What's the deal with opposite sex bffs?

[bagelsandlox]

My almost 4 year relationship with my bf has always been good, except for one seemingly huge detail...his close female friend. Though they've known each other a bit longer than we have known one another, they weren't ever as close as they have been recently, partially considering they lost touch for an entire year.

 

Considering they both have had feelings for each other in the past, that's my 1st reason for concern. But worse, she is in love with my bf and after him to the point where she would love to replace me. I don't even know where to start. According to my bf, she basically hates me, dislikes the sound of my name. We don't hang out as a threesome, the two of them hang out about once a week on her day off and it's all day as if he's our child and have separate custody of him. She follows no boundaries that I would expect a respectful friend to. She texts my bf all day every day, buys him inappropriately expensive gifts (Christmas: $300 Bose headphones, really?!), asks him to go with her to work parties/her friend's bdays (like you would ask your SO) and just overall ignores that I exist. She even writes outright notes about him on her blog (Wish I could hold you, I think we were supposed to be but did it wrong, I'm sorry I love you). Basically, she treats him like her man. Lately, they've been getting into frequent fights over similar things: how she feels he doesn't care about her enough, he doesn't call enough, he doesn't text her back in a timely enough fashion, etc.

 

Most recently, my bf and I went to our city's car show. I know my bf is passionate of cars, so it was a relatively special experience for us. A few days later, on her day off, she asked him to go again with her, knowing he had just gone with me..tell me if I'm crazy, did I have a right to be upset? He said she explained she wanted to go not bc she loves cars but solely to experience his passion with him. Well he did...with me, but somehow I guess that didn't count because it wasn't with her?

 

For a long time now, I have been biting my tongue, but lately it's coming to a breaking point. This girl makes me seethe, but I have accepted that he is friends with her, whereas she does not accept me. I don't probe about their daily conversations, or voice anger when they spend the entire day together, which to me is my way of being respectful of their relationship for the sake of the person I love. IMO, if she really cared about my boyfriend, she would recognize that he is in a happy relationship with me and respect what we have by realizing he has less time for her since he's committed to me, by realizing it's not ok to call him 4 times while she knows he's spending time with me the very next day after hanging out! It's not like I'm telling him they can't hang out or ever talk or can only hang out in groups, which I know others might resort to.

 

Does she owe me respect or my relationship with him respect if she's a true friend with good intentions? Is it reasonable for me to thing she's coming between us? Even if she is in love with him, she's not blatantly stealing him away, so how big of a problem is this? Honestly if I were him, I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldnt want my relationship with my close friend to negatively affect my romantic relationship, but it's not like I could bring myself to just cut contact with my friend.

[thecharade]

She would not be causing a problem if he wasn't allowing it. He allows her to talk about you disrespectfully. He allows you to be upset and insecure. He allows two women to fight over him. (LOL. Encourages it!)

 

So, HE does not care how hurt or upset or disrespected you are. Why are you staying with him? He does not care about you or your feelings. Please, at least respect yourself by getting out of this mess!

 

Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.

[Satu]

You boyfriend is disrespecting you.

 

Massively.

[mrs rubble]

Agree with the above.

If any friend puts my man down or calls him names behind his back, they hear about it from me and lose my respect.

Would you allow others to put your man down? If not why do you put up with him allowing it from her?

I think he desrves to be with the cow who has loose morals.

[AlexDream]

My almost 4 year relationship with my bf has always been good, except for one seemingly huge detail...his close female friend. Though they've known each other a bit longer than we have known one another, they weren't ever as close as they have been recently, partially considering they lost touch for an entire year.

 

Considering they both have had feelings for each other in the past, that's my 1st reason for concern. But worse, she is in love with my bf and after him to the point where she would love to replace me. I don't even know where to start. According to my bf, she basically hates me, dislikes the sound of my name. We don't hang out as a threesome, the two of them hang out about once a week on her day off and it's all day as if he's our child and have separate custody of him. She follows no boundaries that I would expect a respectful friend to. She texts my bf all day every day, buys him inappropriately expensive gifts (Christmas: $300 Bose headphones, really?!), asks him to go with her to work parties/her friend's bdays (like you would ask your SO) and just overall ignores that I exist. She even writes outright notes about him on her blog (Wish I could hold you, I think we were supposed to be but did it wrong, I'm sorry I love you). Basically, she treats him like her man. Lately, they've been getting into frequent fights over similar things: how she feels he doesn't care about her enough, he doesn't call enough, he doesn't text her back in a timely enough fashion, etc.

