just was too scared of the consequences. That fear far oitweighed the idea of any pleasure I could ever experience from drugs. I think about extramarital relationships this way. I'm sure the thrill of forbidden love feels amazing, but the fear of the cost is much greater and is enough to keep me away. Hope that makes sense.

[Girlfromcali]

Yeah, that makes sense, I have addictive tendencies as well and I'm impulsive, but the thing is that I have NEVER been attracted to men that are in relationships. Even as a young woman, as soon as I knew a guy had a girlfriend or if I knew I guy liked another girl, or my girlfriend liked a guy...those guys became immediately brothers to me. It wasn't even a conscious decision that I would think that way, it was just a turn off for me if a man in a relationship was flirting with other women. That's why I can't wrap my head around this thing at all. I'm middle aged now so I didn't know I have to watch out some hidden patterns that I wasn't aware of.

 

I participated in the A and wanted it too. I wasn't a victim of it by any means, but it annoys me that I let it happen because he's a master seducer and really good at it. I knew about his narcissism too. There is no excuse. So annoying.

Edited April 30, 2016 by Girlfromcali

[sandylee1]

Definitely single never-married girls often dont understand the dynamics of marriage and how unlikely it is a man will just "break up" with his wife and start anew with her.

 

I don't really get this bit.

 

As a single girl I knew that a relationship with a MM or guy with a GF was wrong.... end of story. I didn't need to know the dynamics of marriage... I just needed to know he was somebody else's guy (as in the famous lyrics of Jocelyn Brown)..... anything else was irrelevant.

 

I actually found being hit on by a MM insulting...... because it was clear he was only after some extra and not a proper relationship with me. I had too much self respect to be a dirty little secret and anyone trying to make me be that. .... clearly didn't respect me. I knew that in my teens.....

[Denton2406]

I find it a little patronising to say that single, never married girls don't understand the dynamics of marriage. Most of them have grown up living with married parents and saw the dynamics of marriage 24-7 and may have been affected by their issues. One in three marriages ends in divorce so if someone is that unhappy they will leave. All marriages are different and you can't generalise and say that a MM will not leave, as lots do, as well as women, especially in this day and age.

[Poppy47]

Wow, I have never heard of that before but it makes sense now.

 

I had 7 years of it on and off. For and older person, I must have been really naive.

 

Poppy

[13Hearts]

Hi, new here. Have been lurking for awhile and it has been helpful. Maybe to helpful as I feel like the more I learn the more I feel stupid.

 

I'm involved with a MM who I work with. It's been going on for almost a year now. We are both married. He has kids, I don't. We have both been in our marriages for a long time.

 

I'm just curious... How do you know what to believe from the MM?

 

I had thought MM and I were pretty open and honest with each other despite what we are doing. In fact he made such a big deal about how honest he was with me!

 

However my recent creeping around is starting to show me he has lied to me, and more than once.

 

I can't believe i'm saying this- but i'm devasted. totally devastated and heartbroken knowing hes lying or bull****ting me.

One- he told me such awful things about his wife. not really awful, just led me to believe they were getting divorced, marriage was over, she was worthless with the kids, housekeeping, was cold towards him, didn't give him affection, love, was sleeping in the other room for months now... etc etc.

and then once made a comment about her looks on how she has "let herself go" since the last baby and is somewhat depressed bc she never takes care of herself anymore. He seemed disgusted by this and then looked at me and made some comment about how i have it all together, dress nice every day, and he is so attracted to that. He just kept looking me up and down saying he loves how i have it all together. This actually made me feel bad for his wife bc she is taking care of kids all day and i don't even have any.

