keeping no contact

[jelly123]

so I've read a few books about getting your ex back, and they all seem to recommend about a month of not initiating contact. You don't want to be too needy. To me it seemed like playing games, and I wasn't able to do it for several months, anyway. I messed up a lot. As in, my ex is a doorman at a bar and i got drunk, climbed up on a bench (he is over a foot taller than me) and kissed him. Other times, after he finally told me where he lived after explicitly telling me he didn't want me to know because he was afraid I'd show up to his apartment unannounced--I showed up there unannounced and begged him to come back. He pretended to call the cops on me (I don't think he actually did, because I waited and they never showed up, but who knows). That's how toxic it was.

 

I tried to do things to take my mind off him. I went on dates. I went out with really supportive co-workers. I worked in the yard and built a patio. None of it worked for very long. Anytime I hooked up with other people, instead of making me forget him it only made me miss him more. This sounds dramatic, but it made me really upset to be with someone else in an intimate way.

 

So the strategy that seemed to finally work was--and this is not something I'm proud of--I relentlessly stalked his facebook until I figured out that he might be seeing someone (shocker) and told myself, that's it. He's moved on. He's happy, and I want him to be happy because I really do love him. I don't hate him. I don't want him to hurt like I was hurting. We broke up for a lot of reasons, and certainly many of them were my fault. Obviously we stress each other out.

 

I dropped all of his stuff off that i could carry and kicked him off my netflix account. I started dating someone--but did it properly rather than with a "hook-up" mentality. But things still aren't really clicking with this new guy. And that's ok. I've got exercise classes and all kinds of activities lined up to keep myself preoccupied, because I finally, after ten months, went three weeks without talking to my ex. I want to keep it that way. I found that the longer I kept it up, the easier it got.

 

BUT...the no contact was successful and he finally texted me, seeing if he could look around for any stuff he had left behind so he can pick them up when he moves in with a new roommate in May (he says with a bro of his that I know, but I wonder). He left some tools, a desk, chairs, speakers, his cat, AND his dog, etc. You'd think he wouldn't need to check, it's not like those are going anywhere fast. Or else it had nothing to do with the no contact and he just wants to plan for his move. Either way, he came over. He teased me some, played with our dog, gave me a hug. I told him I was proud of him for finishing school (he had about a year left when we broke up), and he left. We didn't talk about our relationship or its demise. It was sort of great. So great that I'm having a really hard time keeping up with the no contact. So are there any foolproof strategies?? Not even necessarily with the hopes of getting him back, but just of keeping myself sane so that I leave him alone?

More importantly, once he takes his stuff (probably he'll leave the dog, let's be honest), and he doesn't have a reason to come back here, how do I keep leaving him alone--knowing that in all likelihood I might never see him again?

[MachineGunFunk]

Relationships are about willpower, trust and life. There are no shortcuts to life of course. I'd say just don't think about him now you know he probably doesn't even care.

[PegNosePete]

So are there any foolproof strategies??

For what? Getting your ex back? No. There is no secret trick, no magic phrase, no potion you can drink, to get an ex back. Throw away the books and delete the internet articles because they don't work. The only way he will come back to you, is if he wants to come back to you. Free will, and all that, you know. And after the way you've acted, completely disrespecting his wishes, he's extremely unlikely to ever want you back.

 

More importantly, once he takes his stuff (probably he'll leave the dog, let's be honest), and he doesn't have a reason to come back here, how do I keep leaving him alone--knowing that in all likelihood I might never see him again?

You just do it. How do you give up smoking or drinking or gambling? You go cold turkey. Delete his number. BLOCK him on facebook and all other social media. Do not contact him in any way whatsoever and do not respond if he contacts you. Do not talk about him to friends or family. To you, he doesn't exist any longer.

[Satu]

You do it by exercising willpower and self-discipline.

 

Thats all there is.

 

Its hard, but you can do it.

 

 

Take care.

[BC1980]

You basically have to resign yourself to the fact that you won't be together. The big problem is that you couldn't keep NC for more than 3 weeks, so you always had him on your mind. You were always seeing/hearing the triggers. So you never even gave yourself a chance to move on. NC takes willpower, and it's up to you. The only "tricks" are blocking numbers and removing from social media.

[d0nnivain]

You put strategies in place. You have a BFF you can call instead of calling or texting him. You come here & post on LS instead of sending him stuff. You start a new exercise routine to burn energy. You rearrange your living space to block out memories of him. You box up all the stuff he ever gave you (Except the pets) and put them away or throw them out. If the pets are too much of a reminder you re-home them. In the short term you sanitize him from your life.

[overseas2004]

There is no way for any of us to know if he came over to see you or really get his stuff. One thing is for sure though .... if you keep contacting him you will drive him off or end up in jail and certainly will have no self respect.

 

I am glad that you have demonstrated some ability to get yourself together and that you are finally getting some self control. Without that you won't ever be successful in a relationship.

 

Don't throw away the books. They all talk about not being so needy and living your own life. You need to learn that lesson and if you do get the chance to get him back, you will only do that by not being needy anymore.

 

Good luck... let us know what happens.