How do you know what to believe?

[Ophelia25]

Up front there has to be an attraction and I said in general. Men are wired different than women.

 

Most women have to have an emotional connection for an affair. Men, an attraction is all it takes. Which one is easier to break? Obviously Its the attraction. Emotional ties run very deep that's why it's so hard to get over.

 

Most women who get involved and later dropped don't want to face the reality of what really happened. It's to hurtfull so it just can't be.

 

It's not 100% but for the most part that's how it is. Another thing, most will not destroy themselves financially over an affair if given a choice.

 

Been thinking about this a lot. Undecided, but...

 

My A has been through so many transformations in the 8 years it's been happening. And perhaps I'm way less the norm just in sense that mine has been almost exclusively long-distance, so it had no choice but to be emotional for most of it.

 

Although he has always been more physical than I have, meaning he wants to touch and feel and see and DO things, even virtually, when we first kind of realized we were in an "affair," I was intent on keeping the emotional part out of it. He was fun to "play" with, i.e., sext, flirt, banter, send and receive raunchy pictures. The emotional part, though it hovered in the background, terrified me and felt so much more wrong. He was all over it, though - telling me he loved me, giving me stories of undying devotion, blah, blah. I balked, the emotion was too much for me. Keep it casual.

 

Only after several years, and after he seemed to back off emotionally, did I come around. Now, for the last maybe 2-3 years, I've been an emotional basketcase, trying and failing repeatedly to bury it because he is totally just about the sexual stuff now. He says the "other" is still there, but that "we" have too much difficulty when "we" let the emotional things in, so he just tunes them out. Maybe the difference is that men CAN tune them out and women just can't.

[notthechosen1]

Him staying for financial reasons doesn't make sense only bc of the discussions we had at the beginning of our relationship.

His wife has been staying at home with their young kids for the past few years. This August she has plans to return to work and had already been offered a contract to return. Upon her returning to work she will make more money than MM.

Do you think he is staying bc he doesn't want to lose her money as well?

This is why I don't think MM is staying due to finances. His w will be way better off than him if they split. He was adamant that neither would owe each other money in a divorce due to both them having high incomes.

 

I suppose this is more of his future faking.

 

He had every opportunity to divorce as he told me he wanted and didn't take it.

 

I wish he would just say something to me. anything. I came in early in hopes I could get a few mins with him before everyone else arrived and he came in usual time.

 

I realize now how bad all this is and the things I say. I just can't seem to understand how someone can say they love you so much, you are their world, you are amazing, and then in a split second poof be gone and not have any feelings or anything toward you at all. I am struggling bad with trying to understand how he could do this to me. Did it really mean nothing to him? at all? ever?

 

I don't even think it was about sex as we only had sex like 5 times out of the 10 mos.

 

I'm going NC for fear of his wife and losing my job. this is hard.

 

I keep thinking and looking past at the last year and I am just amazed at how much I have no clue as to what went on! My own husband left and I didn't even care. I had a family member die and I didn't travel for the funeral. Didn't want to be away from MM for a week.

All these things keep coming up. All the things I put on hold for him, all the things I got rid of just for him. All of it. All the time spent on him, for him.

I realize I have done nothing the past year but be invested in a married man who doesn't even want me now.

what is wrong with me.

[BuddyX]

Yes you did that. But it stops today. You're on your way to freedom.

God did not put you on earth to be a side piece.

 

From what I read in your thread it doesn't appear that you have many close friends. To truly get over this you're going to need support. Either family or counseling, you have to detach yourself from this experience.

 

Good luck

[Marc878]

The real test is this. Like most he's still with his wife.

 

Go dark, block him on everything and move on with your life.

 

You are over analyzing it. His wife and family are priority 1.

[Marc878]

Been thinking about this a lot. Undecided, but...

 

My A has been through so many transformations in the 8 years it's been happening. And perhaps I'm way less the norm just in sense that mine has been almost exclusively long-distance, so it had no choice but to be emotional for most of it.

 

Although he has always been more physical than I have, meaning he wants to touch and feel and see and DO things, even virtually, when we first kind of realized we were in an "affair," I was intent on keeping the emotional part out of it. He was fun to "play" with, i.e., sext, flirt, banter, send and receive raunchy pictures. The emotional part, though it hovered in the background, terrified me and felt so much more wrong. He was all over it, though - telling me he loved me, giving me stories of undying devotion, blah, blah. I balked, the emotion was too much for me. Keep it casual.

 

Only after several years, and after he seemed to back off emotionally, did I come around. Now, for the last maybe 2-3 years, I've been an emotional basketcase, trying and failing repeatedly to bury it because he is totally just about the sexual stuff now. He says the "other" is still there, but that "we" have too much difficulty when "we" let the emotional things in, so he just tunes them out. Maybe the difference is that men CAN tune them out and women just can't.

