***Does that Hollywood "Spark" Ever Really Happen?***

[Jejangles]

I met my boyfriend when I stopped looking for a spark.

 

Sure 1 in a million will meet a man, feel the spark and it will last for life, but it's not the ONLY way to fall in love. You also have all those people waiting for a spark that never happens and are old and alone because they wouldn't explore other possibilities.

 

Gaeta and I are in a similar circumstance. I met my now boyfriend and felt no spark or physical attraction till quite a few dates in. In fact, the first time he kissed me, I wasn't sure I felt much of anything. But from date 1 I could see what a great person he was, and how many common interests we had, and that he was a real catch. And I always thought he was cute, just wasn't sure if I felt that attraction.

 

Then on date 5 or so he held my hand during a movie and sparks exploded, and from then till now (3 months in), the sparks have just kept building. And the physical side of our relationship is the best I have had so far in my life, which I never could have predicted on our first few dates.

 

There's no guarantees this will happen with any given guy. I dated a guy under similar circumstances last summer, where I could see he was a great person and kept dating him but nothing sparky ever materialised between us... When we finally kissed, it was clear he wasn't right for me.

 

People are different, but in the past I too would have said if I didn't feel anything on date 1, I wouldn't feel anything later. But I was wrong. If I had stuck to that belief, I would have missed out on the best and most promising relationship I have had.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta and I are in a similar circumstance. I met my now boyfriend and felt no spark or physical attraction till quite a few dates in. In fact, the first time he kissed me, I wasn't sure I felt much of anything. But from date 1 I could see what a great person he was, and how many common interests we had, and that he was a real catch. And I always thought he was cute, just wasn't sure if I felt that attraction.

 

Then on date 5 or so he held my hand during a movie and sparks exploded, and from then till now (3 months in), the sparks have just kept building. And the physical side of our relationship is the best I have had so far in my life, which I never could have predicted on our first few dates.

 

And I bet your relationship is evolving and getting better by the moment?

 

The relationships I entered on a spark had the same pattern. We got the strong physical attraction, sexual chemistry, but not much else. After 1-2 months of wild-monkey-sex there was still nothing much to build on. I noticed also that I complained a lot about those relationships (my history on here as proof lol) I was always a little unsatisfied inside, I didn't see him enough, he didn't communicate good enough, etc.

 

With my current relationship it started on mutual respect instead of on a spark. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, zero! after 4 + months of dating he is still perfect in every way and each day I grow more respect for him. He's the same sweet man I met 4 months ago!

[jbp005]

As a guy I've been doing the online dating thing quite a bit the last year. From my perspective it's a lot of effort.

 

I've had an instance where I really clicked with someone right off the bat but wasn't that immediate physical attraction. We dated for 4 months until religious views became a deal-breaker, going great except for that. I met another woman about 2 months ago, extremely attracted to her physically, dated for a month or so but wasn't anything else there.

 

It's hard to find those that you feel an instant connection with.

[kismetkismet]

They definitely do exist, but i don't think that a spark is proof that dating them is a good idea, or that an intense spark right off the bat is necessary for a healthy relationship. "sparks" can develop overtime and I imagine can lead to good relationships. Most of my relationships were the result of a very slowly developing spark and they were alright. I have to admit that my current boyfriend who I intend to marry I did feel an initial gut wrenching spark from the beginning, and it's the best and healthiest/most stable relationship I've ever been in.But just because that's been my experience doesn't mean it's true every time.

 

I usually give it a couple months to see if one develops if you're not totally sure. You need a spark AND compatibility emotionally, physically, and mentally. You can't just have one or the other, but you also can't be sure of either when you've only just met someone in my opinion.

[preraph]

If you're wanting to feel a spark, the spark is of your own making in many instances. Once in a blue moon you will meet someone with whom you have a great rapport with, easy to talk to, exciting, or maybe you're both romantic and on the same page. But you have to be careful because it's really easy to think a guy is feeling a spark when he's just enjoying sex or the pursuit thereof. One old BF of mine was in love with everyone he slept with but only while he was having sex. Sex made him feel the spark, but it didn't make him want to keep seeing most of those women. He just loved sex and it seemed like he loved them because he seemed so sincere in bed.

