Building resentment over lack of proposal

[lifesabeach]

First time poster here and having a tough time with my situation. I've read this board for awhile so I know there are lots of great people here with good advice.

I am a divorced mother of one, divorced 2 years ago. My marriage really ended 5 years ago, but it took me several years to actually get it together to leave and another couple to get the legal process completed. My daughter is 10 and has done well with the transition. Her father lives nearby and we split custody 50/50. To sum up the reason I left, he was a controlling, narcissist who started traveling for work. He was gone M-F and then would work at home through the weekends, spending zero time with us as a family.

 

As soon as I was separated, I started dating. I know others questioned that but I had been alone for so long that it was the right choice for me. I had one relationship that I would call a "rebound" that was exhilarating. He was separated, living with a friend, and treated me with amazing respect and adoration. I had been used to being ignored and treated horribly for years. This new relationship was such a whirlwind romance. It lasted 7 months but ultimately ended as he started to question if he was really ready to divorce his wife. He had 2 young kids and started thinking of blending families and it all just got to be too much.

I never let him meet my daughter. Since he was not divorced, I always knew there was a possibility they would reconcile. I also did not want anyone meeting her without having discussed a definite future together. While he and I had discussed one, it felt more like a "fantasy" and never felt real since he had not made any concrete plans to divorce. He is now back with his wife and in counseling.

After that relationship, I met the man that I am currently with. We immediately hit it off, having every interest in common. He too is divorced, no children. We have been together now for almost 2 years. We have the best time together, enjoying each other's company, love to make the other laugh or surprise each by doing little things for each other. We support each other in everything we do. He met my daughter after about 6 months and they instantly hit it off. She adores him, always asks for him to take her places or if he can come watch her at sports. If she and I are going to an event, she'll ask if he can come too. We have talked about getting married and both agree that we want to take that step.

Now here's the problem: so we've discussed marriage, moving in together, etc. About 6 months ago, his lease was up on his apartment. He brought up moving in together since he is always at my place and thought it would be a great way to save money to put towards a house together. I told him that I was fine with it but that I thought we should "make it official" and get engaged. He agreed and was happy that I was ready to move forward with that. And then...no proposal. A month later, no proposal. Another month, no proposal.

Today, still no proposal.

So now he has moved in...and no proposal.

I know he was concerned with buying a ring. He has some lingering debts that he is working to pay off, so another reason to move in and get rid of an unnecessary lease payment. I told him that it would be easier to explain to a 10 year old that we were getting married if we had a traditional proposal/ring, etc. She still thinks of things as black and white. I brought it up again and let him know that I felt it was not a good idea to have him "moved in" without formalizing the relationship, and he agreed. But then, nothing.

I refuse to be that woman that nags her boyfriend to propose. I thought we could be adults that in our situation could discuss what we both mutually wanted and move forward. Now I am starting to think that he is fine with just living together.

I have no one to blame but myself. But I am slowing getting a little resentful, and that is a HUGE relationship killer. I am noticing my mood is getting a bit snappy and I don't know what to do. If I bring it up AGAIN, it will just be just nagging. I'm embarrassed that I put myself in this place. I should have held my ground and said NO, we are not living together until we have a formal commitment. I know it sounds stupid, but I just feel for my daughter's sake, that it's not the best situation. I can only imagine her saying, "My mom's boyfriend lives with us..."

Any advice? And sorry for being so long.

[d0nnivain]

You need to put your cards on the table. Tell him you want to get married but also share your visions on what a wedding would look like.

 

If you want a big diamond & an expensive wedding explain to him how you plan to pay for all that. It your vision is more low key, discuss that. Calmly discussing your expectations is not nagging. You are in this relationship too so you get to speak up about your needs.

 

If his vision for your future is vastly different from yours, you need to figure out what you want more -- him or a husband then behave accordingly.

[Satu]

His behaviour might indicate laziness and complacency, rather than any lack of love.

[lifesabeach]

We actually have already discussed our visions for wedding. We both agree that we do not want anything elaborate. Something simple. And he asked me awhile ago what I liked in terms of ring styles, which I told him. He liked the idea of giving a ring because his first wife did not want to wear rings. She thought it was a symbol of "ownership" and she didn't like that. So he was glad that I liked wearing rings.

I think he is procrastinating because he is already in the house. Which makes me sad because I thought he was really excited and happy to make it official. Now it feels like the momentum has died off.

