Is he in denial?

[floridamom]

Downtown,

 

The link you provided with the list does ring many bells. It's reassuring to read the cause and effect really of how someone like my husband processes information. I've dealt with everything for so long and have molded myself in order to be able to "happily" function with him that I've been oblivious to how much deeper of an affect its had on myself and even on him. Because to him- his behavior is normal. And since I've accommodated the behavior then it reassures him of how it is all normal.

 

Coming on this forum and sharing what's been happening lately has helped keep me sane and normal for the past few days. Since it's the weekend and I have to wait for the work week to start to get moving things along legally speaking he continues to go on happy and normal. Showing affection. Relentless.

 

I'm going to go over and read up on the link you provided, downtown.

 

Mr. Lucky- funny you ask that question. In year seven of marriage the one who took me out to lunch on a week day to sit me down and tell me "this wasn't working out" was him. as heartbroken as I was I didn't give him the trouble he's given me now that I've expressed myself. Needless to say he did a 180 (that's when we saw the counsellors, etc- rough 7 year mark) and we worked through the problems. I have to be honest and tell you that he noticed the severity of my asking for a divorce in January of this year. It has been a rough couple of months explaining why I feel the way that I do, how my feelings won't change. I have shut down emotionally and it's the worst feeling. I have reached out to an attorney, learned of my

Options. Discussed my plans with those who will support me (my parents) and it's a matter of paying the mediator and he's served that same week.

 

I've done more action now then he's ever thought I was capable of doing. I've also told him what I've done so he's not surprised when it happens. We have a joint bank account. All is "joint". So that's another predicament.

[elaine567]

We have a joint bank account. All is "joint". So that's another predicament.

 

Accounts vary, but some will allow one person in a joint account to remove all the money, be aware of that. If he did that, you may get it back via legal routes, but that will be time consuming, expensive and not guaranteed.

[Downtown]

Elaine makes a good point. It would be prudent to move half of the money in the joint account into a new account under your own name. Otherwise, it could take a year to get any of it back -- at considerable expense -- if your H decides to withdraw all of it.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

I've done more action now then he's ever thought I was capable of doing. I've also told him what I've done so he's not surprised when it happens. We have a joint bank account. All is "joint". So that's another predicament.

 

I think you have fulfilled your moral and ethical obligations in informing him that you are catastrophically dissatisfied with your marriage and that you want to divorce. Whether he wants to believe it and except that or not or whether he wants to take any action on that or not is on him. You have made your declaration of intent.

 

 

No further disclosures are necessary and from here on out, informing him of your process and the steps you are taking will only hurt you and make things more difficult for you. From here on out keep your mouth shut and only discuss your objectives, plans and strategies with your attorney.

 

 

Any disclosure to him will result in him taking manipulative action to undermine and thwart your actions. He is a master manipulator and has decades more experience than you of doing crazy crap to manipulate and undermine people. You will not be able to outthink him or out manipulate him. You will have to go for the knock out punch at the opening bell.

 

 

This will reguire a two step process to achieve.

 

 

Step #1 is obtain a good divorce lawyer that specializes in difficult, contested divorce cases in and give the lawyer the full story. Do this in secret without anyone else's knowledge. Preparation, planning and surprise will be your greatest assets.

 

 

Step #2 is do what the attorney says.

 

 

Follow your attorneys instructions to the letter even if you don't think it is necessary and do not do anything without your attorney's foreknowledge and blessing.

 

 

Your attorney has spent a decade in education on such matters and has worked daily for multiple years on divorce cases more complex and problematic than yours. You have been manipulated and gaslighted for years and have lost much of your sense of reality. That means your attorney is in a much much better position to determine what your most productive courses of action should be.

 

 

So do what your attorney says and follow his/her instructions to the letter and do not do anything on your own without your attorney's knowledge and blessing.

 

 

Hopefully this will be the only divorce you go through in your life where as your attorney has been through law school and handles multiple divorce cases a day, day in day out for years.

 

 

You are paying him/her to deal with these issues and to come up with a game plan for how deal with it.

 

 

Your job is to keep your mouth shut, not tip your hand to your STBX and to follow your attorney's instruction.

[floridamom]

Thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom. New week over on this end and I have made an appointment to get the ball rolling.

 

As for him- he woke up today loving as ever. The denial continues.

 

I hope to keep you all posted.

 

Please wish me luck,

[Methodical]

You've taken the first step toward ending the madness. Good Luck!

[S2B]

Thank you all for your advice and words of wisdom. New week over on this end and I have made an appointment to get the ball rolling.

 

As for him- he woke up today loving as ever. The denial continues.

 

I hope to keep you all posted.

 

Please wish me luck,

 

It's good that you're doing something about it. What did you make an appointment for...an attorney or to see a new place to move to?