***Does that Hollywood "Spark" Ever Really Happen?***

[Dis]

I've started dating again, I've gone out on dates with 4 different guys in the past 3 weeks. I'm not rushing into anything in order to be sure I'm being choosey, cautious and listening to my gut. The first 3 guys I went out with were put in the friend zone as there wasnt a strong physical attraction and they didnt have that masculine presence I like. The last guy I went out with seems different than the others, I actually like him and think there could be something there....however I didnt feel that spark.

 

I have dated and been in relationships with guys where the spark was there from the get go. But I'm beginning to think that spark wasnt a good thing at all!!! Those guys were either douche bags, or love bombers. I think that spark is really just lust or infatuation. How can you really feel that pull towards someone you dont even know???

 

Dont get me wrong, I did feel attracted and drawn to the last guy I went out with but fireworks didnt go off. We did kiss at the end of the night. I liked that he went for it. I need a guy to make that move. I'm glad he did. He asked me out again for this Friday night. I said yes.

 

I'm beginning to think that spark develops over time. My ex of 2 and a half years didnt really give me that spark. But we did end up going back to my place and we made out (only kissing, I wont have sex with a guy until we're in a serious relationship) so I did feel a spark with him because of that. I feel like I really need to feel a physical connection in order to feel that pull. But I've learned not to take things that fast. So until I get that physical BOOM type of thing, how do I know if it works with a guy??? Was I right to tell this guy I'd go out with him even though there werent massive fireworks going off?

[spriggan2]

The "sparks" I've experienced (2) were not love, but they were pure magic, arresting, intoxicating and magnificent, I wouldn't ask for anything more. In one case it lead to love, but we didn't work out.

 

I don't take sparks as a sign that I've found the one, or a soul mate, or that we're meant to be, just a burst of attraction so intense that it destabilizes you.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I don't take sparks as a sign that I've found the one, or a soul mate, or that we're meant to be, just a burst of attraction so intense that it destabilizes you.

That's what I think too. A great relationship might start out that way, or maybe that's all there is to it.

[Blanco]

The only one of my exes who I felt that immediate "spark" with wound up being the other half of the most toxic relationship I've ever been in.

 

I don't think a spark is a precursor for true, ever-lasting love, but I don't think it's necessarily associated with high-drama, addictive relationships, either. I do think that feeling that initial spark can make it harder to acknowledge or even see potential red flags early in the going.

[Ami1uwant]

Can spark happen...sure but it could be based on pure attraction/looks

 

There is something else....there is instant chemistry that isn't so much driven by looks/attraction but the two people clicking.

 

I think many watch to many movies thinking you need this instantaneously .

[len51]

It exists. I met my wife on a train and three weeks later we were engage. Even though she was a virgin, all other types of sex were in play. I had a lot of experience with sex and women but knew this was the one. I could not get enough of her. We are now married over 40 years.

[Leigh 87]

It exists.

 

 

But like others have said, it is not a good indicator that this person with whom you share the divine"spark" with is relationship material or your "sole mate".

 

 

I DO need the spark, as for me personally, when I do meet a guy I am compatible with, the degree/whether or not/ I felt a "spark" drives how deeply and intensely I can fall for him and love him.

 

 

Simply put, without the initial fireworks, even the most compatible men with whom I DO find attractive enough to fool around and enjoy sex with - are NEVER going to be men that I fall hard for and feel deep or passionate emotions for....

 

 

I need the spark and compatibility but I DO NOT recommend that all women hold out for it. Most will not get both, although what you are describing with this recent guy who you are attracted to yet lack the fireworks with, is how MOST HAPPY COUPLES start out! So well done, you are actually on a healthier and more successful path than you would be wit the sky illuminating fireworks inducing men!

 

 

I have had the spark, instantaneously, with lets see... 1, 2 3 4 5.... LOL...Between 5 to 10 times.

 

 

If depends how intuitive you are really. There are different "types" of sparks that I have personally been able to tap into and differentiate between:

 

 

- The " hard to get" player vibe orientated spark. Guy is initially into you but you are not compatible personality wise despite the initial playful banter that makes it seem like you have something.