 

If a real good rapport or spark ever happens to you, it will be going both ways and you won't have to wonder if it's there. It's really more about having some communication styles in common and I think it's also about having a romantic reference point in common. You know, like a certain romantic style. It isn't something that happens often. And just because you have it doesn't mean you can live with the person.

[soph-walker]

Great thread! Good to read everyone's PoV.

 

What do you class as a spark? Is it a pure physical attraction? Is it a feeling? A mental connection? A desire to be in someone's company and never leave?

 

 

 

I'm finding with OLD, it's hard to assess whether there's a spark as there are so many varying factors at work...it's different to 'organic' dating and I've totally changed the way I date because of it.

 

I don't expect to have a spark with a guy if we meet once or twice if we have met via OLD, I like to take my time a little and get to know him and let him loosen up and show me who he is as a person.

[Woggle]

Spark and chemistry does happen but don't use Hollywood as a measuring stick. Movies are not real.

[lana-banana]

The chemistry I had with my boyfriend was off the charts from the moment we met. very conversation, every stolen look, every interaction was a jolt to my heart. I could tell he felt the same way. We tried to ignore it, but it was so strong and evident to everyone around us that people thought we were dating long before we were actually together.

 

It's been nearly two years now and he's arranged to talk to my dad to ask his permission to marry me. I think if you truly care for someone and take time to nurture your relationship, the spark never goes away. It does definitely get buried in the humdrum day-to-day of normal life, but sometimes I just glance at him and I fall in love all over again. I think that spark has helped sustain us when we've driven each other crazy.

 

So yes, it's real. It's real and it's rare. And when you experience it for yourself, you'll know.

[oberkeat]

Agree, I've never felt a spark with someone until I know them, know their personality and character, like them, and want to spend time with them. It's hard to know that until at least 3 or 4 dates in. I never understand people who won't go on a 2nd date because there's "no spark" (unless that's just an excuse for don't like you). I think if you wait for a "spark" on the first date then you'll be throwing away a lot of decent people and potentially great relationships.

 

I agree 100 percent. Young women in the dating game place far too much emphasis on spark, which is a totally unrealistic standard. A second date after a decent first date is not unreasonable.

This was the topic of a recent thread I made here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/576100-s

which turned into a vicious debate that continues here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/576335-general-online-other-dating-discussion

 

Maybe the mods should consider making a giant "spark" thread, since these topics seem to be converging.

Edited April 9, 2016 by oberkeat

[Mjm1014]

While I think spark is important, don't let it blindside you. Give those guys that you were so-so another chance and see if you feel it with them. From my experience, the "spark" was nothing more than me being super attracted to someone and I ignored all the red flags until it was too late.

 

I can think of one girl in particular...wasn't really feeling it 100% the first date, but the second date, I felt much more attraction towards her (maybe because her confidence went way up)...regardless, I've learned to give people a second chance if there at least is a little something there..you may find yourself surprised

[Eternal Sunshine]

put it this way: feeling the spark doesn't mean someone will be a good match for you in longer term. Pushing on without the spark just because someone is a good enough company? That's settling.

I know lots of women that are happy enough to settle. I can't.

 

Spark to me is feeling of yearning to be around that person, to touch them, kiss them etc. I give OLD guys few dates to feel it but if not I move on.

 

A relationship without the spark is like watching TV without colour

[soph-walker]

put it this way: feeling the spark doesn't mean someone will be a good match for you in longer term. Pushing on without the spark just because someone is a good enough company? That's settling.

I know lots of women that are happy enough to settle. I can't.

 

Spark to me is feeling of yearning to be around that person, to touch them, kiss them etc. I give OLD guys few dates to feel it but if not I move on.

 

A relationship without the spark is like watching TV without colour

 

I think sometimes the spark can be ignited after a bit of physical contact, for me it can really amp things up a bit.

