Sexting and cheating

[StephenRog1453]

Hello everyone, I hope this is the right forum to post in. My story is kind of long, but I'm in need of some help.

 

To begin, I am currently 7 months into my first serious relationship. About 2 months ago, I ended up sexting with a random girl off the internet (that lives across the country). At the time I didn't think it was cheating, but after the fact my guilt started eating at me. I started out talking to the girl because she was having issues with her life and I was just giving her advice. After I sexted with her (about a week after first talking to her) I cut contact because I felt I needed to talk with my gf and set boundaries.

 

Shortly after me and my gf were having a discussion on what constitutes as cheating (I initiated the conversation). Apparently she has been talking to two guys that she used to sext with before our relationship began (that she has met in real life). She also told me that the day after we became official (and exclusive) that she sexted one of them because he asked.

 

Now I couldn't care less about this. I only think being physical or taking attention away from the SO is cheating.

 

When I told her what I did, it surprised her, but she said she doesn't think that is cheating either.

She said she only thinks it is cheating when it is always the same person and it becomes a habit. She said she doesn't see doing it every month or 2 isn't cheating.

 

After this conversation, a day later she told me she wanted me to block this girl. She also said she wanted me to quit talking to girls outside of my classes. I told her I will if she would block the guys and she was extremely hesitant, saying it is different because they have history and that she only sexted one of them at the beginning of the relationship.

 

I told her that she can not apply that double standard to me, and that if she wanted me to quit talking to this girl, that she has to cut her guys off too.

 

So she deleted the kik app and blocked their phone numbers. I told her to redownload Kik and block them like I did. She said she could not remember her info and that I was being paranoid. She tried to do the password recovery, but she wasnt getting the email for it. I told her that I wasn't being paranoid and that all we just discussed would be cheating from now on.

 

We will be moving in during the summer, and I am not sure if I should worry about her being unfaithful. When I did it, I could only keep it a secret for a week and I felt like garbage the entire time. When I told her I offered to completely block this person (and shown her that I already quit talking to her) on everything and I showed her that she was deleted and blocked afterward.

 

Now looking back on it, I guess I am having some trust issues. She kept that from me since day 1 and she had no intention of telling me or trying to make it right. I don't consider sexting as cheating, but the way she went about it seems sketchy. There is also the possibility that she hasn't quit (I've seen no evidence that she has been though) and that I am now restricted from it.

 

I talked to her just yesterday about logging into Kik again, and she brushed it off and jokingly said she doesn't want to hear about it again.

 

Personally, I want one of the two outcomes. I want her to either get into her Kik and show me that they are deleted or blocked, or I want to able to talk to the girl I was from before. Is this sensible?

[PegNosePete]

I am not sure if I should worry about her being unfaithful.

Yes you should worry very much. Her double standards and hypocrisy speak for themselves. She wanted to carry on sexting whilst disallowing you from doing the same. Then she gave you some obviously bogus excuses about not remembering her password and not being able to do the recovery. If you believe this story then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

Now looking back on it, I guess I am having some trust issues.

No you're not. You're having some very reasonable and justified doubts about her trustworthiness.

 

Personally, I want one of the two outcomes. I want her to either get into her Kik and show me that they are deleted or blocked, or I want to able to talk to the girl I was from before. Is this sensible?

It is sensible to want one of those things but it is not realistic. Even if she does show you that they are deleted or blocked, what's to stop her re-adding them? Or using another method of communication? Especially since she now knows that you're watching her like a hawk, she will go into stealthy ninja mode and hide it all from you.

 

I would end it. She clearly is trying to pull the wool over your eyes and is lying to your face. Even if sexting others is not a deal-breaker for you... surely lying is?

[StephenRog1453]

Yes you should worry very much. Her double standards and hypocrisy speak for themselves. She wanted to carry on sexting whilst disallowing you from doing the same. Then she gave you some obviously bogus excuses about not remembering her password and not being able to do the recovery. If you believe this story then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

 

No you're not. You're having some very reasonable and justified doubts about her trustworthiness.

 

 

It is sensible to want one of those things but it is not realistic. Even if she does show you that they are deleted or blocked, what's to stop her re-adding them? Or using another method of communication? Especially since she now knows that you're watching her like a hawk, she will go into stealthy ninja mode and hide it all from you.

 

I would end it. She clearly is trying to pull the wool over your eyes and is lying to your face. Even if sexting others is not a deal-breaker for you... surely lying is?

 

First of all, thank you for replying, I appreciate the help.

 

From what she told me, she did not sext with them after the first day. It has only been talking since then.

 

I do not want to end it because I am going to be a bit dependent on her during the summer.

 

I don't think she is lying, but I know I cannot be objective in this situation. I just don't want to accuse her of anything if she is telling me the truth.

[hippychick3]

I guarantee you she will do it again. She feels no remorse and doesn't see it as wrong. She will do it again and probably not tell you.

 

It's up to you to decide if that's acceptable to you.