 

 

They may or may not be a player or "bad boy" but they are definitely not the type to want a relationship and you derive a thrill from thinking you are the one to change them...These are often funny, easy going and free spirited men who turn "good for you" or so it seems. Happened to me once. We both thought it could be the real deal until we actually had to spend a few days together; we just didn't click in the way we had felt could be possible initially. Our dalliance came down to attraction, my draw to his fun banter, his Irish accent and getting some emotions out of an otherwise emotionally vacant seeming man.

 

 

- The " they are off limits" spark. Not a player, but they are either not compatible with you in terms of your personality or life goals, or they are actually mentally unable to fall in love of any substance, due to genuine mental problems (this happened to be once).

 

but in general, anyone who you feel strong chemistry with yet who is off limits - often results in you wanting him even more!

I had this with a neighbour. We sparked immediately, and had strong chemistry. We were intrigued, attracted and drawn to each other like magnets. Yet he was emotionally unavailable due to his recent marriage breakdown (wife screwed her DEAD best friends bereaved hubby) and divorced him. He was also casually seeing a girl when he first met me and made out like it was casual and he didn't really owe her anything. Him living there, our outrageously and acknowledged mutual chemistry and the fact that MY HOT NEIGHBOUR was OFF LIMITS obviously caused a very tempting situation for me, I am ashamed to admit. Although I would never have even entertained that thought had he been in an actual relationship (he was only seeing the girl casually in his words and even then we both felt bad after we slept together and stopped for months).

 

 

Anyway, it turned out that we were totally incompatible this stage of our lives and he did not feel strongly enough for me, ultimately.

 

 

*There were 2 others who I shared fairly immediate chemistry with and got along well with yet we just did not "click" enough or we were incompatible outside of the bedroom.*

 

 

True chemistry based on more than the chemicals: I have only ever felt this twice in my life; once at age 17 and the other this year....

 

 

^^ THIS is REAL chemistry, when you not only feel it in your bones when you first meet, but also when you truly seem to "click" enough with them to spend a prolonged time around and even enter into a relationship with.

 

 

.....................................................

 

 

The biggest lesson regarding "sparks" I have learnt from getting about a bit and dating a lot of men?

 

 

Chemistry is NOT enough! The guy has to actually WANT to be with you!

 

 

SOOO Many people, myself included, have fallen into the whole " but we were so into each other" thing where a month later " oh dear, we just do not click, what happened it felt so right".

 

 

LOL.

[PegNosePete]

I'm beginning to think that spark develops over time.

Agree, I've never felt a spark with someone until I know them, know their personality and character, like them, and want to spend time with them. It's hard to know that until at least 3 or 4 dates in. I never understand people who won't go on a 2nd date because there's "no spark" (unless that's just an excuse for don't like you). I think if you wait for a "spark" on the first date then you'll be throwing away a lot of decent people and potentially great relationships.

[Dis]

It exists.

 

 

But like others have said, it is not a good indicator that this person with whom you share the divine"spark" with is relationship material or your "sole mate".

 

 

I DO need the spark, as for me personally, when I do meet a guy I am compatible with, the degree/whether or not/ I felt a "spark" drives how deeply and intensely I can fall for him and love him.

 

 

Simply put, without the initial fireworks, even the most compatible men with whom I DO find attractive enough to fool around and enjoy sex with - are NEVER going to be men that I fall hard for and feel deep or passionate emotions for....

 

 

I need the spark and compatibility but I DO NOT recommend that all women hold out for it. Most will not get both, although what you are describing with this recent guy who you are attracted to yet lack the fireworks with, is how MOST HAPPY COUPLES start out! So well done, you are actually on a healthier and more successful path than you would be wit the sky illuminating fireworks inducing men!

 

 

I have had the spark, instantaneously, with lets see... 1, 2 3 4 5.... LOL...Between 5 to 10 times.

 

 

If depends how intuitive you are really. There are different "types" of sparks that I have personally been able to tap into and differentiate between:

 

 

- The " hard to get" player vibe orientated spark. Guy is initially into you but you are not compatible personality wise despite the initial playful banter that makes it seem like you have something.

 

 

They may or may not be a player or "bad boy" but they are definitely not the type to want a relationship and you derive a thrill from thinking you are the one to change them...These are often funny, easy going and free spirited men who turn "good for you" or so it seems. Happened to me once. We both thought it could be the real deal until we actually had to spend a few days together; we just didn't click in the way we had felt could be possible initially. Our dalliance came down to attraction, my draw to his fun banter, his Irish accent and getting some emotions out of an otherwise emotionally vacant seeming man.