So I believed all that... it seems to be quite common from what I've read on here. However; I came across her FB recently and I now I wish I hadn't... it told another story! um one... she is stunning, i don't see how she "let herself go". Which makes me want to barf. I instantly feel like i'm now competing with her and have been looking myself over and over now. She has pics of them all over her page. Talking about how loving he is, how great he is to her and the kids.. how HAPPY he makes her. How they have plans for the future. WHAT?! future?? Then I see the comments from her family members talking about how great of a husband he is to her and how he loves her SO MUCH. WHAT??! I thought they were divorcing.... and I thought I was the one who lit his fire so to speak. But nope, there they are together... him holding his wife so tightly arms around her and they are both smiling and look SO HAPPY! this was a week ago.... a week ago when he said they were still sleeping in separate rooms. But these pics... of him and her. OMG he is grabbing on her, loving on her and vice versa. She doesn't seem so cold in those pics.

 

I'm so confused. Sorry for the long rambling post. What do I do??

 

Should I confront him?

 

If he lies about his wife, what else could he be lying about?? Is he lying when he says i'm the best Everything to him? Am I the one who really makes him feel so good like he says? iS it me who he thinks of when he wakes up and goes to bed... like he says?

 

He told me she was sleeping in the kids room for months now as they are about to go through divorce. Also claiming they have not been intimate in months now! Now i'm wondering if they are even sleeping in separate rooms? What if they are being intimate??? I know i can't get upset but i am.

Again sorry for long post.

 

You might want to do some reading about sociopathy and character disorders. Yes, he is lying to you. And if he weren't lying to you, he'd be lying to someone else. And once you dump his sorry ass and run as far away from him as you can, he'll find someone else to tell his lies to.

 

No sense telling him what you think, as he'll deny the truth. You need your feelings and your take on what has happened validated and you're not going to get that from him. I promise you.

[elaine567]

You might want to do some reading about sociopathy and character disorders. Yes, he is lying to you. And if he weren't lying to you, he'd be lying to someone else. And once you dump his sorry ass and run as far away from him as you can, he'll find someone else to tell his lies to.

 

No sense telling him what you think, as he'll deny the truth. You need your feelings and your take on what has happened validated and you're not going to get that from him. I promise you.

 

The update - finally have the truth - NC day2

[Girlfromcali]

I don't really get this bit.

 

As a single girl I knew that a relationship with a MM or guy with a GF was wrong.... end of story. I didn't need to know the dynamics of marriage... I just needed to know he was somebody else's guy (as in the famous lyrics of Jocelyn Brown)..... anything else was irrelevant.

 

I actually found being hit on by a MM insulting...... because it was clear he was only after some extra and not a proper relationship with me. I had too much self respect to be a dirty little secret and anyone trying to make me be that. .... clearly didn't respect me. I knew that in my teens.....

 

And why would you want to be doing something to others that you wouldn't want to be done to you? If you don't want women to be having A's with your man, then don't do that to other women, either. We really really should not be doing that, just out of loyalty to other women if nothing else.

 

Well, that's my opinion anyway.. but I know the sacrifices women make in their long marriages, usually, no matter what the MM says about her.

[sandylee1]

And why would you want to be doing something to others that you wouldn't want to be done to you? If you don't want women to be having A's with your man, then don't do that to other women, either. We really really should not be doing that, just out of loyalty to other women if nothing else.

 

.

 

I'm not sure if you meant 'you' as in me or you were talking generally . I'm not an OW and never have been. Nor will I ever be.

[Girlfromcali]

I'm not sure if you meant 'you' as in me or you were talking generally . I'm not an OW and never have been. Nor will I ever be.

 

Oh no, not you, you as a collective you, or y'all as the southerner would say

Maybe I should've said "we" or "one" since I'm included too!

[lftbehind]

Hi, new here. Have been lurking for awhile and it has been helpful. Maybe to helpful as I feel like the more I learn the more I feel stupid.

 

I'm involved with a MM who I work with. It's been going on for almost a year now. We are both married. He has kids, I don't. We have both been in our marriages for a long time.

 

I'm just curious... How do you know what to believe from the MM?

 

I had thought MM and I were pretty open and honest with each other despite what we are doing. In fact he made such a big deal about how honest he was with me!