 

Most recently, my bf and I went to our city's car show. I know my bf is passionate of cars, so it was a relatively special experience for us. A few days later, on her day off, she asked him to go again with her, knowing he had just gone with me..tell me if I'm crazy, did I have a right to be upset? He said she explained she wanted to go not bc she loves cars but solely to experience his passion with him. Well he did...with me, but somehow I guess that didn't count because it wasn't with her?

 

For a long time now, I have been biting my tongue, but lately it's coming to a breaking point. This girl makes me seethe, but I have accepted that he is friends with her, whereas she does not accept me. I don't probe about their daily conversations, or voice anger when they spend the entire day together, which to me is my way of being respectful of their relationship for the sake of the person I love. IMO, if she really cared about my boyfriend, she would recognize that he is in a happy relationship with me and respect what we have by realizing he has less time for her since he's committed to me, by realizing it's not ok to call him 4 times while she knows he's spending time with me the very next day after hanging out! It's not like I'm telling him they can't hang out or ever talk or can only hang out in groups, which I know others might resort to.

 

Does she owe me respect or my relationship with him respect if she's a true friend with good intentions? Is it reasonable for me to thing she's coming between us? Even if she is in love with him, she's not blatantly stealing him away, so how big of a problem is this? Honestly if I were him, I wouldn't know what to do. I wouldnt want my relationship with my close friend to negatively affect my romantic relationship, but it's not like I could bring myself to just cut contact with my friend.

 

Well, firstly don't stop their communication - remember, the forbidden fruit is sweet.

 

Secondly, believe me, considering this:

 

She texts my bf all day every day, buys him inappropriately expensive gifts (Christmas: $300 Bose headphones, really?!), asks him to go with her to work parties/her friend's bdays (like you would ask your SO) and just overall ignores that I exist.

 

she is going to annoy him very soon. So don't worry - let time makes it for you.

 

 

As for your BF he likes being 'a prize' in this triangle. He enjoys your fight because he is the king in this situation. Your main task is to spoil this game. How?

 

1. Again. Don't disturb them. There is no other girlfriend. Just ignore her. Let her annoy your BF.

2. If you go out together and he wants to invite his gf with you just say calmly: 'What a great idea, sure, invite her! I'll invite my friend too - it's gonna be fun!' and invite any other bf you have (no matter how attractive he would be).

3. Stay calm. He'll try to unbalance you but you mustn't react! Just enjoy how smart you are.

[sandylee1]

Your BF is allowing her to speak this way about you. I'm sorry but what kind of guy hangs out with a female friend who wants him and hates his GF.

 

I think he likes being in the middle of it all and likes that she has the hots for him.

 

Can you imagine if you guys have a tiff and he tells her ... yeah she'd be all over him if she isn't already.

 

What stops him from saying "this is who I choose to be with and you need to accept that and be respectful towards her or our friendship has to end"

 

At this point he's just as bad, if not worse for not shutting that crap down in a heartbeat.

 

If you reversed this situation how happy do you think he'd feel? You hanging out with a guy who hates his guts.

 

I don't know how old you both are, but this is not a man I'd ever be able to rely on or believe that he had my back.

 

Why is this acceptable to you and what are you going to do about it?

[mikeylo]

He is not bf material. He will not be faithful to you. However hard it is , you've got to get up and leave his azz

[Space Ritual]

He said she explained she wanted to go not bc she loves cars but solely to experience his passion with him.

 

What?

 

LOL

 

I can be really lame at times when dealing with females but I've never been that lame.

 

Let me ask you something. If one of your friends told you that with a straight face would you not laugh and tell them to dump the other person as soon as possible.

 

 

I'm sorry but that right there is indicative oh how much he values you as a girlfriend. You have basically wasted 4 years of your life with this fool. It's not this other woman that's the problem, it's your boyfriend. Get rid of him or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

 

Please understand that this woman could have been ANY woman. We guys don't generally allow ourselves to have such lame explanations of our friendships unless we've dipped our pen in the ink well..KWIM?

 

Get rid of him!