Hurting me, hurting others

[Messy Lady]

The cycle is definitely continuing. He's teasing and flirting more, touching more, etc. Today we were out of the office at a meeting and stopped off for coffee before and after. If anybody saw us, they probably would have assumed we were a couple with how close we sat together, how we interacted etc. At the end of the day, as we parted ways, he commented on how he had been good, resisting my temptations. Nonsense. He's reeling me back in and he knows it.

 

He knows I will give in to him when he teases me, flirts with me, touches me. Yet then he says he's being good and blames me for tempting him!

 

I am in too deep. I know it now. You all already knew that.

[Ms. Faust]

You all already knew that.

 

Yup, we did. This story has just been told a gazillion times. Hopefully you won't end up wasting years of your life.

 

Good luck.

[privategal]

The cycle is definitely continuing. He's teasing and flirting more, touching more, etc. Today we were out of the office at a meeting and stopped off for coffee before and after. If anybody saw us, they probably would have assumed we were a couple with how close we sat together, how we interacted etc. At the end of the day, as we parted ways, he commented on how he had been good, resisting my temptations. Nonsense. He's reeling me back in and he knows it.

 

He knows I will give in to him when he teases me, flirts with me, touches me. Yet then he says he's being good and blames me for tempting him!

 

I am in too deep. I know it now. You all already knew that.

All it takes is a $2 coffee and some high school boy generic flirting to keep you on the line.

I wonder if you were out running errands and looked through the local coffee shop window and saw your husband looking like a couple with a woman...

You went back in...eyes wide open.

You chose this.

You knew the pain, risk, you were warned by all of us here.

Soo...when it crumbles...."I TOLD YOU SO" Because you will be hurt, you will be left, one or both spouses will discover, and you will be back here crying "I never mattered, I was thrown away, he never cared about me..."

You show no self respect, no dignity or boundaries, you show no remorse or conpassion for either spouse, you are living for validation, for you, for ego feeds, theres zero interest in thinking like an adult.

Who wants a man anyways who has to abstain from you? Who wants to "behave"?

I bet your husband has a list of ways he does NOT want to abstain or behave with you but all your affection is reserved for a man who repeatedly saysbI dont want this, cant do this, need to stop...but nope...you wanna twist, pull, hope, you are literally pleading for him to want to sleep with you on work prwmises again...so 10 min of rushed sex is better than the hours of lovemaking with your husband yet WHEN was the last time you seduced him, put thought and energy into HIM, fantasized about him?

Wearing his ring while he helps pay your bills and even loves you through pms, weight loss/gain, mistakes, messy hair and boring chores, he is there..but you go to work playing desperate giddy games all day when your one step away from being mentally destroyed....

Good luck.

Edited April 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[whichwayisup]

The cycle is definitely continuing. He's teasing and flirting more, touching more, etc. Today we were out of the office at a meeting and stopped off for coffee before and after. If anybody saw us, they probably would have assumed we were a couple with how close we sat together, how we interacted etc. At the end of the day, as we parted ways, he commented on how he had been good, resisting my temptations. Nonsense. He's reeling me back in and he knows it.

 

He knows I will give in to him when he teases me, flirts with me, touches me. Yet then he says he's being good and blames me for tempting him!

 

I am in too deep. I know it now. You all already knew that.

 

I wish you luck then. You have a lot to loose and sadly now that you know what you're up against and it seems you're choosing to go ahead and take that path, you'll have nobody to blame but yourself when this blows up in your face. Nothing ANYBODY here can change your mind because I think you were going to do this regardless of the advice given to you...

 

You're the one who will have to face your husband, family and friends when the truth comes out. And it will.

[ChickiePops]

'I'm in too deep' is justification for continuing the affair.

[whichwayisup]

You are right Babs. I still want him.

 

 

I think he still wants me too. But he is terrified of it being found out - there are a couple of big reasons that I have not mentioned (and cannot) that would make it even worse if it became public knowledge compared to most affairs.

 

We have not talked about feelings or anything like that. But there is a very strong connection and the sexual attraction is incredibly intense for both of is.