 

However my recent creeping around is starting to show me he has lied to me, and more than once.

 

I can't believe i'm saying this- but i'm devasted. totally devastated and heartbroken knowing hes lying or bull****ting me.

One- he told me such awful things about his wife. not really awful, just led me to believe they were getting divorced, marriage was over, she was worthless with the kids, housekeeping, was cold towards him, didn't give him affection, love, was sleeping in the other room for months now... etc etc.

and then once made a comment about her looks on how she has "let herself go" since the last baby and is somewhat depressed bc she never takes care of herself anymore. He seemed disgusted by this and then looked at me and made some comment about how i have it all together, dress nice every day, and he is so attracted to that. He just kept looking me up and down saying he loves how i have it all together. This actually made me feel bad for his wife bc she is taking care of kids all day and i don't even have any.

So I believed all that... it seems to be quite common from what I've read on here. However; I came across her FB recently and I now I wish I hadn't... it told another story! um one... she is stunning, i don't see how she "let herself go". Which makes me want to barf. I instantly feel like i'm now competing with her and have been looking myself over and over now. She has pics of them all over her page. Talking about how loving he is, how great he is to her and the kids.. how HAPPY he makes her. How they have plans for the future. WHAT?! future?? Then I see the comments from her family members talking about how great of a husband he is to her and how he loves her SO MUCH. WHAT??! I thought they were divorcing.... and I thought I was the one who lit his fire so to speak. But nope, there they are together... him holding his wife so tightly arms around her and they are both smiling and look SO HAPPY! this was a week ago.... a week ago when he said they were still sleeping in separate rooms. But these pics... of him and her. OMG he is grabbing on her, loving on her and vice versa. She doesn't seem so cold in those pics.

 

I'm so confused. Sorry for the long rambling post. What do I do??

 

Should I confront him?

 

If he lies about his wife, what else could he be lying about?? Is he lying when he says i'm the best Everything to him? Am I the one who really makes him feel so good like he says? iS it me who he thinks of when he wakes up and goes to bed... like he says?

 

He told me she was sleeping in the kids room for months now as they are about to go through divorce. Also claiming they have not been intimate in months now! Now i'm wondering if they are even sleeping in separate rooms? What if they are being intimate??? I know i can't get upset but i am.

Again sorry for long post.

 

I can sympathize with you about the facebook. I just saw a picture of MM with his arm around his wife and a huge smile that I've never seen on him before. It is a big reality check. He told me she is always mad at him about something and it's tense around their house a lot. Not that that couldn't be the case, but I'm sure he tries to make it worse than it is to justify the A. I would assume that your MM might mean some of what he's saying, but he also may be saying what he needs to say so you'll stay in the A.

[lftbehind]

Sorry, in my previous post I hadn't seen that you're in NC with MM now.

[bewell]

Because they have to lay it on thick and woo like Prince Charming in order for the potential OW to overlook the fact they are married and living with their wife and children; they make up for the acceptance of that and the breadcrumbs and all the other ****tiness by bombing you with flowerly words, feel good sayings, texts and texts. They make a deep emotional connection to hook you so they can keep getting what they want -- fun, romance, sex, companionship...AND their married family life. Now, I will say some maybe do this subconsciously...ie maybe they aren't actively saying "hey let me really lay it on thick and reel her in"...but they are in denial themselves...telling themselves well I deserve this, my wife wont find out, no one will get hurt...etc etc

 

 

Then like the above 2 cases....once the OW ROLE becomes shaky...she pushes for more, makes him uncomfortable, asks questions he doesn't want to face....he pulls back. Or just consciously lies more and more to keep getting his CAKE (Marriage and OW)

 

 

But its why every OW thinks shes special, that he will leave, that they are destined soul mates, etc. B/c he lays it on so thick. He cultivates that "CONNECTION" and chemistry and everything else.

 

 

You nailed it!