ladydesigner Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 I think my irrational fear is keeping me from getting a D. Me and my WH make the same amount of $$$ so we will both be in financial struggles if we were to D. My biggest concern is who my WH has around the kids. His clientele is in the adult industry and he is friends with many of them. My fear is that one of these clients will become his GF or possibly a babysitter for my kids. I do not want any of these pwomen who use drugs and have outrageous extracurricular activities around my kids. I am scared to death of one of these girls watching my kids. Can something be drawn up by lawyers to prevent this as it is a lifestyle I do not want my kids around PERIOD! I swear it is this thought that keeps me from wanting to D. I feel like I am the only one who has the kids best interest. Also anyone else have experience with a D in California? What does that look like? I think it is 50/50. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 8, 2016 Share Posted April 8, 2016 You'd probably have an uphill battle, joint custody normally means each parent makes their own decisions during their custodial time. You might have some ammunition were something like drug use or inappropriate activity to occur but I doubt the after-the-fact aspect of that gives you much comfort. These all sound like questions for an attorney specializing in these matters in your state. Have you taken that step? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted April 8, 2016 Author Share Posted April 8, 2016 You'd probably have an uphill battle, joint custody normally means each parent makes their own decisions during their custodial time. You might have some ammunition were something like drug use or inappropriate activity to occur but I doubt the after-the-fact aspect of that gives you much comfort. These all sound like questions for an attorney specializing in these matters in your state. Have you taken that step? Mr. Lucky Not yet. I am planning on meeting with an attorney to discuss these things as I feel it will help me in making some kind of decision for myself. I have been detaching and getting some money put away on the side. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 This is a question for an attorney that specializes in custodial arrangements. Generally speaking about the only people that can be preemptively barred from babysitting or being around children are convicted child offenders and people on sexual offender registries etc etc. If someone has no criminal convictions or no child endangerment or sex offender backgrounds etc, it is difficult to get any kind of court ordered no contact order with your kids unless some kind of potentially harmful event has already occurred. Just because you find their vocation distasteful is typically not a legal reason to have them ordered to have no contact while your ex has custody. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Lady, having been through divorce. I don't think your fears are irrational. My children's dad exposed them to some things I would never have dreamed he would after our divorce. I didn't learn about much of it until much later in their lives. I'm sure there were things I still don't know about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted April 9, 2016 Share Posted April 9, 2016 Your fear are valid. But like another poster said, if your husband hasnt done anything till date that has / could be detrimental to the kids and you have proof confirming the same, then he will get half custody. There could be a slight chance that he himself is not interested in seeing the kids too much.Unfortunate in a way but fortunate in other ways. Speak to an attorney . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 Well if the lawyer says 50/50 I'm staying in this for the kids. His lifestyle and the people he is around is just not worth risking. We are amicable even loving at times, just not the same and never will be. In my case I honestly think the kids would be better in a M that is less than stellar to a D'd family and being exposed to wackos... no thank you!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 Well if the lawyer says 50/50 I'm staying in this for the kids. His lifestyle and the people he is around is just not worth risking. We are amicable even loving at times, just not the same and never will be. In my case I honestly think the kids would be better in a M that is less than stellar to a D'd family and being exposed to wackos... no thank you!!! The intent above seems logical and practical. However, have you considered the possibility that he might at some point in time, file for a divorce himself? If such occured - the kids might be faced with the same "wacko" exposure described. Just a thought. Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 If your really concerned who the children will be around go for full custody. Sure when he has them he can still take them around those people but this will limit the amount of time that will happen. If someone else already suggested this then sorry. Just late to the thread. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 Well if the lawyer says 50/50 I'm staying in this for the kids. His lifestyle and the people he is around is just not worth risking. We are amicable even loving at times, just not the same and never will be. In my case I honestly think the kids would be better in a M that is less than stellar to a D'd family and being exposed to wackos... no thank you!!! Ok, but does he want to stay married to you?? Will he want to divorce you?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 Ok, but does he want to stay married to you?? Will he want to divorce you?? It's a definite possibility that he would want to D. I have thought about it. I guess I will have to deal with it if he decides. I will have to protect my kids as much as I can. Link to post Share on other sites
