Thanks to This Forum, Day 1 of NC.

[Chuff]

My thinking is that if it were that important to him, he'd know what to do by now. It's not really rocket science. What he really wants is to stay married and to keep you entangled in the affair. It doesn't necessarily make him a good or bad person, it just is what it is.

 

 

 

Yes. He actually came out and said that he wanted me as a friend and lover. And I didn't hesitate a minute to say, "No."

 

Could I have done that 2 months ago?? No. It's only because of counseling, confiding in a couple of trusted friends, and reading my situation over and over in this forum.

 

Oh, and AD's.

[Chuff]

Hello and welcome to LS. I hope you find strength and new knowledge here, to help you on your path to recovery from the devastation of your affair.

 

I agree with what Bathtub is saying here and would like to add that I have found, many times over, that with men in general, especially with the super-selfish ones, what it boils down to is it's a matter of Me vs Him. Am I going to get my needs met or is he going to get his needs met? In every relationship I have been in (and I've been in a lot of them) they way they lived their lives was either detrimental to me and/or my life or my health or just incompatible with mine. And with each one I had to decide whether or not I was going to allow this person's choices to slowly (or even quickly in some cases) destroy me, my sanity, or my lifestyle or health.

 

((Hugs)). You can do this.

 

Make a decision today how many days you are going to allow yourself to continue to look at his emails. Mark your calendar. And when that day comes, let go and stop looking at them completely. It's not hard. You just have to maintain emotional control. Don't let your thoughts go into "I miss him," "I love him," "I can't live without him," victim mode. Just don't go there.

 

 

Hi 13, I was hoping you'd chime in. I've appreciated your comments on other threads here.

 

I agree completely with what you're saying here.

 

But something has...shifted overnight. I got 2 more emails last night - one to say "Good Night"...and a second one that said, "I don't like this. At all."

 

Okay, the good news is that neither f*cked with my head.

 

However, the 2nd email unnerved me slightly - it got my spidey sense tingling. I don't think he would turn stalkerish (although he has done drive bys) but...I've seen too much in my profession to ignore it. I need to save all of the emails now, if only to show a pattern. Catch my drift? Just in case things get ugly.

 

I'm feeling good this morning, but I know better than to get too cocky and think "I've got this." It does help immensely that Former Blind Date is now a full on date and making me dinner tonight. Woohoo!

 

And I have an amazing support system, including this forum.

[Boomerangmagnet]

How to Block Someone on Gmail - Tips and Tricks - Laptop Mag

[Chuff]

Day 2 of NC and I didn't respond to his 3 emails last night where he was just fishing. I was too busy enjoying my blind date.

 

One day at a time. It's going to be okay.

 

 

Today will be day 3. I've changed up my schedule at the gym temporarily so I don't run into him, too. I cannot and will not change gyms - they are my 2nd family. But I have gym friends looking out for me.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Chuff

[stilltrying16]

You're right. He's getting less and less nice as time passes.

 

For the record, this IS the first time he's ever been in this situation. I know, I know, but, seriously. It's true. Besides, there always has to be a first time.

 

He has no idea what do with all these feelings. He truly doesn't, and he's a mess. But...not my problem. Anymore.

 

love this

[Chuff]

Well dang.

 

There's nothing like a mediocre and disappointing 2nd date along with an email from MM to test your resolve to stay NC.

 

Don't worry, I won't. But man...the emotions. They will pass because they always do.

 

*sigh*

 

Think I'll turn in early tonight.

[Josmatjes]

Well dang.

 

There's nothing like a mediocre and disappointing 2nd date along with an email from MM to test your resolve to stay NC.

 

Don't worry, I won't. But man...the emotions. They will pass because they always do.

 

*sigh*

 

Think I'll turn in early tonight.

 

Yes but at least you went on the date and at this point it's not about stepping into another relationship right away, it's more about staying busy and keeping your mind occupied. It's really about just healing yourself. But on that note I think your doing great! Keep your head up cause things will get better!!

[Grapesofwrath]

Chuff: I agree with Josmatjes that it's about staying busy and distracting yourself while you heal. Going on dates is okay, as long as you keep it casual, but it can be tricky. Speaking from experience, you go on the date to distract yourself from thoughts of the MM, and when there aren't sparks and chemistry, it's very very easy to let that mean more to you than it really should.

 

You aren't going to have sparks and chemistry with anyone yet. Your heart and your mind aren't ready. You are still too raw and still, at least in part, emotionally invested in the A. (It's okay. It takes time to unlearn those old habits.) The dangerous part of dating at this point is that you can misinterpret the lack of chemistry with your new date as a sign that you are really meant to be with the MM. It doesn't mean that. I promise.