[Satu]

We actually have already discussed our visions for wedding. We both agree that we do not want anything elaborate. Something simple. And he asked me awhile ago what I liked in terms of ring styles, which I told him. He liked the idea of giving a ring because his first wife did not want to wear rings. She thought it was a symbol of "ownership" and she didn't like that. So he was glad that I liked wearing rings.

*I think he is procrastinating because he is already in the house. Which makes me sad because I thought he was really excited and happy to make it official. Now it feels like the momentum has died off.

 

I think he needs a kick in the backside, but you shouldn't have to do it...

 

*Lazy and complacent.

[clia]

How long have you been living together?

[lifesabeach]

He just moved in about 5 months ago.

[RecentChange]

I don't know what the hurry is...... 2 years is still honey moon bliss for many couples.

 

What are your reasons for wanting to get married? How has this relationship progressed differently than your failed marriage (and his failed marriage)?

[clia]

He just moved in about 5 months ago.

 

Were you clear and direct that you thought the two of you should be engaged before he moved in? And that his moving in was contingent on that?

 

I'm going to assume you were, in which case I'm mad on your behalf. He's had more than enough time to get a ring and propose. Did he raise the financial side of things re: buying a ring, and if so, what was your response? (I'm also assuming you care more about getting a ring vs. an expensive ring.). At this point, he is foot dragging.

 

If it were me (), I would give him one more month -- six months. Then I would calmly and directly explain to him that I felt he had put me in a terrible position. I had made it clear to him that his moving in was contingent on getting engaged, because that was the example I wanted to set for my daughter. And he's had six months and not held up his end of the bargain. So, he needs to move out. I would give him a month to find a new place.

 

And then I would let him move out -- or step up to the plate. His choice.

 

I know you don't want to nag, but he agreed to all this (I assume???) when he moved in. Just be calm and direct. Don't beg him to propose. Don't get all emotional. Just lay it out for him.

[oldshirt]

If 50 years ago some guy asked your grandmother to move in together to save expenses and have convenient access to sex but with no marriage, no proposal, no ring, no wedding date, no solid plans etc - what would her reaction been?

 

 

Would she have been confused and unsure of how to respond?

[Standard-Fare]

Is it possible he assumes that by having those honest conversations about heading toward marriage, and seeming to agree on that goal as a condition for living together, you two are already de-facto "engaged"?

 

He might be viewing the whole ring/down on your knees thing as a silly fairytale formality for two already-divorced adults who are living together.

 

That's where my mind headed because personally, I'm thinking the marriage goal itself is FAR more important than the details of the proposal, or even whether or not an official proposal ever happens.

 

I also believe that's your best angle in pressing this topic with him. Not badgering him about why hasn't he proposed yet, but making sure you're on the same wavelength with the end goal. Like, "I'm ready to set a date. If you're not on the same page with me there, we've got a problem."

[oldshirt]

We actually have already discussed our visions for wedding. We both agree that we do not want anything elaborate. Something simple. And he asked me awhile ago what I liked in terms of ring styles, which I told him. He liked the idea of giving a ring because his first wife did not want to wear rings. She thought it was a symbol of "ownership" and she didn't like that. So he was glad that I liked wearing rings.

I think he is procrastinating because he is already in the house. Which makes me sad because I thought he was really excited and happy to make it official. Now it feels like the momentum has died off.

 

 

 

Look back through your post and read them again.

 

 

Note how many times you have said, "...He said...", "....We discussed.." etc etc

 

 

In other words there is a lot of 'talk' taking place here but not much action.

 

 

People are what they do, not what they say. He doesn't seem to be walking the walk hear.

 

 

..... and neither are you. You are getting snappy and resentful and bitter, but you aren't taking any definitive action or making a stand.

 

 

He's doing a lot of talking and you are simply accepting him at his word even though he isn't actually doing anything.

 

 

Words mean nothing. Actions mean everything.

[RecentChange]

If 50 years ago some guy asked your grandmother to move in together to save expenses and have convenient access to sex but with no marriage, no proposal, no ring, no wedding date, no solid plans etc - what would her reaction been?

 

 

Would she have been confused and unsure of how to respond?

 

I am going to be crappy and ask - 50 years ago, would a woman with a child, who in the course of 2 years got divorced, a 7 month relationship, then another relationship be receiving marriage proposals?

 

This is hardly a case of a young bride to be leaving her parents home to shack up with a suitor without a marriage proposal.

