Am I being cruel to be kind

[CRUEL TO BE KIND]

I am a 47 year old divorced man. As soon as I decided I wanted to get a divorce from my ex, and had filed for divorce, I went looking on some dating sites, and found someone almost immediately. I spoke with my current girlfriend every day for 3 hours a day for about 3 months until my divorce was finalized. She is only 26 and lived across the country from me. We had many discussions about why she would want to have a relationship with someone who could be her father, and also had many discussions about why she would want to leave her party-life to join a very quiet, relatively small-town lifestyle that I enjoyed. Even though I still had reservations about her explanations, we still ended up meeting 3 days after my divorce was finalized. She moved to be with me, and we basically have been together since. The problem is that, as almost everyone will tell you, and something that I now realize, it really is not a good idea to get seriously involved immediately after, or even within the first year after a divorce. During the year that we have been together, what I thought I wanted in life has dramatically changed. I went from thinking that I wanted to get remarried, to thinking that I really do not think I want to get married. I went from thinking that I wouldnt mind having children, to thinking that I definitely do not want anymore children (I have one adopted son). My new desires directly conflict with my girlfriends desire to get married, and have children. The most serious problem in our relationship is that after a year of being together, I still am not in love with her, while she has told me on many occasions that she loves me. Many of the explanations that my girlfriend gave me about why she wanted to leave her party-filled life to be with someone over 20 years older no longer have credibility in my mind. I do not think my girlfriend purposefully lied, but I believe she either convinced herself into believing things. For example she said the reason that she partied so much in the past, is that she was basically trying to compensate for not having that someone special to be with. Wel on several occassions she has chosen not to spend the night with me, so that she can go out with her newly made friends to go clubbing. I believe the rationale for her desiring a relationship with an older man is that she is looking for the emotional, financial security that I provide.

 

This brings me to the meat of my issue. I enjoy her company. I have been truthful with her and have told her that I do not believe that I want to get married or have children in the future. I have also told her that I am not in love with her, and I do not know why. I have had quite some frustration with her over issues of her lack of employment, or lack of any productive activity. Despite her proclamations from the beginning of our relationship that she wanted to work, after one year she still has not been employed for a single day. I pay for everything including her car payments, insurance payments, tickets, perfume clothes, etc etc etc. Her spending went through the roof on luxury items from a couple of thousand per month til the point where she spent over 8 thousand in one month. At that point I put her on an allowance of 2 thousand per month for luxury items. Believe it or not, I really have little interest in sex with her, and she has had a very healthly sexual appetite . She is a very pretty girl, but she has put on weight in the past year to the point that it really has afffected my attraction to her. Despite my encouragement for her to begin exercising regularly (like I do), after a year this has not occurred. I guess at this point it appears to me that she is basically a companion to me. I have no interest in dating others, or getting married. Knowing her desires in life, I have made it clear to her that I do not think I can fulfill her future desires. I do not know if I am doing her a favor by not telling her to leave.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She's using you, and you don't love her. Unless you want to keep playing 'Sugar Daddy' to this girl, you will have to cut her loose. Get yourself out now before you are in over your head. Make it as swift as possible: the last thing you want is her using a long drawn-out breakup as a platform for emotional blackmail, or worse - she 'accidentally' gets pregnant. Yes, there are women out there who will use men. There are women out there who will use children to trap the men, should the men decide to take off. Don't let yourself be one of these men.

 

She probably has become so accustomed to her 'lifestyle' with you that it isn't too likely that she is going to give that up for you out of love that she doesn't feel for you. Why would she trade in a cushy free ride for just companionship? I can't imagine any circumstances where she would agree to stay with you, if her spending money were cut off and she were forced to get a job. What would she gain out of the situation by staying as a companion to a man who doesn't love her and who is losing attraction for her - and moreover doesn't pay for any of her expenses? If she did stay, it wouldn't be long before she left on her own accord - probably right into the arms of another Sugar Daddy.

 

You will want to consider someone more of a companion and less of a leech in the future: a like-minded woman who is self-sufficient and chooses to be with you, rather than making you pay for the privilege of being used.

 

Or.. stay with this girl. But know this: you are basically just a meal ticket to her - a free ride. By letting her stay, you are doing her a financial favor - but you aren't doing yourself one unless you happen to enjoy supporting her while she does literally nothing to support herself. If you doubt the 'free ride' thing, cut off her spending money and put her on a deadline for getting a job. Tell her that she has to start paying rent and her share of the bills. I think you'll find pretty quickly that what you have on your hands is a live-in prostitute who is only interested in taking, and not giving.

[Bubbles]

Well said LB! Very well said!!!

 

CRUEL TO BE KIND..........sounds as thoug you would know EVERY word to that song.......maybe you had better take its' advice then? I too am a child of the 70's era......you hit the nail right on the head with this one.

 

You know what is going on in your life. You know you made a mistake and you are going to have to let her out of your life. You should spend some time on your own, get to know yourself again. Re-create yourself if you will.

 

 

bubbles

[midori]

You're emerging from a difficult period in your life, and you've realized that during that time you made some choices that weren't right for you in the long run. This girlfriend being Exhibit #1.

 

I agree that she's using you, and rather blatantly -- although she's probably not able to see it that way. You shouldn't expect her to see that this will be better for either of you in the long run; it's much easier for her if things remain as they are. She sounds like someone who's able to convince herself that what is convenient for her at the time is really what she wants/needs -- you mentioned that yourself when you said that she probably wasn't deliberately lying to you about why she used to party all the time, that was probably the rationalization she used to justify past & present behaviors & choices. Some people are very very good at distorting the truth and believing their distortions.

 

Cruel? I don't think you'd be cruel to end the relationship. Yes, it will be terribly inconvenient for her, and will cause considerable, but temporary, pain. She has convinced herself that she's in love with you, because she needs to be in love with you to justify living off you (in some style, it would appear!). The prospect of losing you and your bounty will be very alarming to her, and she'll probably interpret that as heartbreak -- even though most of her turmoil may be about getting booted off the gravy train. It'll be easier for her to see herself as a heartbroken woman than as a lazy, greedy woman, and it'll be easier for her to get sympathy from others as a heartbroken woman. So it'll be in her interest to make you feel as if you're being cruel. But you're not. You've been honest with her.

 

It sounds like you can afford to throw a bit of money at her to ease her transition back to real life where she supports herself. If you can afford a two-thousand dollar a month luxury allowance for her (!!!), could you afford a "severance package" of double or thrice that? It'll soften the blow and perhaps make her a bit less inclined to panic about losing everything, immediately, that she gained when she hooked up with you. Make it clear that the relationship is over and make it so that accepting that nicely and calmly will net her something. Obviously you wouldn't put it to her in such cold, calculating terms. But if you tell her that you want to make sure she'll be all right until she gets a job and re-establishes an independent life for herself, giving her some money won't look like you're just trying to buy her off (although that's basically what you'd be doing -- giving her some money to get her out of your hair). But at the same time, don't let her guilt you into giving more, and don't allow her to hold the impression that she can always come back for more. Don't let her think you'll always be happy to give her money, or worse, that you'll always owe her.

 

To be honest this doesn't sound like it's a healthy relationship for her -- it's allowed her to be completely irresponsible on many fronts regarding her own well-being. She's never going to see it that way -- or at least not that she'd ever admit to you. But don't see this as cruelty on your part.

[guestww]

Only you can look out for you. Please don't stay with someone out of guilt or to make them happy so you don't hurt them. It isn't fair to you, or to your girlfriend. Don't ever settle for someone if you're not inlove with them.