 

Go out, have fun, enjoy your friends, make new friends, date casually, and give yourself some time to heal from this experience.

[Josmatjes]

Chuff: I agree with Josmatjes that it's about staying busy and distracting yourself while you heal. Going on dates is okay, as long as you keep it casual, but it can be tricky. Speaking from experience, you go on the date to distract yourself from thoughts of the MM, and when there aren't sparks and chemistry, it's very very easy to let that mean more to you than it really should.

 

You aren't going to have sparks and chemistry with anyone yet. Your heart and your mind aren't ready. You are still too raw and still, at least in part, emotionally invested in the A. (It's okay. It takes time to unlearn those old habits.) The dangerous part of dating at this point is that you can misinterpret the lack of chemistry with your new date as a sign that you are really meant to be with the MM. It doesn't mean that. I promise.

 

Go out, have fun, enjoy your friends, make new friends, date casually, and give yourself some time to heal from this experience.

 

It's true. I think you need to be completely 100% over him before you let someone else have your heart. Right now your broken. But your on your way to fixing yourself!!

[Girlfromcali]

My AP also a family man, married forever. I also in sexless marriage. I also thought I was unique, but this story keeps repeating itself in this forum over and over again.

I have never been able to do the real NC. The first days were torturous. We broke up in July. It's been almost a year and I'm still a mess. Now we are kinda friend status but there's a lot of "aaww" moments still that take you right back to that emotional place. That's why I avoid him.

If you are able to keep your NC, you're a better woman than I am.

[whichwayisup]

Well, I think the distinction here is that you're in NC. He's not.

 

MM love to play this game and they really knock themselves out to win you back. I used to be so impressed by that with xMM, until I figured out that he just wanted things back the way they were. There was never any intention of changing things. Not ok.

 

Opening emails is NOT NC.

 

Why does gmail not have blocking? Or at least direct to your spam folder and then just delete your spam without looking at it.

[Gloria25]

Yes but at least you went on the date and at this point it's not about stepping into another relationship right away, it's more about staying busy and keeping your mind occupied. It's really about just healing yourself. But on that note I think your doing great! Keep your head up cause things will get better!!

 

Agreed ^^

 

Baby steps...

 

When stepping away from my neighbor, I'd put a lot into a possible date/match/meet-up and when it didn't work out, I'd be back looking at neighbor - like he was my default cuz I had nothing else going on. Not that I really wanted him anymore.

 

Be strong. No matter how the first dates, activities, etc. go - don't default into looking at MM. Trust me, each time I resorted back into his sick game I came out feeling even worst about myself.

 

Keep on plowing forward, keep your expectations light at this time....don't revert back to MM jerk.

[Chuff]

You guys are the best. Thank you. And you're right. The goal now is distract, distract, distract...and heal.

 

As far as opening emails, I didn't. I just know there were 3 total because I hit the delete button 3 times. lol I'll work on the gmail blocking thing today after I finish taxes.

 

I had NEVER heard of NC until a few weeks ago on this forum and had had plans to just fade away. But this way is so much easier (in the long run).

[Chuff]

My AP also a family man, married forever. I also in sexless marriage. I also thought I was unique, but this story keeps repeating itself in this forum over and over again.

I have never been able to do the real NC. The first days were torturous. We broke up in July. It's been almost a year and I'm still a mess. Now we are kinda friend status but there's a lot of "aaww" moments still that take you right back to that emotional place. That's why I avoid him.

If you are able to keep your NC, you're a better woman than I am.

 

Hang in there! It WILL get better!! Good for you for avoiding him! And you will get to a point where you realize that being just friends is just not an option and only serves to make HIM feel better emotionally. Take care of YOU and your heart.

[Girlfromcali]

Hang in there! It WILL get better!! Good for you for avoiding him! And you will get to a point where you realize that being just friends is just not an option and only serves to make HIM feel better emotionally. Take care of YOU and your heart.

 

The thing is that it makes ME feel better. I get a rush from the "aww" moments, even though they end in pain. The rush, the pain...I'm addicted to that cycle. Even the pain becomes a part of you because you live with it so long. You get used to it.

 

That's why NC is better because even when the pain is excruciating, there won't be any new pain.

[Chuff]

The thing is that it makes ME feel better. I get a rush from the "aww" moments, even though they end in pain. The rush, the pain...I'm addicted to that cycle. Even the pain becomes a part of you because you live with it so long. You get used to it.

 

That's why NC is better because even when the pain is excruciating, there won't be any new pain.

 

 

This is helping me stay strong tonight. I'm feeling weepy and emotional, but I don't want any new pain.

 

I sincerely hope you are able to break your addiction soon. You're here. That's a great start.