 

 

- The " they are off limits" spark. Not a player, but they are either not compatible with you in terms of your personality or life goals, or they are actually mentally unable to fall in love of any substance, due to genuine mental problems (this happened to be once).

 

but in general, anyone who you feel strong chemistry with yet who is off limits - often results in you wanting him even more!

I had this with a neighbour. We sparked immediately, and had strong chemistry. We were intrigued, attracted and drawn to each other like magnets. Yet he was emotionally unavailable due to his recent marriage breakdown (wife screwed her DEAD best friends bereaved hubby) and divorced him. He was also casually seeing a girl when he first met me and made out like it was casual and he didn't really owe her anything. Him living there, our outrageously and acknowledged mutual chemistry and the fact that MY HOT NEIGHBOUR was OFF LIMITS obviously caused a very tempting situation for me, I am ashamed to admit. Although I would never have even entertained that thought had he been in an actual relationship (he was only seeing the girl casually in his words and even then we both felt bad after we slept together and stopped for months).

 

 

Anyway, it turned out that we were totally incompatible this stage of our lives and he did not feel strongly enough for me, ultimately.

 

 

*There were 2 others who I shared fairly immediate chemistry with and got along well with yet we just did not "click" enough or we were incompatible outside of the bedroom.*

 

 

True chemistry based on more than the chemicals: I have only ever felt this twice in my life; once at age 17 and the other this year....

 

 

^^ THIS is REAL chemistry, when you not only feel it in your bones when you first meet, but also when you truly seem to "click" enough with them to spend a prolonged time around and even enter into a relationship with.

 

 

.....................................................

 

 

The biggest lesson regarding "sparks" I have learnt from getting about a bit and dating a lot of men?

 

 

Chemistry is NOT enough! The guy has to actually WANT to be with you!

 

 

SOOO Many people, myself included, have fallen into the whole " but we were so into each other" thing where a month later " oh dear, we just do not click, what happened it felt so right".

 

 

LOL.

 

Wow great insight! Thank you!!! I understand what you mean about the reasons behind that "spark" as all the guys I've dated who made me feel it in my bones were not healthy guys to have a relationship with. I did enter into a relationship with one of them, only to get abruptly burned shortly after.

 

Thank you for letting me know I'm going about dating with a healthy approach. Dating is just SO confusing! I'm online dating so that makes it worse. Sometimes I think I couldnt spot the right guy if he was standing right in front of me so I feel like I kind of need a sign to let me know I'm on the right track with a guy. (Hence the question about the "spark". I guess the whole purpose for posting is to get some clarity so I dont pass up the right guy, or fall for the wrong one.

[Dis]

Agree, I've never felt a spark with someone until I know them, know their personality and character, like them, and want to spend time with them. It's hard to know that until at least 3 or 4 dates in. I never understand people who won't go on a 2nd date because there's "no spark" (unless that's just an excuse for don't like you). I think if you wait for a "spark" on the first date then you'll be throwing away a lot of decent people and potentially great relationships.

 

Hmmm yes I agree with you. But a part of me likes that rush, so I'm alittle afraid I'll get bored if I dont feel it. I'm really trying to have a different perspective on dating now. I dont want to throw a guy away just because I dont get a spark from him, but on the other hand I do need that chemistry. Maybe after my date with this guy tomorrow night I'll have more clarity on that.

[d0nnivain]

I guess it depends on what you mean by spark. I have gotten a spark a few times. Intellectually I know it's nothing more then lust but I also learned if there wasn't at least a bit of yearning on my part from the outset there was no sense in wasting time going out with the guy because I was never going to want to kiss him later. It was either there or it wasn't. Just because it was there did not make the guy anything other then physically appealing; the spark was never a measure of his character, integrity, sense of humor or intellect. Those took time to investigate & were need for a LTR.

[Dis]

I guess it depends on what you mean by spark. I have gotten a spark a few times. Intellectually I know it's nothing more then lust but I also learned if there wasn't at least a bit of yearning on my part from the outset there was no sense in wasting time going out with the guy because I was never going to want to kiss him later. It was either there or it wasn't. Just because it was there did not make the guy anything other then physically appealing; the spark was never a measure of his character, integrity, sense of humor or intellect. Those took time to investigate & were need for a LTR.