 

Or was the other just used for a purpose? Again, the real test is where is he?

[ladydesigner]

I realize I have done nothing the past year but be invested in a married man who doesn't even want me now.

what is wrong with me.

 

(((notthechosen1))) Nothing is wrong with you. You fell in love with the wrong person. There is nothing wrong with loving someone.

 

Start taking your power back day by day. This man does not deserve the energy you are spending thinking about him.

[elaine567]

Only after several years, and after he seemed to back off emotionally, did I come around. Now, for the last maybe 2-3 years, I've been an emotional basketcase, trying and failing repeatedly to bury it because he is totally just about the sexual stuff now. He says the "other" is still there, but that "we" have too much difficulty when "we" let the emotional things in, so he just tunes them out. Maybe the difference is that men CAN tune them out and women just can't.

Perhaps he turned on the "emotional" at the start to make sure you were "hooked" and on board. Once you became obviously "hooked" he didn't/doesn't have do it any more.

[elaine567]

Him staying for financial reasons doesn't make sense only bc of the discussions we had at the beginning of our relationship.

His wife has been staying at home with their young kids for the past few years. This August she has plans to return to work and had already been offered a contract to return. Upon her returning to work she will make more money than MM.

Do you think he is staying bc he doesn't want to lose her money as well?

This is why I don't think MM is staying due to finances. His w will be way better off than him if they split. He was adamant that neither would owe each other money in a divorce due to both them having high incomes.

 

BUT he has three young kids to take care of and a house and lifestyle to support, of course finances come into it. His wife is a high earner and together they will be building a secure base for themselves and their family in the future. Together they are a good team.

Apart, he is is deep trouble, his wife may just walk out leaving him with the kids or with 50:50 custody he is going to have to pay for child care or work part time. He will most likely have to sell the house at some point maybe at a loss, so of course finances come into it. Divorce may be very costly if she is going to fight him too.

Stay and it is all smooth sailing, leave and it is a potential nightmare financially.

[rainbowsandkittens]

(((notthechosen1))) Nothing is wrong with you. You fell in love with the wrong person. There is nothing wrong with loving someone.

 

Start taking your power back day by day. This man does not deserve the energy you are spending thinking about him.

 

This.

 

We've been here. It is the worst pain. All the questions, all the looking back and wondering what was real and what wasn't. It's the same for the BS as it is for the AP, from what I've read on here. It's not fair to you and it sucks. The only person who gets through this generally unscathed is the WS (this is debatable but generally.) As much as you're trying to reconcile it in your head- unfortunately you're never going to be able to. We can never truly know why another person does the things they do. And really? It doesn't matter. It's what YOU do that matters. And what you need to do is move forward. Stop looking backward. Use this to figure out what YOU want and who YOU are.

 

And DO NOT wait for him at the office any more. He is for sure going to tell his wife who may let out the information as she threatened she would. You're going to need to accept that unless he comes to you- which is unlikely- you're not going to get the answers or closure that you need. And if you did? It wouldn't change anything.

 

I wish I could hug you. I know how crappy this is and how crappy it's going to be for a while. But it gets better. It really does.

 

PS. Also realize that I am still struggling and trying to figure this out myself so it's a little bit of a case of being able to give advice and not fully take it.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Side conversation (and this might not be the best place for it):

 

Shatteredlady and Ladydesigner-

 

Can I ask- why do you stay? I've read so many of your posts (esp SL) and you both have been so hurt and in so much pain. And judging by your recent posts you're not sure it won't happen again. I know you've said a little about finances and the history you share with your SO. Is it also just plain love for them? Is it hope for a better future? I am just wondering bc you both seem like such incredible, strong, compassionate, lovely women and it seems like these relationships bring you so much unhappiness. I know that this is still early on in the recovery process (yes?) but is there a plan in place? A timeline? I've read a lot of the Infidelity board and it seems like people either leave right away or they stay and spend years working on it. Being single I don't know what I would do in that situation so I'm genuinely curious.

[renaissancewoman]

I realize now how bad all this is and the things I say. I just can't seem to understand how someone can say they love you so much, you are their world, you are amazing, and then in a split second poof be gone and not have any feelings or anything toward you at all. I am struggling bad with trying to understand how he could do this to me. Did it really mean nothing to him? at all? ever?

 

Respectfully, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. You're trying to gain understanding based on what he has SAID to you, while his actions reveal him to be a man who isn't capable of being truthful. Why are you trying to make sense of someone's words when they have given you nothing to believe that can even tell the truth? This man lied to his wife for a year. What makes you think he couldn't lie to you?

