Thanks to This Forum, Day 1 of NC.

[Chuff]

I'm so happy I stumbled upon this forum, and although this is my first post, I've been following everyone's journey for weeks.

 

I'll share "my story" later, but, for now, suffice it to say, today is Day 1 of NC, and I have all of you to thank for showing me why it's necessary.

 

Email is the only avenue of communication left available to us (I'll explain later) and it took a few emails back and forth yesterday for me to sever ties. I told him that if he ever was free and decided to choose me, to come find me....but I won't promise anything. His response? "My heart is telling me to come find you now."

 

Aaaaaack!!!! I thought that was pretty cruel of him. Okay, dry the tears, dust myself off, and let's try this again.

 

"No more contact. Good bye."

 

He emailed back, "I miss you everyday."

 

I just shook my head and hit "delete." (I can't block emails on gmail but will delete before reading from now on.)

 

Today is Day 1. It's gonna be okay.

[imperfectangel]

Good for you. Also if you block every avenue how is he supposed to find you if he does leave bs?!

[Chuff]

Good for you. Also if you block every avenue how is he supposed to find you if he does leave bs?!

 

 

He won't. He's a coward. And he's too comfortable. I truly believe he thinks he loves me, but what he really loves is the way I make him feel.

[heartwhole]

He won't. He's a coward. And he's too comfortable. I truly believe he thinks he loves me, but what he really loves is the way I make him feel.

 

Very insightful Chuff. I'd say you are well on your way to moving past and learning from this experience.

 

His "my heart is telling me" response was very clever because he didn't actually state that that's what he was going to do, did he? "My heart is telling me X" can be countered with "but my brain/conscience is telling me the opposite" and he didn't technically lie, did he?

[Chuff]

So here's the story. Until I found this forum, I, like everyone else, thought "my story" was unique. lolol

 

Friends with MM for 3 years. We always clicked because we have similar backgrounds in a specialized field and we get each other.

 

I've been married for 7 years to a very kind and supportive man, but we never really had a connection. We were always more like good friends, which I thought was enough for me at the time. There's been no physical intimacy for maybe 4 years.

 

My husband was away a lot for business trips, and I always dreaded him coming home. The thought of spending the rest of my life with him scared the crap out of me, so at the end of last year, I told him I didn't want to be married anymore. I am so proud of myself because it's the bravest thing I've ever done.

 

It took a few hours, but he agreed, and we decided to wait a few months to make the divorce legal so we could take care of insurance and financial needs first. We also gave each other our blessing to date others. We truly want the other person to be happy. Although our marriage didn't last, we have no regrets marrying each other and we're both better people for it.

 

Anyway...

 

After husband moved out, MM and I began talking and texting more. Initially it was for support, but you know how these things go. We didn't see it coming, we didn't plan it (who does??), but we both "fell in love". There was a little kissing, but no sex, but that's just a technicality (I learned that here). Let's call a spade a spade. We had an affair for 2 months.

 

He's been married over 20 years, 3 adult children living at home. He sees himself as a family man, and he never once said he would leave his wife.

 

But...he won't (he says "can't") let go of me. And it's messing with my head. Big time.

 

And that's all the details I can share right now because my user name would give me away, should the wife come here. I don't know what I was thinking when I created it, but I'll appeal to the moderator to change it.

[Chuff]

 

His "my heart is telling me" response was very clever because he didn't actually state that that's what he was going to do, did he? "My heart is telling me X" can be countered with "but my brain/conscience is telling me the opposite" and he didn't technically lie, did he?

 

OMG! I NEVER thought about it like that, but you are so right!!!! This ambiguousness (I just made that word up) is par for the course.

 

Trust me - there were 10 days of NC from him after an almost D-Day (I'll go into details if I can change my username) in Feb. where I did not get out of bed, cried all day, and lost 5 lbs. After day 4 I got myself a counselor and went back on my SSRIs after 10 years. And then a few weeks ago I found this forum and saw myself in so many of you. And I cried with you at your stories. That's when I knew I needed to be an active member, but the kind of support here - you just can't find anywhere else on line. And I'll need some quick swift kicks in the butt I'm sure because I know he's still going to try and get into my head.

 

Meanwhile, I went on a date - a setup by a friend - last weekend and he's making me dinner tomorrow night. I'm cautiously optimistic. He's a good guy.

[Phoenician]

chuff ,

 

hugs .

 

good luck .

 

the only thing i am worry about right now is that the thread you opened have : day 1 of NC !

 

what will you do tommorrow ?

 

will you open a thread every day :laugh:

[lemondrop21]

OMG! I NEVER thought about it like that, but you are so right!!!! This ambiguousness (I just made that word up) is par for the course.

 

Trust me - there were 10 days of NC from him after an almost D-Day (I'll go into details if I can change my username) in Feb. where I did not get out of bed, cried all day, and lost 5 lbs. After day 4 I got myself a counselor and went back on my SSRIs after 10 years. And then a few weeks ago I found this forum and saw myself in so many of you. And I cried with you at your stories. That's when I knew I needed to be an active member, but the kind of support here - you just can't find anywhere else on line. And I'll need some quick swift kicks in the butt I'm sure because I know he's still going to try and get into my head.