 

Hmmm YES! Thank you! I need to at least feel some type of pull towards that person. I did with this guy. He was sitting next to me at the bar we met at and I felt like I wanted him to come closer. And although I've learned not to get invested too quickly I could picture him being affectionate, close and intimate with me later down the road. If I cant at least picture that happening with a guy its an automatic no. Ok thank you for that! That clarified things

[Gloria25]

IMO, the "spark" is "chemistry"...it's intangible. Either it's there or not.

 

I've spent dates where I tried to develop the chemistry, but it simply isn't there.

 

Like just the other day I was comparing guys and I was trying to see "what" is it about this guy vs the other where immediately I know I'd get with him. I don't know, it's either there or not.

 

That's why on OLD I push to meet in person as soon as possible. Not playing the e-mail, texting, phone game for weeks on end only to find out he was "good on paper" and no sparks were there.

[Dis]

IMO, the "spark" is "chemistry"...it's intangible. Either it's there or not.

 

I've spent dates where I tried to develop the chemistry, but it simply isn't there.

 

Like just the other day I was comparing guys and I was trying to see "what" is it about this guy vs the other where immediately I know I'd get with him. I don't know, it's either there or not.

 

That's why on OLD I push to meet in person as soon as possible. Not playing the e-mail, texting, phone game for weeks on end only to find out he was "good on paper" and no sparks were there.

 

Oh god I am overthinking this! I THINK I did feel a pull towards his, but I dont think I felt a spark. S**t. Ok well I'll have to wait and see tomorrow night.

 

And I agree with you, its either there or its not. But in this rare case, I'm really not sure if it was there...ahhh

[Gloria25]

Oh god I am overthinking this! I THINK I did feel a pull towards his, but I dont think I felt a spark. S**t. Ok well I'll have to wait and see tomorrow night.

 

And I agree with you, its either there or its not. But in this rare case, I'm really not sure if it was there...ahhh

 

Yeah, trust me, you'll know it when it happens....

 

Reminds me of my first orgasms...I wasn't sure if it was this or that till it happened and once it happened a few more times, I sure know when it happened, when it is/was coming on, happened, etc.

 

Unlike you, I don't do a 2nd date if I don't feel it. Shoot, if I'm not feeling it, I usually won't even finish my first drink/coffee and especially won't order another.

[Dis]

Yeah, trust me, you'll know it when it happens....

 

Reminds me of my first orgasms...I wasn't sure if it was this or that till it happened and once it happened a few more times, I sure know when it happened, when it is/was coming on, happened, etc.

 

Unlike you, I don't do a 2nd date if I don't feel it. Shoot, if I'm not feeling it, I usually won't even finish my first drink/coffee and especially won't order another.

 

No I def get what your saying. The other 3 guys I dated, I knew that spark def was NOT there so I didnt bother going out with them again. This one though, I have no idea. I think it might be there, I think it might not. I'm going to give him one more shot.

[mortensorchid]

I believe IT exists. But you must not confuse the spark of lust with that of love. Lust is hard and fast, love is something that blossoms and blooms. People say "you will just know" if and when it happens to you. And all I can say is that it has not happened to you yet. It has not happened to me, but others tell me it can and does. Why would they lie to me or anyone else about that?

[Dis]

I believe IT exists. But you must not confuse the spark of lust with that of love. Lust is hard and fast, love is something that blossoms and blooms. People say "you will just know" if and when it happens to you. And all I can say is that it has not happened to you yet. It has not happened to me, but others tell me it can and does. Why would they lie to me or anyone else about that?

 

So are you saying not even the spark of love has happened here even though it is something that blossoms and blooms? (Slow progessing) I did feel a pull towards him, so maybe that means the spark of love could develop. What do you think?

[Dis]

I once heard a lyric that went something like this, Give me something that wil haunt me when your not around. I can relate to this. I need to be able to dream about a guy.