[lifesabeach]

I believe I was clear before he moved in, as was he. We were on the same page. I do think in his mind that we are already engaged. And while many may think it's silly, the formality is what I am concerned about. It's setting the right example for my daughter. What's the rush? We are in love and are right for each other and have the opportunity to show her what a respectful and loving relationship and marriage is about. She has never seen that. So part of this is about making it official versus having him just move in with us. I guess we could just have a conversation with her but that just wasn't what I envisioned happening. I guess I'm just a little sad and disappointed.

[lifesabeach]

And to be clear, if you read my posts...I was divorced 2 years ago. I started dating when we separated, which was almost 2 years prior to that. So my first 7 month relationship was not just in the last 2 years.

[Mr. Lucky]

And to be clear, if you read my posts...I was divorced 2 years ago. I started dating when we separated, which was almost 2 years prior to that. So my first 7 month relationship was not just in the last 2 years.

 

lifesabeach, not sure why you're mad at him, this is 100% on you. You told him no ring, no cohabitation. And then let him move in. I'd guess he thinks that, by your actions, you've signed off on the current status quo.

 

Just as it was when his moving truck was in your driveway, ball is in your court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Standard-Fare]

If this is really eating you up inside in the way you describe, you have no other choice to address it with your BF honestly.

 

It doesn't have to be in a whiny, nagging way of "Where's my riiiiiiing??" but more like, "We need to talk about where we're headed. Some progress markers I was counting on haven't appeared."

 

The simple fact of having this conversation inevitably kills any "romance" and surprise of a potential proposal, but I think you have to accept that you're past that point anyway.

[lifesabeach]

Yes, this is 100% on me, I agree. And I will discuss with him. I put myself in this position and take ownership for the situation. thanks for helping me think it through.

[sandylee1]

We actually have already discussed our visions for wedding. We both agree that we do not want anything elaborate. Something simple. And he asked me awhile ago what I liked in terms of ring styles, which I told him. He liked the idea of giving a ring because his first wife did not want to wear rings. She thought it was a symbol of "ownership" and she didn't like that. So he was glad that I liked wearing rings.

I think he is procrastinating because he is already in the house. Which makes me sad because I thought he was really excited and happy to make it official. Now it feels like the momentum has died off.

 

If you've gone as far as discussing the wedding and ring styles. ... maybe he's trying to save up and will then propose.

 

You've actually gone against what you said initially with regards to your daughter meeting someone without a definite future. Anyone can talk about marriage.. but he needs to follow through.

 

The problem you have now is that you get snappy because of no proposal... and he thinks.. is this what I'm going to have to deal with if I marry her .... especially if he doesn't get why your snappy. It's a vicious cycle.

 

Maybe you should say nothing more about marriage to him .... give yourself a mental timeline ....be relaxed and pleasant snd happy during that time and if you don't get a proposal. ... suggest he moves out until he is actually ready to commit as you're not comfortable the way things are.

 

This isn't an ultimatum. ... it's you calmly saying living seperately is preferable until he's sure and you in no way want him to make that commitment until he is happy to do so. You aren't ending the relationship.... just making clear what you don't want.

[Mr. Lucky]

This isn't an ultimatum. ... it's you calmly saying living seperately is preferable until he's sure and you in no way want him to make that commitment until he is happy to do so. You aren't ending the relationship.... just making clear what you don't want.

 

The issue we're all tap dancing around is this - two years of dating and 5 months of living together has provided the BF with plenty of time to pull the marriage trigger - if he wanted to.

 

So the OP has 3 choices -

 

- try and extract a proposal from him he doesn't voluntarily want to give

 

- continue as is

 

- accept he's not the partner she was looking for

 

I wouldn't recommend #1...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

We actually have already discussed our visions for wedding. We both agree that we do not want anything elaborate. Something simple. And he asked me awhile ago what I liked in terms of ring styles, which I told him. He liked the idea of giving a ring because his first wife did not want to wear rings. She thought it was a symbol of "ownership" and she didn't like that. So he was glad that I liked wearing rings.

I think he is procrastinating because he is already in the house. Which makes me sad because I thought he was really excited and happy to make it official. Now it feels like the momentum has died off.

 

Moving him into your home without a proposal was a big mistake.

 

He isn't proposing because you are giving him all the benefits of being engaged or married without him making that commitment. I'm wondering if your boyfriend only said that he would propose so that he could move in with you since it was convenient for him at that time.

