Yes, they're doing it...

[Gloria25]

Ok, I was reading a lot of the threads where some OW/OM are sorta "surprised" when they see their WS posting pics on social media with their BS, spending time with BS, etc.

 

Well, actually, I was listening to an old podcast months back and this topic came up...

 

Fact is, the WS - as we speak - is:

 

-Having sex with the BS

-Kissing the BS

-Planning a future with the BS

-Gets up every morning and tells BS "ILY"

-Cuddles up next to BS every night

-Spends money on BS

-Is on the couch hugging BS

-Is on vacation with BS

-Is telling family, friends, etc. how much they love BS and the life they have together

 

So, these facts may hurt - but they're facts. No WS is gonna stop having sex, treating well, etc. the BS just cuz they are in an affair.

 

Maybe acceptance of these facts would end a lot of pain to a OM/OW and/or bring the OW/OM to the realization of the hurt that he/she is setting himself/herself up for by starting and/or continuing an affair.

[Gloria25]

Oh, and even if the WS and BS hit a rough patch....

 

Guess what?

 

At some point they're gonna make up and/or do stuff...

 

Like if the sex stopped, trust me, one nite they're gonna do it.

 

If they weren't treating each other right, one day they're gonna go out to dinner and work on the RL.

 

So, even "if" their marriage has turned sour and/or they're "roommates" - trust me, they are gonna have sex and/or do stuff together that's gonna make your skin curlllll at some point.

 

My FWB, I guess his BS could sense he was getting some and offered him oral sex (something she hates). He said he couldn't get into it cuz he just wasn't feeling it for her and hated how she cut her hair short. I don't think he was lying, but wonder why he thought I would be interested in knowing this?

[OneLov]

I agree with what you're saying, but I think you're underestimating the power of self-deception.

[cocorico]

Ok, I was reading a lot of the threads where some OW/OM are sorta "surprised" when they see their WS posting pics on social media with their BS, spending time with BS, etc.

 

Well, actually, I was listening to an old podcast months back and this topic came up...

 

Fact is, the WS - as we speak - is:

 

-Having sex with the BS

-Kissing the BS

-Planning a future with the BS

-Gets up every morning and tells BS "ILY"

-Cuddles up next to BS every night

-Spends money on BS

-Is on the couch hugging BS

-Is on vacation with BS

-Is telling family, friends, etc. how much they love BS and the life they have together

 

So, these facts may hurt - but they're facts. No WS is gonna stop having sex, treating well, etc. the BS just cuz they are in an affair.

 

Maybe acceptance of these facts would end a lot of pain to a OM/OW and/or bring the OW/OM to the realization of the hurt that he/she is setting himself/herself up for by starting and/or continuing an affair.

 

 

While you may be correct in many cases, you are obviously not correct in all. (Yes, it did have to be said. Whenever someone makes sweeping statements claiming to know everything about everyone else's R, bull**** detectors everywhere go off and it becomes just too easy to discount anything that might be of value in such a post because of the obvious hyperbole.)

 

That said, never believe anything from anyone that you cannot verify independently - whether that is your MM claiming to live like roommates with the BW, or some random on the web who knows nothing about you, your MM or your R telling you " of course he loves her...". Unless you have independent evidence you can verify, it's all just spurious claims (at best). If you want to know, if it matters to you - find out. From reliable sources - which means, not an interested party who has something to gain either way. And if the nature of the evidence is such that you can't get it ( or cat get it easily) then accept that you have to live with the possibility that you wouldn't like the answer.

 

Some MM do " live like roommates". Some are separated in all but name. Some are being sexually exclusive with their OW. But unless you have solid evidence that yours is one, it's safest to assume he may not be. And act accordingly, whatever that may mean in your situation.

[PegNosePete]

The AP is upset? Here is the world's smallest violin playing for the AP: .

 

Sorry I have no sympathy. If you don't like it then don't have affairs with married people.

 

It's a self-inflicted problem and you are reaping what you have sown.

Edited April 7, 2016 by PegNosePete

[2.50 a gallon]

It never bothered me that they were still having sex with their husbands or BFs. What was important was that they were having kinky sex with me

[heartwhole]

I am a BW, not an OW, but I have noted with interest how universal the idea that the marriage is bad, so therefore the affair is OK, is. I am not knocking the women who find themselves in that position, just trying to understand it.