[Girlfromcali]

This is helping me stay strong tonight. I'm feeling weepy and emotional, but I don't want any new pain.

 

I sincerely hope you are able to break your addiction soon. You're here. That's a great start.

 

I'm glad. Funny that you'd said that because now I blocked him. Probably temporarily, knowing myself but it's the first time.

 

When we broke up in July, the pain I can only compare to both of my parents dying. It was horrible. Life finally throws you a bone, and it's taken away instantly. All colors disappear, nothing interests you anymore, nothing has meaning anymore. All you do is cry.

 

You have better days when you feel strong and happy, and you think "I got this". I survived this! And then next day you're in square one again. Or you think you are but you're not. You are healing. You think you might as well break NC because you're miserable anyway. And you probably break NC at some point, like a drug addict.

 

I'm a different woman I was a year ago.

 

What I've learned: his soulmate is the one he's married to, not me. His wife might gain forty pounds, but she is the one he loves. (As it should be).

 

He might say before the A, that the day he cheats on her, is the day he will leave her. He won't! He will say that you're the first person he thinks about in the morning when he wakes up, you complete him, you are the BEST sex he's ever had, you are his soulmate, he would take a bullet for you....Yet, he will NOT leave his wife for you.

 

Nor should he. Why should he?

[Josmatjes]

I'm glad. Funny that you'd said that because now I blocked him. Probably temporarily, knowing myself but it's the first time.

 

When we broke up in July, the pain I can only compare to both of my parents dying. It was horrible. Life finally throws you a bone, and it's taken away instantly. All colors disappear, nothing interests you anymore, nothing has meaning anymore. All you do is cry.

 

You have better days when you feel strong and happy, and you think "I got this". I survived this! And then next day you're in square one again. Or you think you are but you're not. You are healing. You think you might as well break NC because you're miserable anyway. And you probably break NC at some point, like a drug addict.

 

I'm a different woman I was a year ago.

 

What I've learned: his soulmate is the one he's married to, not me. His wife might gain forty pounds, but she is the one he loves. (As it should be).

 

He might say before the A, that the day he cheats on her, is the day he will leave her. He won't! He will say that you're the first person he thinks about in the morning when he wakes up, you complete him, you are the BEST sex he's ever had, you are his soulmate, he would take a bullet for you....Yet, he will NOT leave his wife for you.

 

Nor should he. Why should he?

 

That's all true! And it's such a hard pill to swallow. You feel such a connection with them and you justify it in your head... You brainwash yourself...

[Chuff]

It's time for an update.

 

My mentor/friend has a favorite saying: Never wrestle with a pig. You'll only get dirty, and the pig likes it.

 

I've been wrestling with a pig all week.

 

I was able to maintain NC on my end (blocking his emails on gmail only sent them to my spam folder. I'm now trying the forwarding thing to another email account of a friend) for 4 days. lol He was fishing in his emails, asking how may injured back was, things of that nature. When I didn't respond, he brought out the big guns...he asked if my spare BR was still available.

 

How f*cking cruel of him. But it worked. I answered. *sigh* I told him that he was cruel and that this wasn't love.

 

His response? "Thank God you're alive!" Ugh. (He had seen me at a distance at the gym nearly every day prior to this.) I then said that baiting me with that email as a ploy to get me to respond was nothing short of cruelty. And, once again, he turned it around and made it about him...saying that me ignoring his questions about my health and ignoring pictures of the ocean he had sent was "cruel".

 

Give me an effing break.

 

So now I'm back to ignoring his emails - hopefully they will automatically be forwarded to a trusted friend from now on. He stopped for 1 day and is back at it like nothing had happened.

 

I told him I didn't know him anymore. I reminded him about how much it would hurt his wife if she knew he was still in contact with me (she only knows about the phone contact - nothing more). He refuses to even mention or address his wife's feelings now and only said "we can be discreet."

 

What happened to him? I've known him for years as a friend, and this is NOT like him. I think that because this is his first A, and he got partially caught, his attitude is now f* it.

 

I told my mentor/friend about what happened this week, and he started to oink over the phone. lol

[privategal]

How did you know what the emails said?

[Chuff]

Although I never opened them, they were very short and could be read on the subject line??? All of my emails arrive that way - I can read the first sentence next to the email address.

 

So even though I tried to be diligent about deleting them right away, I'm human with a broken heart. If a certain word caught my eye, I'd read the entire line.

 

But that's neither here nor there. I'm discovering that I can be strong 99% of the time. It's that 1% when I'm tired, or weepy, or feeling lonely, or just had a bad day...you know...being human...that caves and reads the whole damn thing.

[bathtub-row]

Ok, consider me a dummy but what the heck does BR mean?