 

Meanwhile, I went on a date - a setup by a friend - last weekend and he's making me dinner tomorrow night. I'm cautiously optimistic. He's a good guy.

 

Continuing to date is good as long as you can handle it. Just stay super casual at first because you're probably gonna go through a down period, which is what happened to me, and you don't wanna be sending this guy all kinds of mixed signals. If he's as good a guy as you say then he'll be patient . I even told my New Guy that I didn't want to rush the physical stuff because I'm just getting over a difficult relationship-type situation where the sex dynamic was super unhealthy. And so he's been completely respectful about it and is letting me take the lead.

[whichwayisup]

. We had an affair for 2 months.

 

He's been married over 20 years, 3 adult children living at home. He sees himself as a family man, and he never once said he would leave his wife.

 

Good for you for day one of NC. Continue on! This MM is never leaving and divorcing his wife. 20 year marriage, plus a long history with his wife, 3 kids vs a 2 month affair - no way he is going to up and leave, start over with you.

 

Why is it not possible to block on gmail? Look into that, there has to be a way. But if not, change your email address and delete that account.

 

Stay strong, any time you get the urge to contact him post here.

[Chuff]

Good for you for day one of NC. Continue on! This MM is never leaving and divorcing his wife. 20 year marriage, plus a long history with his wife, 3 kids vs a 2 month affair - no way he is going to up and leave, start over with you.

 

Why is it not possible to block on gmail? Look into that, there has to be a way. But if not, change your email address and delete that account.

 

Stay strong, any time you get the urge to contact him post here.

 

I needed and will continue to need to hear this. He will never leave,no matter how miserable he says he is.

 

I would hate to have to delete my gmail account. I've had it for 10 years and it would be a nightmare updating everything linked to it. I'll keep it in mind and if I DO get an email from him, if it messes with my head, then I will change it.

 

I never initiate contact with him, so I'm not worried about starting now. It's when he contacts me, and I read his emotional emails (The man can seriously emote!) that makes my head spin. I will definitely come here right away so I can get back on track, but I will try deleting them without reading and see if I can do that.

[heartwhole]

I just wanted to say that I'm impressed with the way you handled your marriage. Good for you. You realized it wasn't meeting your needs and are dealing with the divorce in a clear-headed way.

 

So now, go be clear-headed with this too. The MM has entered your life at a vulnerable time when I'm sure the idea that you could love and want and connect with someone new has been like a breath of fresh air. Only, it's putrid under the freshness. You need to free yourself of this mess so you can go take what you're learning about what you want and need and figure it out with someone worthy of your time.

 

I just googled it and it looks like on Gmail you just select the sender to be blocked, and then they get sent to your spam folder. Out of sight, out of mind. Unfortunately, you might be tempted to check the spam folder obsessively. Try not to do that (easier said than done, haha).

[bathtub-row]

Good for you on both counts -- getting out of a bad marriage and ending the affair. Most people couldn't muster the courage to do even one of those things, much less both. You're brave and you should be proud of that. And you obviously want to live authentically, which is great.

 

As far as Gmail is concerned, you could actually flag his email address as spam. Anything he sends would go into that big black hole where he probably belongs. Lol.

 

Ok. Just kidding. He's probably a nice guy and I know you loved him. But this situation was all wrong and you were so right to put an end to the madness.

[ladydesigner]

Op wishing you the best with NC. Onwards and upwards. Glad you found LS!

[Chuff]

 

Ok. Just kidding. He's probably a nice guy and I know you loved him. But this situation was all wrong and you were so right to put an end to the madness.

 

He is a very nice guy. Or at least he was, before he got "confused." And then he wasn't there for me emotionally when I had a medical emergency. That was the wakeup call for me. I need someone who can be there for me.

 

I miss him desperately. We were great friends and our connection and chemistry was off the charts - just like everyone's on here.

 

And guess what just happened as I was typing this? He broke NC via email to send me a picture of nature. I'm ok. I quickly deleted it.

 

Wow...Didn't even make through day 1 and NC has been broken. @#%$^

 

I'll be ok. If I'm not, I'll come back here tonight.

[bathtub-row]

He is a very nice guy. Or at least he was, before he got "confused." And then he wasn't there for me emotionally when I had a medical emergency. That was the wakeup call for me. I need someone who can be there for me.

 

I miss him desperately. We were great friends and our connection and chemistry was off the charts - just like everyone's on here.

 

And guess what just happened as I was typing this? He broke NC via email to send me a picture of nature. I'm ok. I quickly deleted it.

 

Wow...Didn't even make through day 1 and NC has been broken. @#%$^

 

I'll be ok. If I'm not, I'll come back here tonight.

 

Well, I think the distinction here is that you're in NC. He's not.

 

MM love to play this game and they really knock themselves out to win you back. I used to be so impressed by that with xMM, until I figured out that he just wanted things back the way they were. There was never any intention of changing things. Not ok.

[Chuff]

There was never any intention of changing things.