 

You see various statements along these lines:

*they are roommates, sleep separately, never have sex

*the BW doesn't understand him or tries to control him

*they married young, he never loved her

*what we have is special

*he would never lie to me

*he wants to be with me and will leave his marriage after X happens

*the BW must know their marriage is terrible, so it's kind of her fault if her husband cheats on her

 

I think the vast majority of OW are good(ish) people, just like the vast majority of MM are. Yes, there are predators and psychopaths on both sides, but most of the affairs I read about here seem to be exclusive (except for the whole being married to someone else part) relationships with genuine affection and some level of commitment and honesty. So you're this goodish OW, of course you do not want to think that you are actually just having a sordid affair with some cake-eater who's got a sweet, unsuspecting wife at home. You wouldn't have signed up for that. You signed up for "This is exciting and I think we're soul mates and I'm meeting the needs his wife refuses to meet and maybe we'll have happily ever after."

 

I would encourage anyone in this sort of affair to ask yourself, OK, so maybe the no sex, distant wife thing makes this OK in your book, but does it make it good for you? And if, as is likely the case, it turns out that the BW is also goodish and their marriage is goodish and the MM is just sticking his head in the sand and screwing things up royally for him, the BW, and you, how are you going to feel then? Because that's where these things almost always end. So much needless hurt for all involved.

 

I'll never know for sure, but I'm pretty sure OW tried to orchestrate a DD by FaceTiming on a weekend afternoon (they only talked during the week). Looking back, I noticed that WH had stopped posting any pictures of me during the affair, so she probably thought, "Great, no pictures, obviously their marriage is dead." I'm not a FB braggart so I was only posting pics of our kids. But right before DD a few people tagged happy family photos of us. He and I also went away to the Caribbean for a week right before that. I have to imagine the cognitive dissonance was panicking her and she decided to put things to a test. And fine, I don't really blame her. I would never want to live a lie so I'm glad I found out. But I can't imagine she would do that if she didn't believe she had a chance. Maybe she thought, oh, he's just stuck with her due to inertia, but if she knows he's cheating on her, then she'll want out of her loveless sham marriage and we can move on to the happily ever after part. Only it wasn't loveless or a sham.

 

It's also human nature to want a return on your investment. Of course this applies to MM and BW who have put in decades and have a lot to lose if their life together falls apart, but I'm sure it applies to the OW too. She thinks, ugh, I'm starting to think that maybe this affair was a mistake, he's obviously never going to leave, I've been played . . . but then she quiets those fears with the idea that maybe if they really connect on their next getaway, maybe if she just hangs on a little longer, then her investment will pay off. She doesn't want to give so much emotional energy and time just to get dumped and branded with a Scarlet A. But if he leaves his wife and legitimizes their relationship, it would sanctify it somehow, maybe. And probably on some level it's hard not to feel competitive and like that would be some kind of ultimate prize, to be worth breaking up a family over. Not that she wants to be a reason a family broke up, but remember, the mean controlling wife never gave her husband sex anyway, so it's the wife's fault . . .

 

And this takes me back to my main question: Even if the state of their marriage is not goodish, is this relationship good for you?

[dichotomy]

I never know whether the line to AP "my spouse does not have sex with me" is ever really trues. Seems like oldest line in the book.

 

However I have always been kind of grossed out to think that fluids are being exchanged (possibly same day or next day) between the married couple and the AP. Your putting your mouth where someone else had their XXX'ing recently. You going to kiss that mouth ? Yuck:sick:.

 

If I ever had an affair (and I never have or plan too), I think I would actually not have sex with my wife within days - because I would feel bad with her being where the other woman was.... I dunno maybe thats just me that has nightmares about this kind of stuff..

Edited April 7, 2016 by dichotomy

[heartwhole]

I never know whether the line to AP "my spouse does not have sex with me" is ever really trues. Seems like oldest line in the book.

 

However I have always been kind of grossed out to think that fluids are being exchanged (possibly same day or next day) between the married couple and the AP. Your putting your mouth where someone else had their XXX'ing recently. You going to kiss that mouth ? Yuck:sick:.

