Happy by yourself?

[Shs101]

I am young only 23 but was in 2 long term relationships in the last few years....I have had the same feeling after both break ups even long after the break up......I have a hard time being happy in solitude with myself. I had a lot of friends and yes we go out but why do I always feel like I need a significant other? At times I feel like I can't even be happy if I don't have a girl I'm with or talking to? It's weird but it's being something I have been dealing with for a few years now. When I have a gf I'm fine but when I'm single I get random anxiety and just feel like I "need" someone when I truly don't. Hence why my last relationship prob wasn't meant to be because I forced something because I had trouble being alone.

 

I know this a great forum with some sound advice. I just need some uplifting positive advice and thoughts. I just want to be happy single and that I don't need actually need a significant other to make me happy.

[TaraMaiden2]

You last two lines are up to you. They're the clincher.

We can't MAKE you happy, because only you know what it would take to do that.

 

Is it insecurity?

Is it a fear ofbeing alone?

is it an anxiety based on obligatory celibacy?

 

Why do you think you NEED someone to make you 'happy'?

[carhill]

I am young only 23 but was in 2 long term relationships in the last few years....I have had the same feeling after both break ups even long after the break up......I have a hard time being happy in solitude with myself.

Humans, in general, are social animals but each of us is unique in our genetics and how we're socialized so that milieu results in different feelings and perspectives about social dynamics. Evidently, your life experiences have resulted in your feeling lacking when not having a SO. That's how it goes for some folks.

I had a lot of friends and yes we go out but why do I always feel like I need a significant other?

Reading your post, it sounds like you're used to it and moved from family to peers with little alone time so are imprinted with others being important to your psyche.

At times I feel like I can't even be happy if I don't have a girl I'm with or talking to?

Yep, that's your unique combination of genetics and imprinting. It's different for each of us.

It's weird but it's being something I have been dealing with for a few years now. When I have a gf I'm fine but when I'm single I get random anxiety and just feel like I "need" someone when I truly don't. Hence why my last relationship prob wasn't meant to be because I forced something because I had trouble being alone.

You've probably got a lot of company. I've known a ton of folks in life who are basically scared to death of being alone, meaning without an intimate partner, both men and women. The good news is folks like to feel needed so someone who 'needs' a partner generally gets positive results and, barring extraordinary circumstances, is rarely alone. A young guy, or guy in general, who feels the way you do, will have to learn, or has learned, the skillset to acquire new partners since men do most of the first contact/pursuit stuff. The combination of lack of skills and need for a partner can be a mind bender; it can really mess a guy up. Doesn't sound like a problem for you though.

 

I know this a great forum with some sound advice. I just need some uplifting positive advice and thoughts. I just want to be happy single and that I don't need actually need a significant other to make me happy.

 

Good news is there's billions of women in the world and social connections are fluid and ever-changing. New ones can occur any time, any place, for any reason or no reason at all. While my genetics and socialization and being an only child have found me to comfortably live long stretches of life without a partner, I have had girlfriends and have been married. All I did was put myself out there and make it known. It works out. Lately, since getting divorced I've lived alone and without a partner by choice. I noticed, with my old buddy cat dying a few weeks ago, things seem a bit empty lately. Normal stuff. Probably a bit like you feel without a lady friend. Life goes on.

 

I was talking to a customer today, also a guy, who's in his 60's and has lived alone for some time now. He's taking care of his mom, who has cancer and is in her 90's. He's been married twice and divorced twice and feels fine without a partner. Heh, he had a sofa in the back of his truck he brought home from his beach house so his mom would have a more comfortable place to relax. That's what you have to look forward to when you get to our age. Enjoy your youth. It's brief.

[truthtripper]

Unfortunately we can't fix our emotional problems in a hurry, it takes time, like maturing wine. It's great that you have this self-knowledge and self-awareness and the fact that you do means you shouldn't let yourself worry too much. Trust your instincts and life will take you where you want to go.

[Timshel]

Yes, usually.

[Shanex]

Depend. I'm usually content by myself but enjoy both friends or ladies company from time to time.

[thecrucible]

I think you've made the first step of progress because you've recognised that tendency in you. I felt like you did at 21 after coming out of two long-term relationships. And honestly it was difficult being alone after all that time and pretty painful too but I began focusing on what I needed to do for myself. You don't see improvement immediately. I've been mostly single for 5 years since I had that turning point and yeah being single sucks sometimes but in a way I would never take it back because by doing things for myself I developed a lot more confidence than I had had before. I also have a more full life to offer someone else, I think. So just take your time and maybe come up with a list of what you want to achieve in life and start there.

[Puglife]

Okay I have no clue how to work through these issues I'm having. So I was in a long term relationship for 5yrs and my ex left me last August. Since then I have made friends, gone out, etc. Now I started trying to date and I have fallen into a self destructing pattern I can't seem to get out of.

 

It started with tinder, my friends signed me up for it cause they said it's a nice ego boost. I liked the attention I was getting from these guys so I wanted to date them. Pretty much every guy I have met or talked to on that app has disappeared and I'm sure it's because of me coming on too strong, needy, etc. since the tinder, I have been acting and feeling desperate for a guy. I can't even go to a store without essentially looking for a guy. I know this behavior is self destructing me. Im stressing to much about finding a guy and I'm essentially embarrassing myself in front of the guys I meet on tinder and in front of my friends who have to watch and listen to my sagas.

 

I know it has to do with me looking for attention and grasping onto it wherever I find it. The attention seeking isn't only romantic attention, just attention in general. I get so happy when friends invite me out. But I get so down when everybody is busy and nobody wants to hang out. Which I know will eventually get on my friends nerves to the point where they won't want anything to do with me. I like the feeling of being wanted by guys and being included in activities with my friends. I know it's cause I didn't really get much of that when I was younger since I was a ugly kid and a loner.

 

How do I help this destructive behavior before it ruins my life?

[TaraMaiden2]

You seek the help of a counsellor. You know you ARE doing it.

You have an angle on possibly WHY you are doing it.

You certainly need some kind of input on what tools to use to quit doing it.

 

It's all very well us advising you on what we think and how you should tackle it.

The hard work - and be warned, it will be hard - is totally on you.

 

It also sounds as if you actually don't look forward to, or enjoy your own company.

 

Solitude does not mean having to be lonely.

 

It might be useful for you to consider going on maybe a walking holiday, to some peaceful remote spot, on your own, and savouring the luxury of being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, uninhibited by the cumbersome and invasive need to absolutely HAVE to have company.....

 

I would suggest a Buddhist retreat.

It's non-religious, and you can learn a lot about yourself then.

But I'm not one to push the point, if that isn't a welcome consideration...