 

I'm so sorry! This must be such a nightmare for you. The only thing you can do now is try and move forward with your life. See him for the man he has proven himself to be. He manipulated you and now is trying to reconcile with his wife. He chose her. I realize it must be embarrassing for you especially given what you have lost. But you won't be able to move on with your life if you continue to try to analyze everything based on what he said to you in the past. That's all lies. You really only know what you felt. You are grieving and in shock, which is totally understandable. But don't get caught up in the thinking of "but what about when he said this?" Or what about "when we did that?" That's not your current reality right now. Your reality is that he has chosen to be with his wife. Whatever his reasons is of no consequence to you and how you should move forward. You need to control only what you can control and stop wasting more of your time and energy on him.

[ladydesigner]

Side conversation (and this might not be the best place for it):

 

Shatteredlady and Ladydesigner-

 

Can I ask- why do you stay? I've read so many of your posts (esp SL) and you both have been so hurt and in so much pain. And judging by your recent posts you're not sure it won't happen again. I know you've said a little about finances and the history you share with your SO. Is it also just plain love for them? Is it hope for a better future? I am just wondering bc you both seem like such incredible, strong, compassionate, lovely women and it seems like these relationships bring you so much unhappiness. I know that this is still early on in the recovery process (yes?) but is there a plan in place? A timeline? I've read a lot of the Infidelity board and it seems like people either leave right away or they stay and spend years working on it. Being single I don't know what I would do in that situation so I'm genuinely curious.

In answering rainbowsandkittens questions start t/j:

 

After Dday1 I really did love my WH and want to work on it. I was even taking the blame for his A although I shouldn't have completely bore the brunt of it. He kept breaking NC and each time I caught him there was some explanation for it. Really I should have kicked him out but I was mentally unstable at the time. I was hospitalized 2 times for breakdowns. The last one I was positive I wanted out of my M and told him so. He asked for one last chance. 2 years after thinking I was in R, and we did have a good M during those years so I really believed the A was over, the MOW contacted me to let me know the A never ended. My WH confirmed it. My immediate reaction was I need to D, but we had just moved into a new home, I just lost my job, my best friend had just told me she was moving across the US, and my WH had found out he needed cancer removed. I felt paralyzed to make a decision. I have been stuck ever since. My WH has shown more remorse this time around, but not enough. I'm not sure what I feel, it feels like I have a protective barrier up where I can't feel anything that relates to him. I can't seem to snap out of it either. I assume because my WH does not put in the work to make me feel better or safe.

 

Why I stay is such a hard question for me to answer. I always say the kids because they are who I think of first when I think of D. I honestly don't know what the answer is, if it would be better for me to D or not. I mean for me yes but for the kids I'm not sure. The kids are like the glue in a M. I do have to get myself back into therapy again so I am going to do that to explore my thoughts because this experience has definitely left me jaded and I don't want to feel this way forever.

 

My timeline right now is when the kids leave. If I don't feel anything keeping me in the M I will most likely leave then, which is 8 years away IDK I'm obviously still lost. It's been 1.5 years since the False R discovery so maybe need more years of healing.

 

end t/j ;-)

[rainbowsandkittens]

In answering rainbowsandkittens questions start t/j:

 

After Dday1 I really did love my WH and want to work on it. I was even taking the blame for his A although I shouldn't have completely bore the brunt of it. He kept breaking NC and each time I caught him there was some explanation for it. Really I should have kicked him out but I was mentally unstable at the time. I was hospitalized 2 times for breakdowns. The last one I was positive I wanted out of my M and told him so. He asked for one last chance. 2 years after thinking I was in R, and we did have a good M during those years so I really believed the A was over, the MOW contacted me to let me know the A never ended. My WH confirmed it. My immediate reaction was I need to D, but we had just moved into a new home, I just lost my job, my best friend had just told me she was moving across the US, and my WH had found out he needed cancer removed. I felt paralyzed to make a decision. I have been stuck ever since. My WH has shown more remorse this time around, but not enough. I'm not sure what I feel, it feels like I have a protective barrier up where I can't feel anything that relates to him. I can't seem to snap out of it either. I assume because my WH does not put in the work to make me feel better or safe.

 

Why I stay is such a hard question for me to answer. I always say the kids because they are who I think of first when I think of D. I honestly don't know what the answer is, if it would be better for me to D or not. I mean for me yes but for the kids I'm not sure. The kids are like the glue in a M. I do have to get myself back into therapy again so I am going to do that to explore my thoughts because this experience has definitely left me jaded and I don't want to feel this way forever.