 

If you just want something simple then the wedding isn't the issue. Since it's obvious that you and he are not on the same page about marriage and you understandably don't want to nag your boyfriend, it could be time to ask him to leave so that you can still have your dignity. You don't want to be here 5 years later with a live in boyfriend.

[d0nnivain]

lifesabeach

 

I think you really need to lay your cards on the table. Tell him you thought you two were on the same page about "making it official" and you were willing to wait thinking he might have had something planned for Christmas or Valentine's day but as of now you think his actions are saying he doesn't want marry you. Talk about your concerns about setting an example for your daughter & see what happens. If he doesn't propose I think you have to kick him out. If you don't then you are going to stay in this limbo & it will be your fault.

[oldshirt]

I believe I was clear before he moved in, as was he. We were on the same page. I do think in his mind that we are already engaged. And while many may think it's silly, the formality is what I am concerned about. It's setting the right example for my daughter. What's the rush? We are in love and are right for each other and have the opportunity to show her what a respectful and loving relationship and marriage is about. She has never seen that. So part of this is about making it official versus having him just move in with us. I guess we could just have a conversation with her but that just wasn't what I envisioned happening. I guess I'm just a little sad and disappointed.

 

 

 

I think this all boils down to simple naivete', gullibility and lack of viable boundaries.

 

 

Do you find yourself being taken advantage of in other areas of your life? Do people borrow things and never return them? Do they ask for tit-for-tat favors and then never give you the tat? Have you ever had someone want to buy something from you and only gave you a partial payment with the promise to make up the difference and then never did? Do you have people telling you they will do something and then never do?

 

 

Did your ex H promise you the world and tell you all the things he was going to do for you and all the greatness that he was going to achieve, but then never actually did anything?

 

 

I think you simply believed what he (your BF) was telling you and you never held him accountable for following through.

 

 

Like I said above, 50 years ago would your grandmother allow some man to move in with her, sleep with her, wash his socks and underwear without a proper proposal, ring, wedding and life-plan FIRST??????

 

 

This is one of those 'show-me-the-money' instances where you really have to make people put up or shut up. You got sweet talked. You liked what he had to say and he said what you wanted to hear but you didn't hold him accountable for his words with actual deeds.

 

 

You are showing your daughter to believe what men say and to take them at their word even though they haven't actually done anything that they said they would and have done nothing that you said needed to occur before you put out.

 

 

I agree with Mr Lucky, this is now 100% on you. You have been hoodwinked. Your options now are either live with it or not live it.

Edited April 8, 2016 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

As far as what to do about it, it's going to be a lot tougher now that he is already in the house but I think your best option is still to do what you should have done before agreeing to move in together.

 

 

Put the relationship on indefinite hold. Don't sleep with him, wash his socks or do things this with him as a couple or family unit. Ask him to leave the house and live your life as a single woman until you have a proper proposal, a proper ring, a proper life-plan and a proper wedding and are a legal husband and wife.

 

 

If he is sincere and wants to, he will do it. If he has a song and dance about why he can't or that this isn't the time or why it is not a good idea or just never seems to come up with the actual goods, then you have your answer and you'll know it was never meant to be.

 

 

 

 

A home, a family, a warm bed with a warm body are the benefits of marriage. Do not provide the benefits unless you have all the fixn's.

 

 

Our grandmothers understood this and rarely had to deal with this. There are some things you simply have to get upfront in cold, hard cash first before you hand over and this is one of them.

[veryhappy]

Would you be in the same rush to marry if it weren't for your daughter? Do you really want to be married to the guy?

 

 

Your 7 months relationship was an affair because the guy was separated, and affairs can be exhilarating. Given the lack of real, healthy relationships, how do you know this is it?

 

 

Can you afford some therapy sessions?

 

 

As far as advice goes, I'd set a date a year and a half to two years from now. I'd bring it up by saying "hey love, let's set a date for getting married". If he's extremely relived you're looking at a date far from now, or if a ring doesn't appear within two months at the most of this talk, you need to move on.

 

 

 

 

I personally believe you would be better off ending it now, but i don't think you are ready (hence my therapy suggestion). In a healthy relationship, a mature man would keep you in the loop on why there's no ring in this situation where you had very specific discussions and demands. Your best case scenario is that he can't afford a ring and doesn't talk about it because he's ashamed. But in that case, do you really want him in more debt for a ring?