Thanks to This Forum, Day 1 of NC.

[privategal]

He just does not want to be ignored, he is in control when he can get you to reply. No reply. He will get the hint. Do not be home tonight.

[Chuff]

He just does not want to be ignored, he is in control when he can get you to reply. No reply. He will get the hint. Do not be home tonight.

 

Dangit. You were right. As usual. I wish I had waited until this morning to reply...or not reply.

 

So I said that if he did stop by, I'd tell his wife.

 

His initial response: "That's gay."

 

wth??? How is that even a response?

 

And then an hour later (2:30 am): "Honestly tell me that you wouldn't want to meet for coffee...no strings attached...and just shoot the bull and catch up. Honestly."

 

I just don't even care anymore. I'm worn out.

 

He's self employed so he could stop by at any time. But that doesn't mean I have to open the door.

[Chuff]

He didn't stop by yesterday after all. Thank goodness.

 

Also, last night was the first night he hasn't sent any pathetic emails fishing for a bite. Perhaps my threat about telling his wife did the trick. Time will tell, but I'm feeling SO much better.

 

Every day I feel another chainlink drop off of me. I can actually taste the freedom from this addiction. Now I understand why so many of us choose to stay in the addiction cycle - breaking it is hard work and the hurt doesn't go away overnight!

[jenkins95]

(((Chuff))) So proud of you! It's amazing how strong and positive you are being through all this. You are amazing and we are proud of you. Of course, I know there's deep hurt underneath the courage, but I just wanted you to know that I think you're doing great.

 

As an xMM, I recognise some of his behaviour in myself. Us MM do tend to make a big mess of it when the going gets tough. I spend a lot of time now cringing about things I did and said when I simply couldn't mentally cope with the mental pressure as my world was falling down all around me.

 

I didn't handle it well and I didn't cover myself in glory, especially at the end, and it seems like your MM is the same. I regret it now and wish I'd had the capacity to handle it better and more kindly. With the passage of time, your MM probably will too. He will look back with sadness at how he has treated important people in his life, including you.

 

Just keep doing what you are doing chuff. You are on the right road and you are amazing!

 

Keep posting. J

[LostIsMe]

Chuffed,

I'm extremely impressed and even more so, envious of your strength. I am the other man who left my wife after D-day so that it would open the door to be with my AP. A year later, many promises by her saying she was leaving, things have just become so overbearingly toxic. I've acted way out of character because every day that passes that she stays, I lose a piece of myself and any sense of security or stability. My life has been a cluster *** since all this happened. So recently it has ended once again.

 

I feel like I believed she was the one. I waited for what I thought was the one and every time this cycle repeats itself it gets worse. I don't know what to believe anymore. My wife (whom I'm separated from) have been getting along better than ever which is weird. But anyway, this is definitely an addiction and addictions are no joke. So far for me it's day 2 of NC and I'm doing ok. Actually kinda fine but I have my moments where I want to contact her. I removed the app we used to talk so I won't see anything. I made every attempt to be with her and it wasn't enough so why do I... Why do we want someone like that in our lives? They don't love us. They love what they get from us without having to sacrifice anything to get that from us. It's disgusting actually.

 

I cheated and lied to my wife and I'm not innocent but to lead someone on like this for so long and play with your mind so that they can fill missing pieces in their lives is disgusting.... That is not someone I want to he with and not someone I could ever trust. I wish I convinced myself of this before and I hope I can stay convinced. I'm going to flow this thread for inspiration. Thank you for sharing. You give me hope that I can do this.

 

We've gone a week max so 8 think once that mark hits one of us is going to want to crack and break no contact. It's not gonna be me because if I do and 8 get rejected it's going to hurt me worse. If she does and I reject (ignore) her.... That's exactly what I want. It's a mind game and I have to play it better than than her. I can move on with my life... She can't.....

 

Hell, even when things were a little better I've been rethinking a lot of things and sometimes I think maybe my wife and I could reconcile. But I'm not gonna go there with her.. Not while I'm in this mental state.

 

Anyway... Keep going... For you... And for me! I need a good kick in the ass.

[privategal]

Chuffed,

I'm extremely impressed and even more so, envious of your strength. I am the other man who left my wife after D-day so that it would open the door to be with my AP. A year later, many promises by her saying she was leaving, things have just become so overbearingly toxic. I've acted way out of character because every day that passes that she stays, I lose a piece of myself and any sense of security or stability. My life has been a cluster *** since all this happened. So recently it has ended once again.

 

I feel like I believed she was the one. I waited for what I thought was the one and every time this cycle repeats itself it gets worse. I don't know what to believe anymore. My wife (whom I'm separated from) have been getting along better than ever which is weird. But anyway, this is definitely an addiction and addictions are no joke. So far for me it's day 2 of NC and I'm doing ok. Actually kinda fine but I have my moments where I want to contact her. I removed the app we used to talk so I won't see anything. I made every attempt to be with her and it wasn't enough so why do I... Why do we want someone like that in our lives? They don't love us. They love what they get from us without having to sacrifice anything to get that from us. It's disgusting actually.