 

If I ever had an affair (and I never have or plan too), I think I would actually not have sex with my wife within days - because I would feel bad with her being where the other woman was.... I dunno maybe thats just me that has nightmares about this kind of stuff..

 

And this is a serious violation of the unsuspecting spouse's personal autonomy that I note is not often discussed when debating the morality of one's actions. I have a right to know what I am exposing my body to. That right was taken from me when my husband had sex with someone else without my knowledge and then, of course, still had sex with me. The OW convinces herself that they couldn't be having sex because she doesn't want to be a party to that type of abuse of an innocent victim.

[ladydesigner]

And this is a serious violation of the unsuspecting spouse's personal autonomy that I note is not often discussed when debating the morality of one's actions. I have a right to know what I am exposing my body to. That right was taken from me when my husband had sex with someone else without my knowledge and then, of course, still had sex with me. The OW convinces herself that they couldn't be having sex because she doesn't want to be a party to that type of abuse of an innocent victim.

 

Totally at one point in my WH's A with MOW he gave me an STD (curable thank god). He actually asked me if I was having an A?

 

After my False R I talked with MOW and it turns out my WH convinced her it was me who gave him the STD you cannot make this shyte up.

[Gloria25]

Totally at one point in my WH's A with MOW he gave me an STD (curable thank god). He actually asked me if I was having an A?

 

After my False R I talked with MOW and it turns out my WH convinced her it was me who gave him the STD you cannot make this shyte up.

 

LOL!!!

 

I'm sorry, but these guys are jerks. Ever wonder how they keep all their stories straight.

 

Comical, comical:lmao:

[deckard11]

What the heck do all these terms mean anyways? BS? WS? etc.

[dichotomy]

What the heck do all these terms mean anyways? BS? WS? etc.

 

 

BS= Betrayed Spouse

WS = Wayward Spouse (cheater)

AP= Affair Partner

OW = Other Woman

OM = Other man.

[cocorico]

I never know whether the line to AP "my spouse does not have sex with me" is ever really trues. Seems like oldest line in the book.

 

Was true in our case, and some others I've read on here. Some guys - just like some women - can't face sex with someone they're not in love with / attracted to / passionate about, and during the A all that love / attraction/ passion gets focused on the AP (in those cases. Obviously other cases are different. Some guys, like some women, are better at compartmentalising than others).

 

Some Ms truly are sexless (or have become so).

 

Some WS deny the "bad" BS sex as part of the demonising that kind of WS needs to do to enable that kind of WS to have an A.

 

There are many reasons. It happens. Not to everyone, of course. But it happens.

 

However I have always been kind of grossed out to think that fluids are being exchanged (possibly same day or next day) between the married couple and the AP. Your putting your mouth where someone else had their XXX'ing recently. You going to kiss that mouth ? Yuck:sick:.

 

If I ever had an affair (and I never have or plan too), I think I would actually not have sex with my wife within days - because I would feel bad with her being where the other woman was.... I dunno maybe thats just me that has nightmares about this kind of stuff..

 

You're far from alone in that thinking. I think men are particularly grossed out at the thought of "sloppy seconds" because of the biology involved.

[ladydesigner]

Was true in our case, and some others I've read on here. Some guys - just like some women - can't face sex with someone they're not in love with / attracted to / passionate about, and during the A all that love / attraction/ passion gets focused on the AP (in those cases. Obviously other cases are different. Some guys, like some women, are better at compartmentalising than others).

 

Some Ms truly are sexless (or have become so).

 

Some WS deny the "bad" BS sex as part of the demonising that kind of WS needs to do to enable that kind of WS to have an A.

 

There are many reasons. It happens. Not to everyone, of course. But it happens.

 

 

 

You're far from alone in that thinking. I think men are particularly grossed out at the thought of "sloppy seconds" because of the biology involved.

 

So true I think this is why many men who are BS's cannot handle R and go straight to D after discovering their WW's A. Women seem to be more forgiving of this. It must be biological.

[Got it]

Aww, broad brushing. American's favorite past time.

 

Let's not talk in absolutes as we all know they are never always true.