 

Btw, I think sexting is cheating. I wouldn't consider doing it while in my relationship. And it would be a deal breaker if I found out my partner was doing it.

[StephenRog1453]

I guarantee you she will do it again. She feels no remorse and doesn't see it as wrong. She will do it again and probably not tell you.

 

It's up to you to decide if that's acceptable to you.

 

Btw, I think sexting is cheating. I wouldn't consider doing it while in my relationship. And it would be a deal breaker if I found out my partner was doing it.

 

If she's lying, its not acceptable. I forgot to mention that both of her parents are cheating on each other, so that is not setting the greatest example for her.

 

I don't want to breakup over something she hasn't done though. I am going to talk to her tonight about getting her to get logged back in her account.

 

I guess I just want reassurance that its okay for me to keep talking to her about it, and that I'm not being crazy over something that is not a big deal.

[hippychick3]

If she's lying, its not acceptable. I forgot to mention that both of her parents are cheating on each other, so that is not setting the greatest example for her.

 

I don't want to breakup over something she hasn't done though. I am going to talk to her tonight about getting her to get logged back in her account.

 

I guess I just want reassurance that its okay for me to keep talking to her about it, and that I'm not being crazy over something that is not a big deal.

 

It is a big deal. The problem is that she doesn't see it as a big deal and is likely to keep any future sexting hidden. She's not the least bit sympathetic to your concerns.

 

I'm not saying to break up, but I'd be VERY wary about progressing the relationship and trusting her.

[StephenRog1453]

Well, after hounding her for 15 minutes I convinced her to try again. It took her like 30 minutes to reset her password, and she showed me her blocking one of the the guys. I asked about the other one and she said she already did it.

 

I guess now I'll just have to keep my eyes open.

[smackie9]

Wow if you have to "keep your eyes open" that means there is no trust. And to stay in a relationship because you will be financially dependent on them is wrong. I feel you still have A LOT to learn what it means, and what it takes to have a rock solid committed relationship.

[StephenRog1453]

Wow if you have to "keep your eyes open" that means there is no trust. And to stay in a relationship because you will be financially dependent on them is wrong. I feel you still have A LOT to learn what it means, and what it takes to have a rock solid committed relationship.

 

Are you saying that I should stay oblivious? And I'm not financially dependent on her. Me and her are just getting into a living arrangement that would make things super complicated if we broke up.

 

And yes, this is only my second relationship, and my first one was on the abusive side.

[elaine567]

And yes, this is only my second relationship, and my first one was on the abusive side.

 

And this one isn't much better is it?

Why are going to be living with a woman you cannot trust.

Of course sexting is cheating, it is only not cheating to those who want to justify doing it.

[StephenRog1453]

And this one isn't much better is it?

Why are going to be living with a woman you cannot trust.

Of course sexting is cheating, it is only not cheating to those who want to justify doing it.

 

Actually, its much better. I'm happy with this relationship. And I never said I don't trust her, I said I am just going to be aware of any suspicious behavior and not be blind to it like I feel a lot of people are. She's not really the kind of person to cheat, I think the whole problem is that we should've set boundaries earlier.

 

And I think its up to me to define what cheating is in my relationship. We both didn't have a discussion about what was off limits before, so no harm was intended or done. Now we have both agreed that we should not be doing it anymore.

[smackie9]

Are you saying that I should stay oblivious? And I'm not financially dependent on her. Me and her are just getting into a living arrangement that would make things super complicated if we broke up.

 

And yes, this is only my second relationship, and my first one was on the abusive side.

No I mean you should get rid of her, and drop the "arrangement". Find different accommodations. What difference would it make?? what if she cheated on you tomorrow??? would you still carry on with the living arrangements? NO so you can get out of this is you wanted to. Your gut is telling things are not right....because they are not. But hey if you want to keep struggling with this then so be it. You don't learn anything unless you make mistakes along the way.

[Keke1]

Actually, its much better. I'm happy with this relationship. And I never said I don't trust her, I said I am just going to be aware of any suspicious behavior and not be blind to it like I feel a lot of people are. She's not really the kind of person to cheat, I think the whole problem is that we should've set boundaries earlier.

 

And I think its up to me to define what cheating is in my relationship. We both didn't have a discussion about what was off limits before, so no harm was intended or done. Now we have both agreed that we should not be doing it anymore.

 

You don't trust her man. If you did then you would've trusted that she blocked those guys.

[StephenRog1453]

You don't trust her man. If you did then you would've trusted that she blocked those guys.

 

What do you mean? She told me she didn't block them and that she deleted the app. All I wanted was for her to delete them and block them like she made me do.

[Keke1]

What do you mean? She told me she didn't block them and that she deleted the app. All I wanted was for her to delete them and block them like she made me do.

 

She deleted the app and you wanted her to open it back up because you don't trust her or you want to still talk to your friend? I mean if she blocked their numbers and deleted the app what's the problem? Why the need to block them when the app is deleted off the phone?