 

 

I am going to have to try and distance myself but we do work very closely together on a one to one basis on a regular basis. There is no avoiding that.

 

So along with choosing to betray and hurt your spouses and family (kids etc) you also are taking a risk of the A going public and having to deal with the fallout in huge way.

 

REALLY THINK about your future actions Messy. You don't "know" this man well at all and you're so caught up in the heat of the moment, this cat/mouse and ego game. You're playing with fire and going to get burned badly.

 

Your co workers aren't stupid, they are going to find out (maybe some assume you two are in the A already) and then the gossiping will start, you'll lose credibility and your professional reputation (and his) is at risk.

 

If you are busted, are you prepared for this affair to go public and then have to face people in YOUR life? Not only your husband, kids, parents and family but friends and other colleagues?

[Grey Cloud]

The cycle is definitely continuing. He's teasing and flirting more, touching more, etc. Today we were out of the office at a meeting and stopped off for coffee before and after. If anybody saw us, they probably would have assumed we were a couple with how close we sat together, how we interacted etc. At the end of the day, as we parted ways, he commented on how he had been good, resisting my temptations. Nonsense. He's reeling me back in and he knows it.

 

He knows I will give in to him when he teases me, flirts with me, touches me. Yet then he says he's being good and blames me for tempting him!

 

I am in too deep. I know it now. You all already knew that.

 

Enjoy the game! A game where there are only losers and no winners. Enjoy the ego strokes, the flirting and the cat and mouse games. Keep ignoring your husband at home to act like a single person. And then watch it all fall apart....

 

You are enjoying the attention far too much at the moment. It just means the harder you will fall when the fantasy ends. And it WILL end. There will be no fairy tale ending in all of this. Like you said, you are in too deep. You are blind to the consequences. Good luck!

[Jabron1]

Sucks to be your husband.

[whichwayisup]

I really want to shake you and tell you to WAKE UP and get out of the lusty flirty fog you're in.

 

PLEASE go back and re-read your thread and all the replies. Read what YOU said about how wrong having an A would be.

 

He only joined your company less than TWO months ago so you're really willing to throw away your whole life as you know it, your marriage and uproot your kids lives, turn it all upside down because you "can't help yourself" around your boss?

 

Yes I am trying hard to get you to take a step back so you can have a reality check and prevent you from making the most selfish mistake you can make. One that you're going to regret and wish you never chose.

[lftbehind]

The cycle is definitely continuing. He's teasing and flirting more, touching more, etc. Today we were out of the office at a meeting and stopped off for coffee before and after. If anybody saw us, they probably would have assumed we were a couple with how close we sat together, how we interacted etc. At the end of the day, as we parted ways, he commented on how he had been good, resisting my temptations. Nonsense. He's reeling me back in and he knows it.

 

He knows I will give in to him when he teases me, flirts with me, touches me. Yet then he says he's being good and blames me for tempting him!

 

I am in too deep. I know it now. You all already knew that.

 

This man sounds like he is really playing you and I think that you know what he's doing. Why are you continuing to let him tease, flirt and touch you? You will be hurt and you could lose your career, also. Both families are being hurt. You need to keep it professional, only. Like others said, it will end badly for sure.

[ashley1992]

as much as this sounds bad in some ways its exciting? i would feel so guilty as well... and i know for a fact that if it continues any further that it will be a complete mess and it might end up in a divorce for both of u.. if i were u i would do whatever to stop this mess! u have to choose to remember ur vows u made to ur husband and fix this by not doing or having sexual contact with ur boss! u can do it.. just have some control i know its hard.. but as the saying goes... u wil loose a person the same way u get them..

[Messy Lady]

I know I am acting stupid but I do realise that this is all wrong and it should stop. I do come home and look at my husband and feel guilt at what I have been doing. Why on earth do I need this validation from a married man when I have a great husband and life already? Yes, there are some issues in the marriage which I think I mentioned earlier on in this thread but this is not the way to deal with them (and yes I have tried talking to my husband about those issues several times over the years and he also realises they are real issues).