 

Totally agree. He's in MC with his wife, but is only going through the motions. He hasn't been honest with the MC, his wife, or his IC. He's just waiting for things to calm down and go back to the way it was at home, when she wasn't monitoring his every move.

[Gloria25]

Totally agree. He's in MC with his wife, but is only going through the motions. He hasn't been honest with the MC, his wife, or his IC. He's just waiting for things to calm down and go back to the way it was at home, when she wasn't monitoring his every move.

 

So, how is he a "nice guy" to face MC and lead on is his wife so things can "calm down" and he can go back to sneaking around?

 

If there's 20 years of marriage, I assume his kids are grown? He can leave if he wants to.

 

Oh, and you're welcome. I'm glad my post helps you to maintain NC once you start seeing him for what he truly is - NOT a nice guy.

[whatatangledweb]

Make another gmail account. Then forward all emails from him to that email. That way you never have to see them.

[Chuff]

So, how is he a "nice guy" to face MC and lead on is his wife so things can "calm down" and he can go back to sneaking around?

 

If there's 20 years of marriage, I assume his kids are grown? He can leave if he wants to.

 

Oh, and you're welcome. I'm glad my post helps you to maintain NC once you start seeing him for what he truly is - NOT a nice guy.

 

 

You're right. He's getting less and less nice as time passes.

 

For the record, this IS the first time he's ever been in this situation. I know, I know, but, seriously. It's true. Besides, there always has to be a first time.

 

He has no idea what do with all these feelings. He truly doesn't, and he's a mess. But...not my problem. Anymore.

[Chuff]

Make another gmail account. Then forward all emails from him to that email. That way you never have to see them.

 

I can do that?? Okay, I will do this! Thank you!

[bathtub-row]

You're right. He's getting less and less nice as time passes.

 

For the record, this IS the first time he's ever been in this situation. I know, I know, but, seriously. It's true. Besides, there always has to be a first time.

 

He has no idea what do with all these feelings. He truly doesn't, and he's a mess. But...not my problem. Anymore.

 

My thinking is that if it were that important to him, he'd know what to do by now. It's not really rocket science. What he really wants is to stay married and to keep you entangled in the affair. It doesn't necessarily make him a good or bad person, it just is what it is. It's really a matter of whether you're willing to live that life or not. If I had been willing, the affair would still be going on, 12 years later. It's just not something I was willing to do. I missed him like crazy for a long time but I never once regretted ending it.

 

In the end, it's really about you looking out for your own well-being; self-protection. It's not about what he feels or doesn't feel. He has made his choice and you must decide based on that. It pretty much leaves you with few options. And the funny thing is, the MM will see it as you being the one who made the choice. At the end of the day, none of it matters.

[ChickiePops]

I can do that?? Okay, I will do this! Thank you!

 

Yup! You could also have someone else make the password so you're not tempted to check it.

[whatatangledweb]

I can do that?? Okay, I will do this! Thank you!

 

Yes, after you make it. Go to the settings in your original email and you can set it up there. You're welcome!

[Gloria25]

You're right. He's getting less and less nice as time passes.

 

For the record, this IS the first time he's ever been in this situation. I know, I know, but, seriously. It's true. Besides, there always has to be a first time.

 

He has no idea what do with all these feelings. He truly doesn't, and he's a mess. But...not my problem. Anymore.

 

Uh, and in my situation first time my neighbor ever had a woman who was genuinely interested in him without a hidden agenda (i.e. wanting shelter, money, sperm) and yet, he's staying with Shamu.

 

So, don't waste your time here...nothing to see

[13Hearts]

My thinking is that if it were that important to him, he'd know what to do by now. It's not really rocket science. What he really wants is to stay married and to keep you entangled in the affair. It doesn't necessarily make him a good or bad person, it just is what it is. It's really a matter of whether you're willing to live that life or not. If I had been willing, the affair would still be going on, 12 years later. It's just not something I was willing to do. I missed him like crazy for a long time but I never once regretted ending it.

 

In the end, it's really about you looking out for your own well-being; self-protection. It's not about what he feels or doesn't feel. He has made his choice and you must decide based on that. It pretty much leaves you with few options. And the funny thing is, the MM will see it as you being the one who made the choice. At the end of the day, none of it matters.

 

Hello and welcome to LS. I hope you find strength and new knowledge here, to help you on your path to recovery from the devastation of your affair.

 

I agree with what Bathtub is saying here and would like to add that I have found, many times over, that with men in general, especially with the super-selfish ones, what it boils down to is it's a matter of Me vs Him. Am I going to get my needs met or is he going to get his needs met? In every relationship I have been in (and I've been in a lot of them) they way they lived their lives was either detrimental to me and/or my life or my health or just incompatible with mine. And with each one I had to decide whether or not I was going to allow this person's choices to slowly (or even quickly in some cases) destroy me, my sanity, or my lifestyle or health.

 

((Hugs)). You can do this.

 

Make a decision today how many days you are going to allow yourself to continue to look at his emails. Mark your calendar. And when that day comes, let go and stop looking at them completely. It's not hard. You just have to maintain emotional control. Don't let your thoughts go into "I miss him," "I love him," "I can't live without him," victim mode. Just don't go there.