When a friend lets you down...

[ASG]

A friend let me down massively yesterday. He basically took me for granted and didn't respect me or my time. He has apologised for being a dick, but I'm still so angry and hurt I can't bring myself to forgive him and move on.

 

But at the same time, I don't want to end the friendship. We have a great time when we hang out. But on the other hand, it's not the first time he lets me down, although it was the worst offence.

 

Not sure that I'm looking for advice here... just needed to vent a bit... I haven't replied to his apology yet and not sure when I will... or what I'll say when I do...

[jen1447]

We need the juicy deets hon.

[Satu]

Can't say anything meaningful without some detail.

[ASG]

Ha!

 

Basically he called me kast night saying he was in the area and since we hadn't seen each oher in a while it would be nice to catch up. I didn't say yes straight because I had work early in the morning, but evebtually said yes. Got dressed. And no sign of him. Text him. Nothing. He texts a while later that he's playing pool... I started getting angry then... a while more passes and still no sign of him. I text again asking if he's still coming. He says yes, once he's finished, but not sure when... by this point I give up and go to bed. But obviously couldn't sleep, I was so angry...

An hour after he still hadn't said anything. And then I laid into him, calling him out on his disrespect.

It messed up my night's sleep, cause I was sooo angry I couldn't switch off...

 

He has apologised twice... but I'm still angry

[jen1447]

Is this a FWB by any chance?

[ASG]

It is, yes...

[jen1447]

Ah ok. That would kinda extra piss me off too.

 

Have you replied yet or figured out what you're gonna say?

[ASG]

Ah ok. That would kinda extra piss me off too.

 

Have you replied yet or figured out what you're gonna say?

 

Not replied yet... think imgonna go with something along the lines of "thank you for apologising, but I'm still very angry"

 

What he did is NOT ok. And he was drunk and realises it was wrong, but I'm not sure he realises HOW wrong it really was...

[jen1447]

I think it's good you keep up the standards, just bc that tends to be a slippery slope type thing. Do it one time w/out consequences, next time it becomes easier. Etc.

 

I might even dismiss for that, now that I think of it. I know FWB sex is 'booty call' in a lot of ways your time and consideration still has to be respected.

[ASG]

I think it's good you keep up the standards, just bc that tends to be a slippery slope type thing. Do it one time w/out consequences, next time it becomes easier. Etc.

 

I might even dismiss for that, now that I think of it. I know FWB sex is 'booty call' in a lot of ways your time and consideration still has to be respected.

 

Absolutely. And I still need to be respected as a person. If it wasn't such a long standing FWB, it would definitely be dismissed. But with this one, I actually really value the friendship side of it, as well as the sex. He's not a "best friend" or anything like that, but we do have a really good time when hanging out, even without the sex. I'm loathe to lose that, maybe even more than the sex.

 

But I can't let him think he can walk all over me. Because, as you said, it is a slippery slope.

 

I did reply what I said I would and he replied back saying he was sorry, again, and that he hadn't even expected a reply. He clearly realised this was a "sackable" offense.

 

But I don't want it to be. Maybe I'm just too nice, but I don't like to end things on bad terms with people... and I've done this many times... probably making a fool of myself in the process...

 

So we'll see... What I do know is that I'm still really angry and upset at what happened. If he were to call tomorrow, I would not agree to meet up.. But in a few days/a week... who knows? Or maybe I'll be too over it to care...

[jen1447]

Is he one of those quick and easy "sorry" guys? Like saying sorry a bunch of times will somehow wipe the slate clean lol.

 

Ha - maybe tell him you forgive him after a bit and then when he asks you out again say no. (The implication being it takes more than forgiveness to get his privileges back. )

[preraph]

I wouldn't like that either. I assume he knew you had work the next day. I got really mad at an old friend of mine. She has too many irons in the fire, was coming to town, supposed to be here at 6 and I cooked. She showed up near midnight and passed out.

[privategal]

I think it was disrespectful.

Id personally not talk to him for a good while. Only because if its been a long while since you've seen him...then he was basically saying if my nights not fun, if theres no hot girls...I'll be over...ya, nope. Your not gonna be some guys backburner entertainment.

This is not a friend if he didnt even miss you...just as a person...sex or not...but also, men are HIGHLY motivated by sex...so he didnt need to catch up...spend time, even a quick hug OR sex?

That doesnt sound good..AT ALL.

Id think long and hard about how much investment your giving.

He sent a clear message.

I couldnt let that go easily if at ALL.

Dont write for a LONG time.

Dont make excuses for him either.

[ASG]

I wouldn't like that either. I assume he knew you had work the next day. I got really mad at an old friend of mine. She has too many irons in the fire, was coming to town, supposed to be here at 6 and I cooked. She showed up near midnight and passed out.

 

Yeah, he knew. I'd told him I had early starts this week and that going out with him would not be a great idea, as our nights tend to be really messy and I couldn't cope with work hungover.

 

I'd be mad if it was *just* a friend as well. If someone did to me what your friend did to you, I'd be here posting this same thread. I have a tendency to always say yes to people, particularly when it involves hanging out. Sometimes to my detriment. But I think it's worth it. Obviously not so when your willingness to meet up is squashed by someone's lack of respect for your time.