 

My timeline right now is when the kids leave. If I don't feel anything keeping me in the M I will most likely leave then, which is 8 years away IDK I'm obviously still lost. It's been 1.5 years since the False R discovery so maybe need more years of healing.

 

end t/j ;-)

 

Sorry to ask such a personal question. You've been through so much! I can totally understand putting some things on the back burner when you have so much going on. Ugh, I want to kick your husband for you! I think therapy is the best thing ever. I started going during the A and it's been so helpful all the way through.

 

8 years is a long time though. Especially if you're very unhappy. If you're treading water I guess it's not as bad?

 

My parents divorced when I was 3. I think I always knew they were terrible for each other. They remarried the same weekend when I was 7. One good step-parent, one terrible one. Thankfully the good one stayed and the terrible one did not. But I always wonder how bad it really is for kids- if you realize that your parents are unhappy. I always think happy parents are better even if they're not together. But I know that a lot of people have had other divorce experiences.

 

Sending you a big hug too!

[notthechosen1]

Yes you did that. But it stops today. You're on your way to freedom.

God did not put you on earth to be a side piece.

 

From what I read in your thread it doesn't appear that you have many close friends. To truly get over this you're going to need support. Either family or counseling, you have to detach yourself from this experience.

 

Good luck

 

 

I do have a handful of friends... but there is no way I could tell them about this. For the most part they are all religious and some are other professionals I work with. I have considered confiding in one friend but I can't. I just don't want them to know and I don't think they would support me on something like this.

Plus I haven't been too involved with them lately due to all my free time being spent with mm. yuck.

I am considering counseling just so I can have someone to vent this all out too. I keep going from moments of rage to moments of just feeling paralyzed and so numb.

 

And it's Friday, I don't even want to leave work bc I get to go home to an empty house and have a boring weekend bc I now have nobody. wow.

talk about a whole lot of wake up calls. I feel like I am left with nothing and mm walks away back to his wife and has all his attention focused back on her. I gave up so much for him. so much.

[ladydesigner]

I do have a handful of friends... but there is no way I could tell them about this. For the most part they are all religious and some are other professionals I work with. I have considered confiding in one friend but I can't. I just don't want them to know and I don't think they would support me on something like this.

Plus I haven't been too involved with them lately due to all my free time being spent with mm. yuck.

I am considering counseling just so I can have someone to vent this all out too. I keep going from moments of rage to moments of just feeling paralyzed and so numb.

 

And it's Friday, I don't even want to leave work bc I get to go home to an empty house and have a boring weekend bc I now have nobody. wow.

talk about a whole lot of wake up calls. I feel like I am left with nothing and mm walks away back to his wife and has all his attention focused back on her. I gave up so much for him. so much.

 

Yes speaking to a therapist helps because you get a non biased point of view and that person is there to help you.

 

You are going through the stages of grief and that is normal, but very hard.

[Marc878]

I do have a handful of friends... but there is no way I could tell them about this. For the most part they are all religious and some are other professionals I work with. I have considered confiding in one friend but I can't. I just don't want them to know and I don't think they would support me on something like this.

Plus I haven't been too involved with them lately due to all my free time being spent with mm. yuck.

I am considering counseling just so I can have someone to vent this all out too. I keep going from moments of rage to moments of just feeling paralyzed and so numb.

 

And it's Friday, I don't even want to leave work bc I get to go home to an empty house and have a boring weekend bc I now have nobody. wow.

talk about a whole lot of wake up calls. I feel like I am left with nothing and mm walks away back to his wife and has all his attention focused back on her. I gave up so much for him. so much.

 

Is your H totally out of the picture now?

[elaine567]

Is your H totally out of the picture now?

 

He left 5 months ago according to the OP, but they are still married. #60

[ShatteredLady]

Originally Posted by rainbowsandkittens View Post

Side conversation (and this might not be the best place for it):

 

Shatteredlady and Ladydesigner-

 

"Can I ask- why do you stay? I've read so many of your posts (esp SL) and you both have been so hurt and in so much pain. And judging by your recent posts you're not sure it won't happen again. I know you've said a little about finances and the history you share with your SO. Is it also just plain love for them? Is it hope for a better future? I am just wondering bc you both seem like such incredible, strong, compassionate, lovely women and it seems like these relationships bring you so much unhappiness. I know that this is still early on in the recovery process (yes?) but is there a plan in place? A timeline? I've read a lot of the Infidelity board and it seems like people either leave right away or they stay and spend years working on it. Being single I don't know what I would do in that situation so I'm genuinely curious."

 

 

 

Really I should start a thread one day explaining it all. It's pretty confused.