 

I cheated and lied to my wife and I'm not innocent but to lead someone on like this for so long and play with your mind so that they can fill missing pieces in their lives is disgusting.... That is not someone I want to he with and not someone I could ever trust. I wish I convinced myself of this before and I hope I can stay convinced. I'm going to flow this thread for inspiration. Thank you for sharing. You give me hope that I can do this.

 

We've gone a week max so 8 think once that mark hits one of us is going to want to crack and break no contact. It's not gonna be me because if I do and 8 get rejected it's going to hurt me worse. If she does and I reject (ignore) her.... That's exactly what I want. It's a mind game and I have to play it better than than her. I can move on with my life... She can't.....

 

Hell, even when things were a little better I've been rethinking a lot of things and sometimes I think maybe my wife and I could reconcile. But I'm not gonna go there with her.. Not while I'm in this mental state.

 

Anyway... Keep going... For you... And for me! I need a good kick in the ass.

 

Best advice...STOP playing the game.

There is no game, you were the loser (and I mean this in the kindest way possible) from the start.

You were the fantasy and escape...she diesnt want to lose her home she set up, her finances, her social standing.

She wanted love sex and affection ON THE SIDE.

IF she was gonna leave she would have.

Either break NC or ignore to "play the game" or 'win' the ultimate Hand by FOLDING!

YOu layed your cards on the table when you left your marriage to be with her.

She saw she coukd fence sit, or stay in her comfy set up and you would KEEP being there while she stays put.

Pull the plug...move on, she had her time...let go and let her dwell in her marriage and you live the best rest of your life free, or date, or reconcile...but you get one life...this is wasting the best years of your LIFE. How many more days and peices of you are you willing to lose? A woman will move mountains for love...she fears finances, social standing and reputation, losing her home, her nest, her childrens respect, family holidays and dinner.

Her marriage isnt bad. You have to end it...shes fine where she is and you are her extra sex, entertainment, attention, ego strokes...but her family gets her time, cooking, vacation and holiday...you get leftover, secret rushed time and no commitment.

Edited April 20, 2016 by privategal

[LostIsMe]

That is awesome advice and don't worry I'm not offended at all. Perfectly said and all true. It sucks to realize or hear that's all I was to her but if she were that unhappy she would have left.

[stilltrying16]

So I said that if he did stop by, I'd tell his wife.

 

His initial response: "That's gay."

 

wth??? How is that even a response?

 

Love this....hey, did you ever figure out wtf he meant?Was he saying "okay" but so choked up it came out "gay"?

And then an hour later (2:30 am): "Honestly tell me that you wouldn't want to meet for coffee...no strings attached...and just shoot the bull and catch up. Honestly."

 

Oh he said "honestly." Well then. How can you doubt him after that? And he said it twice? What are you waiting for, Chuff?

 

I just don't even care anymore. I'm worn out.

 

He's self employed so he could stop by at any time. But that doesn't mean I have to open the door.

 

No you don't! You are a funny lady, Chuff. I like the way you think. He messed with the wrong girl.

 

 

 

He didn't stop by yesterday after all. Thank goodness.

 

I don't know if this bunny means what I think it means, but I'm using it to say yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! You made him nervous imo. Maybe he realized he's not as slick as he thinks he is. More bunnies for ya! :bunny: :bunny:

 

Also, last night was the first night he hasn't sent any pathetic emails fishing for a bite. Perhaps my threat about telling his wife did the trick. Time will tell, but I'm feeling SO much better.

 

:snort:

 

Every day I feel another chainlink drop off of me. I can actually taste the freedom from this addiction. Now I understand why so many of us choose to stay in the addiction cycle - breaking it is hard work and the hurt doesn't go away overnight!

 

Chuff, I bow to you. You've got this.

[ladydesigner]

Dangit. You were right. As usual. I wish I had waited until this morning to reply...or not reply.

 

So I said that if he did stop by, I'd tell his wife.

 

His initial response: "That's gay."

 

wth??? How is that even a response?

 

And then an hour later (2:30 am): "Honestly tell me that you wouldn't want to meet for coffee...no strings attached...and just shoot the bull and catch up. Honestly."

 

I just don't even care anymore. I'm worn out.

 

He's self employed so he could stop by at any time. But that doesn't mean I have to open the door.

 

He sounds very entitled. I'm happy you said what you did. Probably scared the shyte out of him. You actually made my day reading that.

[Ophelia25]

"Why do we want someone like that in our lives? They don't love us. They love what they get from us without having to sacrifice anything to get that from us. It's disgusting actually."