 

I think it was disrespectful.

Id personally not talk to him for a good while. Only because if its been a long while since you've seen him...then he was basically saying if my nights not fun, if theres no hot girls...I'll be over...ya, nope. Your not gonna be some guys backburner entertainment.

This is not a friend if he didnt even miss you...just as a person...sex or not...but also, men are HIGHLY motivated by sex...so he didnt need to catch up...spend time, even a quick hug OR sex?

That doesnt sound good..AT ALL.

Id think long and hard about how much investment your giving.

He sent a clear message.

I couldnt let that go easily if at ALL.

Dont write for a LONG time.

Dont make excuses for him either.

 

I've been out of town for a while with work. We saw each other when I was back last time, at his behest. This was almost 6 weeks ago. We didn't even have sex then. So last time we did was almost 10 weeks ago. I've been out of town all that time apart from the flying visit 6 weeks ago.

I texted him when I got back in town and ever since we've been trying to arrange a time to meet up, but the schedules have not really aligned yet. HE has been messaging me trying to find a time to meet up. Not in the middle of the night, but in the evening, going for drinks, catching up, all of that.

 

We had talked about meeting NEXT week, as we'll both be freer in terms of time. But clearly, being out, drunk and near my place, he thought it was a good idea to booty call me. Usually that would not have been a problem. But this time he messed it up.

 

I'm not making excused for him. I'm very angry and hurt. But you don't have your facts right and he is indeed a friend.

[Emilia]

This is the problem with FWB and this is why I don't do it. You are catching feelings and he doesn't care. If a man cares, he wants to make sure you don't sleep with others, if he doesn't care, you will notice. I don't understand why women do this.

[elaine567]

Ok so it is 10 weeks since you had sex, therefore essentially you are now the friend without benefits.

Pool or whatever else he was doing surpassed your attraction to him, so he stood you up. As you say you do not consider him a best friend and obviously he thinks the same. Maybe the fact you put stipulations on the booty call put him off, or he got a better offer, or he just loves pool or drinking, who knows?

BUT obviously you are not a priority in his life as a fwb or just a friend.

 

I think the fact he thought it would be a "sackable offense", perhaps tells you something here.

[ASG]

This is the problem with FWB and this is why I don't do it. You are catching feelings and he doesn't care. If a man cares, he wants to make sure you don't sleep with others, if he doesn't care, you will notice. I don't understand why women do this.

 

I'm not catching feelings. The fact that I'm disappointed I was let down by someone I consider a friend is not the exclusive pervue of romantic relationships. Preraphs example was a good one. I'd be as upset. I was stood up by someone I consider a friend. That is upsetting. That he was too drunk to care is upsetting.

 

Ok so it is 10 weeks since you had sex, therefore essentially you are now the friend without benefits.

Pool or whatever else he was doing surpassed your attraction to him, so he stood you up. As you say you do not consider him a best friend and obviously he thinks the same. Maybe the fact you put stipulations on the booty call put him off, or he got a better offer, or he just loves pool or drinking, who knows?

BUT obviously you are not a priority in his life as a fwb or just a friend.

 

I think the fact he thought it would be a "sackable offense", perhaps tells you something here.

 

Time has nothing to do with benifits or lack thereof. I have a FWB I see, at most, once a year. It makes him no less a FWB just because months go by without us seeing each other (he lives on the other end of the world!).

So 10 weeks, while a long time with this particular FWB means nothing. Just that I was away and mostly unavailable.

 

I didn't put any stipulations to the booty call... I'm not sure what you mean by that. But he clearly was more enthralled by the drinking and the playing pool. It's not exactly out of character for him. What is is the calling and then not showing up. I don't usually get a call from him when he's out, because he loves his jights out and is usually having fun. As do I when I'm out. It's rare that I booty call him.

[elaine567]

I didn't put any stipulations to the booty call... I'm not sure what you mean by that.

The fact you were working in the morning and didnt want it to get "messy".

"I'd told him I had early starts this week and that going out with him would not be a great idea, as our nights tend to be really messy and I couldn't cope with work hungover. "

[ASG]

The fact you were working in the morning and didnt want it to get "messy".

 

That wasn't about the booty call. We had been trying to arrange going out for drinks. And I said I couldn't this week, as I had work in the mornings. So we agreed to do it sometime next week.

Our encounters very very rarely happen with booty calls. We go out, catch up, then have sex. That's what we had been trying to arrange for nearly two weeks now, without much luck.

 

He then, of his own accord, decided to call me a couple of days later, while he was out, and drunk.

[jen1447]

^ Hence the anger. Makes perfect sense to me.

 

This is just a "you don't respect my time" issue.

[ASG]

^ Hence the anger. Makes perfect sense to me.

 

This is just a "you don't respect my time" issue.

 

Exactly. It's not so much the call that's annoyed me. It's the fact he didn't folow through. I can bear a bad night's sleep if there is a payoff of some kind. But in this case, I just got a bad night's sleep for no good reason.