 

Me & my H are 'alternative' people. My H always had very long hair. Favorite bands Rush, Pink Floyd etc. He's a very funny, geeky, gentle hippy person. A computer genius (no exaggeration) commonly referred to as "the nicest guy you've ever met".

 

I'm kind of an idiot savant. I was frequently in trade press as the youngest ever this or that. I made my own clothes, was very 'arty'. I'm the kind of woman who's considered attractive & "One of the guys" so I've always had a lot of men professing their obsessive love for me.

 

My H didn't have a date until after university. He only had one sexual partner & she lived with her bf so they only had sex a couple of times before me. He always suffered depression, very self-deprecating "I'm not good enough for you. You're going to leave me. Everyone wants you!". I was always loyal. He hated work. He was basically a junior clerk & I was a senior manager. He wasn't appreciated for his true talents.

 

We spent the WHOLE YEAR before we got married not working, partying, playing, traveling etc. How many couples can spend 24/7 together for all that time & never get bored?? Even recently my H described it as "Our Magical Life!".

 

He was offered a job transfer too the USA. He didn't take it seriously. I take complete responsibility for talking him into it. In my logic the only thing that stopped us from being 'perfect' was his job. In the USA he would be special, much better job, I believed it would improve his self esteem.

 

He had to move before me. I stayed to sell my house etc. In hindsight he had already changed a lot by the time I got here. He cut his hair off, dressed differently, whatever! We were still deeply in love which after a decade was good going!!

 

I believed that I could be happy & content anywhere but to be honest it was a lot harder than I imagined. He worked long hours. I worked on building a life. Threw parties, dinner parties, fun activities. Life was good.... Except, he hated work!! Ugh!! Again, my responsibility...I talked him into returning to school to improve his career. He was working, going to school a few evenings a week & studying the rest of the time.

 

He was spending all that time, all the company 'jollies' (wearing swim suits holding eachother on water rides etc) with the department secretary. He started working out all the time he wasn't working. That was weird for a hippy, mock people obsessed with their looks kind of person but I supported it.

 

One day, out of no-where he said "Are you happy?". That was the beginning of my nightmare! We talked that out & everything seemed ok but he spent less & less time at home. Started showing off his 6-pack in public, calling himself a "GOLDEN GOD!". His Mum was sick at the time & I honestly thought he was having a nervous breakdown! He became a complete stranger. The type of man I hate!! All ego, flirting with any woman he came across.

 

He abused me. I've shared some stories but it was so humiliating...I never thought I was the kind of woman who would tolerate that treatment but I was so confused, so isolated. I had no one to talk to. He cut me off from everyone. When the only person you ever see tells you that you're everything horrible you can think of, you start to believe it.

 

It got so bad that a complete stranger gave me an abused woman's rescue society card after watching us in a shop. I convinced myself that he was having a mental breakdown. He was a COMPLETELY different monster of a man. It broke me more than I realized!

 

He told me that a woman at work (the secretary) had been dumped by her bf. I only met them once because her bf spent the whole time hitting on me. It was her birthday. He convinced me to arrange a party for her in our house. She tried to befriend me. Asked to see our wedding album & 'accidently' spilt a glass of wine over it!

 

Days later I found photographs of her & my H cuddling in our house that night! I was already so broken, so lost. In hindsight it was me having the mental breakdown! All of our money was spent on his education (that's why I couldn't go back to school as planned), I didn't know anyone. My only escape would of been telling my parents everything & asking for the money to go home. They would never of forgiven him, I thought it was a mental break & believed we would be ok so I stayed, trapped.

 

Finally I told him it was over. He turned back into the man I'd loved for all of those years. Then his Mum died!! Life hit really hard. He got a new job. So much happened that I did actually forgive & forget. My brother committed suicide, we had children. It was as if that year wasn't real anymore. I had excuses...it was the first time he'd taken SSRI depression meds to quit smoking. He was so cruel & abusive. It just wasn't real.

 

Last year I never thought of it. We were a family with kids. I truly believed with all my heart that he was my FAMILY! My spine is collapsing (I've shrunk 3") but I battled that. He worked long hours, travelled, I had a little one & a baby/toddler so I had no choice. I became an expert on pain management & did support groups teaching others how to deal with chronic pain. He was NEVER my care giver. I over compensated out of guilt & became 'Super Mum & Wife'.

 

But it DOES all effect you. It's so bloody hard to be in pain 24/7. I was never grumpy, battled on (remember idiot savant! I can control myself very well). Then suddenly the pain started to become unmanageable. I thought my thoracic spine was collapsing & it's common for that to feel like a heart attack.