 

I'm going to read this over and over and hope it sinks in.

[LostIsMe]

Me too, Ophelia... Me too!

 

Sucks that we have to sit here and convince ourselves of the bull we have been fed. We as humans are amazing things, we adapt to anything but when it comes to love somehow we lose all Common sense.

 

Get a virus, immune system takes over

Get a bacteria infection, take a pill.

Cut deep, sew it up

Heart stops, zap it

Hearts weak, here is a new one

Oh you fell in love and got played for a fool ... Sorry, no cure for that. Come back in a year when the pain hopefully wears off.

Lol ..but not lol

[Chuff]

Well, that didn't take long. The emails started back up last night and he completely ignored/avoided my last response - about telling his wife if he showed up. As if nothing is wrong. He sent me a picture of their dog.

 

I had to laugh. I don't think I've met anyone as conflict avoidant as this guy.

 

And then he tried to take his power back?? (I think...I have no idea) by then sending me an email this morning saying, "Chill. I WILL refrain."

 

Whatever, dude.

 

Thank you all for your supportive comments!!!! They (and you) mean so much to me, and I can't tell you how much YOU guys make me stronger and more determined.

 

I promise you...I am NOT strong. If you could have seen me only a month ago, sleeping all day, and drinking at noon...

 

I'm still drinking way too much, but I enlisted an accountabuddy to set some parameters. I've slipped a couple of times, but it's getting better.

 

My husband (we're separated and waiting until the end of the year to officially divorce so we have time to get our health insurance stuff situated. WE've also given each other our blessing to date others...in case you missed all that earlier. ) is back in the area for a couple of weeks and I told him what was going on. He said that if XMM did show up at the house, he was going to intervene. Ummm...no. Thanks, but no. I'm not emotionally strong enough to deal with the fallout.

[Chuff]

(((Chuff)))

 

As an xMM, I recognise some of his behaviour in myself. Us MM do tend to make a big mess of it when the going gets tough. I spend a lot of time now cringing about things I did and said when I simply couldn't mentally cope with the mental pressure as my world was falling down all around me.

 

I didn't handle it well and I didn't cover myself in glory, especially at the end, and it seems like your MM is the same. I regret it now and wish I'd had the capacity to handle it better and more kindly. With the passage of time, your MM probably will too. He will look back with sadness at how he has treated important people in his life, including you.

 

Thanks Jenkins!! Nice to meet you, finally!

 

This helps immensely. I don't recognize him anymore and his behavior towards me is so hurtful. But it's also helping me to detach.

 

I think this is exactly what's going on with him - he cannot handle the mental pressure. There was a partial DDay - his W found out some, not all, of what had been going on. He's been lying to her, their MC and his IC ever since about the extent of things. That was the turning point for me and when I decided that I wasn't going to pick up where we left off once things calmed down a little.

 

It was one thing to "see where this goes" because things "felt so right" (ugh, the lies we tell ourselves) pre-DDay, but to make a decision with the eyes wide open, especially after a slap in the face of reality (her pain, his cowardice, my poor decision making) about continuing things?? No way.

[privategal]

Close your email.

[Chuff]

Close your email.

 

 

I spent an hour searching "how to forward certain emails for dummies" and figured it out. No more emails.

[Chuff]

Chuff, I bow to you. You've got this.

 

 

Your comments in italics absolutely cracked me up!!!

[Chuff]

So...the nightly emails have slowed down and there have been 2 non-consecutive nights where there were zero emails!

 

I figured out how to forward just his emails to a friend's email account, so I don't see them in my inbox anymore. But I asked her to tell me if/when they stop because I don't want my inherent curiosity to cause me in a weak moment to disable the forwarding.

 

When she told me there weren't any last night, I actually felt...sad. wth??? Isn't this what I've wanted?

 

I guess my heart still hasn't caught up to my head yet. I think the sadness comes from that I still had hope hidden in my heart that he would have an epiphany and choose me. So stupid. But so real.

 

Time to ride out another wave of pain. This is really, really hard.

 

Thanks for listening.

[privategal]

You went "NC" on 4/7...3 weeks later you've read his emails the whole time and you've only forwarded them yesterday and are already calling your friend to check them?

Let me help you wake up here...these are the words YOU posted my dear and this "sigh, guess my heart hasnt caught up with my head..." um yes, thats because you keep reading his bullsh#! Self serving emails and wont let go and get tough yourself. An email takes 15 seconds...this post will take me 15 seconds to write. 2 months Affair is not going to trump 20 years of marriage. He wants to ALWAYS stay married and get any ego or sexual needs met on the side while getting the SAME at home, please wake up Chuff, this is a dead end road...your like a free servant to him with no benefits. Closing the email means you do not allow this access to your heart..you dont care what he says..he is married, you will not be chosen and if he is discovered, Id suggest you read some of the recent posts of how it all goes down after that...see how much he loves and wants you then. I gotta be harsh here because your going no where in moving forward and healing. Your holding hope...you havvent even started greiving yet.