 

Yeah, don't worry about what you did. You're doing really well. Every time you start talking to him, you'll remember how it makes you feel and you'll stop wanting to do that. I'm not typically a huge fan of NC but in this case it's probably necessary because all he wants to do is disrespect that you want this to be over and he wants to drag you back into the affair.

 

You know, if you were really all that important to him, he knows what to do. Yet despite everything, he's still in his marriage.m, isn't he? Funny how that works.

[Chuff]

Ok, consider me a dummy but what the heck does BR mean?

 

Yeah, don't worry about what you did. You're doing really well. Every time you start talking to him, you'll remember how it makes you feel and you'll stop wanting to do that. I'm not typically a huge fan of NC but in this case it's probably necessary because all he wants to do is disrespect that you want this to be over and he wants to drag you back into the affair.

 

You know, if you were really all that important to him, he knows what to do. Yet despite everything, he's still in his marriage.m, isn't he? Funny how that works.

 

Ahh...sorry - BR=bedroom. I have a spare bedroom and told him awhile back that if his wife kicked him out, it would be available to him.

 

So to use that as a ploy to get me to respond is cruel...but it worked. Dammit!

 

So I tried the gmail filter and forwarding email thing, but it affects all of my emails - not just his email address. *sigh* I need a 10yo computer genius to help me figure it out. lol

 

Someone here said (on another thread) that the 2nd time of NC is easier because you're stronger.

 

And yes, he's still in his marriage. He has no reason to leave it because he can still get me to email him back, the cake eater.

 

I don't want to count, but today is day 3. Next week his wife will be out of town, so I'll need to mentally, emotionally, and physically (change my schedule up) prepare myself.

[privategal]

Although I never opened them, they were very short and could be read on the subject line??? All of my emails arrive that way - I can read the first sentence next to the email address.

 

So even though I tried to be diligent about deleting them right away, I'm human with a broken heart. If a certain word caught my eye, I'd read the entire line.

 

But that's neither here nor there. I'm discovering that I can be strong 99% of the time. It's that 1% when I'm tired, or weepy, or feeling lonely, or just had a bad day...you know...being human...that caves and reads the whole damn thing.

Ok, so the emails arent being forwarded to a trusted friend or filtered since you are still able to read them, then cracked and responded to one hence back to talking.

Are you serious about being done and healing?

Then CLOSE that email and STOP making excuses. Im trying to give you tough love.

NC hurts but hearing from him and being strung along and obsessing, not healing, feeling stuck...thats all humiliating.

I do not like to comment on morality of A's, I dont take that approach because I was in my own for 15 years so that makes me a hypocrite.

But...if you can go to his FB *only ONCE* pull up a picture of him with his WIFE. Look at it...stare at it...process that he is HERS, he sleeps with her, they will celebrate holidays, birthdays, vacations, family barbeques, milestones in their lives TOGETHER that you cant ever do...

You get hidden secret leftover time...these affairs are TRICKS of the mind...these stolen moments and continued contact from AP are feeding us because weve lost our selves, our seld esteem is shot, we lost track of how to find our own path and happiness and joy on our OWN without the breadcrumbs.

You need to really get serious.

Every day you give him all this energy and thought...you cant get the time back.

This day...today...you will never see this day again. Life is NOW and the days are passing so quickly.

Your missing beautiful adventures, sunsets, belly laughs and improving your life and journey because your dedicating all your thoughts to him STILL.

At least be honest about that.

You are still glued to your email.

Your waiting for that next hit.

Ladies, its all great to be on these threads showing your strength and resolve in NC but please be honest with YOURSELF in your heart.

Dont let one more day pass without deciding to make a real clear true change. Cut him OFF.

It doesnt matter if it hurts so bad you feel your heart is bleeding.

Your giving your life away for someone who doesnt want you fully.

Get serious about your LIFE.

HE ISNT IT.

HE IS SOMEONE ELSE'S WORLD.

[Chuff]

Ok, so the emails arent being forwarded to a trusted friend or filtered since you are still able to read them, then cracked and responded to one hence back to talking.

Are you serious about being done and healing?

Then CLOSE that email and STOP making excuses. Im trying to give you tough love.

 

Like I said above, the filtering and forwarding is affecting all of my emails - not just his. Obviously, I'm doing something wrong in the settings and need someone more computer literate than I am to figure it out.

 

I know you're giving me tough love, and I appreciate it. I really do. And I completely agree with everything you're saying. He IS someone else's world.

 

I am dating someone else...well, I was up until last night, but that's for another thread, and I am doing all the "right" things - making new friends, seeing a counselor, AD's, exercising more, coming here to get my butt kicked, etc. But I have my weak moments too, more than I originally thought.