 

My H was so busy & stressed at work I didn't want to worry him so I didn't say anything. Obviously he noticed I was vomiting from pain & could hardly walk. In the end I truly felt like I was dying (heart attack constant symptoms) but he wouldn't take time off work to look after the kids & I couldn't find anyone to so I never phoned 911. I know!!! Crazy!!!

 

On the Monday he could stay with the kids. I went to the docs who panicked!! I was immediately sent to the hospital. Turns out my gallbladder had slowly died & was sending my whole body septic. We were 'told off' by surgeons, docs etc that I had 24-48 hours at most to live!

 

That was so stressful for my H. My Mum flew out to care for the kids & house for a couple of weeks. We had long talks about me working too hard & how I had to slow down. Then my H lost his job!! He's NEVER been laid off before. I understand how that stressed him! We had to cancel planned vacations etc. it was a really hard time. I had so many restrictions. Then my surgeon, removing staples, ripped me open again! Nightmare! Mum had gone home. H was starting new job. He messed-up & thought he was going to loose his job. They gave him lesser tasks to do. He never told me because he didn't want to worry me!

 

Turns out that ever year the OW had been reaching out to him. He says he never responded but I know now that he sent her a photo of my son when I was pregnant with my daughter. He doesn't remember!

 

I knew things weren't right. He was distant & cold. I blamed myself because of my health & all the stress I caused. New Years Day I read the post he made on my chronic pain forum. It wasn't a real post. It was a passive aggressive attack on me. He waited 3 days for me to read it. I lost my mind!! He was saying he was deciding if he should be selfish & leave the BURDEN of me & kids to peruse "Love, romance & adventure" or continue living a miserable life of blah, nothing!

 

After writing this huge essay. Basically the answer is...I stayed because I was so physically & mentally broken that I thought it was all my fault. I promised to be a better wife. All he would say was I didn't make him feel "Special" & I'd always be getting sicker & sicker so I was a burden, no fun. In truth it took him a few months from me nearly dying too asking the OW to open a secret account so I wouldn't throw a "hissy fit!". (Remember, idiot savant, that's so offensive!)

 

I didn't know he had started an EA with her. I blamed myself for everything. I was so sick, medicated, frightened. I just tried to be perfect but that meant doing things I shouldn't do with my health so I was making myself sicker & in more pain. I can't explain really.by the time I found he was with her it was actually a relief.

 

Even when I found the receipt for her mothers Day flowers "to the best mother in the world! All my love..." He convinced me they were just friends. He needed her because I was so crap.

 

When I found emails "you're the first thing I think of when I go to bed at night & the first thing I think of in the morning" & him convincing friends & family that I was a useless cripple who he had to care for (lies) I had enough. Only then did he change his tune. Was going to kill himself etc.

 

A couple of weeks later he said it was all good! It proved how strong we were! We could survive anything!! I saved our marriage. I said I didn't feel like that. I felt destroyed, humiliated, he "stole my love story" I was close to done...

 

I had an obgyn (overdue) appointment & found out that I have cervical & glandular cancer. I've had some surgeries. It's hopefull but not over. I don't even talk to him about it.

 

I don't know if I'm staying. I'm broken. I'm a lost shadow of the lady I was. How can a man who loves me berate me & treat me with utter contempt when I'm laying on the floor in agony, vomiting, done? That's not love.

 

I fear he will never be able to say no to a woman. I believe he blames me in a sick way for not letting him have lots of sex with different women in his 20's. His self-esteem is so low I don't emotionally trust him.

 

I'm isolated & so very frightened. I don't want my kids to come from a broken home. I don't want to put them & my parents (broken from my brothers suicide. Happy because I'm safe & cared for. Love my H like a son) through the truth or a divorce if I'm going to die from cancer anyway.

 

I'm proud but I have to admit I'm lost. I can't cope. I'm in pain every moment of every day. I'm frightened of cancer. I'm terrified of loosing my history, my family, it's all I have. I want my babies to be happy, safe & secure no matter what happens to me.

 

My H can be loving. He now does the shopping & cooks sometimes. I don't give a flying f really. Or I'm just saying that because I'm so lost.

 

This is far too long but I can't edit it anymore. This is my answer. I don't know what the future will bring. I'll paint on a smiley face & carry-on regardless. I wish I had my brother (only sibling) my parents are well in their 70's & broken by my brothers suicide. My happiness comes from the joy of my loved ones. My kids & parents think it's all hunky dory. That's enough for me right now. I'm going home to England. I'm completely overwhelmed by everything. I'm living on

[ShatteredLady]

OMG! Is that the longest post ever on LS??? Sorry! My story is so crazy. I haven't even mentioned that the OW says "It's all in his head & not real!!". It's such a bizarre mess!