 

I am an intelligent and professional woman yet I am like a schoolgirl with a crush when around this man. He might be playing me, he might be genuinely torn. I don't know. I do know that he absolutely has respect for me regarding my work and likes me a lot for that. Yes he has told me that but he has also told others, and at least one of those has since told me some of what they have been told.

 

Last weekend I thought I had got myself in the right place go stop this. I was angry and hurt yet I have thrown myself back into it. I am being so passive when he says or does anything but really that is telling him I accept what he is doing and he can carry on like that. Where on earth is my self-respect?

[lftbehind]

I know I am acting stupid but I do realise that this is all wrong and it should stop. I do come home and look at my husband and feel guilt at what I have been doing. Why on earth do I need this validation from a married man when I have a great husband and life already? Yes, there are some issues in the marriage which I think I mentioned earlier on in this thread but this is not the way to deal with them (and yes I have tried talking to my husband about those issues several times over the years and he also realises they are real issues).

 

I am an intelligent and professional woman yet I am like a schoolgirl with a crush when around this man. He might be playing me, he might be genuinely torn. I don't know. I do know that he absolutely has respect for me regarding my work and likes me a lot for that. Yes he has told me that but he has also told others, and at least one of those has since told me some of what they have been told.

 

Last weekend I thought I had got myself in the right place go stop this. I was angry and hurt yet I have thrown myself back into it. I am being so passive when he says or does anything but really that is telling him I accept what he is doing and he can carry on like that. Where on earth is my self-respect?

 

He can respect your work, but he is not respecting you by acting the was he is towards you. What gets me is he plays a game by saying he's trying to be good, but it's your fault he is distracted. That frees him of responsibility for his actions and if you would have a D Day he would blame you. What kind of man is that? It sounds like he experience doing this, by the way that he acts. He's only looking out for his own interests.

[Messy Lady]

Push pull behaviour of the MM.

 

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

He gets horny, he contacts you, he and you are physical, he feels guilty, he gets distant...

 

I read through this thread again last night and this post, in its bluntness, is the one that whilst making me laugh is also the one I can see truth in for my situation. We were working on a project together yesterday afternoon. During that time there was some personal chat about how he felt about something he is dealing with at the moment. We have talked about personal stuff before but he was opening up a lot more than before. Whilst I enjoyed the time talking I could see the dangers of it too. An emotional intimacy is developing.

 

As the afternoon went on, he and I both started to flirt. When he left the office at the end of the day, he kissed me. Not some lust driven kiss but a tender kiss.

 

So here I am back on the merry-go-round wondering how long it will take him on Monday to say it is all a mistake, we shouldn't do this, etc.

 

I know I am going to be criticised for this but I can't talk to anybody about this. Talking about it here does help provide some clarity and understanding, even if I am useless at following the advice given.

[Grey Cloud]

I read through this thread again last night and this post, in its bluntness, is the one that whilst making me laugh is also the one I can see truth in for my situation. We were working on a project together yesterday afternoon. During that time there was some personal chat about how he felt about something he is dealing with at the moment. We have talked about personal stuff before but he was opening up a lot more than before. Whilst I enjoyed the time talking I could see the dangers of it too. An emotional intimacy is developing.

 

As the afternoon went on, he and I both started to flirt. When he left the office at the end of the day, he kissed me. Not some lust driven kiss but a tender kiss.

 

So here I am back on the merry-go-round wondering how long it will take him on Monday to say it is all a mistake, we shouldn't do this, etc.

 

I know I am going to be criticised for this but I can't talk to anybody about this. Talking about it here does help provide some clarity and understanding, even if I am useless at following the advice given.

 

I am unclear as to what you want from all of this? Yes, it's obvious you are enjoying the attention but what do you actually want? Do you want to have an ongoing A with this MM? Do you want him to fall in love with you? Do you want to divorce your husband? You are playing with fire but to what end?

 

Most people start posting here when they are trying to get out of an A or have ended things with their MM. You are almost at the beginning of this journey and seem to want advice without necessarily taking it!

 

So what is it that YOU want from this?

[elaine567]

As the afternoon went on, he and I both started to flirt. When he left the office at the end of the day, he kissed me. Not some lust driven kiss but a tender kiss.