 

He didnt really give me that. Ugh maybe tomorrow night will be a bust

[RecentChange]

We had crazy sparks / fire works / chemistry whatever you want to call it when we met. Sex ( on the secind date) was off the charts - 15 years later we are still together

[Dis]

We had crazy sparks / fire works / chemistry whatever you want to call it when we met. Sex ( on the secind date) was off the charts - 15 years later we are still together

 

Ok I'm becoming more and more discourgaged. Maybe its not going to work with this guy

[Emilia]

People are different, you can't expect to have the same experiences. People also have the tendency to look back on the past with rose-tinted glasses.

 

The reason why the guys turned out to be douche bags is that what you consider a spark is in fact the guy's obvious attraction, his flattering you, his promises. Men who are very practiced and good at this are often players.

 

The key is patience and participation. Learn to bring sexiness out in a quieter guy you fancy. Don't expect him to do all the work because you won't get a decent one. Build it over several dates.

 

With online dating people are so impatient, they don't know the person they are dismissing at all.

[Dis]

People are different, you can't expect to have the same experiences. People also have the tendency to look back on the past with rose-tinted glasses.

 

The reason why the guys turned out to be douche bags is that what you consider a spark is in fact the guy's obvious attraction, his flattering you, his promises. Men who are very practiced and good at this are often players.

 

The key is patience and participation. Learn to bring sexiness out in a quieter guy you fancy. Don't expect him to do all the work because you won't get a decent one. Build it over several dates.

 

With online dating people are so impatient, they don't know the person they are dismissing at all.

 

Thank you for that. Needed to hear that. I'll keep an open mind tomorrow night. Yes, online dating requires alot of paitence and effort. I'm willing to put in both. I have no reason to dismiss him just because he takes things slower and because that spark wasnt there. Who knows, he could turn out to be a great guy for me, if not I'll keep it moving...but I at least need to give him a chance.

[d0nnivain]

So are you saying not even the spark of love has happened here even though it is something that blossoms and blooms? (Slow progessing) I did feel a pull towards him, so maybe that means the spark of love could develop. What do you think?

 

 

If you didn't feel utter disgust. . . as in I think I'd barf if this guy stuck his tongue down my throat . . . go for the 2nd date. You are confused. Only time will resolve that mystery.

 

 

 

 

 

Ok I'm becoming more and more discourgaged. Maybe its not going to work with this guy

 

 

You don't know that yet. You went on 1 measly date. The only thing 1 date should tell you is whether you want to kiss him and/or go on a 2nd date. For the 1st month, a few days is the farthest into the future you should be looking. For the 1st 6 months, look no further then the month ahead, although around Thanksgiving it's OK to wonder if you might have a date for New Year's Eve. But do not start planning your wedding or thinking about what to name your kids.

 

I have no reason to dismiss him just because he takes things slower and because that spark wasnt there. Who knows, he could turn out to be a great guy for me, if not I'll keep it moving...but I at least need to give him a chance.

 

 

My husband was the slowest moving guy I ever met. We didn't even kiss until our 3rd date. I was frustrated & off balance because from my end the initial chemistry was off the charts. I concluded he didn't feel the same. I wore a short tight skirt on that 3rd date & had been fully prepared to dump him if he hadn't kissed me that night (or given me the opportunity to kiss him, which also hadn't been present on the 1st two dates). Heck, the night we met I had been annoyed that he didn't kiss my cheek goodnight.

 

 

So especially if your prior relationships escalated to physical quickly & started hot & heavy, perhaps this guys more sedate pace is just what you need.

 

 

Try to relax & go with the flow. Overthinking this will kill it for sure.

[Gaeta]

Ok I'm becoming more and more discourgaged. Maybe its not going to work with this guy

 

I met my boyfriend when I stopped looking for a spark.

 

Sure 1 in a million will meet a man, feel the spark and it will last for life, but it's not the ONLY way to fall in love. You also have all those people waiting for a spark that never happens and are old and alone because they wouldn't explore other possibilities.

 

When I met my boyfriend there was no spark on my end. I went on 3 dates before a little light went off in my head saying <I want to see this man again>. As we kept seeing each other and he showed me his different facets, I've discovered the masculine and protective man I was looking for. Each time we had a date I was < wow really!>. None of this I had seen on our first date.

 

Fast forward, I am crazy about my boyfriend and very much in love but never went through the spark or the butterfly phase.

 

So, put down the fairy tale book and take time to get to know that man and his different facets. He might be the one you've been waiting for.