[seren]

Shattered Lady x

 

I can see why you chose your username, is that how you feel? I too had cancer when H had the affair, that and long term health problems. I now have to use a wheelchair and for a long, long time wondered where the person who used to be me was. it took a good few years to adapt and adjust to the new me, but I am learning to like her.

 

I and H are one of reconciliation's success stories, if it can be viewed as such. In that respect we are one of the lucky one's. I think there is often a tendency to lump everything into one huge ball of chaotic mess which makes it so hard to manage. For a long while instead of looking at each in turn, as in the cancer, the connective tissue disease, the loss of my job, the affair, the aftermath, my husband's PTSD, combat stress, etc etc, it just became my chaotic life. breaking it down into each problem helped. First off I returned my thoughts to how I have always managed stuff, I never, ever do anything that I don't want to. Took a while to realise that it wasn't selfish, but my right. I also live by that old golden rule of doing no harm, including to myself. Sounds like you are weary and so busy taking care of everyone else's needs yours have become buried.

 

I would ask that you make your list of stuff that needs sorting and then ask yourself what you want for yourself. I tried looking at it from my old eyes, the pre illness, pre affair eyes and then took small steps to work it all out. Illness is bone tiring, pain is too, maybe a small bit when you are able. No one needs to remind you that you have just one shot at a happy life, you deserve it, we all do. I hope with all that I have that your story has a happy ending, that you start to feel joy again. I despaired of ever finding joy, but it was there all along, just buried in that big ball of chaos. My thoughts go to you. xx seren

 

apologies for the T/J, but sometimes life makes us veer off x

[georgia girl]

Shattered Lady and Lady Designer,

 

You are both incredible women with a compelling and powerful story. I am amazed by both your survival and your compassion for others. Truly inspirational women!

 

I don't feel I could even attempt to offer either of you advice, but I will repeat what I often to say to lost and hurting women on this board. We get one very short life. Please seek ways for it to be your best life! You deserve no less than the happiest of futures. Be kind to yourselves.

 

A thousand hugs!!!!

 

Georgia Girl

[Lois_Griffin]

NotTheChosenOne1, I don't believe your lying married man had a D-Day.

 

Don't you find the TIMING of this D-Day incredibly coincidental? No sooner had you called this lying opportunist on his bullsh*t when there was a sudden D-Day. I mean, what were the odds of that?

 

He wouldn't be the first scheming cheater to engineer a fake D-Day to scrape his OW off his grill quickly and cleanly without having to deal with any fallout.

 

He knew you were onto him when you told him in the car you knew he was a lying con artist. He also knew that very angry and scorned OW are NOT an asset to a cheater when he's desperately determined to keep the status quo at home and not end up in divorce court.

 

What's the magic answer to making the OW go away quickly and quietly?

 

A D-Day, that's what.

 

He wouldn't be the first scam artist to pull this off. I'd be wiling to bet he wrote to you pretending to be his wife, claiming to know all about your affair and waiting out by his car for him and reading the messages and texts you kept sending him. And 'her' Ace in the hole was threatening to blow this thing wide open to the people in your life that you love the most if you didn't go quickly and silently away.

 

And it worked.

 

You shut right up, didn't you? You accepted the end of this scam affair and shut right up about it.

 

Have you actually SPOKEN with his wife face to face? Not via text, not via email, not via Facebook messenger, not via smoke signals - but TALKED to her?

 

I'm betting not.

[LovingDelilah]

Hi, new here. Have been lurking for awhile and it has been helpful. Maybe to helpful as I feel like the more I learn the more I feel stupid.

 

I'm involved with a MM who I work with. It's been going on for almost a year now. We are both married. He has kids, I don't. We have both been in our marriages for a long time.

 

I'm just curious... How do you know what to believe from the MM?

 

I had thought MM and I were pretty open and honest with each other despite what we are doing. In fact he made such a big deal about how honest he was with me!

 

However my recent creeping around is starting to show me he has lied to me, and more than once.

 

I can't believe i'm saying this- but i'm devasted. totally devastated and heartbroken knowing hes lying or bull****ting me.

One- he told me such awful things about his wife. not really awful, just led me to believe they were getting divorced, marriage was over, she was worthless with the kids, housekeeping, was cold towards him, didn't give him affection, love, was sleeping in the other room for months now... etc etc.

and then once made a comment about her looks on how she has "let herself go" since the last baby and is somewhat depressed bc she never takes care of herself anymore. He seemed disgusted by this and then looked at me and made some comment about how i have it all together, dress nice every day, and he is so attracted to that. He just kept looking me up and down saying he loves how i have it all together. This actually made me feel bad for his wife bc she is taking care of kids all day and i don't even have any.