 

^^^ this will sustain you through the cold spells, the distant spells, the times he lets you down, the times he treats you like a free prostitute...

That "tender kiss" shows YOU, he cares, he loves you, he adores you... It is all you need to keep you on that hook, along with a bit of "personal" stuff divulged to make you feel "special".

And it is all just BS...

Candy from a baby.

 

Please see this for what it is, you have so much to lose here, and so little to gain.

[georgia girl]

This one gives me chills. It's like you want the train wreck you are driving towards to happen. You are so ruled by your emotions right now that you would gamble your husband, your children (if you have any), your home, your friends, your career... everything, for a guy you have known for a few short months.

 

Please look inside yourself. Why were you so desperate to fall in love (really lust and infatuation)? Why do you want to destroy your life? From your posts, you seem to be reckless and out of control, just waiting breathlessly all day long for this guy to make a move. I can't even imagine what he is thinking.

 

Messy lady, this has little to no chance of turning out well for you and an extreme probability of messing up your whole life. These are you choices and you can do whatever it is you wish. I can't watch.

[Dancewithme]

In all probability, this will get messy, lady.

[ShatteredLady]

Partners can feel when somethings 'off' in their marriage. They're not sure what it is but they can nearly always feel it. As time goes on suspicions start to build. All it takes is one little slip, one of your partners to do some digging & it all comes crashing down.

 

You will be horrified by your husbands physical & emotional reaction! Something inside of him will always be broken. Statistically many, many more H's leave & betrayed W's give it another go...so you're likely to be dumped & he will go groveling back to his W.

 

Maybe his W will come to a forum like this & follow advise. When she exposes at your work who's most likely to loose their job? You? Him? Both?

 

Have you pictured the looks on your families faces when you explain why your H has thrown you out?

 

Why do you WANT, NEED this drama in your life? PLEASE really think about this! I truly believe that if most people could know the utter devastation they were causing they would NEVER step out. You would have to hate your H to knowingly do this to him!

[Jersey born raised]

What do you really know about this guy? I would bet you are not the first or last woman he hits it off with. To him this is a one off and done. At some point you may get the open marriage spiel.

 

He most likely is a player. Players are narcissist. Which means they are like a roller coaster. You get on, you get off after a couple of minutes and the ride is over. Want to ride again? Sorry go to the back of the line. Sometimes I think player are the female version of the male version of hooking up with a porn star. Why any guy would think it would be great married to a porn star is a good idea is beyond me, but some guys are foolish.

 

What is wrong, missing or cannot be fixed with your marriage. Is this who you are?

 

You want this to end or make him show his true colors. Send him a note you wrote to your husband asking for a divorce and ask him for advises about it.

[privategal]

Id read the thread "how do you know what to believe" updated today.

THIS is what we are all trying to tell you WILL happen.

You are not posting likely because you are in bliss with blinders on, believing every word and dont want to hear "STOP" but I think you may be very interested in this wake up call.

Edited April 20, 2016 by privategal

[2016forme]

I know this is stupid and wrong but this is my story. He and I are both married and to make it worse he is my boss. He only joined our company a few months ago and we immediately hit it off. Not only is there tremendous respect for each other in terms or work, our personalities just clicked. The flirting started with chat first but was quickly followed by touching each other - just arm, hand, that kind of thing, but more than you would with any other colleague. Eventually he asked me whether I was being serious with the flirting and I admitted I was. There is something about him that just makes me completely truthful and straight with him. He said he was married, my boss etc but did not say he was not interested either.

 

 

The flirting and contact escalated from that point and a couple of weeks later, we agreed to stay late after a meeting at work when everybody else would have gone. That didn't happen as he was not well plus he again said he is married and also said we mustn't take things further. I didn't see him for a week but as soon as we were back at work together, we were just using every opportunity we could to spend time together. There was another meeting last week. We stayed late. We ended up having sex.