 

A spark can also fizzle out very quickly once the rush has worn off.

 

I've not yet found a way to maintain a spark which makes me believe now I'm older and wiser (ha) that it really isn't all it's cracked up to be in terms of longevity in a relationship.

[Dis]

OMG UPDATE!!!!! Last night was amazing!!! I'm so glad I gave him another shot because I felt it this time!!! After we ate dinner we were sitting across from each other and he reached over and took my hand...heart meltedddd. He held my hand for the rest of the dinner!! He was so sweet and flirty! I told him how my bumper got messed up in a car accident and he offered to fix it for me lol. I showed him a painting I did and I said I wanted to sell it because I didnt know what to do with it, he said he'd buy it. I said I'd probably just give it to him, the he said...But what if after a month you dont want to see me again? I said...I dont think that will happen. He said..Ok good, I really hope not. We talked about our ex's and we both seem to be the sane person in relationships. He's the first actual "Good Guy" I've ever been interested in. He is so sweet natured and kind. Hes a corrections officer so he's manly too lol. He said he wants me to see him new condo he just bought. He asked me to come over sometime to watch a movie. (Yes I know what that sounds like but I will be clear that I dont have sex with a guy unless we're in a serious relationship). He walked me to my car, he's so tall, I like that. Then he gave me such a good, long kiss, with tongue too!!! haha Then he said bye and kissed me again, then again. Ahhh I felt it!!! There was something very familiar about him this time, I dont know what it is but it mad me feel at ease and connected to him.

 

Not rushing into anything, I'm liking this whole courting phase. I also want to continue to be cautious and smart. But I cant help but be so psyched!!!! I've been listening to hapy taylor swift songs ever since last night :)

[Dis]

I met my boyfriend when I stopped looking for a spark.

 

Sure 1 in a million will meet a man, feel the spark and it will last for life, but it's not the ONLY way to fall in love. You also have all those people waiting for a spark that never happens and are old and alone because they wouldn't explore other possibilities.

 

When I met my boyfriend there was no spark on my end. I went on 3 dates before a little light went off in my head saying <I want to see this man again>. As we kept seeing each other and he showed me his different facets, I've discovered the masculine and protective man I was looking for. Each time we had a date I was < wow really!>. None of this I had seen on our first date.

 

Fast forward, I am crazy about my boyfriend and very much in love but never went through the spark or the butterfly phase.

 

So, put down the fairy tale book and take time to get to know that man and his different facets. He might be the one you've been waiting for.

 

All the guys I have had a spark with, there was very little mental connection, very superficial. The last relationship I had when I felt that spark I ended up feeling very disconnected from him.

 

What I like about this guy is I feel "safe" with him in a very comfy/misterious way. He seems very familiar and I dont know what it is about him but hes so sweet. Hes not one of those smooth talkers (been there done that) hes just naturally a sweet good guy. Hes even alittle goofy and dorky and I like that. What I always need in guys no matter what...is for a guy to be masculine. And I was so suprised to find that he is in a subtle, respectable way. He also told me he had to tackle inmates before (hes a corrections officer) so hes tough when he needs to be, I like that. I'm so excited because I finally like a good guy who is not f***** up and has respect for others and maturity. I'm sooooo excited!!!!! :)

[Dis]

Gaeta and I are in a similar circumstance. I met my now boyfriend and felt no spark or physical attraction till quite a few dates in. In fact, the first time he kissed me, I wasn't sure I felt much of anything. But from date 1 I could see what a great person he was, and how many common interests we had, and that he was a real catch. And I always thought he was cute, just wasn't sure if I felt that attraction.

 

Then on date 5 or so he held my hand during a movie and sparks exploded, and from then till now (3 months in), the sparks have just kept building. And the physical side of our relationship is the best I have had so far in my life, which I never could have predicted on our first few dates.

 

There's no guarantees this will happen with any given guy. I dated a guy under similar circumstances last summer, where I could see he was a great person and kept dating him but nothing sparky ever materialised between us... When we finally kissed, it was clear he wasn't right for me.