So I believed all that... it seems to be quite common from what I've read on here. However; I came across her FB recently and I now I wish I hadn't... it told another story! um one... she is stunning, i don't see how she "let herself go". Which makes me want to barf. I instantly feel like i'm now competing with her and have been looking myself over and over now. She has pics of them all over her page. Talking about how loving he is, how great he is to her and the kids.. how HAPPY he makes her. How they have plans for the future. WHAT?! future?? Then I see the comments from her family members talking about how great of a husband he is to her and how he loves her SO MUCH. WHAT??! I thought they were divorcing.... and I thought I was the one who lit his fire so to speak. But nope, there they are together... him holding his wife so tightly arms around her and they are both smiling and look SO HAPPY! this was a week ago.... a week ago when he said they were still sleeping in separate rooms. But these pics... of him and her. OMG he is grabbing on her, loving on her and vice versa. She doesn't seem so cold in those pics.

 

I'm so confused. Sorry for the long rambling post. What do I do??

 

Should I confront him?

 

If he lies about his wife, what else could he be lying about?? Is he lying when he says i'm the best Everything to him? Am I the one who really makes him feel so good like he says? iS it me who he thinks of when he wakes up and goes to bed... like he says?

 

He told me she was sleeping in the kids room for months now as they are about to go through divorce. Also claiming they have not been intimate in months now! Now i'm wondering if they are even sleeping in separate rooms? What if they are being intimate??? I know i can't get upset but i am.

Again sorry for long post.

 

Married men will say and do anything to get and keep your attention. You have seen for yourself what his wife looks like on Facebook. Does it match what he says? I got involved in an emotional affair based on what he said about the marriage and although some is true I am sure some is not. You need to break it off for your own sanity and may even have to change jobs if you want to keep your self respect and sanity.

[notthechosen1]

NotTheChosenOne1, I don't believe your lying married man had a D-Day.

 

Don't you find the TIMING of this D-Day incredibly coincidental? No sooner had you called this lying opportunist on his bullsh*t when there was a sudden D-Day. I mean, what were the odds of that?

 

He wouldn't be the first scheming cheater to engineer a fake D-Day to scrape his OW off his grill quickly and cleanly without having to deal with any fallout.

 

He knew you were onto him when you told him in the car you knew he was a lying con artist. He also knew that very angry and scorned OW are NOT an asset to a cheater when he's desperately determined to keep the status quo at home and not end up in divorce court.

 

What's the magic answer to making the OW go away quickly and quietly?

 

A D-Day, that's what.

 

He wouldn't be the first scam artist to pull this off. I'd be wiling to bet he wrote to you pretending to be his wife, claiming to know all about your affair and waiting out by his car for him and reading the messages and texts you kept sending him. And 'her' Ace in the hole was threatening to blow this thing wide open to the people in your life that you love the most if you didn't go quickly and silently away.

 

And it worked.

 

You shut right up, didn't you? You accepted the end of this scam affair and shut right up about it.

 

Have you actually SPOKEN with his wife face to face? Not via text, not via email, not via Facebook messenger, not via smoke signals - but TALKED to her?

 

I'm betting not.

 

 

I could not sleep last night and this is exactly what kept going through my mind!!!! I have been wondering this as well! I didn't know if it was the lack of sleep or just the way things happened too quickly!

All I received from her was messages from HER FB. and the immediate shut down from MM.

 

Who I can't stop thinking about. I'm also tempted to email our email box and change the PW back. But am too scared. Then I think why not? I created the dang email! it's mine, I can email it all I want! I have been working on an email all night/morning. I think I am going to send it later.

 

I am just so sick over this. All this is just unbelievable and i'm in so much shock still. Still questioning if this just really happened. I've been thinking about my own husband and why did he leave. I'm almost for certain he left for someone else. Some signs had been there and I probably even encouraged it a bit as I wanted more free time with MM. Oh my goodness what a mess I have caused all around. Is it too early to start drinking??

[notthechosen1]

after thinking more about it, I don't believe that anymore.

There is no way he would do that to me. He was always so discreet.

I know what he felt for me had to have been real. It was real.

She had to have found out. It is the only thing that is logical.

I know he has feelings for me. There is no way someone can just say and be so into you day after day for 10 months and then just vanish on that for no reason. Only good enough reason would be a d day.

I don't understand why though when he was so adamant on leaving her, leaving his marriage. Even saying the kids would be better off as all they do is argue around them.

 

I changed the pw back. Out of curiousity and sent a message.

I don't care at this point. It's the weekend anyways.