 

 

Next day back at work, he pulls back again - married, work etc. But that didn't last. We had a meeting on Monday and decided to not hold it in the office. Whilst we did work, we could hardly keep our hands off each other and ended up making out in his car later in the day. Tuesday he does the married thing and then Wednesday he is all over me again. Touching me, kissing me, etc and in the office too. Very high risk, I know. This was all initiated by him.

 

 

I didn't see him yesterday and today was spent with a 3rd colleague for 99% of the day. In that 1%, I briefly touched his hand and yet again, it's the married, can't do this etc. The colleague was back before I could say anything. Since then he and I have exchanged some emails and as he says, we know it is right to stop. But that leaves me in a mess.

 

 

I know he is right that we should stop. But he has said that a few times now and each time, he is back for more. He and I have never done anything like this before and I think it has surprised him as much as it has me but I don't know where I am.

 

 

I feel hurt. I feel stupid. I feel used.

 

 

I also feel guilt for my husband and his wife. This is wrong and cruel on them. But I feel so drawn to him. When he looks at me and smiles, I feel as if I cannot resist. Pathetic isn't it.

 

Hello, I am just now responding to your post. I am glad that you are not like the other woman who are caught up in an extreme affair.I am glad that you are not in denial in terms of acknowledging that he is your boss and he's married. But just because he's your boss, that does not mean that you have to remain gullible and susceptible to his sexual advances.

 

I think that the first step is setting up professional boundaries so that you don't find yourself in a bind each and every time. I know this is really going to be a rough patch for you because you work with your boss.

 

Don't allow yourself to be open to this situation over and over again. You will continue to feel guilty each time an encounter happens. I don't see any harm in treating your boss with a long handle spoon. It protects you and him. You have to find the courage to search deep within yourself and just say no.

 

As for the guilt aspect, that's another issue on its own. That is going to take some serious time. You might want to seek counseling so that you can begin the healing process. But you also have to learn to forgive yourself and let go of the encounter from your boss. Otherwise you will be further disappointed and let down because you originally set a goal for yourself to say no.Before you know it your goal fails because you feel vulnerable and gullible to "someone you cannot resist."

 

I know that this may sound crazy, but see if you can set up personal goals for yourself. For example, in your mind, only you know what is best for you. Say yes to your ambition. Say no to temptation. Sometimes we have to unplug certain things and "turn off the distraction. It won't happen overnight. It is going to take some deep soul searching on your behalf. Try it and see if it works. You will be happy in the end. This will help you to face reality. But you will begin to come to grips with yourself and find closure to ending this inner turmoil.

 

Please keep us updated on your move forward. Cheers to you.

[Messy Lady]

Id read the thread "how do you know what to believe" updated today.

THIS is what we are all trying to tell you WILL happen.

You are not posting likely because you are in bliss with blinders on, believing every word and dont want to hear "STOP" but I think you may be very interested in this wake up call.

 

I have read the thread.

 

He has never said anything critical of his wife, his marriage or life in anyway at all. He hasn't said there are any marital issues. I would be wary if he did - I'm not that stupid.

 

The only thing he has said which I question is when he said he had not done this before. That is because of the way he just says enough but never too much. He will ask me teasing and inappropriate questions, he gets me to say things but he doesn't actually say that much himself. So I end up being the one who puts myself on the line saying I find him attractive etc, yet whilst his actions show attraction and interest, he never expresses that with words. It makes me think he could defend himself and say "I never said that/told her that/it was all her". It's a similar theme in any emails.

 

Yes I have an emotional involvement in this. But it is not love and I don't want that. He and I have a bond within work, we work extremely well together and support each other. We have become friends and shared personal things - both of us have told each other things we would not have expected to share with someone else especially at work. I'm sure he cares about me but I know my attachment is greater. I'm being such a doormat on this that I have not asked him questions about what he wants. I guess I don't want to hear the answer.

[ChickiePops]

What are you hoping will happen? Why are you so willing to hurt your husband and yourself and your bosses wife for a guy you've known a few months?

[Messy Lady]

I wish I knew. I know I don't want to hurt anybody but I keep being selfish on this. I have been completely thrown by my attraction to this man. The only other time in my life I have managed to connect with someone so well and so quickly was with my husband.