You said:

 

 

"I truly believe he thinks he loves me, but he just loves the way I make him feel"

 

"He's been married over 20 years, 3 adult children living at home. He sees himself as a family man, and he never once said he would leave his wife."

[Girlfromcali]

So...the nightly emails have slowed down and there have been 2 non-consecutive nights where there were zero emails!

 

I figured out how to forward just his emails to a friend's email account, so I don't see them in my inbox anymore. But I asked her to tell me if/when they stop because I don't want my inherent curiosity to cause me in a weak moment to disable the forwarding.

 

When she told me there weren't any last night, I actually felt...sad. wth??? Isn't this what I've wanted?

 

I guess my heart still hasn't caught up to my head yet. I think the sadness comes from that I still had hope hidden in my heart that he would have an epiphany and choose me. So stupid. But so real.

 

Time to ride out another wave of pain. This is really, really hard.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

That's normal. Let me tell you, I STILL have hope after a year. My heart hasn't caught up yet. But...I have NOT been in NC so there's that. You will have much quicker healing if you don't break NC. (Just your daily reminder )

[Grapesofwrath]

So...the nightly emails have slowed down and there have been 2 non-consecutive nights where there were zero emails!

 

I figured out how to forward just his emails to a friend's email account, so I don't see them in my inbox anymore. But I asked her to tell me if/when they stop because I don't want my inherent curiosity to cause me in a weak moment to disable the forwarding.

 

When she told me there weren't any last night, I actually felt...sad. wth??? Isn't this what I've wanted?

 

I guess my heart still hasn't caught up to my head yet. I think the sadness comes from that I still had hope hidden in my heart that he would have an epiphany and choose me. So stupid. But so real.

 

Time to ride out another wave of pain. This is really, really hard.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

It's natural to feel grief. You are experiencing a loss. Actually, several losses. So grief and sadness are to be expected. It's okay. These are feelings, and they will pass in time, to be replaced by other feelings of accomplishment and relief. Think about what is good in your life. If nothing else, you are free now. Free to live a life of integrity and authenticity, out in the open.

 

I encourage you to move away from the idea that he had a choice to make between you and his wife and he chose her. This concept creates a false competition in which you feel like "a loser." This was never a competition. This was an illicit relationship entered into by someone who intentionally deceives the one person who should trust him most in order to gratify his own needs and desires. His needs trump your needs every time. Whatever the state of his marriage, a real man would address those issues without involving a third party in some covert, duplicitous sideshow. He would face it head on.

 

When my xMM would say that he could never leave his wife and family because "he made a committment to that other relationship" I wish I had said, "Did that committment involve sleeping with other women? I'm pretty confident you committed to not doing that, but I guess only some committments matter."

 

You have every reason to avoid this person and erase him from your life. You are doing it. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, though.

[Chuff]

[quote=privategal;6876774 Your holding hope...you havvent even started greiving yet.

 

 

 

True. My counselor has suggested several times that I pick up a book about grieving. I haven't yet. I will this weekend. Any recommendations?

Edited April 22, 2016 by Chuff
Context

[Chuff]

That's normal. Let me tell you, I STILL have hope after a year. My heart hasn't caught up yet. But...I have NOT been in NC so there's that. You will have much quicker healing if you don't break NC. (Just your daily reminder )

 

Thank you, GFC! It is a process, isn't it? I'm glad we're on this f*cked up journey together. Keep moving forward!

[Chuff]

It's natural to feel grief. You are experiencing a loss. Actually, several losses.

 

Several. Yes. I forget that. In addition to the ending of my marriage (which has got to be the most loving separation in history!) and the loss of a really good friend (prior to crossing over to EA), I also lost a parent less than a year ago.

[Chuff]

These are feelings, and they will pass in time, to be replaced by other feelings of accomplishment and relief. Think about what is good in your life. If nothing else, you are free now. Free to live a life of integrity and authenticity, out in the open.

 

 

Yes. Thank you for this reminder.

[Chuff]

 

I encourage you to move away from the idea that he had a choice to make between you and his wife and he chose her. This concept creates a false competition in which you feel like "a loser." This was never a competition. This was an illicit relationship entered into by someone who intentionally deceives the one person who should trust him most in order to gratify his own needs and desires. His needs trump your needs every time. Whatever the state of his marriage, a real man would address those issues without involving a third party in some covert, duplicitous sideshow. He would face it head on.

 

 

I never thought of it before like this - a false competition. You are so right. Thanks for the reminder that he's not a real man.

 

I'm feeling better this evening. I forced myself to go workout and I think that helped my serotonin levels.