maacus Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 I think my irrational fear is keeping me from getting a D. Me and my WH make the same amount of $$$ so we will both be in financial struggles if we were to D. My biggest concern is who my WH has around the kids. His clientele is in the adult industry and he is friends with many of them. My fear is that one of these clients will become his GF or possibly a babysitter for my kids. I do not want any of these pwomen who use drugs and have outrageous extracurricular activities around my kids. I am scared to death of one of these girls watching my kids. Can something be drawn up by lawyers to prevent this as it is a lifestyle I do not want my kids around PERIOD! I swear it is this thought that keeps me from wanting to D. I feel like I am the only one who has the kids best interest. Also anyone else have experience with a D in California? What does that look like? I think it is 50/50. I certainly understand your concerns. I don't have any advice but truly understand. What is a "WH" btw? It has to be "something" husband, but for the life of me I don't know what. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 12, 2016 Share Posted April 12, 2016 WH = Walk-Away Husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 I certainly understand your concerns. I don't have any advice but truly understand. What is a "WH" btw? It has to be "something" husband, but for the life of me I don't know what. Sorry WH=Wayward Husband Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 In my case I honestly think the kids would be better in a M that is less than stellar to a D'd family and being exposed to wackos... Couple of big "ifs" there, the biggest being the assumption that a wife could maintain her equilibrium in the face of cheating or other marital dysfunction. Anger and resentment can overcome the best noble intentions... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 LD how old are your kids? In the countries whose D and custody laws I'm familiar with, children from the age of about 10 get a say in terms of custody. If you are worried about what your kids might be exposed to, make sure that they feel empowered to tell you if anything makes them feel uncomfortable - even while you are still M. Keep records and if you do decide to separate, if there have been any concerns for which you have evidence (kids telling you they were uncomfortable because of XYZ that happened when Dad's friends came over, etc) then that can be taken into account. If your kids are older, and are comfortable around such stuff, of course, then you may have little say - if that's what they choose. But your best bet is now, while you are still together, to instill in them confidence to speak out if they're uncomfortable, and strong values. If they're OK, they'll be able to deal with things, and will feel confident to object if they're not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 Couple of big "ifs" there, the biggest being the assumption that a wife could maintain her equilibrium in the face of cheating or other marital dysfunction. Anger and resentment can overcome the best noble intentions... Mr. Lucky I know Mr. Lucky am trying to not be resentful. I do not have a lot of anger as I have been working through that (even in therapy) for years now. My WH and I are very amicable I just don't feel he is remorseful, he is often non empathetic, and I'm still like a single parent as he is never home that often due to work (maybe in another A who knows). I am at best detached until I see more effort from WH which I haven't really seen much. I think of D often but I get scared. I've talked with friends and my parents about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted April 13, 2016 Author Share Posted April 13, 2016 LD how old are your kids? In the countries whose D and custody laws I'm familiar with, children from the age of about 10 get a say in terms of custody. If you are worried about what your kids might be exposed to, make sure that they feel empowered to tell you if anything makes them feel uncomfortable - even while you are still M. Keep records and if you do decide to separate, if there have been any concerns for which you have evidence (kids telling you they were uncomfortable because of XYZ that happened when Dad's friends came over, etc) then that can be taken into account. If your kids are older, and are comfortable around such stuff, of course, then you may have little say - if that's what they choose. But your best bet is now, while you are still together, to instill in them confidence to speak out if they're uncomfortable, and strong values. If they're OK, they'll be able to deal with things, and will feel confident to object if they're not. My kids are 12 and 9. Thank you for your words of advice I am going to start being proactive about any exposure. I am only worried about these younger years. If they were teenagers I don't think I would be feeling this apprehensive. Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 There's a clause that can be put into the parenting plan (in my state) that says while the child is in either parent's custody, that there will be no adult of the opposite sex staying the night in the same household. Talk about it with the attorney when you meet. Link to post Share on other sites
SaveYourHeart Posted April 13, 2016 Share Posted April 13, 2016 Which would also be helpful if you were to split custody 50/50. If you caught him doing it, you could take him back to court. But this also means you wouldn't be allowed to have overnight visitors... Link to post Share on other sites
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