 

People are different, but in the past I too would have said if I didn't feel anything on date 1, I wouldn't feel anything later. But I was wrong. If I had stuck to that belief, I would have missed out on the best and most promising relationship I have had.

 

We have so much in common too!!!!! We're both mature, like to stay home a good amount of time, have had crazy ex's, we both appreciate old fashioned respect for others, our families, security (in all ways). I absolutly did NOT think the date was going to go well, never mind amazingly well! I was honestly discouraged as I was driving there. I cant believe how we connected so well on the second date despite me not feeling much on the first. I'm also shocked that I like a good guy, I'm proud of myself for breaking out of that bad boy attraction phase. He is very trustworthy, old fashioned, gentle and sweet. I cant wait to see him again!!!!!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have realised that both sided off the charts spark + long term compatibility is very rare. Many people never find it.

 

If I want to have a LT partner, I will need to forget about the spark. I wasn't ready for that before but I may be now. We will see how things pan out with my new boyfriend.

[Leigh 87]

I have realised that both sided off the charts spark + long term compatibility is very rare. Many people never find it.

 

If I want to have a LT partner, I will need to forget about the spark. I wasn't ready for that before but I may be now. We will see how things pan out with my new boyfriend.

 

It isn't rare for it to be mutual. It's rare for it to lead to deeper feelings and hence a relationship.

 

And the pressing issue for me in regards to all these threads are: is the level of passion as high for women like Gaeta, who admittedly skipped the butterfly stage and didn't feel a spark at first?

 

Another poster admitted the sex with her no sparks husband was NOT the best she'd ever had. So the spark never came about strong enough for her to generate as much passion as with her higher spark exes.

 

Yet a few posters have claimed that their no sparks boyfriends lead to the best sex ever!

 

I mean, you and I BOTH know that MOST men either fall right away or not at all. You have personally acknowledged that us women can fall hard for men we initially feel lukewarm about.

 

The question is: who can actually end up with just as much of a spark with an individual that they did NOT initially feel sparks with.

 

And is there really much of a spectrum? For me, I either feel a spark right away and blaring bright or else I DO NOT ever feel a spark. I feel attraction sure, but never the spark.

[thecrucible]

I don't feel a strong spark with most men when I see them (including good looking ones). Often it's just because I haven't gotten to know them and when I get talking to them we click, then sometimes we don't. There are some guys I feel an instant physical attraction to. I don't have a type as such and men with all sorts of looks have stimulated that reaction in me. Through experience, I've learned that it's not always a good thing to be too swayed by your physical reactions and let yourself get carried away but sometimes you're drawn to someone and it's undeniable.

 

I would like to have that feeling in a relationship if I can as life is too short. But I want as much of the whole package as possible. Even if I had the total hots for a guy, if he didn't stimulate my brain then I would have to siphon him off as more of a fantasy than a real prospect. Now that really sucks but resisting your natural urges can stop you getting hurt. For instance, I have met men I have felt deeply attracted to but they weren't feeling it for me. For me to ignore that and get involved because of "the spark" would result in me inevitably getting hurt. Another example is an occasion in which I got to know a guy and we both liked each other physically but we talked about it and both thought that we didn't have enough in common in our personalities and interests to sustain anything permanent so it only resulted in us kissing and nothing more.

 

I have been in relationships which didn't have passion. I'm not blaming the men involved as if I wasn't feeling it, they probably weren't feeling it either. I don't think those relationships are great and I would try to avoid them. When I was younger and inexperienced I had relationships like that because I hadn't experienced enough of the real deal. You want the best of both worlds - you want to be realistic but not unhappy. I think it's good to have a baseline where you're both really into each other to begin with as life has its ups and downs and that level of passion won't be there forever but there will be enough highs to sustain the relationship long term. I think if you're going into it trying to force passion which isn't there then it's never going to work out for the long term. Experience has taught me the difference in what it feels like when you're forcing it and what it feels like where the relationship effortlessly flows.